Soul Searching

by Chrissie Loveday

  ‘Oh, Paul, you’re so right.’ She paused for a moment. ‘I’ve had an idea. We could just get married and not tell anyone till it’s all over.’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘A secret wedding. We couldn’t get wed in church or chapel but there’s always the registry office.’

  ‘But your mum would be furious. She’s looking forward to having the family around and friends too.’

  ‘They could have a party after it was all over. Don’t you want us to get married?’

  ‘Oh Ruth, course I do. All right then. When shall we do it?’

  ‘I think we have to give some notice. We’re both old enough so there isn’t a problem there. I’ll go to the registry office on my way home tomorrow and see what they say. Should I book it if I can?’

  ‘Go for it. Oh, Ruth, I can’t believe it. It’s all going to work out, isn’t it?’

  *

  The following day, she went straight into Stone and found the appropriate office. The woman behind the counter was rather stiff and gave her a lot of rules that needed following.

  ‘Can I book a wedding anyway?’ she asked.

  ‘We need twenty-eight days’ notice.’

  ‘Oh dear, that’s an awfully long time. Well, I suppose I’d better book it.’

  Ruth was handed a forms to fill in with details of both parties. She sat at a side bench and worked hard to fill in everything needed. At last she was finished and took the forms back to the counter.

  ‘And what date do you want to book?’

  ‘Four weeks today, please.’

  ‘Very well. A Monday? Is that what you want?’

  ‘Yes, please. At eleven o’clock please.’

  By the time she left the office she felt a mixture of excitement and concern. She hadn’t said anything to Paul and had just gone ahead with it all. She had booked a Monday. She’d done it without even thinking. She turned and went back into the office.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she began, ‘I wasn’t thinking. We really need a Saturday.’

  ‘I did wonder. How about the following Saturday?’

  ‘No chance of the previous one?’

  ‘I’m sorry dear but the law’s the law.’

  ‘Oh, very well. Make it the Saturday.’

  ‘And don’t forget your birth certificates. We’ll need the details from them.’

  She left again and walked back to Wallbrook. She was very much later than usual and said she’d called at the flat on her way home.

  ‘Was Paul there?’

  ‘No. If he’d been over, he must have left by then.’

  ‘So he hadn’t done any painting?’

  She had quite forgotten he was planning to come over during the day and had no idea whether he’d done anything or not. She cursed herself for not looking.

  ‘I’m going to change. Won’t be long.’

  It was a difficult evening with Ruth barely able to suppress her excitement and not wanting anyone to know about that date. There was so much she needed to tell Paul and what with the flat to prepare and everything to bring over, it was all getting to be too much.

  ‘I’m going to have an early night,’ she said at last.

  ‘But there’s one of your favourite programmes on later.’

  ‘I’ll miss it for once. I’ve very tired. Night, night.’

  ‘Looks like it’s just you and me then,’ Mabel said to her husband.

  Chapter Nineteen

  The following Saturday, they went to the rent office and asked when the power could be switched on. More forms were presented and filled in.

  ‘Should be on by Monday, when your first rent will be due.’

  ‘Can I pay it now?’ asked Ruth.

  ‘Course you can, love.’

  She pulled out her rent book and handed over the money. The lady stamped her book and handed it back. Ruth looked at the page with pride. She turned and grinned at Paul.

  ‘There we are. Our first rent paid.’

  ‘I’ll pay the next week’s.’

  ‘Sounds like a good arrangement. Is there anything else?’

  ‘No. We’ll go and get on with the painting now.’

  ‘Have you got enough paint left?’

  ‘It’s getting a bit low. But we only have the bedroom to finish.’

  ‘Well, if you want more, bring your bucket along right away, before I leave.’

  ‘Thanks very much. You’ve been very kind.’

  ‘Like to encourage you young folks. Keep the place nice and we’re happy.’

  They walked along to the flat and went inside.

  ‘You’ve made such a good job of it, Paul. It looks amazing. We’ve just got to finish the bedroom and we’re all done. How’s your mum getting on with her move?’

  ‘She’s going on Saturday. So we can start moving furniture over here after she’s gone. Shall I see about a van?’

  ‘Will you move in here soon? It would make sense wouldn’t it?’

  *

  Soon they were busily making plans. Mabel had kept on asking them when they wanted to arrange the wedding and Ruth had been vague. Her mother was getting very fed up with her lack of enthusiasm.

  ‘Honestly, you don’t seem one bit interested in getting married to that chap of yours. He’s been living in your flat for the past two weeks and you’ve shown no sign of being interested in getting married.’

  ‘We’ll think about it soon. The flat’s still in a mess and we want it all organised before then.’

  Things were about to come to a head when Ruth came home one night to find her mother in a terrible state.

  ‘Oh, Ruth,’ she said. ‘Your sister’s back.’

  ‘My sister?’ she asked puzzled.

  ‘Veronica. She arrived this morning, looking awful.’

  ‘Oh. Where is she now?’

  ‘She’s asleep. I’m sorry but she’s in your room.’

  ‘In my bed?’

  ‘I had to do something with her. She said she’d been up all night travelling. I’m sorry.’

  ‘I don’t know where she’s going to stay. There’s only one bed in my room. Oh dear. Why did she have to choose now to reappear? If she’d come in a couple of weeks, there wouldn’t be a problem.’

  ‘In a couple of weeks? Why do you say that?’

  ‘Well, Paul’s mum will have moved and we shall have her stuff over here, including beds.’

  ‘But won’t Paul need to live in the flat? How can you be there at the same time?’ Ruth almost blurted out the whole truth but somehow she stopped herself.

  ‘Yes, I suppose you’re right. But Mum, I really resent her being here. She’s been away for so long, she surely couldn’t expect to just come back into our lives.’

  ‘She is my daughter.’

  ‘Yes, I know. I’m only adopted. I’m sorry. Should I find somewhere to stay?’

  ‘Dunna be silly, girl. This is your home for as long as you need it. I’ll have to find another bed or mattress from somewhere and she can sleep in the air raid shelter.’

  ‘I can imagine her hating that. Maybe she could go and stay with Annie?’

  ‘I wouldn’t want to inflict her on Annie.’

  ‘Then I suppose it’s down to me to go and stay with Annie. It’ll be difficult with one thing and another but if it means her ladyship is comfortable…’

  ‘I don’t like to be thought of as her ladyship,’ drawled a voice from the doorway.

  ‘Hello, Veronica. How are you?’

  ‘Wish I could say I was better. But there you go. You look in good shape, but then you’ve been looked after all these years by my mother. Natural I suppose.’ Ruth didn’t rise to her sharp comments and said nothing. ‘You’ve been in the lap of luxury all this time. You should look good. Now I’m back and I shall need my own room.’

  ‘Now then, Veronica. You can’t expect to take Ruth’s room. She’s been in there for quite a long time.’


  ‘Then now it’s my turn. Clear your stuff out, please. I’m back now.’

  ‘You can sleep in the air raid shelter,’ Mabel began. ‘I’ll get a mattress put in there. You’ll be fine.’

  ‘I am not sleeping in any air raid shelter. She can go in there. I’m going to have the room as my own. Heavens, I’m considerably older than she is. I deserve it.’ She turned and flounced out and went back upstairs.

  Mabel looked as if she might burst into tears and Ruth went to her and put her arms round her.

  ‘It’s all right, Mum. Really. Don’t let it upset you. She’s a really horrible person but I’m not going to be upset by her. I’ve got too much going on in my life.’ Once more, she almost told her mum about her wedding plans but she didn’t, knowing that if she did, everything would go crazy. She suddenly realised she needed to buy something to wear. She only had clothes she went to work in and one slightly better dress. There wasn’t enough time to make something and she had only a few clothing coupons. Another problem loomed. She’d probably have to make do with her best dress and hope that Paul didn’t mind.

  Veronica certainly made her presence felt. She had lost her ration book somewhere and simply expected her mother to feed her. She was always critical of whatever anyone did for her and soon had the household revolving around her. Ruth was spending most of her evenings round at the flat, cleaning already spotless floors and windows. She had lit the fire a few times to heat the water and even treated herself to having a bath there one day.

  At last, Paul had come over with all of his mother’s furniture that they’d chosen. It was an exhausting day carrying everything upstairs and trying to sort things out. The main carpet had to be put down first and cleaning it was forgotten. Mabel came round to help them, along with Jimmy, and even her father came to lend a hand. The bed had to be made and this gave them endless problems. Somewhere along the way, the nuts and bolts had got lost and it was a major loss.

  ‘I’ll have to go back to Mum’s place and clean up a bit. I’ll see if I can find them over there,’ Paul said. ‘As long as we can get it put up by tonight, I’ll have somewhere to sleep. If not, there’s always the couch.’

  ‘It looks nice, love, doesn’t it?’ Mabel asked.

  ‘It’s much better than I thought, I must say. And it’ll be a wonderful help to us having it all from the beginning.’

  ‘You really need to start planning your wedding. It’ll take some time, you realise. All the invites and you’ll need a new outfit. And we’ll need to plan the food and, oh dear. There’s just so much to be done.’

  ‘Stop worrying, Mum. It’ll all come together. You’ll see. Now, if I can find some cups, we can have our first brew.’ She smiled to herself. This time next week, she’d be Mrs Paul Jenkins. She could hardly wait.

  *

  Paul was now staying at the flat as his mother’s house was no longer his home. He had started work as an electrician and was still on his period of probation. It was all much more convenient for him. His mother had moved out and seemed happy enough in her sister’s house. As for Paul, he was managing to live among the mess they had created and was gradually tidying the place up. Whenever they were on their own they spoke about their coming wedding.

  ‘I can’t believe it’s almost here,’ Ruth said happily. ‘It seemed such an age when the registrar said it would be almost five weeks. Next Saturday, we shall be married.’

  ‘I’m sorry we won’t be able to go away. You really deserve a honeymoon.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. Being here will be as good as any honeymoon could ever be.’

  ‘You realise you’ve done yourself out of a nice selection of wedding presents.’

  ‘Who cares? At least we’ll have saved the cost of a wedding for my parents.’

  ‘But won’t it seem a bit dull just to come back here afterwards?’

  ‘Perhaps we could go out for a nice meal? That would be some sort of celebration.’

  ‘Okay. We’ll do that. Have you thought what you’ll say on Saturday when you leave the house?’

  ‘I thought I’d bring my clothes round here and then just say I’m coming round to sort stuff out. I’ll come as early as possible and we can walk up to Stone and the registry office. I think it must be just as exciting as a proper wedding, don’t you?’

  ‘It will be a proper wedding,’ he said, looking slightly hurt.

  ‘Oh yes, of course it will be. I meant a sort of white dress affair with all the trimmings.’

  ‘I hope you don’t regret it.’

  ‘Course I won’t. I’ll be with you. I think we’ll tell everyone after it’s happened so they won’t worry when I stay here on Saturday night.’ She couldn’t keep her smile to herself and Paul felt overwhelmed for a moment.

  ‘You really are a wonderful woman. I couldn’t be happier than when we’re together.’

  ‘Oh, Paul. What a lovely thing to say. But I’d better go back now.’

  ‘I’ll walk you home. Will I see you tomorrow?’

  ‘Of course. I’ll come round after work. I suppose I’d better eat at my place as Mum’s still got my ration book. Do you want to come as well?’

  ‘I think I’ll stay here. Now your sister’s back, well…’

  ‘Oh, don’t mention her. She hasn’t changed at all. Still as miserable as sin. It’s probably just as well you don’t come. I know Mum is finding it difficult to feed all of us as she doesn’t even have her own ration book.’ They reached Ruth’s house and Paul kissed her.

  ‘Goodnight my love. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

  ‘Can’t wait till Saturday.’

  ‘Me neither.’

  She watched as he walked away. He turned to look at her once more and gave a little wave. She went inside and immediately felt the atmosphere. They had obviously been rowing and Veronica was sitting close to the fire looking furious.

  ‘Can you lend me some money?’ she demanded as soon as she saw her sister.

  ‘No. Sorry, but I need all my money.’ Ruth was never going to lend her any money as she knew full well she’d never see it back.

  ‘You really are a miserable lot.’

  ‘What do you want it for, anyway?’

  ‘So I can go out and get away from all your miserable faces. I can hardly go to the club with nothing. I’m sure once I’m there someone will buy me a drink or two, but I need something to go with. Are you sure you can’t lend me something?’

  ‘Quite sure. I’m going to bed now. I feel whacked.’

  ‘You have been working hard, love. I hope you’ll be all right in the air raid shelter. It’s a bit gloomy in there,’ said her mother.

  ‘I’m fine. As long as my dear sister is comfortable,’ she said with heavy sarcasm.

  ‘No need to be bitchy,’ Veronica snapped. ‘I am the oldest and, yes, a genuine member of the family. It’s only right I have the best room.’

  ‘You’ve been away so blooming long, I don’t see why,’ Jimmy put in. He felt furious that Ruth had given in to her. There had been a long argument when he had said that Veronica ought to be in the air raid shelter and had then offered to go there himself so Ruth could stay in her room. But she was adamant. He suspected it was the flat that had made her so willing and assumed she would move there before too long. ‘If you’re sure you’re okay there, Ruth. I’ve said before, you can always have my room and I’ll sleep down here.’

  ‘Don’t be daft. It’s not for…’ she stopped. She’d been on the brink of letting it slip out about the wedding. ‘No worries. Night, night everyone.’

  ‘Night, love,’ mumbled her father, and Mabel joined in with the same comment.

  ‘She’s a good girl, isn’t she?’ said Mabel. ‘Always helpful and easy to live with.’

  ‘And how different she is to me,’ said Veronica nastily. ‘None of you realises what a hard time I’ve had. It’s never been easy for me. I’ve had to make do with things that are second best. Even t
he men in my life have used me and then dumped me. It’s been a terrible struggle to keep myself looking nice.’

  ‘I’m sorry you feel like that,’ Mabel told her. ‘But you’ve always expected the best and never wanted to work for it. I’m sorry, but you’ve never deserved everything to be easy. Just think back. You always went out expecting someone would pay for you and buy things for you. And what did you give in return? I expect it was your body you were free and easy with. A quick kiss and that would buy you drinks.’

  ‘If that’s the way you think of me, I’d better go. I’ll get my stuff together and clear out.’

  ‘Good riddance,’ commented Jimmy.

  ‘You’ll have to lend me a few quid though. I’m skint.

  ‘Don’t be soft, girl. We don’t have a few quid to spare. You’d best stay here till you’ve got a job and earned some money and then you can do whatever you want.’ It was a long speech from her father.

  ‘If I had it I’d give it to you just to be rid of you.’ Jimmy meant every word.

  ‘Thanks a bunch. I’m going up to my room.’ She flounced out and stamped up the stairs.

  ‘You mean Ruth’s room.’ Jimmy wasn’t going to let her get away with anything, it seemed. ‘Has she given you her ration book yet?’ he asked his mother.

  ‘She’s lost it, apparently. She says she’s written off for another but I’ve not seen her go out to the post.’

  ‘So she’s living off our rations?’

  ‘I can’t not feed her, now can I?’

  ‘Bloody typical, that’s all I can say.’

  ‘Yes, well. I’m the one who’s having to deal with it all and there’s no need to swear about it.’

  ‘Sorry, Mum. She just has that effect on me. I find it hard to believe she’s your daughter. Her and Annie couldn’t be more different. I think I might as well turn in now. I have to up early in the morning. Bit of business to see to.’

  ‘You and your business. Night, love.’

  ‘Peace at last,’ said Mabel.

  ‘Aye, you’re right.’

  *

  To Ruth, the week seemed endless. She had taken her best dress round to the flat and it was hanging in the wardrobe, ready for Saturday. She’d cleaned her best shoes too and even trimmed a little hat that more or less went with the rest of the outfit. She would have to wear her ordinary coat as far as the registry office but planned to take it off once she was there. At last it was Friday and, once work was over, she went round to the flat. Paul was there to greet her.