Sweetened Suffering (Sweet Treats Book 2)

by Charity B.

  Counseling helps her learn to cope with her childhood, but I don’t expect her to heal. Not completely. I don’t mean that in a bad way. She’s been through things that are irreversible. I know she’ll continue to improve, as she already has exponentially, I simply don’t ever expect her to be ‘fixed’. All I’ve ever asked is that she tries her hardest, and she has.

  I open the door to her gallery as Michael runs through her exhibit screaming, “Mommy!” Potential clients turn in annoyance, and Tavin doesn’t notice or care.

  “There’s my handsome little prince!” She picks him up and twirls him around before giving him Eskimo kisses.

  “We brought you ice cream, Mommy!”

  Her eyes widen. “You did?” She looks at me with a grin. “Cotton candy flavor?”

  I hold up the bag. “See for yourself.”

  She peeks inside before looking up at me with those bright eyes. Her little hand strokes my cheek before she kisses me. “Thank you for the ice cream. Was everything okay at the school?”

  I know she’s going to kill me when she finds out, so I just chuckle, “Yeah, it was nothing.” She narrows her eyes at me with a smirk, dropping it for now. “How late will you be tonight?” I ask.

  She pulls out her phone. “I’ll be sure I’m home before nine. I want to put Michael to bed.”

  “Alright, Lille, see you tonight.”

  Doing as she says, she’s home by eight-forty. She bounds up to me and wraps her arms around my neck, as soon as she’s in the door.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey.” I enjoy her smell for a moment. “Michael’s teeth are brushed. He’s in his pajamas, playing in his room.”

  She lays her head against my chest and takes in a deep breath. “I’m going to go tuck him in.”

  I lock the doors and turn off the lights before following her upstairs. Michael’s bedroom is Tavin’s old room and as I push open the door, I hear her singing. She’s lying in bed with him and Blind Mag, holding Toben’s lyric book, singing his words to her own melodies.

  My heart aches as I watch her sing our child to sleep, and as his breathing slows, she creeps out of the bed to meet me in the hallway. As soon as she shuts the door, I pick her up, squeezing her tight ass as I wrap her legs around my waist and slam her against the wall.

  “I missed you today, Tavin Sørensen.”

  She lets her head fall to the side as she laughs. “I missed you too, Lex.”

  Her lips press hard against mine as I carry the love of my perfectly sweet life, to our room.

  Sunday, December 8th

  “Happy birthday, Mommy!” Michael’s precious little voice yells, and I’m smiling before I even open my eyes. He jumps on the bed as Lex carries a tray. “We made you pancakes with sprinkles!”

  “You did?!”

  Alexander sets the tray down on my lap and the pancakes have whipped cream, rainbow sprinkles, and a bunch of burning candles. There’s a glass of strawberry milk and a lotus flower in a vase.

  What the lotus means has changed for me. It’s no longer a symbol of belonging to Logan, it’s a symbol of belonging to me. A reminder of my new life and the person I have become.

  The pancakes look delicious and I’m moaning in anticipation, as Alexander sits next to me on the bed. “Mikey was such a big helper. He put the sprinkles and the candles on, all by himself.”

  My heart feels like it will explode, sometimes, when I look at Michael. I love him more than this life I have. He looks so much like Toben it makes my chest physically ache.

  “It’s absolutely perfect.”

  Michael cuddles up next to me. “Make a wish!”

  I grin at Lex. What else is there to wish for? I have more than I could have ever dreamed. I squeeze my eyes shut and wish with all my might that things will stay this perfect forever. When I open them, I take a deep breath and blow all the candles out, on my first try.

  Michael and I both clap our hands and Lex laughs. Picking up my fork, I cut a scrumptious piece.

  “Can I have a bite?” Mikey’s mouth is already open waiting for his treat. I giggle and put the fork in his mouth. “Mmmm, yummy!”

  I get to eat every other bite of my birthday breakfast before Lex picks Michael up off the bed.

  “Why don’t you go take a nice bath while we set up for your party tonight?”

  I throw the covers off and jump up to wrap my arms around them. “I love you both, more than anything.”

  “We love you more than anything too, Mommy!”

  Lex’s eyes shine as he smiles down at me. “Yes, we do.”

  My chest tightens as I clutch the Tupperware in my hands and weave between the headstones. Every time I see the words, they feel chiseled in my soul just like they are on the granite.

  Toben Lee Michaels

  10/8/91- 7/13/15

  “When you bleed, I bleed.”

  YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND I EVER HAD. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

  I kneel before what remains of my friend. “I brought you some cake.”

  Popping open the container, I lay his piece on his grave. “Michael helped Cara Jo make it.” I laugh, “He’s so much like you, it’s ridiculous.” I take a bite of my cake and breathe in the winter air. “The art show went amazing. It was my best by far. I couldn’t have done it without you, so thank you.”

  I last longer than I usually do when the tears inevitably fall. I lie down on his grave as I ache for his arms around me. “I miss you so much, Tobe. I wish you could be here to see how perfect Michael is, to see my art, to live this incredible life with me.” I feel the anger squeezing me, making me want to scream. “It isn’t fair, all you did was suffer! Why didn’t you get to live this life? Why can’t you be here for the birthday YOU gave me?” I clutch at the dirt because it’s the only thing available. “I hope you’re with your mom and you get her hugs and kisses every day. I hope you’re as happy as I am.”

  It still hurts so terribly and I know it will never go away, yet I have so many people in my life who love me, that I love. They make life beautiful, and while I would do anything to have Toben back here with me, I have so many reasons to live.

  “Kyle’s trial finally ended. Three life sentences. He’ll never hurt anyone else again.” I sigh and draw a heart in the dirt. “I love you so much, Toben.” I wipe the tears and sit up. “I need to go. Everyone is coming over for my party!” I lean forward and kiss his gravestone. “Mikey and I will come see you tomorrow, okay?”

  I stand and look at his plot for a moment before I walk back to my car. I learned how to drive two years ago. Alexander bought me my lilac Lamborghini last year as a wedding present. I like to drive. It’s so fun, and I like being able to go anywhere I want, whenever I want, in a split second.

  As I pull through our gate, I see all the cars and my stomach tickles me. All these people are here because they care about me and they want to celebrate my birthday.

  I run inside and Blind Mag pops out of the propped-open basement door. I can hear the laughing and talking from up here. Picking her up, I hurry down the stairs. There’s music playing and everyone’s attention is on Michael as he shows off his sword fighting skills, in his crown and cloak.

  He’s a dragon hunting prince, you know.

  Nikki is sitting on Cain’s lap, clapping with glee, and I’m so grateful she changed her mind about being in Michael’s life. She kept living with us even after Michael was born. On his first birthday, we went out to celebrate and ran into Cain. I thought it would be awkward, until the moment he laid eyes on Nikki. Not me or any other woman in the world existed after that. He’s been perfect for her and he has grown close with Alexander. Lex now considers him one of his closest friends.

  Sasha is wearing my princess crown as she hides behind the play castle and says, “If only there was a strong prince to save me!”

  Silas jumps up from behind the couch and growls, “RAWR! I’m going to eat the princess up!” He turns to Sasha and winks. “I’m going to eat her up real good.�
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  Lex shakes his head. “Silas, keep it G-rated, alright? I’m still not completely out of the woods for Friday.”

  I smirk because he’s out of the woods just fine. I have the marks on my back to prove it.

  Cara Jo laughs as she watches Mikey. I owe so much to her. There’s no way I could have gotten through this without her. Michael had a few medical issues when he was born, including jaundice and colic. I didn’t know what to do and I felt like a failure, and she was there to help us through it, every step of the way.

  My grandmother leans over and laughs with Cara Jo. They have become good friends and she has been a big help as well. She’s hilarious. Some of the things that come out of her mouth are crazy. She’s one of the kindest people I have ever met and I love her dearly.

  I’ve grown extremely close to my Aunt Tavin. She understands my feelings even when I can’t explain them to myself. She claps along with my cousin Jonas, as Michael slays the Silas dragon. Jonas has been like a big brother to Michael and is very smart. He’s two grades ahead of what he is supposed to be and loves to teach Michael things.

  Alexander’s mother, Caterina, is sitting in a chair drinking her martini and holding Lauralie, Silas and Sasha’s little girl. Caterina’s somewhat starting to come around to me. I wouldn’t say she’s warming up to me, but at least she isn’t freezing me out anymore. Cooling up to me maybe? At least she talks to me now, and she’s nice to Mikey.

  Marie smiles and coos at Lauralie. About halfway through Nikki’s pregnancy, she reached out to me and apologized. She and Sasha have repaired their friendship and I can honestly say she’s my friend too. She’s our family doctor and helped assure me, when Michael was a sickly baby.

  Benny, Todd, and Timothy are playing poker at the table. I don’t play with them anymore because I always lose horribly.

  I’ve been learning so much from Benny’s self-defense classes. If I’m ever in another situation that I have to protect myself, I have all the confidence that I could. I even took Lex down once.

  A couple years ago, I reached out to Alia and found out her real name is Shelby. We’ve become extremely close. She and Christopher hit it off at my birthday last year and have been together ever since.

  I smile as they down shots at the bar. Even though they’re still both heavy into the drug and party scene, they’ve never broken our ‘no drugs in the house’ rule, and are usually sober, for the most part, around Mikey. I love Christopher for staying in Michael’s life, and we always go to the cemetery together, every year on Toben’s birthday.

  I let my eyes fill up with tears because the whole scene is more than I could have ever dreamed.

  Michael looks up and sees me, throwing his arms up as he yells, “Mommy!”

  Everyone turns, and Lex’s whole face still brightens every time he sees me.

  “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

  Everyone yells in unison, making it impossible not to grin. I finally have a family. I’m not a half-person anymore. I’m whole. I no longer spend my days doing anything not to feel. Now, I do everything I can to feel every single moment. I’m not a plaything or a toy.

  I am a mother.

  I am a friend.

  I am a sister.

  I am a niece.

  I am a granddaughter.

  I am his Lille.

  I am…Tavin.

  Cupcakes and Crooked Spoons: Sneak Peek

  October 2001

  SHE’S SLEEPING AGAIN. SHE DOESN’T move even when I poke her with the fork.

  “Mommy, wake up!” I yell it in her face, but she stays still. My stomach twists; I’m so hungry.

  There’s voices. My head whips to the door. Uh oh. Daddy’s home and he’s with someone.

  I better go hide.

  I jump off Mommy, rip open my door, and run downstairs to my room. Crawling beneath the stairs, I hold my lips together so I don’t make sounds with my breathing. I hug myself tight as the door creaks open from the top of the stairs.

  BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.

  Someone’s coming.

  “Stay down there, you little fucker. I’ll get you when I’m done.”

  That isn’t daddy’s voice.

  A loud pounding above my head makes me try to shrink smaller, and a big thump lets me know whatever was just thrown down here, has made it to the bottom.

  The door slams.

  I hear moaning and grumbling. Someone’s here. I stay perfectly still as the source of the noise comes into my view.

  “Bastard,” he mumbles.

  It’s a boy and I don’t know who he’s talking to because he doesn’t know I’m here. I think he is close to the same age as me. His brown hair falls into his face while he kicks at my floor on his way to my bed. I make sure I stay under the stairs as I move out a little further for a better look. He sits down and bounces a few times before he looks up and sees me.

  “Ahh!” He yells and falls back a little. “What are you doing, freak?”

  I crawl out. “My name is Tavin.”

  “I didn’t ask you your name, freak, I asked you what you’re doing, creepin’ under the stairs.”

  Why is he still calling me ‘freak’?

  “I was hiding. Why are you in my room?”

  “Because my dad wants to get high with yours.” He rolls his eyes. “I don’t even know why he brought me.”

  I’ve never met another kid before. I see them all the time, I’ve just never talked to one.

  “What is your name?”

  I stand up to meet him at my bed and look at his clothes. He’s wearing a long sleeve black shirt and he has a black hat on.

  “Toben.”

  I like his name, it kind of sounds like mine. The sharp pain turns over. My tummy hurts so badly, I hope I don’t throw up in front of him.

  “Do you have food?”

  He shifts awkwardly. “Uh, no. Sorry.”

  “Oh, it’s okay. You can play with me if you want.”

  His eyebrows scrunch and he frowns at me. “I don’t want.”

  Oh…dang.

  I look at his hands and he’s holding a notebook! Maybe he likes to draw, like me. He sets it down on my bed before reaching into his jeans, pulling out two long wires that are attached to a little shiny black box. It lights up when he touches it.

  “What is that?” I point to it.

  “It’s an iPod, duh.”

  Then he does something so funny, he puts the wires in his ears! “Why did you do that?”

  He raises one of his eyebrows and I can see his eyes. They’re as dark as night. I bet he’s good at drawing.

  He takes one of the wires out and hands it to me. “Listen.”

  I put the wire in my ear like he did. Instantly, loud screaming and banging music fills my head. I rip it back out. “What is that?!”

  “It’s Behemoth.” He sort of smiles. I wonder what a bee-hee-moth is.

  “Why is he yelling?”

  “I guess because he’s mad.”

  “Why?”

  He shrugs. “Maybe because there’s no God.”

  That’s the first time he looks at my eyes and I hope he does it again. I like it.

  “Oh.”

  He takes the wires out of the black box. The bee-hee-moth starts coming out of it and I can hear it all over my room.

  “I’ve never see you at lunch or anything, where do you go to school?”

  I shake my head. “I don’t go anywhere.”

  He frowns at me. “Everybody has to go to school. You’re lying.”

  “Hey! I’m not lying.”

  Why would I lie to him?

  He crosses his arms. “Then how did you learn to read, and tell time, and write your name?”

  I climb off my bed to show him my wall.

  “I don’t know how to do any of that stuff. Here, stand up, I want to show you my pictures.” He gets off so I can move my bed. “I like to draw.”

  When my bed is out of the way, I look at him and his eyebrows are lifted.

&n
bsp; “Obviously.”

  I kneel by my drawings. “Do you want to help?”

  He walks around my room. “Uh, no I’m good.” Shoving his hands in his pockets, he blows his hair out of his eyes. “All you have is that little TV and old radio? You don’t have an Xbox or anything?”

  What is this silly boy talking about? “I don’t think so.”

  He stomps to my bed and falls back onto it. “Great.”

  I crawl to him and prop my arms on my sheets. I rest my head in my hands as I watch him.

  “How old are you?”

  He lifts his head. “I turned ten last week. How old are you?”

  I want to know so badly! “I don’t know, I think I might be nine, but maybe I’m ten too!”

  “How do you not know how old you are, freak?”

  This boy is making me mad now, he knows my name. I point my finger at him, so he can see I’m serious.

  “Hey! My name is Tavin.”

  He gets off of my bed and sits on the floor with me. “Okay, Tavin. What’s your deal? You’re filthy, you aren’t even trying to cover up your bruises, you say you’ve never been to school, and now you don’t even know how old you are?”

  I guess I have worn this dress a long time. I don’t have very many, though, and the others are just like this. I didn’t know it was bad.

  “I’m filthy?”

  “God, yes. When was the last time you had a bath?”

  I close my eyes and try to remember. “I don’t know, I think mommy gave me one when there were still kids playing outside all day.”

  “You haven’t had a bath since summer vacation? That was over a month ago!” He brings his knees to his chest. “You’re too old for your mom to still be washing you. Why don’t you clean yourself?”

  I shrug. “I didn’t know I was supposed to.” I look at the purple marks on my arm. “Why should I hide them?”

  I can’t help that I get them. Should I be embarrassed? He keeps looking at me funny. Oh, I hope he doesn’t think I’m stupid.