Ache

by S. M. Soto

  The muscles in my stomach tighten, deliciously so and my eyes widen at his suggestion. He must notice the deer in headlights look on my face because he chuckles, rubbing the pad of his thumb over my lips.

  “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant stay the night with me, sweet Bea, just to sleep. I want to wake up to these gorgeous eyes tomorrow morning, and every morning after.”

  My heart flutters and heat rushes to my cheeks.

  I rub my swollen-kissed lips together and smile. We’ve only fell asleep together once before, by accident actually, and ever since then I’ve wanted to do it a million times over. Biting my bottom lip to hide my grin, I nod my head in approval.

  With his warm body pressed up against my back, Liam places gentle kisses on my shoulder and neck.

  “Liam?”

  “Yeah, sweet B?”

  “Are you my boyfriend?” My heart freezes in my chest, and my breath stills after asking the question I’ve wanted to ask for so long. I cringe at how naïve and foolish I probably sound to him. Yeah, the first time we ever kissed may have happened months ago, but we never had the discussion about us and our…relationship. I was inexperienced when it came to boyfriends and dating, that much was obvious. But Liam wasn’t. One look at him and you knew he had his fair share of ex-girlfriends back home. I guess in some small aspect, I’ve always been afraid to ask the question—worried about what his answer will be. But now…now I need to know. I can’t go another year, seeing him every day at school, wondering what other girls he’s kissing before he comes home to kiss me.

  “Do you want me to be your boyfriend, Bea?”

  I swallow thickly, and whisper, “Yes.”

  “Good. It’s settled.”

  My brows furrow. “What is?”

  “Us.”

  The way he says it has electricity thrumming through my veins. I roll onto my side, turning to face him with surprise etched on my face.

  “Really? It’s that simple?”

  His lips spread into that sexy smirk that I love. “Yes, it’s that simple.”

  The frown on my face becomes even deeper, if possible. “But…what about—are you sure this is what you want? I don’t want—”

  “Bea,” he chuckles, placing his finger over my lips to shush me. “I’m positive.”

  “Why?” I ask with his finger still pressed against my lips.

  “Because I want to be your boyfriend. I want everyone to know that you’re mine, sweet girl.”

  My heart flutters in my chest, and my stomach dips, like it just did a somersault. I can’t hold back my smile, or my surprise. With my brows raised, I ask, “You do?”

  Liam smiles, showcasing his beautiful teeth, and he tucks loose strands of hair behind my ear. His blue eyes pierce my hazel ones, and I feel like I’m being hypnotized by him.

  “Bea, I’ve wanted you to be mine since I first laid eyes on you. I don’t just want to be your boyfriend, I want to be your everything.”

  Tears sting my eyes, and I smile up at him. I rake my gaze over his handsome face, committing every small detail to memory. “I think I’m falling in love with you, Liam Falcon,” I whisper in a shaky voice. Liam dips his head down, catching my mouth with his, and twirls his tongue with mine, taking my breath away.

  “Me too, sweet Bea. Me too,” he whispers over my lips.

  In that moment, I feel as if Liam has taken my whole heart hostage, and what’s even more frightening, I don’t ever want him to give it back.

  The next morning, after having breakfast with Liam and Myrah, I head back home. Much to my surprise, my house is completely quiet when I walk inside. Usually there’s the sound of my mother in the kitchen cooking something, or Richard’s news channel blaring from the living room.

  Huh? I wonder where Richard and Mom went so early?

  I walk down the hall, prying the door to my room open and yelp in surprise when I find Connor sifting through my dresser drawers.

  “Connor!” I yell. “What the hell are you doing in my room?” I charge behind him, feeling my anger rise at him for disrespecting my space and invading my privacy.

  He’s taken it too far this time.

  “If I would’ve known you wore panties like these little sis, I would’ve told you to get naked a long time ago,” he says lifting up a handful of my thongs, and lacy panties.

  “Connor!” I gasp, trying to snatch my underwear out of his hands. He chuckles condescendingly at my efforts, keeping them over his head, just out of reaching distance.

  “I’ll give these back only if you take your clothes off.”

  “What?” I freeze. “I’m not taking my clothes off in front of you, Connor. Stop being weird.”

  “Then I guess you won’t be getting these back, will you?” he challenges.

  “I’m not undressing for you. That’s sick. You’re my stepbrother, and I have a boyfriend.” Pride roars through me when I say boyfriend. I can’t believe I actually get to call Liam that.

  “I’m the only adult here right now, Bea. So, I say you undress. Right now.”

  “Just because you graduated, you think you’re an adult now? That’s bullshit,” I say crossing my arms over my chest.

  “Ooh. Liam let you kiss him with that mouth? Maybe his cock sliding through those lips really has tainted you.”

  “Shut the hell up, Connor.”

  “Are you forgetting who you’re talking to?” He takes a threatening step toward me. “You do whatever I say, whenever I say.”

  “I don’t have to listen to you,” I shoot back, standing my ground.

  “Oh, you don’t?” He smirks at me, and next thing I know his hand is around my neck, cutting off my air supply. A cry for help gets stuck in my throat at his force, and my lungs pinch in pain. Connor brings his face down to mine, and I feel his hot breaths ghost across my face.

  “What about now?” he asks with a sick smile on his face. My chest burns with the need to inhale a deep breath, and my eyes sting. I clutch at his hand around my neck frantically, trying to pry his fingers off.

  “I can’t…c-can’t…breathe…Connor.” I croak out while scratching at his hand.

  “I know you can’t breathe, sweet little Bea. That’s what makes this so fun.” He grins wickedly. His hand tightens, and my eyes bulge, damn-near popping out of their sockets. He dips his head near my ear, and whispers harshly, “I want to make you bleed, Bea. I want to watch you writhe in pain. I want you in tears. Completely broken to my will. I. Want. It. All.”

  Just as I’m on the verge of unconsciousness, my vision honing on the black tunnel, Connor releases his hold on my neck and flings my body back onto the bed. My hands fly to my throat and I splutter for air, almost hacking up my lungs from coughing so much. I skittishly dart my eyes around the room just in time to see Connor leave, with a pair of hot pink underwear gripped tightly in his fist.

  After spending the day with my mother discussing college, setting up a meeting with my counselor and what classes I should take, I’m finally climbing into bed. Mom and Richard leave again tomorrow, so I’ll be left alone with Connor again, for who knows how long this time around. I wish I had the gall to beg them to take me with them, but I don’t. It would only make it worse when I eventually came back. I wouldn’t be able to stay away forever, would I?

  Just as I’m starting to drift off to sleep, there’s the distinct sound of my door creaking open. My hands fist the sheets, and I clench my eyes closed, trying to force my mind elsewhere. I force my mind to that place, my safe place. It’s the only way I can ever get through this. The bed dips, and nails dig into my skin of my arm, slicing through the safety of my mind. Connor yanks me onto my back forcing my attention on him.

  Find your safe place, Bea. Find your safe place, Bea.

  But I can’t. Not with Connor hovering over me the way he is.

  “You think you’re so smart, don’t you? Thinking you can run off to college and you’ll be saved, but you’re forgetting one crucial fact, I fucking own you.”


  I turn my face away from him, focusing my stare on the closed curtains. Pain sears through my jaw with the vise grip Connor has on my face. His fingers dig angrily into my flesh.

  “No one will ever want you after me. Once they know what a dirty little slut you’ve been for me, they won’t want you.” His harsh words blow across my face, searing into my soul, branding my skin. I fight against the pain, trying to tear my face out of his grip.

  “Look at me!” he hisses, darkness clouding over his features. I immediately stop fighting and look him square in the eye. His blonde hair is ruffled, hanging down in his face, and his eyes are as black as ever.

  “If you look away from me, even once, I swear to God, I will break your fucking jaw.” Connor pushes down his sweats, freeing his cock, and yanks my pajamas down. He slams into me and smiles with each of his brutal thrusts.

  Eventually, my body goes numb, as I continue staring into Connor’s dead eyes. Silent tears track down my face, but that doesn’t deter him. If anything, he’s getting off on my misery more. When he finishes, I roll onto my side and let the tears flow. They soak into my pillow keeping the left side of my face damp, well into the night.

  PAST

  MAY 2011

  I scramble around my mother’s makeup drawers for something to cover the bruises around my neck. When Connor choked me this morning, I was scared for my life. He had a side to him that was evil. A side that was well hidden from his father and my mother. It was a side that frightened me enough to keep it a secret from everyone I loved.

  I’m supposed to be meeting Liam, and Myrah to go to the movies, but as I was getting ready, I caught my reflection in the mirror and my heart stopped. Vibrant purple and blue bruises were cruelly wrapped around my throat in the shape of Connor’s fingers, and I had no idea what to do. So far, Mom and Richard haven’t noticed, but I kind of wish they had. Maybe then things would change. Maybe then Connor could get some help for whatever dark demons he’s fighting.

  After Connor noticed the bruises on my neck, his face paled a bit, but he recovered quickly, and said if I ever mentioned anything, he wouldn’t think twice about using his swiss army knife on me.

  And I believed him.

  I shouldn’t be trying to hide these marks from my best friend and my boyfriend to try and cover Connor’s tracks, but I’m worried about what they’ll say—much less, what Liam will do to Connor. If he gets into a fight with him, he might get sent back home, and I can’t have that. Especially now.

  I need him more than ever.

  Finding some of my mother’s foundation and setting powder I use it on my neck to cover the bruises. It’s a little light and the color doesn’t really match my own, but it’ll do. For now, at least.

  I almost thought I got away with Liam and Myrah not noticing the marks on my neck, that is until, we were seated at a booth in our favorite burger joint and Liam grips me by the shoulders.

  “What the fuck is that?”

  “What?” I ask, still laughing at the joke Myrah just told. She’s been going on and on about Melissa Abrams from our sixth period geometry class. Melissa is the big bitch at Clear Lake High with her sights set on Liam. She can’t stand me, and the feeling is completely mutual. She’s a senior and completely gorgeous, but she also lacks a brain, as well as common sense.

  Liam’s face contorts and his brows crease as he gently tilts my head back. My breath catches when he runs his fingers along the skin of my neck. I swallow the thick lump in my throat.

  “What the fuck, Bea. Are these…bruises?” His eyes dart to mine, and there’s a raging fire brewing behind them. I internally berate myself for getting so caught up in the moment at the theatre and letting Liam kiss my neck. Over the course of the night, the makeup must’ve worn off, especially with him kissing me.

  “It’s…it was an accident. I-I—” I stutter violently through my fibbing.

  “You’re lying.” Myrah says suspiciously, leaning forward in the booth to get a better look. Her forehead creases with worry. “Why are you lying, Bea?”

  Tears prick my eyes as I search for something to say. “Connor got upset…I don’t think he meant to hurt me, things just got out of hand.”

  Myrah’s mouth drops open and all the color drains from her face as she stares at me.

  “I’m going to fucking kill him,” Liam growls, already pushing to his feet. I clutch onto his arm, and grip tightly, holding on for dear life.

  “No! Please, Liam, don’t do anything.”

  “You’re protecting him?” he asks incredulously.

  “No! God, no! I’m protecting you, I can’t lose you Liam. I don’t want you in trouble over this, just please, please, let it go.”

  “I can’t let something like this go, Bea.”

  Tears start running down my face, and I let out a sob that makes Liam freeze. I grapple at his arm, not wanting him to go and do something stupid.

  “Hey, hey—don’t cry, sweet Bea. Please don’t cry.”

  Liam wraps his thick arms around me and pulls me into his chest. I can feel the probing stares of those seated around us, but I don’t care. In the solace of Liam’s arms is the only place I need to be. I just hope he doesn’t do something stupid over this. I meant what I said—I couldn’t lose him—not now, and not ever.

  Once we get home from the burger joint, Liam walks me to my door. Myrah casts a worried look my way as we say goodbye and begs me to stay with them at her house tonight, but I have no doubt my mom will say no. Especially because tonight is a school night.

  Wrapping his arms around me, Liam dips his head down and kisses me. His lips are soft, and gentle, yet demanding and firm. I loved his kisses, and what they could do to my body.

  Resting his forehead against mine, Liam blows out a deep breath, squeezing my body tighter against his.

  “I want to kill him.”

  “I-I know, but please, Liam,” I plead helplessly.

  Those iridescent blue eyes look down at me, searing into me. “I’m not promising anything, Bea.” Unwrapping his arms from my body, he grips both of my hands in his. Unruly brown hair falls into those captivating eyes that I love, in a rugged, gorgeous way.

  “I’ll always protect you, sweet B. No matter what,” he says vehemently. Cupping his face in my hand, I smile up at him.

  “I know, Liam. That’s why I love you.”

  He carefully tucks a lock of hair behind my ear and finally cracks a small smile. “I love you, too.”

  The next morning, I don’t see my mother and Richard off before they go on their travels. Instead, I hide out in my room. I tearfully ignored my mother’s pleas to open up, so she can give me a proper goodbye, but I couldn’t.

  When I woke up this morning my jaw ached in pain, and when I looked in the mirror, I knew why. Connor had marked me once again. I couldn’t even tell my own mother goodbye because of him. I couldn’t let her see me like this. Connor was always taking from me. My choices, my relationships, my body. He thinks everything belongs to him.

  My mother’s always been a little emotionally unstable, so I know for certain, if she ever knew what Connor’s done to me since I was sixteen years old, she’d probably lose it. I think that’s why, after all these years—six to be exact—I’ve never said anything. I think, in some fucked up way, I’ve been trying to protect her from all the ugly and hideous things that have been done to me under her own roof.

  Once I hear the front door slam shut around nine, I know Connor has left for work. I use this time to shower and get ready to head to Mendocino. I’m serious about going to college. I went for one semester after high school, but with everything that was happening at the time, it was too much, so I stopped going. Now, I kind of wish I never would’ve stopped.

  Grabbing my wallet and keys, I scurry out of the house toward my car. I’ve had my ’09 Honda since I graduated, but it usually doesn’t get much use. I’m hoping that’ll change. Especially now that I’m heading back to college. As I’m unlocking the car, abou
t to get in, my heart constricts when I hear her voice. Myrah.

  “Bea? Hey, Bea!”

  “How are you?”

  Her voice is getting closer, so I know she’s closing the distance between our lawns. I stare at my bruised reflection in my car window, and without a second thought, I scramble inside of the car, slamming my door, and pull out of the driveway like a mad-woman, without a look back. Just the thought of Myrah seeing me like this, with a bruised face, is enough to break me down.

  I guess some things never change.

  After registering for two classes at the Lakeport branch of Mendocino, I explore the campus a little to get an idea of where my classes will be. As I walk past groups of giggling girls, and groups of guys, I get the distinct feeling that I’m in a bigger high school. With all the cliques of different people, this is definitely like attending a larger high school. I guess that’s what happens when you attend community college.

  I feel like a ghost here. No one looks twice at me, and if they do, they stare at me like I’m an animal at the zoo. At one point I think I might’ve turned heads. Back when I was just Bea…not the Bea I am today. No one would ever look twice at this Bea. I hate this version of myself almost as much as I hate Connor.

  With my class schedule gripped tightly in my fist, I head home knowing I’ve pushed it being out as long as I already have. When I pull into the driveway, I see Connor’s car already there, and my stomach bottoms out. My hands tremble as I struggle to turn off the ignition. I wish I could just drive away right now, and never come back—consequences be damned.

  Inhaling a deep breath, I force myself to get out of the car and head inside my own personal hell. Shutting the door behind me as quietly as possible was futile because next thing I know, Connor has the back of my neck in a painful grasp, forcefully slamming the front of my body into the door. He holds the back of my neck like you would with an animal.