One or Two Things I Learned About Love

by Dyan Sheldon

  Gus wanted to know if it was Ely she saw dressed as a carrot drinking a soda in the diner this afternoon. I said probably.

  Went over to Nomi’s for the fire pit. And there was Ely. For a second I actually thought ohmygod Nomi was serious about Ely and dumped Jax (and didn’t tell me!). But it was Louie who invited him. Apparently they spent the day driving around with Ely dressed as the Vegetable Avenger. I told him my sister saw him in the diner. He said she should’ve come in and said hello. Louie wanted to know where my boyfriend the invisible man was. I said his name’s Connor. Jax said he couldn’t believe Conan would pass up the opportunity to eat baked potatoes covered in soot. I said his name’s Connor. Grady said but you and Colin are coming on Thursday, right? It’s boys’ pick so he doesn’t have to worry about staying awake. (All the guys except Louie fell asleep during Moonstruck. Maggie tied Grady’s laces together so when he stood up he fell over. It was hilarious.) I said his name’s Connor. And then I explained about the game. Louie said, “You see? I don’t think this guy exists. Hildy’s making him up.” I said the truth is that he’s a superhero so there are a lot of claims on his time. Ely objected. He said, “This town isn’t big enough for two champions of truth, justice and the American Way.” I said it’s OK, he’s not a root vegetable.

  Connor texted me during lulls in whatever it was he was doing. It didn’t take long for everybody to catch on. “Love Finds Andy Hardy,” muttered Louie, “no matter where she goes.” Nomi groaned as if she just missed the train. “What does he think’ll happen if he doesn’t hear from you every half hour?” I said well maybe he misses me. Grady said, “But you haven’t gone anywhere.” Maggie rolled her eyes at him. She said she figures I found the only boy with a grain of romance in him this side of the Atlantic. Cristina said if I could clone him I’d make a fortune. But every time I got another message there were a lot of squeals and sighs and Jax in this high, squeaky voice saying, “Be still my quivering heart!” Followed by hysterical laughter (even from the romantics). Anyway the potatoes finally looked like lumps of coal so we got all involved in eating, and then because there’s no way of stopping them Kruger and Jax got out their guitars (and Sara got out a couple of Mrs Slevka’s pots) so I stopped answering Connor’s texts. When I suddenly got a call I didn’t even check to see who it was. I just answered automatically. I figured it was one of my parents and there was some emergency at home. It was Connor. He thought there was some emergency with me. Because I wasn’t answering his texts. The music was pretty loud but Louie was louder. “Is it lover boy?” he yelled. Connor wanted to know what that noise was. I said it was nothing. “It is!” Louie screamed. “It’s lover boy!” I tried to kick him but he moved out of my way. I was trying not to talk too loudly because I didn’t want everybody else to stop singing and talking to listen to me. Connor kept saying, “What? What? I can’t hear you, Hildy.” I said I’d call him back when I got home. He didn’t hear me. I said it again. He still didn’t hear me. Ely and Louie both shouted, “She’ll call you back when she gets home!” My phone went dead. Well, it didn’t go dead – he ended the call. I couldn’t enjoy myself after that so I left early. Connor was a little cool when I got him. All monosyllabic and lively as road kill. Yes. No. OK. You’d think I was his mother questioning him about how his night was. I asked him what was wrong. He said, “Nothing”. I said it didn’t feel like nothing. It felt like he was mad at me. He said he wasn’t mad exactly. But that I wasn’t straight with him. He hates that. I didn’t know what he was talking about. He said I’d told him we were having a fire pit not a party. I’d never said anything about going to a party. I said that’s because I didn’t go to a party. We had a fire pit. But, you know, it wasn’t the kind where you take a vow of silence. He said maybe I thought I was being funny but it sounded like a party to him. He heard music. I said you heard Jax and Kruger on guitar and Sara playing a soup pot and two saucepans. It was only a party if you call a bunch of people sitting around a pit with a fire in it talking and singing along to songs that nobody really knows the words to a party. He said I didn’t have to be sarcastic. He only called because he was afraid something had happened to me. I said like what? That I fell into the fire? He said things like that happen all the time. I didn’t know what to say to that (DO THEY?) so I didn’t say anything. (And it is sweet that he cares about me so much. The time I got stuck on the roof and called my dad, he didn’t exactly rush home to get me down.) Connor said that was why he was a little annoyed, because I wouldn’t even talk to him and he was so worried. I said, “I couldn’t hear you. You might as well’ve been talking through a tin can and a piece of string.” He said I could’ve moved away from the noise. Why didn’t I just go up by the house? I felt awful. I felt the way I did the time I accidentally killed my goldfish. How could I be so stupid? Why didn’t I think of that? And I was being sarcastic. When all he was doing was being concerned. I said I was really sorry. I didn’t mean to upset him. He said he knows that – he knows I’m not like that. But some girls are. Some girls don’t think about anybody but themselves. They don’t give a false eyelash who they hurt. He said he didn’t want to fight with me. Fighting’s another thing he hates. And I don’t? Do I look like Muhammad Ali? Connor laughed and said, “Nothing like him. You’re much thinner.” So everything was OK in the end. Phew! I couldn’t stand it when I thought he was mad at me. It made me want to get into that hole in the ground and never come out.

  I said I’d mind Zelda while my folks went out, so Connor came over to hang with us. When he got here my dad said, “What? You again?” We watched a movie with Zelda. After she went to bed we sat on the couch and kissed and cuddled. It was really lovely. We didn’t mention last night. I think it’s better just to act like it never happened. (Like Gran always says, “If the bear’s asleep, don’t wake it up.”) Which of course is the exact opposite of my parents. They never let anything go. They’d wake up every bear in the woods. I swear, they’re still arguing about things that happened before they were born.

  Gus came home while Connor was here. She was in a good mood (for a change) and pretended she didn’t know who Connor was. “Oh you must be Aidan— Oh no, not Aidan, Elwood— Oh no, not Elwood… Don’t tell me, don’t tell me, it’s right on the tip of my tongue…” When he didn’t exactly fall over laughing she grabbed his hand and shook it. She said, “Don’t look so worried, of course I know who you are. You’re Connor. You go to Priestly-Hamilton, you live out by the lake, and you nearly drowned my sister.” She hovered around for a while talking about school and boats and his job and stuff like that. Until she finally noticed that I was willing her to shut up and go away. And she shut up and went.

  Connor wanted to know who those boys were. I said what boys? He said, “The ones your sister mentioned.” He said he thought I’d said that I’d never had a boyfriend before. I said I haven’t. Gus was just kidding. He said, “Oh. Kidding.” But it sounded like I’d just told him the moon is made of cheese. Oh. Cheese.

  Connor’s parents invited me to supper tomorrow. I wasn’t expecting that. I had to think about it for a second. Connor said, “What? You’re already busy?” I said not busy exactly. But I’d kind of promised Louie I’d help him with his editing tomorrow night. Connor said, “Oh. Right. Your friend Louie.” I felt really bad. I mean, what’s wrong with me? What are my priorities? I can help Louie any time. He lives across the road. I said, “It wasn’t really a promise. I just said I’d go if I wasn’t doing anything else. But now I am.”

  Connor says he thinks it would be better if I didn’t bring all my friends with me when I come to see him at work any more. He doesn’t think his supervisor likes it. She made some crack about seagulls at the beach. I was incredulous. About us? He said, “Well you do make a lot of noise. Especially Maggie. She has that laugh.” Which I did think was a little harsh. Maggie’s laugh is a lot more like a crane than a seagull. All I can say is it’s a good thing we didn’t have Zelda with us.

  He’s definitely a great kiss
er!

  And I’m definitely getting better!!!!

  When I came out to breakfast this morning Zelda was standing on her head by the back door (she thinks it’ll make her hair grow faster), and Gus was finishing her coffee. I asked what she thought of Connor. She said he seemed OK. Not in a peach-silk-shirt way, but OK. And then she said, “He looks kind of familiar. His last name’s Bowden, right? Does he have a brother?” I thought I was going to fall over like an axed tree. Would I rather find out I was related to Godzilla than to a girl who dated Calvin Bowden? Yes, I would. I think I shrieked. “Oh please. Please tell me you didn’t go out with Cal!” Gus stuck up her thumbs. “Gotcha!” I thought she was going to gag, she was laughing so much. She came back into the kitchen before she left to get her lunch. I was reading a message on my phone. She wanted to know why Connor texts me all the time. I said because he’s my boyfriend. She said that isn’t actually the definition of the word boyfriend.

  Ely asked if everything’s cool. I said, “What are we talking about?” He said, “Sunday night. You left the party pretty abruptly after Connor called.” I said, “It wasn’t a party. It was a fire pit.” Ely said, “So? Is everything cool?” I said if everything got any cooler I’d have frostbite. I said, “And anyway you’re going to see for yourself, ’cause he’s picking me up after work.” Ely wanted to know if he could take a picture to prove to Louie that Connor really exists. With that scalpel-like wit it’s amazing Ely’s never thought of being a comedian. No, it’s not just amazing. It’s criminal. With all the troubles in the world, people need to be able to laugh, and it might as well be at him. Ely said maybe we could do a double act. And that reminded him about Louie’s movie about the Vegetable Avenger. Ely figures it’d be even better if Lethal Lettuce was in it. We could do some street theatre. Raise awareness of the plight of the humble potato. Not to mention the struggling organic farmer with multinational food giants messing up his crops and threatening to sue him. I said I thought this was meant to be an advertising gimmick. You know, like Ronald McDonald. Ely said but it could be so much more.

  Connor and I texted back and forth all day. Green Pick-up Guy came by when I was right in the middle of a sentence so he had to wait a few seconds while I finished. He said it made you wonder what people did before they had cell phones. Ely said, “They talked to the people they were with, not the people they weren’t with.”

  And he gave me a present! Green Pick-up Guy, not Ely. He brought me a fan! I said what’s this for? He said because yours drowned. He just happened to see it and thought of me. I was really touched. He said to keep it away from my sister.

  Connor’s parents aren’t anything like my parents. To start with, they’re very grown-up looking (he looks like a lawyer, which he is, and she looks like Meryl Streep, which she isn’t). They act pretty grown-up, too. You wouldn’t catch one of them hanging a plastic dinosaur from the kitchen light. I wasn’t really nervous till I saw them. And then I was nothing but exposed nerves that were being zapped by electricity. I was in my jeans and a T-shirt from work. I smelled like the herb basket on the stand. I couldn’t think of anything to say. Even though it was just a regular night, Mr Bowden was wearing slacks and a dress shirt with cufflinks and a tie (but loose) and Mrs Bowden had on this linen dress and gold jewellery that made her look as if she was going out to dinner at some fancy restaurant. My mother always has bits of yarn stuck to her clothes or her hair and my dad’s only tie is a string one with a lizard bolo. (And if he found a cufflink he’d think it was something that fell out of a car.) The only time they dress up is for major celebrations of happiness or grief. (They both own one suit.) But the Bowdens didn’t sniff the air and mutter, “Is that basil? Do I smell thyme?” Or ask me if I was going to change for dinner or anything like that. They were super polite and pleasant. But it was kind of like a house that looks really clean because everything’s been stuffed in the closet and under the couch. And it didn’t take long to see what Connor meant when he said they’re critical. Really. The two of them should be reviewing movies or something. He could hardly pick up his fork without one of them telling him he was doing it wrong. It was all I don’t think so, Connor… That can’t be true, Connor… Connor, where did you ever hear that? But by the time they got to the bottom of one of Mr Bowden’s bottles from his wine rack they’d started in on each other. Not yelling or anything like that. They were really calm and smiling (which is the other way they’re not like my parents). Whatever one said the other corrected. I beg to differ, Natalie… I’m sorry, Porter, but I don’t think that’s quite right… Not blue, green. Not Thursday, Monday. Not Nantucket, Martha’s Vineyard. If Mrs Bowden said she liked to drive, Mr Bowden would say it was too bad she never learned to park. And then he’d chuckle so we’d all know he was just teasing her. If Mr Bowden said he liked to cook Mrs Bowden would say no wonder since he only does it once every five years. And then she’d laugh so we’d all knew she was teasing him. That kind of thing. It was excruciating. No wonder they never argue. They’re in a constant state of war. Connor says he tries not to notice. It’s like not noticing that bombs are falling all over your yard.

  After dinner Connor and I went down to the lake and walked along the shore. He told me how once when he was little they visited his uncle in Maryland and he and his dad and Cal went out on the uncle’s boat at night. The bay was filled with luminous fish. Connor thought the stars were falling from the sky and started to cry. (How completely adorable is that?)

  Connor says I told him Ely’s funny-looking. I said, “No, I said Ely’s very tall and he’s funny, but I never said he’s funny-looking.” He said I definitely said funny-looking. Since I don’t think Ely is funny-looking (the Countess says he reminds her of the young Ronald Colman) I really don’t think I ever said that, but even if I did, I don’t see what it matters. Connor said he hates it when I don’t tell him the truth. I said I always tell him the truth. The only time Ely looks funny is when he’s playing the ukulele. Or is dressed as a carrot. I said it’s too bad he didn’t get a chance to talk to him because he’s a really interesting guy. Connor said, “I bet he is.”

  Mrs Chimurro at the pottery studio said I could switch over to her Monday-night class for the rest of the summer if I want. Connor couldn’t understand why I wanted to change my classes. He said I thought you go on Saturdays. I said I used to go on Saturdays, but that was before I worked on Saturdays. I explained that besides not wanting to lose the money I paid, I have to finish the Masiados’ mugs before their anniversary. Which isn’t that far away now. Connor wanted to know if I’d started working Saturdays so I could work with Ely more. Because he’s so interesting and funny. I said no, Connor. I switched so I’d have Thursdays off with you. Connor said, “Oh.”

  I was hoping the other guys would be bringing dates this time when we went out after the game, but no such luck. So it was back to the Big Boot Pizzeria, at the round table in the far corner with the boys – Connor, Stu, Albie, JC and Milt. They were all as excited as little kids at a party because they’d won again. Which isn’t exactly a regular event. Even Stu, who I was surprised knew my name since last time he’d acted as if I wasn’t there at all, said, “Maybe Hildy really is bringing us luck. Maybe we should make her our mascot. We should give her one of our T-shirts to wear.” (I didn’t mention that to Nomi. You know what she’s like. If there’s an argument within a five-hundred-mile radius, Nomi will find it. She wouldn’t think it was cute me being their mascot. She’d think it was patronizing. As if I was a dog. She’d want to know why I didn’t slap my pizza over his head.) But after that it was all the same talk about The Game and the other team and our team and some guy who couldn’t tell a foul from a bagel and I started drifting off the way I do when my dad starts explaining how to clean a carburettor. And then Milt, who was sitting on my other side, suddenly started talking to me. He’s all bluesed out because his girlfriend dumped him. He said he couldn’t really talk to his friends about it because they didn’t like her to begin wi
th. And anyway, you know what guys are like. I almost said no I don’t, only he didn’t give me a chance to say anything. So he told me all about Salome Hornstein. She wouldn’t even tell him why she was through with him. Or what was wrong with him. Or give him another chance. It was just, So long Milton. Don’t call me and I won’t call you. He’s pretty sure she already has a new boyfriend. He said he felt like a fish that was about to be dinner. I was trying to cheer him up so I said, “Breaded? Baked? Garnished with parsley and lemon?” He said, “No, gutted.”

  Connor was quiet on the way home. I figured he was tired from the game. And three extra-large pizzas (after all that chewing it was no wonder he couldn’t work his jaw). He was really concentrating on his driving, like any minute he was expecting a deer to jump out at him. (My mom would’ve been delirious if she’d seen him. He was like a video for road safety.) Finally when we got to my house he wanted to know what Milt and I were talking about. We looked like we were plotting the overthrow of the government. I said that we were actually talking about how Salome Hornstein kicked his heart into the gutter of love. Connor said he told Milt right from the start that she was a flirt. He said, “She even flirted with me, and I’m Milt’s best friend.” Then he opened the glove compartment and took out my fan. I thought I’d lost it but it must’ve fallen out of my bag the other night. I was really happy to get it back. Connor wanted to know why Green Pick-up Guy gave me a fan. I said because Zelda killed mine. He said that didn’t explain why Green Pick-up Guy bought me a new one. I said just because he’s nice, that’s all. Connor said he must be practically a saint to buy stuff for a girl he gets his potatoes from. Then he said he had to go home. His father’s laying down the law. I said well, he is a lawyer. Connor said, “Yeah.” So there was no steaming up the windows of the car tonight.