One or Two Things I Learned About Love

by Dyan Sheldon

  Nomi said I should’ve asked Connor if when Salome Hornstein flirted with him he flirted back. See what I mean about her?

  It’s really weird. Nothing happened with me and Connor but I kind of feel like it did. It reminds me of when I went to Nomi’s fire pit and he acted like he was mad at me but he said he wasn’t. I’m being paranoid. He can’t be mad at me. I haven’t done anything.

  No Good morning! text from Connor. Figured he probably overslept and had to race to work. Texted him while I was having breakfast. Texted from the stand. Called a couple of times, got the voicemail. Nomi thinks I’m winding myself up over nothing. Welcome to the real world. She said she can go days without hearing from Jax. (As if there’s any comparison between her and Jax, and me and Connor.) I said but Connor always texts me. And he usually calls me on his breaks. Nomi said well maybe he’s really busy at work. Or he lost his phone or left it at home or the dog ate it or something. Didn’t Louie’s dog eat his phone once? (That was Scorsese. Of course. Louie figured Scorsese was having trouble dialling so he ate it in frustration.) I said but what if it’s None of the Above? What if something happened to him? What if he had an accident on the way home? You’re always reading about youths whose lives are cut tragically short because they skidded in the snow and lost control of the car. Nomi said, “Hildy, it’s July. If he skidded on snow he’s some kind of magician and you don’t have to worry about him hurting himself.” I said OK, not snow, but he could’ve hit a moose. Nomi said, “Or he could’ve left his phone in his shirt pocket and put it in the hamper like Jax did that time.” I said but if Connor did have an accident it probably wouldn’t occur to his parents to tell me. Even if his phone wasn’t destroyed in the crash and they had my number, why would they think I should be told? I haven’t even known him a month. And anyway they’re probably keeping vigil at the hospital. You can’t expect them to think of calling his friends when they’re sitting at his bedside, watching the monitor, beepbeepbeepbeep. Nomi wanted to know if I’ve completely lost my mind. She said it could be the chlorine in the Palacios’ pool. Chlorine can definitely do harm. I said I’m sorry but thinking Connor had an accident isn’t any weirder than thinking he threw his phone in the wash. Nomi said, “Well how was he when you saw him last night? Did you guys have a fight?” I said of course we didn’t have a fight. We have nothing to fight about. I said he didn’t hang out long, but that was because he was wiped out after the game. Nomi said boys are like that. They hit a wall and it’s all over. She’s seen Jax so tired that even if every guitar legend, living and dead, pulled up in a bus outside the house he would still fall asleep.

  Planned to go and help Louie tonight because of missing Tuesday but I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Still no word from Connor. Watched a movie about something with Zelda, phone in my shirt pocket next to my heart. No messages. Heart and phone both empty. Called Nomi. She decided it is weird that he’s not answering. Unless he was suddenly called away by the President to bring peace to the Middle East. She said, “So he didn’t skid in the snow and you did have a fight.” I said I don’t remember having a fight. Asked her if Jax ever gets mad at her for no reason. She said, “No, he always has a reason.” She said she’s busy tomorrow but why don’t we go bowling on Saturday? With the Mob. I can’t just mope around the house. She’ll organize it. I said OK.

  What is wrong with me? Am I in love? Or is it the chlorine? I know it can give you fatigue and asthma and hurt your eyes but I’m not really sure it can melt your brain cells. Although on the other side of Missouri, as Gran would say, they’re always discovering that things everybody thought did one thing actually do something else that’s not exactly a bonus. Pesticides. Prescription drugs. GM foods. Maybe there’s something in chlorine that makes you fall for the first person who comes along. Maybe if it wasn’t Connor I’d be feeling like this about Broccoli Man (oh what a thought – I swear I scare myself sometimes!). OK, not Broccoli Man. Anyone. Like in that play where the queen of the fairies falls in love with this guy with a donkey’s head because she’s been put under a spell. I could be fixated on one of Louie’s dogs. The Curse of Chlorine strikes again!

  I know that the trusty sidekick of the Vegetable Avenger should be as crisp as a perfect iceberg, vibrant as red oak leaf and sharp as arugula. But today I was more like a little gem that’s been left at the bottom of the refrigerator with the bendy carrots for a month. So it wasn’t Lethal Lettuce who joined the Vegetable Avenger in his tireless quest for botanical justice, it was Listless Lettuce. Listless Lettuce couldn’t care less if GM seeds take over the earth or if the rivers have so much toxic waste in them that they burn. I’m not saying I’d lost the will to live, but I definitely misplaced it. I could just about remember how happy I was two days ago, but it was starting to look as if I might never be happy again. The day could only have seemed longer if I was on stilts and being forced to listen over and over to “Frosty the Snowman” played on bells. I kept checking my phone to make sure it was working. I thought: This is what death is like. A phone that never rings. Only if you were dead you wouldn’t care. So it’s more like Hell. Hell is when you’re dead, the phone never rings and you care a lot. I don’t know how I got through the day without salting the string beans with my tears. Really. I don’t even remember most of it. People came. People bought. People went. Time crawled along like some small, crippled creature through an ocean of porridge. Ely kept asking me if I was all right, till I finally told him that if he didn’t stop I was going to make soup out of him. The only thing I do remember is that Broccoli Man wouldn’t get out of his car because there were too many people at the stand and I refused to go to him like I usually do. I said to Ely, “You’re the Vegetable Avenger. You go.” Broccoli Man doesn’t really like Ely (it was Ely who told him that first time that we didn’t have any broccoli), but I hadn’t counted on him liking Ely even less when he’s dressed as a carrot. He rolled up his window so quickly that Ely’s fronds got caught, so he was sort of bent over with a basket full of vegetables in his hands. And then Broccoli Man started the engine. The Vegetable Avenger let out a scream never before heard from the lips of a superhero. It was Green Pick-up Guy who yanked open the passenger door and grabbed the key from the ignition. Ely said it was the first time I almost-smiled in two days. I said it was gas.

  When I got home, my mother and Zelda were having an argument. (I know, there must’ve been another shower of frogs over Lebanon Road this afternoon to mark such an unusual event. We obviously live in a neighbourhood where cosmic phenomena are practically an everyday occurrence.) From what I could gather, my mother gave the basket Zelda made at day camp a funny look. I went straight to my room and threw myself on the bed. I figured I’d stay like that till I had to get up and go through another day of doom and despair. And then my phone rang. I could tell right away it was him. I swear I almost choked on my heart. I fell off the bed.

  I can’t believe it. Really. It’s so far away from logic and reality it’s in another dimension. Turns out, Nomi was right. (I guess she has to be sometimes!) Connor and I did have a fight. Kind of. Well not a fight the way we have fights at Casa D’Angelo. But it was something like a fight. Only I didn’t even know about it. (You’d think he would’ve mentioned it. I mean, what’s the point of having a fight with someone if you don’t even tell them you’re mad?) The fight was over nothing. At least I think it was over nothing. I swear I didn’t do anything wrong. Anyway when I answered the phone Connor said, “Hildy?” I said last time I looked it was me. Then Connor acted all surprised and said he didn’t mean to call me. He said he must’ve hit my number by mistake. I said, “Well I’ve been calling and texting you for two days and that wasn’t a mistake.” He said, “Umph.” I said, “So what’s been going on? Are you mad at me about something?” And he said, “Why would I be mad at you?” I said, “I don’t know, but you aren’t exactly being friendly.” We went back and forth like that a few times. Till finally he said, “You really don’t know?” I said, “Would I be
asking if I did?” So eventually it all came out. It had really bothered him that I’d spent all the time at Big Boot talking to Milt. I said, “But Milt was talking to me. I hardly said a dozen words. The rest of you were all yakking to each other about softball. And anyway, he was talking about his ex-girlfriend.” Connor said that I’m naïve. He said what I don’t know about guys would circle the globe at least three times. And tie a bow. He said that’s what guys do to get sympathy and lull you into a false sense of security. I said, “Really? And why would he do that?” He said it’s because Milt’s after me. I had to stop myself from laughing. I mean, really. I said, “I don’t think Milt’s after me, Connor.” He said I don’t know Milt the way he does. I said that’s right, Milt’s not my best friend. And, just for the record, the last time we went out the only thing Milt said to me was, “Do you want the chilli flakes?” He’s just really upset that his girlfriend dumped him like an old shoe with a hole in the toe and he needed to talk about it with someone who wouldn’t rather talk about batting averages. I said and anyway, if one of your friends starts talking to me, what am I supposed to do? Not answer? Question his motives? Oh, I’m sorry so-and-so, but are you talking to me to be polite because I’m sitting here all by myself while everybody else bleats on about foul balls and blind umpires, or are you talking to me because you think I’ve been hoping you’d flirt with me in front of my boyfriend? So then we both laughed. And he apologized. He said he guesses I’m right, he was being kind of ridiculous. He doesn’t know why he got like that. It’s just that he likes me so much and girls in the past haven’t been very trustworthy. He’d really be devastated if I turned out to be like them. We talked until my battery got so low I had to hang up.

  Then I had to use the landline to call Nomi and tell her I can’t go bowling tomorrow night after all. Since Connor and I are back on track. She said she should’ve known it was like Santa Claus, too good to be true. I said that of course normally I would never break a date I’d made with my friends to go out with a boy, but it is Saturday. Nomi being Nomi, she wanted to know what the incommunicado phase was all about. She said, “Let me get this straight. He took you out with his friends and then he got mad because one of them talked to you?” I said he knows he was being a jerk and he apologized. I figure he has abandonment issues, you know, because he was sent away to live with his grandparents for a while when he was little. Nomi said it’s not like his mom ran off to Tasmania with a sea captain. She was sick. And he did go back home. And he was with his grandparents, not in an orphanage. She said he’s acting like a mini-monster and I’m defending him. I said besides that he’s been hurt in the past. Nomi said that if he was her boyfriend he’d be looking forward to being seriously injured in the future. I should’ve known she wouldn’t be swooning with sympathy. Her great-great-grandmother was a suffragette. There’s a framed newspaper clipping in the living room of when she was arrested.

  About an hour into my shift this morning Ely suddenly made this big deal of shaking my hand and practically bowing. Then he presented me with a bunch of scallions. “Hildegard D’Angelo, on behalf of every onion, sprig of parsley and jar of pickles assembled before you,” he boomed, “I want to officially welcome you back to the Eden Farm Vegetable Stand. We missed you.” I pointed out that I’d been there every day I was supposed to, just like always. Ely said, “In body only. Either you were looking at your phone or texting on your phone, and if for some reason you weren’t doing either of those things you were staring into space like you were waiting for the mother ship.” I said I was sorry, I’d been distracted. He said, “Distracted or disconnected?” And, in case this was something else I was unaware of, I was being about as pleasant as a splinter under a nail. I said I was sorry again. I had stuff on my mind. He said he liked it better when I was a carefree airhead. I whacked him with my scallions. “You forget who you’re dealing with,” said Ely. “I’m the Vegetable Avenger.” He picked up a carrot and started to fence me. We were jumping around the parking lot shouting “Touché!” and “En garde!” and laughing when out of the corner of my eye I saw this red car pull in. I thought it was Connor because his car’s red, and I totally froze. All I could think of was that he might get the wrong idea if he saw me fooling around with Ely. Since I wasn’t en garde any more, Ely whacked me so hard with the carrot that it broke. He wanted to know if he turned around was he really going to see the mother ship behind him. But it wasn’t the mother ship. Or Connor. It was Blue Eyeshadow Lady in her old Ford with the Practise Random Acts of Kindness bumper sticker.

  Mr Bowden let Connor take the sailboat out tonight for a moonlight ride on the lake (on condition that he didn’t capsize it). When we got far enough out, we sat leaning together with our arms around each other like we were one person. But with two heads and extra legs and arms. There were lights all around the lake and in the hills and woods, but if you looked up all you could see were the endless, silent stars. As if we were the only ones on the planet. As if we were drifting through space. (Which technically we are, but not so’s you’d notice.) Connor said it was even better out on the lake than on the deck. (It was way better than me on our deck construction site and him in the bathroom!) We started talking about some day doing a trip together. Maybe even next summer. We could drive over to California. It wouldn’t cost that much money if we camped and made our own meals and stuff. Connor said think how cool it would be, just the two of us wandering around seeing the country. Like that song. I didn’t know what song he meant but I said yes. The painted desert. Sunset over the Gulf of Mexico. The Mississippi. The giant redwoods. The Grand Canyon. Stuff like that. I said it would be better than cool. It’d be magical. It’d be like living a dream. Connor said, “And every night we could lie with our heads sticking out of the tent and count shooting stars. That would really be like we were the only people on the planet.” Later he told me more about his old girlfriends and how he always caught them trying to get off with someone else. It had really cut him up. No wonder he gets so paranoid. Connor figures most girls are flirts. I guess you can’t blame him, if that’s the only kind of girl he’s gone out with. I said I didn’t know any girls who are flirts. He said, “Don’t you?” He said it like I did. You know, like I’d said I don’t have any sisters. Don’t you? Then who are those two girls called D’Angelo who live in your house? But then a fish jumped nearby and we got distracted and then we started kissing, so I never found out what he meant.

  Called Nomi when I got home. They didn’t go bowling after all because word was out that Mr Kitosky was back so the lanes are a Louie-free zone again. Instead they all hung out at Cristina’s. Nomi said everything was normal – they were just sitting around talking and joking – till Mr Palacio decided to go for a moonlit swim, dove into the pool and lost his trunks. Nomi said you can imagine how out-of-control hilarious everyone thought that was. She said Jax was laughing so much he nearly fell in himself. After he said a few words that can’t be repeated, Mr Palacio shouted, “I’m warning you, Louis Masiado! If you so much as point a finger at your phone you’ll leave here in a box.” Then Mrs Palacio flapped out and herded them all into the kitchen till Mr Palacio was safely out of the water and clothed. But nobody wanted to go swimming after that. And who can blame them? Nomi says she kind of feels sorry for the Palacios. They aren’t exactly having the best summer. I said I bet they’re sorry they ever put in that pool.

  Told Nomi what Connor had said about all girls being flirts. She said, “Yeah, and we can’t read maps or parallel park either. It makes you wonder why God ever created something so useless and unreliable.” (The suffragette gene strikes again.) Then she wanted to know what’s wrong with Connor. I said there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s really sweet and smart and funny. It’s just that he’s had bad experiences with every girl he went out with before, that’s all. It’s going to take him a while being with me to realize that not all of us are the same. Nomi wanted to know if I could hear myself. Or had I also gone deaf? Every girl he’s gone out w
ith’s been a flirt? Does he advertise for them? Teenage boy only interested in girls who are interested in everybody else? Or maybe there’s some store where you can get them. Cheats R Us. Nomi said, “Remember the time that chihuahua bit me? I didn’t go around saying all dogs bite after that. I didn’t even say all chihuahuas bite.”

  My dad’s making progress on the deck. Gus says there’s a good chance it’ll be done in time for her wedding. I said I thought she never wanted to get married. She said by the time he’s finished she’ll probably have changed her mind.

  Connor and I were supposed to go to a barbecue at his friend’s tonight but I had such bad cramps that I couldn’t leave the house. All I wanted to do was lie on the couch and watch a movie. Mom and Gus both went out, and Louie came over to play chess with my dad, so it was me and Zelda on the couch. We watched one of those animations where famous stars do the voices. At least it took my mind off the pain for a while. Not because it was so good but because those kind of movies are so confusing. There you are, watching an aardvark or a toy soldier or whatever saving something (the planet, another toy…), but what you’re hearing is Angelina Jolie or Mel Gibson, so in your head that’s who you’re seeing, too. I always lose track of the story because I’m picturing Angelina Jolie digging a tunnel with a tiny teaspoon or Mel Gibson jumping off the dresser using a piece of tissue for a parachute. Anyway, me and Zel were watching that when all of a sudden the doorbell rings. My dad shouted from the kitchen, “If they’re selling something we don’t want it and if they’re collecting for something we already gave!” It was None of the Above. It was Connor. He’d brought me a bunch of flowers because I wasn’t feeling well and a box of doughnuts because he said there’s nothing that doughnuts can’t cure. (How cute is that?) We went into the kitchen to get a vase for the flowers and a plate for the doughnuts. I introduced Connor and Louie. It wasn’t exactly one of those made-in-heaven moments like when Watson met Holmes. Louie said, “Hey there. How’s it going?” Connor said, “Hi.” My dad wanted to know what kind of doughnuts he brought. I figured Connor would leave after the movie but he didn’t make a move. Zelda was too wired after the doughnuts to go to bed so we took her outside to look for shooting stars. Eventually that bored her into submission and I got her to go to her room with one of her talking books. The chess game was still going on in the kitchen so we went back outside. Connor thinks it’s weird that Louie comes over to play chess with my dad. I said it was my dad who taught Louie how to play. They’ve been doing it since Louie was six. Even though my dad stopped being able to beat him seven years ago. Connor said doesn’t Louie have friends his own age who play chess? I said sure, but they don’t live across the street. My mom came home. She came out to talk to us for a while. Then she went to bed. Gus came home. She waved at us through the window but she mimed being ready to crash and didn’t come out. I wasn’t in too much pain any more but I was so tired I could hardly keep my eyes open. Even with Connor’s arm around me. Which is really tired. Seriously, I could’ve fallen asleep on a bus full of squawking chickens that was freewheeling down a mountain. The only reason I’m still awake and writing this is because now I’m too tired to fall asleep. I didn’t feel like I could ask him to leave since he was sweet enough to come over but I kept yawning and saying things like, “Gee, I guess it’s getting pretty late,” only Connor never took the hint. Louie came out to say goodnight. He said, “Nice to meet you, Connor.” Connor said, “Yeah. Same here.” Then my dad came out. Just so you don’t think he’s been taking a crash course in diplomacy, my dad looked at Connor and said, “So are you two waiting for the dawn, or what?” Connor said he guessed he’d better go.