Our Little Secret (Finding Forever Book 1)

by Rebecca Raine

Chapter 25

  The sky was bleak, heavy with grey clouds that were sure to release a deluge before the day ended. Even so, Lygon Street was full of Melbournites eager to enjoy the multitude of cafes and restaurants that stretched along much of the street. Julia sat at a table on the wide footpath outside a crowded Italian cafe as she waited for Derek to arrive. She emptied a sachet of raw sugar into her cappuccino. The granules sat on the surface of the milky foam for a few delightful moments, before they slowly began to sink, dissolving into the hot coffee. Kind of like the demise of her new relationship, but sweeter.

  “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”

  She looked up to see Derek standing beside the table. He looked like hell. Darkness under his eyes betrayed his lack of sleep and his normally cheery disposition had been replaced with fatigue and heartache. She rose from her chair and he immediately wrapped her up in his arms. She hugged him back, enjoying the feel of his touch, the smell of his cologne and the more subtle underlying scent that was all Derek. He buried his face in the curve of her neck and she felt him breathing her own scent deep into his lungs, felt the press of his lips against her skin.

  When they finally parted, she urged him to sit in the chair opposite her at the small table.

  “How have you been?” It was a lame question, but she had to start somewhere.

  “As well as can be expected, I suppose,” he said with a shrug. Then he ran his hands over his face and gave a self-deprecating laugh. “Which is pretty fucking awful.”

  It had been a week since Derek had walked out on her and Scott. In that time he’d refused to answer their phone calls and texts. He’d only sent one message, saying he needed some space to think and he was staying with his sister, Trina. They knew he was still working because he had CC’ed Scott into a number of emails for clients, but he hadn’t turned up at the office. Derek hardly ever missed work so, when the employees began asking questions, Scott had told them Derek was sick with the flu so they wouldn’t worry.

  Come Saturday night, Julia had lost her patience and left Derek a message demanding he call her or she’d show up at his sister’s door and tear strips off his sorry hide until he agreed to talk to her. Five minutes later, he’d sent her a text inviting her to lunch. So, here they sat, staring at each other across a short space that felt wider than the Yarra River.

  “What about you?” he asked, turning the question back on her. “How are you going?”

  “I’m worried about you and Scott.” She gulped, barely able to swallow past the giant lump in her throat. “I’m so sorry, Derek. The way I acted at breakfast that morning... I could have handled the situation better.”

  He reached out to take her hands with his own and stroked his thumbs back and forth across her knuckles. “It’s all right, Julia. You didn’t do anything wrong. I shouldn’t have lost my temper with you. We hadn’t talked about the future. Not really. Granted, I was angling to extract a lifelong commitment from you as soon as possible,” he added with a grin, dropping a quick kiss on her hand. “But you weren’t ready and you may never be. I shouldn’t have expected you to make a life-changing decision just because someone knocked on your door unexpectedly. I’m sorry for what I said to you.”

  She smiled, relieved he wasn’t still upset with her. “How about we agree to let that part of it go, at least for now. I think we both realise there are bigger problems to deal with.”

  “Yeah.” He nodded, gaze dropping to their clasped hands. She could hear the rough ache in his voice when he spoke. “Is he okay?”

  “No.” She saw no point in blunting the truth. If there was one element Derek and Scott needed more of in their relationship, it was honesty. “He doesn’t say much and he’s putting on a brave face, but he can’t hide from me. I know him too well now.” She’d been staying with Scott in the apartment since Derek left, providing what comfort she could. They’d only made love once, in the deepest part of night, and he’d held onto her as if she was his lifeline. She’d known then, she alone couldn’t give him everything he needed. Scott needed Derek. And so did she.

  She knew she couldn’t make things right between them, but she felt their pain deep in her heart and that ache wouldn’t go away as long as the two men she loved so dearly were apart. She couldn’t help but wonder if they would still be in this mess if they hadn’t become involved with her. She’d never wanted to come between them and yet, despite the fact they’d been dealing with these issues for years, it was her behaviour that had brought the situation to a head. She couldn’t help but feel partially responsible.

  Derek swore under his breath, pulling one hand free to rub at his eyes. “I’m sorry I dragged you into all our crap. It wasn’t my intention.”

  “Are you kidding me?” She’d been on a roller coaster of emotions this past week, but never once had she wished herself out of the situation. “I care about both of you. Where else am I going to be?

  “Oh, I don’t know.” He sighed, not meeting her eyes. “Maybe, if we hadn’t started this, you’d be sitting at this table with just one man to care about. The two of you would only have eyes for each other. Life would be simpler that way and I know it’s what you’d prefer.”

  Hearing her own past beliefs echoed back at her, she shook her head. “I used to think so. Now, I’m not so sure.”

  Taking a deep breath, she spat out the one question she needed an answer to, though she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear it. “Are you and Scott breaking up?”

  His gaze lifted back to her and she could see the pain in his eyes, hear it in his voice. “I have no idea.”

  Her gut clenched. “Is that what you want?”

  “Of course not.” He shook his head, one hand pushing back the curls that fell over his forehead. “That man is as much a part of me as my own lungs. Without him,” he paused for a moment, as if struggling for the right words, “I can barely breathe.”

  She nodded, knowing exactly how he felt.

  “But at the same time, I know I can’t go back to the way things were,” he continued. “I’m too damned tired to put up with the same old shit. Something has to change, but I can’t be the one to make that happen. It has to be his choice.”

  She reached out to cup his cheek in her palm. “I want you to know how much I love you.”

  He took her face in his hands and pressed a sweet, lingering kiss against her lips. His touch made her heart melt and everything inside her glow with a bone-deep contentedness.

  After their lips parted he touched his forehead to hers. “I love you, too.”

  “What a beautiful, young couple.”

  They parted, looking up into the smiling face of the elderly man who stood beside their table with menus in his hands. He placed a menu on the table in front of each of them, his eyes dancing with delight. “It is lovely to see two people so young and in love,” he continued, his voice thick with an Italian accent. “Order at the counter when you’re ready, my lovebirds.”

  Julia felt herself blush as she thanked the man. Her eyes stayed on him as he made his way back to the front counter, his words repeating in her head.

  She and Derek were a young couple in love, it was true. And there was a time, not so long ago, when this was exactly what she’d wanted. The thought of her and Derek as a couple—having lunches together, enjoying each other’s company, having insanely hot sex—would have filled her with a profound sense of happiness. There was still the possibility of that future coming to pass. For a moment she pondered the possibility that Scott and Derek would fail to work out their differences. They could break up for good. She would still be there and perhaps, just perhaps, Derek would continue to love her. Only her. She knew it would be hard for him to get over losing Scott, but broken hearts did heal, especially when the person already had another loving partner to help them through the separation. What would that future be like? Just her and Derek. It would make everything in her life so much easier, just as Derek had said. Was it something she still wanted?

 
The heaviness in her heart gave her the answer. As much as she loved Derek, she now loved Scott also. The thought of not seeing the smile she’d come to cherish every day, of him not being there when they woke in the morning, it was more than she could bear.

  A sense of calm came over her as she finally, openly, accepted the truth. There were three parts to her whole and there always would be. Without Scott, neither she nor Derek would ever be complete.

  Chapter 26

  Scott’s world had stopped spinning on its axis the moment Derek walked out the door. He’d been left reeling and had yet to find his feet.

  For all these years he’d believed they were happy. His relationship with Derek had been the foundation on which he’d built the rest of his life. It had felt secure, unshakable. To find he’d been so wrong had been a kick to the gut. Worse than being thrown out by his parents. Worse than losing the love and respect of his brother.

  He sat alone on the balcony as the sun sank low into the western sky. A glass of scotch dangled, forgotten, from the fingers of one hand.

  Julia had left to meet Derek for lunch hours ago. She’d kissed him sweetly before she left, promising to call him as soon as she could. He hadn’t heard from her yet.

  She’d been beside herself with guilt the morning Derek had left. She’d blamed herself for what happened and had tried to apologise, but he’d had none of it.

  “This isn’t on you,” he’d told her as they clung to each other. “This was just the final straw, I guess. And you don’t have to explain your actions to me. I understand them all too well.”

  And he did understand. She’d been protecting herself and her family from a choice she wasn’t ready to make. Just as he’d been protecting Derek. Or at least that was the excuse he’d used over the years. But excuses weren’t going to cut it anymore.

  If he wanted to make things right with Derek, he would have to come clean with himself.

  Derek was no lightweight who needed to be shielded from the realities of the world. He was a strong, confident man. Stronger than Scott had ever given him credit for. Of the three of them, Derek was the one who would be most capable of shrugging off the judgements of others with a smile. He was the one most comfortable in his own skin.

  The only person Scott had been protecting all these years was himself.

  At first he’d wanted to keep their relationship a secret from the people they worked with because he didn’t want to go through all the bullshit that came with being openly gay. The beatings, the name calling, all of it. Then later, even after they’d started their own company, he was used to people not knowing. By then, telling everyone would have been a shock and he didn’t want to deal with the drama of it. He’d thought he had too much to lose.

  A harsh laugh burst out of him, the sound so hollow he thought he’d choke on it. The only thing he was going to lose was Derek. Nothing else mattered.

  Dropping his glass onto the table beside him, he pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. He’d had no idea he was hurting Derek so badly. He’d been blind to the damage he was doing—and so damned selfish. Now Derek thought Scott was ashamed of him. Nothing could be further from the truth.

  The front door opened and he sprang to his feet. Three long strides brought him into the living area where he saw Julia pulling her key from the door as she entered the apartment. Derek was right behind her.

  Scott’s heart stopped beating, then slammed against his chest. They were both standing there staring at him and he knew he should say something, or do something, but he couldn’t seem to make his muscles move. More than anything he wanted to reach out to Derek, strangle the man in a bear hug and attack his mouth with all the longing he felt flooding his body. But he knew he couldn’t do that and so he stood there, frozen like a freaking dumb arse.

  “Hey.” Julia moved toward him, slid her arms around his waist and lifted onto her tiptoes to place a kiss on his cheek. Turning away, she gave Derek a gentle smile. “Thanks for bringing me home.”

  “No problem.” Derek gave her a nod, his lips pressed into a thin line.

  Julia looked back and forth between the two of them before she started backing toward the bedroom. “I’m just going to get changed.” She gestured over her shoulder before she all but bolted from the room.

  Scott couldn’t help the quirk that lifted the corners of his mouth as he heard the bedroom door close. If she thought she was being subtle about leaving them alone she’d failed miserably.

  The moment she was gone Scott’s gaze was drawn back to Derek. He looked uncomfortable, his gaze darting about the room. Looking everywhere but at Scott. The knowledge he wasn’t the only one at a loss for what to do next broke Scott out of his stupor.

  He paced toward Derek with measured steps, conscious that if he gained too much momentum he might not be able to resist pushing the other man up against the nearby wall. He didn’t stop advancing until they stood toe-to-toe. Derek would never take the step backward needed to put distance between them. It would be admitting his discomfort and the man had his pride. Scott wasn’t above using that pride to his advantage, though he wouldn’t touch Derek unless he was invited. He no longer had that right.

  Derek’s gaze was fixed somewhere over Scott’s right shoulder. He cleared his throat before he spoke. “I came in to tell you I’ll be back in the office tomorrow. Whatever is going on between us, I don’t want the business to suffer.” Scott watched Derek’s throat working as he swallowed, saw his nostrils flare slightly. His breath came in short, sharp bursts. He was nervous, and aroused. And he was still hurting.

  “I’m sorry, Derek. I never meant to hurt you.” Derek’s gaze finally snapped to his, but otherwise he didn’t move. “I had no idea—”

  “You had no idea because I hid it from you,” Derek interrupted. He gave a heavy sigh and Scott shuddered in pleasure as he felt the warmth of Derek’s breath on his face. “You’re not the only one at fault here, Scott. I didn’t tell you how I felt because I didn’t want to upset you. I sure as hell didn’t want to force you into some kind of ultimatum.” He let out an exasperated groan. “Which is exactly what it feels like I’m doing now and I hate it.”

  Scott shook his head. “No. It’s no crime to want to tell the world who you are. You shouldn’t have to hide for me. I’ve compromised my integrity and I’ve forced you to do the same.” It took saying the words for him to realise how true they were. What kind of a man was he, to do this to someone he loved? “I don’t know how to even begin making this up to you.”

  “It’s not about making anything up to me.” Derek sounded tired, defeated. “This is about us being honest with each other. No more secrets.”

  Scott nodded. “Well then, in the interests of honesty I should probably tell you... ” He paused, locking his gaze with Derek’s once more before he continued. “I miss you like crazy. I hate being apart from you. And if you walk out that door without touching me, I’m not sure I won’t break.”

  Derek gasped at his words, hands rising to clasp Scott’s face. Scott laid his own hands over Derek’s, gripping on for dear life. A sound halfway between relief and a sob escaped from his mouth as Derek’s lips found his.

  The line was crossed and Scott could hold himself back no longer. He grabbed onto Derek’s shirt and shoved him bodily against the wall. Their bodies slammed together, hands desperate to touch everywhere at once. Their mouths fused as Scott lost himself in the familiarity of Derek’s taste.

  “You are mine,” he said in a hoarse whisper, “and I am not letting you go without a fight.” Scott dropped to his knees, his hands sliding off Derek’s shoulders and down over the curves of his muscular torso. He made quick work of Derek’s belt buckle and released the length of his erection from his pants in a flash.

  His mouth watered as he slid his mouth down the length of Derek’s cock, sucking hard on the steely flesh. Derek’s hand appeared in his hair and he moaned as his lover urged him on. His hands gripped Derek’s hips and his fingers dug i
n. Finally, he had the man he loved back where he wanted him.

  Derek’s hips began to buck against his mouth and he relaxed his throat in order to take his lover deeper. He gave a long, low moan and the vibrations caused Derek to shout his own pleasure. Derek’s legs trembled and Scott felt his balls tighten with his impending orgasm.

  Scott slid one hand up under Derek’s shirt and placed it over his chest. He could feel Derek’s heart thundering, knew it matched the wildness of his own.

  Derek came hard and Scott swallowed everything he had to give. When he was done, he leaned his forehead against Derek’s stomach and wrapped his arms around his waist. He held on tight, but couldn’t shake the feeling he was losing him anyway.

  Before long Derek’s breathing returned to normal and he pulled away so he could refasten his clothes.

  Scott knew he should stand up, but he didn’t know what he would see when he looked into Derek’s eyes and if it was regret... well, he’d rather not know.

  A hand appeared in front of his face and he took it, letting Derek help him to his feet. Derek pulled him into a tight hug, his voice harsh in his ear. “I love you, man. But I can’t hide anymore. I won’t.”

  Pulling away, he gripped the front of Scott’s shirt in his fists, glaring at him with wide eyes. “You say you’ll fight for me. So fight.” Then he was gone.

  The door slammed behind him as he left.

  Scott stood alone in the room, Derek’s final words turning over and over in his mind. He realised he was nodding. Derek was right. It was time he stopped letting the demons of his past control his future. He was the only one that could fix this and now was the time to make his move. What was he willing to do to be with Derek?

  Anything.

  “Julia.” He’d barely called her name before she was there beside him. She’d probably listened to everything that had happened since she left the room. He could hardly blame her.

  “I need your help,” he said, clasping onto her hands. “There’s something I have to do.”