PARSONS Quite early, sir. Madam went out riding with Miss BARBARA.
ROLLY Riding?
PARSONS Yes, riding … Mrs. Kingsbury wasn’t feeling very well. She seems rather worried.
ROLLY Worried, why she has nothing to worry about. Her time’s her own. Silly! I’ll be in my room. If anyone calls, let me know. (Exits.)
PARSONS Very well, sir. (Bell rings furiously—PARSONS rushes to door.)Good gracious! (Opens door.)
Billy (Rushing In, Out of Breath) Where’s Black Boy?
PARSONS Here, here, young man! What do you mean by ringing the bell that way.
Billy You ain’t heard nothin’ yet. Wait until I put a pin in it.
PARSONS A pin?
ROLLY Who was that, PARSONS?
PARSONS Master Billy Mack, the boy across the street sir. He wants his dog sir.
ROLLY All right, he can take him. (BILLY rushes out for dog. PARSONS stops him.)
PARSONS Come here, I’ll get him for you.
Billy I know where he is.
PARSONS You can’t be running him through the house like you did the last time.
Billy Oh, don’t be an old crab. (PARSONS looks at him in surprise. BILLY smiles a little guiltily.) I won’t run him through the house, PARSONS.
PARSONS All right, come on, take him out the rear of the house. (Door bell rings. BILLY exits, running through library door. PARSONS answers door. Enter CLEM, ROSCO and DUCHESS.)
PARSONS Right this way, gentlemen, be seated, I’ll tell Mr. Kingsbury you are here, sirs. (Exits.)
CLEM Riding around all day in that goddamn car—I’m so stiff. I’ll have to try a couple of splits and back bends to straighten myself out. (ROSCO and the DUCHESS have seated themselves in rather artistic poses. The DUCHESS takes out powder puff.)
ROSCO Say, CLEM, did the DUCHESS ever meet Roland?
CLEM No, but if she takes out that goddamn powder puff again—she won’t be here to meet him.
DUCHESS Oh, shut up.
CLEM You’ve had that thing out forty times in the last twenty min utes. You took it out in front of that cop, too. What the hell do you think—that I want to be locked up with you?
DUCHESS Oh, wasn’t he grand!
CLEM You wouldn’t think he was so grand if he sat your fanny in jail.
DUCHESS Say—the cops, they like me. They all know me from Central Park.
WINNIE Ha! ha!
ROLLY What about you, DUCHESS?
DUCHESS Oh, my goodness. I’ve got the most gorgeous new drag. Black satin, very tight, with a long train of rhinestones.
CLEM Wait until you see the creation I’m wearing, dearie. Virginal white, no back, with oceans of this and oceans of that, trimmed with excitement in front. You know I’m more of the flapper type, not so much like a canal boat.
DUCHESS Creation—ha! That old thing. I knew that three years ago. Oh, Annie.
CLEM (Very Angry) For Chris’ sake sit. This big bitch thinks nobody has anything or looks like anything but her.
DUCHESS Oh, shut up.
ROLLY Say, how about a little drink? (Rings bell.)
CLEM Yes! How about a little drink?
DUCHESS I don’t mind a little drink once in a while.
CLEM Why you big Swede. You’d take it through a funnel if anybody would give it to you.
WINNIE Funnel? That’s nothing. I’d take it through a hose. Whoops. (Enter PARSONS.)
ROLLY What will it be, Scotch or Rye?
ROSCO Rye. (WINNIE ad libs. CLEM chooses Scotch to be different.)
PARSONS Yes, sir.
ROLLY (Entering) Scotch and Rye.
PARSONS Yes, sir.
DUCHESS Say, I was at a party the other night—when was that—last week, one day.
ROSCO Oh. I heard about that, over at Peter Pan’s.
CLEM (Tells All About Party) It was a great party but the place was raided and when they backed up the wagon, they got all but one and she jumped out the window. That must have been you.
PARSONS (Enters and serves drinks.)
DUCHESS (Goes To Piano) Do you mind?
ROLLY Go right ahead.
DUCHESS What will I play?
ROSCO Play “Humoresque.”
DUCHESS don’t like that.
CLEM Play “The Woman Who Stole My Gal.”
DUCHESS I don’t know that.
CLEM (Repeats The Line ‘Don’T Know That. I Don’T Like That’) That’s what I can’t understand. Somebody sits down at the piano. They’ll ask you what to play. You tell them, then they play something entirely different. What did you want to ask for?
DUCHESS Oh, shut up! That one’s always giving advice or trying to tell you what to do. Give your mouth a holiday. (Then he starts to play. WINNIE “whoops.” CLEM and ROSCO add comedy to the tune the DUCHESS plays.)
WINNIE Beautiful voice! Wonderful voice! Gorgeous voice!
ROLLY Wonderful! Beautiful touch!
CLEM You should feel my beautiful touch, dearie. (Laughs.)
BILLY (Rushes in with dog. All pet the dog.)
PARSONS (Enters) Is that your taxi outside by the water plug? If he don’t move, the cop will give him a ticket.
All All right, Billy, I’ll take care of him.
CLEM (Rises) Oh heavens, he ought to know enough to keep away from a fire plug. I’ll have to get him a book of regulations.
DUCHESS Maybe he’s in love and can’t think.
CLEM Then you must have been in love all your life.
WINNIE Whoops.
ROLLY What, did you come in a taxi?
CLEM Oh, ROLLY, I forgot to tell you about that handsome brute of a taxi driver. Don’t get suggestive. We rode in a taxi. (DUCHESS, ROLLY and ROSCO laugh. CLEM repeats): I forgot to tell you, dearie, about this handsome brute of a taxi-driver. Let me tell you. Yesterday, you know Dave, that sentimental moll, the one who used to be crazy about you. Well, she calls me up and asked me to come right over, she’s hysterical. Well, I goes over and there was the poor queen ready to jump out of the window. Of course, I knew what was the matter. She needed a jab. She’s been taking heroin and morphine by the barrels. The trouble with her is she’s sensitive of what she is. Now, I don’t give a goddamn who knows it. Of course, I don’t go flouncing my hips up and down Broadway picking up trade or with a sign on my back advertising it. (Laughs.) But of course. I don’t pass anything up either, dearie. I’m out to have a good time as well as the next.
WINNIE You’d be a fool if you did.
ROSCO What about Dave, what happened to her?
CLEM Well, I took her to the doctor’s. Some doctor on Park Avenue she wanted to go to. I took a taxi and took her over and left her there. I must call her up today and see how she is. So that’s how I met the taxi driver and he’s been riding me ever since. (ROLLY has a peculiar expression on his face during CLEM’s story.)
CLEM Dish the dirt, because you won’t be able to dump that bird so easy. (Bell rings. PARSONS crosses stage.)
ROLLY (Looks At Wristwatch) If it’s Mr. GRAYSON, have him come in. (To the others.) Now, be a little careful, no wise cracks.
CLEM Well dearie, perhaps we’d better be going and leave you alone. I understand how it is. Come on, molls, I suppose my boyfriend’s get ting nervous waiting out there anyway. (They take their hats and coats.)
ROLLY No hurry. That’s that young engineer who is putting up the new structure for the Kingsbury iron works.
CLEM Now, I must meet him.
PARSONS Mr. GRAYSON.
ROLLY All right. Show him in, PARSONS.
DUCHESS (Takes Out Powder Puff) I just love engineers. (CLEM takes powder puff and throws it in a vase.)
GRAYSON (Enters.)
ROLLY How do you do?
GRAYSON How do you do? I beg your pardon, I didn’t know you had company.
ROLLY I want you to meet Mr. Hathaway, Mr. WINNIE Lewis, Mr. Gillingwater and Mr. Swanson. (They acknowledge introduction, shaking hands.) The boys just dropped in on their way to town.
GRAYSON I hope I’m not rushing you gentlemen away.
ROSCO Not at all, we were just about leaving.
WINNIE Sorry we can’t stay longer. We heard so much about you.
DUCHESS Yes, it’s too bad.
ROLLY I’ve just been telling the boys about the plans for the iron works, which we were to go over.
CLEM Yes, I’d love to stay and see your wonderful construction. But we have other plans.
ROLLY (A Bit Uneasy) Sorry you have to go, boys.
CLEM Don’t give us the rush act, dearie. (All shake hands and say goodbye.)
WINNIE So glad to have you meet me. Come up some time and I’ll bake you a pan of biscuits.
DUCHESS Goodbye.
CLEM Makes you think of President Coolidge, shaking so many hands. (As they exit. DUCHESS looks around.)
ROLLY (To DUCHESS) Did you lose something?
CLEM She lost it years ago.
DUCHESS Oh, shut up. I’m looking for my gloves. (Finds powder puff in vase and puts it in pocket.)
ROLLY Did you find them?
DUCHESS Yes, I got it. (Exits and looks at GRAYSON.)
GRAYSON (Takes The Blueprints From His Pocket) I’ve completed that corner.
ROLLY Cigarette, Allen?
GRAYSON (Takes cigarette—doesn’t pay any attention—keeps looking at blueprint.)
ROLLY (Watching GRAYSON intently.) Light? (Lights his own and GRAYSON’s cigarettes.)
GRAYSON (Feels uncomfortable. Sits left of table, but interests self in blueprint.)
ROLLY (Crosses To Divan And Sits) Well, what did you think of my friends?
GRAYSON I didn’t see very much of them. I felt I was rushing them out.
ROLLY Great boys, great boys, I am going on a weekend party and I’d love to have you join us. You’ll find the boys rather interesting, I think.
GRAYSON You think so?
ROLLY You’ve never met that particular type before?
GRAYSON I can’t say that I have.
ROLLY Perhaps you have and you didn’t know it.
GRAYSON (Looks up.)
ROLLY Why do you suppose I’ve had you come here so often? Haven’t you noticed the friendship I’ve had for you since the day you stepped into the office? All I could do was eat, drink, sleep, think of Allen GRAYSON.
GRAYSON Why, ROLLY, I’d hate to have you think of me in just that way. (Rises.) I’ve always looked at you as a he-man. God, this is—(Crosses over to left of center, faces left.)
ROLLY I (Rises. Crosses toward him and over to table. Hums song.) I thought you had some idea of how I felt toward you—my great interest in you.
GRAYSON Yes, I did think it extraordinary. (Crosses center, turns and looks at him.) But what about your wife?
ROLLY You mean why I married?
GRAYSON Yes.
ROLLY That is very easy to explain. CLAIR’s dad and mine were very good friends, it was their one ambition that we should marry. It was practically arranged ever since we were children together and CLAIR is the same today as the day I married her, if you know what I mean.
GRAYSON Why, I think that’s the most contemptible thing you could do—marry a woman and use her as a cloak to cover up what you are.
ROLLY I don’t see why you should feel this way about it. She’s perfectly contented.
GRAYSON You don’t mean to tell me she knows what you are.
ROLLY No. CLAIR is just the type of woman that wouldn’t understand if she did know.
GRAYSON How could you play on a woman’s innocence like that?
ROLLY Just why should you take such an interest in my wife? (Takes step to center.)
GRAYSON I just can’t stand to see a sweet innocent girl like CLAIR treated that way.
ROLLY Oh, I see. (Takes step toward him.) I think I understand where your interest lies. After I’ve given you the hospitality of my home, trusted you with my wife.
GRAYSON Yes, I am interested in your wife. As for your hospitality, your plans and the great Kingsbury works, they can go to hell. I think you’re a rotter. God! (He throws the plans on the table—starts to go.)
ROLLY (Tries To Stop Him) Just a minute, Allen.
GRAYSON Please …
ROLLY Now you can’t go like this. You’re taking the wrong attitude. Now, let’s forget all about it.
GRAYSON Forget about it. (CLAIR enters left.)
CLAIR Oh, ROLLY—Hello Allen. (Crosses to ROLLY. He kisses her.)
GRAYSON Hello, CLAIR. (Enter MARION and BARBARA.)
Marion How do you do Mr. GRAYSON?
BARBARA How do you do, Mr. GRAYSON?
ROLLY Hello Marion—Aunt BARBARA. Marion, you’re quite a stranger, where have you been hiding?
Marion Not hiding, ROLLY, just busy. My husband likes to have me around.
CLAIR It was just by chance we met. Aunt BARBARA and I met her downtown and took her riding with us.
BARBARA I suppose you’re very busy. (Crosses to GRAYSON.)
GRAYSON Yes, rather.
Marion How are the new buildings coming along?
GRAYSON Progressing very rapidly.
ROLLY Wonderful work. Come here Marion. Just look at this, here are the plans.
Marion (Crosses To Table) What’s this?
ROLLY What’s this, Allen?
GRAYSON That’s the outside.
ROLLY Yes, this is the outside of the housing of the new blast furnace and these are the ground plans of the steel rolling floors.
Marion It looks like a cross word puzzle to me.
ROLLY Yes, it would. I think I shall start to dress.
BARBARA Are you going to take CLAIR to the opera, ROLLY?
ROLLY Why, no, Mr. GRAYSON is going to accompany her.
BARBARA Oh—I see, where are you going tonight, if I’m not too inquisitive.
ROLLY I have an important engagement in town which I have to keep.
BARBARA We’ll wait and ride together.
ROLLY Very well. (Exits upstairs.)
BARBARA CLAIR, doesn’t ROLLY care for the opera? (Sits on chair left of center.)
CLAIR He’s a great lover of music but his time is so occupied with business, he’s scarcely has time to go anywhere. If it weren’t for Mr. GRAYSON, I should see nothing but the four walls.
BARBARA (Meaningfully) Hm, hm. (GRAYSON smiles.)
Marion My dear, you’re quite fortunate to have an escort so charming.
BARBARA And a husband so generous.
Marion What could be sweeter?
CLAIR Marion will have her little joke, but tell me, are all husbands so very busy?
Marion My dear, I don’t know about all husbands. I only have one and one is enough. He just runs me ragged.
BARBARA (Crosses Over Back Of Table To Right Rear Corner) Come, Mr. GRAYSON, I think we’d better go inside. There is something I want to ask you.
CLAIR Aunt BARBARA is always asking questions.
BARBARA (At Door Rear) Yes, my dear, I have a curiosity complex. (Exits. GRAYSON starts to exit.)
CLAIR (Looking At Wrist Watch—To GRAYSON) You talk with Aunt BARBARA and I shall dress. (GRAYSON exits left.)
Marion What are you going to wear?
CLAIR I have that pretty black chiffon and I have a new white gown you haven’t seen.
Marion Wear the white one. It reminds me of purity, so becoming to one when one’s not out with one’s husband.
CLAIR Marion, you’re so clever, but just what do you mean by that?
Marion Nothing, dear.
CLAIR Oh, yes you do. I wish I could make people understand how miserable and unhappy I am.
Marion (Crosses Over To Her) CLAIR, dear, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude but you can’t expect to be seen in a man’s company constantly without causing comment. Why, dear, it’s common gossip.
CLAIR Common gossip?
Marion Why, don’t take it so seriously, of course. I always thought ROLLY would be cold and indifferent. I can always tell that by looking at a man. (Crosse
s to chair left of table and sits.)
CLAIR That’s why you’ve been so successful in your marriage. You’ve had more experience than I.
Marion CLAIR, it’s time you should learn.
CLAIR Oh, Marion, if I only dared to take you into my confidences. (Crosses to sofa.)
Marion I may like to talk, but I don’t tell everything I know.
CLAIR I don’t think ROLLY loves me.
Marion Not married a year and doesn’t love you any more?
CLAIR (Sits on sofa right.) I don’t believe he ever did.
Marion Why CLAIR. Oh, tell me, when he kisses you, does he give you one of those long warm kisses, like he did when you were first married?
CLAIR He never gave me a long warm kiss.
Marion He never gave you any?
CLAIR Just little short ones, most of the time on the cheek. (Points to face.)
Marion (Rises And Takes Center) Then he’s a new kind of man to me. (Turns to her.) Do you suspect some other woman?
CLAIR I don’t know.
Marion (Crosses To Front Of Chair) I’ll tell you what to do. When you’re ready to retire, put on your smartest negligee. Be sure it’s sheer, one you can see through.
CLAIR I haven’t any like that.
Marion You should have. If you haven’t, get one, get one. Put it on and drape it tight around you and sit on the end of his bed (Sits on chair.) and cross your legs so, and of course, show as much as you can. Be sure you have a cigarette in your hand. It gives one poise. Then tell the boy a couple of bedstead stories.
CLAIR I don’t smoke and I don’t know any stories and I never go to his room.
Marion Well, when he comes to yours.
CLAIR He never comes to my room. (Rises.)
Marion What kind of a wife are you?
CLAIR A wife and not a wife.
Marion Why, CLAIR—(ROLLYenters.)
ROLLY Are we ready, Marion?
Marion I am.
CLAIR (Crosses To Center Behind Marion’S Chair) It’s getting rather late, I think I’ll go up and dress.
Marion When shall I see you, CLAIR?
CLAIR I’m spending the weekend at father’s. I shall see you in town tomorrow afternoon. goodbye dear. (MARION crosses to her and kisses her. To ROLLY.) Tell Aunt BARBARA to see me before she goes. (Kisses ROLLY as she exits upstairs—MARION crosses to rear.)
ROLLY (To CLAIR As She Goes Upstairs) I don’t know what time I’ll be home dear. I’ll meet you at your dad’s. (She exits. He crosses down to table left.)
Three Plays by Mae West Page 12
