Three Plays by Mae West

by Schlissel, Lillian

  DOCTOR Inspector, could we be alone for a few moments?

  Inspector Of course. (To DETECTIVE): Take your man in the other room.

  (DETECTIVE takes DAVID out left and the INSPECTOR follows them out.)

  DOCTOR (After A Pause) Bob, take it easy. I know it’s hard. But you must listen—We were boys together. The Kingsbury name has been a great name for generations, without a spot or blemish. The Richmond name, the same. We must fight to keep them so. I don’t know how to tell you, how to tell you. (The JUDGE looks up at him.)

  DOCTOR Bob, we don’t know what we bring into this world. We are blind, deaf and dumb. We can see no faults, no sins, no wrongs in our own, those dear to us. But now we must meet facts face to face. When it’s another man’s son, you condemn him, it’s true, it’s true. You’ve sent many up the river, and you know it, Bob, but when it hits home it’s a different story. In this civilized world, we are not civilized enough to know why or for what purpose these poor degenerates are brought into the world. Little did we know that a fine, strong boy, like ROLLY, was one of them.

  JUDGE (Looking Up Slowly, Says In A Broken Voice) Jim, call the Inspector.

  Inspector (Comes To Door) Yes, sir.

  JUDGE Report this—a case of—of suicide …

  Inspector Yes—your honor.

  CURTAIN

  * Karl Ilcinrich Ulrichs, a German writer of the 1860s, who used the word “invert” to describe homosexuals as possessing “a woman’s spirit in a man’s body.”

  * Slang for heterosexual men who sometimes engage in gay sex.

  * An insider’s joke for audiences who remembered Helen Menken’s starring role in The Captive, a play about love between lesbians.

  THE PLEASURE MAN

  A COMEDY DRAMA (1928)

  THE CAST

  Set in a small Midwest town, The Pleasure Man takes place in a theatre and in the home of a wealthy retired performer.

  Act One. A theatre.

  ACT TWO. SCENEONE. Two-tier dressing rooms and a corridor to the stage.SCENE TWO. The same.

  ACT THREE. SCENEONE. The drawing room of Toto’s apartment.SCENE TWO. The same, two hours later.

  ACT ONE

  (A Theatre. Enter four scrubwomen, LIZZIE, MAGGIE, TILLIE, BRIDGET, with their mops and pails. Three from one side, BRIDGET from the other. BRIDGET calls to the others.)

  Bridget Ah, there ye are, me darlins—Did this actors what wuz here last week leave anythin’ in their rooms?

  Maggie Picture any o’ that tribe leavin’ anythin’ behind ‘em but unpaid bills!

  Tillie Yis, an’ dirty underwear.

  Lizzie I found somethin’—a piece o’ fish left over from the seal act. (Seeing BRIDGET hold up a piece of cloth.) What’ve yer got there, in Heaven’s name? (All gather around.)

  Bridget Ah, that takes yer eye, does it? Well, it’s a bit o’ ruffle offer one o’ thim bally dresses. An’ I found a rusty nickel in the room that Scotch comedian wuz in.

  Maggie May the Saints preserve us!

  Lizzie Yer better turn it in to the manager, dearie. The bonnie lad’ll likely be askin’ fer it the nex’ time he plays here.

  Tillie Sure, he’d say it was a dollar.

  Bridget No ma’am, I’m keepin’ it fer a heirloom to show me great grand-chillern just how careless those Scotchmen is with their money.

  Maggie I wonder what kind o’ acts is comin’ in this week? I hopes there ain’t no animal acts. They mess up the place somethin’ terrible.

  Tillie (At Table, Dusting) Yeah, what with this and that, all over the place.

  Lizzie I hopes there’s acrobats. They’re so strong an’ clean. It’s a pleasure to look at their muscles.

  (TILLIE rises, puts chair back.)

  Brldget Oh, ho, me darlin’! So you’ve been havin’ a look too!

  Lizzie There ain’t no harm in lookin’.

  Bridget No, but I’ve knowed o’ some lookin’ that’s led to doin’.

  Lizzie That was a handsome lad what played in that sketch last week. He reminded me o’ me poor dead Mike, Lord ha’ mercy on ‘im.

  Maggie Yus, that wuz becaue ‘e waz layin’ down most o’ the time.

  Lizzie Ah, gwan wid ya. Your Jerry ain’t so crazy about work.

  Maggie Maybe so. But he’s thoughtful an’ kind an’ alius sees I got a good job.

  Tillie Now ain’t that sweet!

  Bridget Will you two prima donnas stop bein’ so temper’mintal?

  Lizzie (Comes Downstairs) You’re no one to be preachin’, Bridget O’Shea. I see you watchin’ that good lookin’ pianer player. An’ what I seen in your eyes—meant no good.

  Bridget (Rises) Let me tell you, Lizzie McSwiggin, When I get so old I can’t appreciate a good lookin’ man, may the Lord forgive me, then I’ll make a box fer meself. (Drinks.)

  Maggie (Laughing) Ye ould Divil! Talkin’ as if ye wuz sixteen.

  Bridget Well, I’ll admit I’m older nor sixteen, but I got “it.”

  Tillie Yeah—more than once.

  Lizzie An’ you just after layin’ away yer fourth husband.

  Bridget It wuzn’t my fault he couldn’t hold up. Father Reilly says to me, he says, “Bridget O’Shea, you’ve been rather unfortunate with your husbands.” An’ I says—Father, unfortunate is no word for it; I never seen men used up so quick.

  Maggie Bridget, yer a scandal.

  Bridget Oh, I’ve had me time.

  Tillie Yeah, with the whole Fire Department.

  Lizzie Yus, it’s showin’ on yer.

  Bridget I’ll slap yer sassy mouth, so I will.

  Maggie Ah, she’s only risin’ yer.

  Bridget I’ll rise ‘er on the end o’ me toe!

  Lizzie Yer will not. Not you an’ all yer firemen friends.

  Bridget (Dropping Her Mop And Pushing Up Sleeve) I’ll lick ye wit’ me right hand, ye Orange bastard!

  Tillie Call in yer cops, Lizzie.

  Lizzie (Swinging Her Mop) I’ll polish yer upper set wit’ this, ye Divil’s wench!

  Maggie (Shouting) Howly mother, they’re at it agin!

  (At the beginning of the argument, the Orchestra enters, takes its place in the pit, and after tuning up, starts to play a number. TILLIE separates BRIDGET and LIZZIE.)

  Bridget (Taking Lizzie’S Arm, All Friendly Again) Say Lizzie, you an’ me’s as good as anythin’ they has on this bill.

  Lizzie Git hot, girls!

  (The four take their positions and dance and sing. CREW enjoy the antics of scrubwomen. STEVE enters.)

  Steve What the hell do you think this is, a concert? (Crew scatters to work.)

  Snap it up you bozos. Get these lines cleared. Strike this stuff on stage. Clear all the lines and tie off. We’ve got a big act coming in with six hanging pieces.

  Bradley Hey, Steve, is dis thing a production comin’ in or just one o’ dem things?

  Steve What do you care? Get these battens off these lines.

  Voice From Flies Hey, Steve, you 11 have to get three more grips.

  Steve Three more grips? Try and get them. This crew’s big enough to handle a circus. So snap into it.

  (General stage noises, some hammering. STEVE takes advance plots from his pockets—calls BRADLEY and Grip to whom he hands the respective lists.)

  This is the light plot of the big act. (Grip takes it and walks away; looking it over.) These are the light plots of the entire show.

  Bradley (Studying Light Plots) I wish these acts would call for some original lighting once in a while. Nothing but blue, amber or green spots. (Studying Dancing Act light plot) Say, what the hell is this, a Chinese act? I can’t make this out, can you, Steve?

  Steve (Laughs) Well, did you ever see anything that an actor laid out that you could understand?

  (LEADER enters.)

  Leader Good morning, Mac.

  Steve Morning—

  Bradley (Scrutinizing Plot) Oh, I can make dis out now. Dey got deir own electrician wit’ dis act. Dis must be dat bologney’s code so
nobody kin git wise to his job—some bozo!

  Steve Yeah, holding down the old job his own way! (Points off stage.)Here’s some of the acts arriving now. (Calls to Crew.) Give a hand to this baggage comin’ in.

  (Several Grips exit and return with trunks, etc. They clear stage as BILL enters.)

  Come on, you bozos—get busy with these trunks, snap into it.

  Bill (Crosses To Steve) Are you the manager?

  Steve Yes. Who and what are you?

  Bill I’m the electrician wit’ the Dolores and Randall dancin’ act.

  Steve Is the act in yet?

  Bill They stopped off to get sumpin’ to eat—they’ll be in any time, now.

  Steve (Calls) Hey, Bradley, take care of this fellow—he’s the electrician on that “Follies” act.

  Bradley (To Bill, As Steve Turns And Directs Something On Stage For A Moment) Whatcha bringin’ in?

  Bill I got two babies, three olivettes—moon-box and a water and cloud machine. Guess we can use the house bunches, eh?

  Bradley Yeah, but don’t forget, we don’t supply spiders or cables.

  Bill Aw, dat’s all oks, I got all dat stuff wit’ me. Dis is a regular act. And say, youse guys wants to get an eyeful of dis act.

  (Turns to STEVE, who has just crossed to them.)

  Listen, boss, you never seen such lightin’ in all your young career—Don’t care whose acts yer seen—some lightin’ on dis act. (Pom pously) I laid it all out myself, too.

  Steve Yeah, well, what do you want me to do about it?

  Bill Yeah—dere ain’t nuttin’ fer youse to do—yer see I used to work at dare Hip* in New York—Why de—

  Steve Oh,—tell that to Bradley.

  Bradley What’s dat? a teeayter?

  (STEVE crosses to Crew. Crew is swinging trunks, drapes, general crew work.)

  Bill Aw, gee, dat’s right, I couldn’t expect you to know dat.

  Bradley Yeah—but dere’s one thing dat I do know. Dis ain’t no Hip, and from your bologney I think you’re full o’ hop. Where’s yer union travellin’ card?

  Bill I didn’t use a card last week. Is der union strong out dis way?

  Bradley Yer damn right dey’re strong out dis way. Yer gonna use a card dis week.

  Steve Hey—Stan—Where’s Stan?

  (BILL fumbles in pockets for card he hasn’t got. STEVE turns from him, gives ad lib direction of swinging scenery, BILL goes over to some apparatus and is about to haul it out when he is noticed by BRADLEY who shouts at him and crosses to him.)

  Bradley Hey, lay off o’ dat stuff. Where der hell is your card? Tryin’ to pull a fast one around here?

  Bill Gee, I can’t find it—I ain’t got me card wit’ me.

  Bradley Well, den dere ain’t gonna be no act.

  (STEVE crosses to them inquiringly.)

  Bill What do ya mean, no act?

  Steve Just what he said. No union card, no act. That’s quite clear, isn’t it?

  Bill (With Show Of Bravado) No, it ain’t. Explain it! explain it!

  Steve You have all the explanation necessary! (Crosses stage.)

  Bradley Say, you heel, do you want me to get fined a hundred smackers fer lettin’ a wise-guy pull in here wit’out a card? Where do you get dat stuff—in der Hip?

  Bill Well, what do yer want me to do?

  Bradley Why, join der union—join der union, wise guy—it’s der only way yer kin work here.

  (Hammering starts. STEVE fretfully looks at watch.)

  Bill Gee, I can’t join der union in dis town.

  Bradley Well, dat’s your grief, Hippy.

  (He crosses to crew.)

  Steve Hey—Stop that noise—Where’s Stan?Hey, Stan! (STAN enters—and pretends to be panting.)

  Steve (Stan Crosses To Left) What’s the matter? What you panting for?

  Stan That ain’t panting—that’s passion!

  Steve Say—what’s the idea of goin’ round with one black and one tan shoe?

  Stan A woman lied to me she said there was nobody home. (To grip.)

  Take yer long line up—change No. 4 over to No. 12* (STAN turns to STEVE.)

  Steve Remember that Prima Donna. She’s coming back. I want you to look after her.

  Stan Don’t forget I got rheumatism. Hey! shorten that long line—

  Steve Here—what did you say about swimming? When was it first invented?

  Stan Two Scotchmen came to a Toll gate.

  Steve Oh—get to work.

  Stan That was a parky lunch last week—(Ad lib.)

  Say do you remember dat team o’ hoofers—well, neider of dem guys dare go near Chicago, New York or any of the big time yokeltakers.

  Steve Why not?

  Stan De little one’s afraid o’ meetin’ a wife—yer see he always marries a new dame wit’out shootin’ the last one—and de partner, der big bimbo—well he just forgits to marry ‘em at all.

  Steve Cut out that noise over there.

  (They don’t stop.)

  Where the hell are these acts? It’s ten-thirty.

  Leader Yeah, we’ve always got to wait. You’d think they were Dukes or Earls or maybe Queens …

  (Enter PARADISE DUPONT tripping lightly.)

  Whoops! I’ve been discovered, Royalty has arrived, dearie.

  STEVE (Crossing to PARADISE.) Who are you and what you do?

  Paradise O—Oh! I’m the Bird of Paradise and my four Manly-kins.

  Steve Well, what do you do?

  (Enter STANLEY loaded with props.)

  Paradise Well, for God sakes, what do you think I do?

  Steve I’m not thinking—I’m asking—

  Stanley (Downstage) He chases butterflies on the dewy grass. (Illustrates.) And makes delicious fudge on Sundays and holidays. (Up to table.)

  Steve What kind of an act do you do?

  Paradise Oh, I get down on my knees—and sing a couple of Mammy songs … you see I’m a character imperson-eater.

  Steve A what?

  (Enter two boys of Paradise company.)

  Paradlse A female impersonator. (Boys cross left.)

  Steve I guessed as much.

  Stanley Have you had your cream puffs this morning? (Downstage right.)

  Paradise Oh, I always eat early—(To STEVE.) You know it’s the early bird that catches the worm, dearie.

  Steve Dearie, hell. (Advances threateningly.)

  I’m Mr. McALLISTER to you.

  Paradise Mercy Mac, you’re a terrible villain. Don’t you dare strike me, or I’ll scream.

  Steve You’d better get your stuff arranged with the leader, third place on the bill.

  Paradise Oh Mac, you place me in a very awkward position. I always get a better spot than that. Sound your A, Professor, I’m coming. (Crash.)

  My God, things are falling in this town already.

  Edgar (Enters right; with his wife, greets McALLISTER.) Don’t worry, Honey, we’ve no opposition on the bill. We shall probably be the hit of the show.

  Mcallister Hello, Edgar, back with us again?

  Edgar Seems as if I was in stock here.

  Mcallister How are you?

  Edgar I’m clever, how are you? How’s business?

  Mcallister Not bad.

  Edgar That’s good.

  Mcallister How’s your act?

  Stanley That’s bad.

  Edgar Not good. Not good, great! But you wouldn’t know the act, it’s all changed. I’ve got a ukelele in the act.

  (Four boys enter; giggling.)

  1St Boy (Crosses to STANLEY—whispers.)

  Stanley Right down those steps in the corner.

  1St Boy Thank you so much.

  (2nd boy crosses to STANLEY, whispers.)

  Stanley I’ve told you, down those steps.

  2Nd Boy Thank you, you’re so good to me.

  (3rd boy crosses to STANLEY.)

  Stanley I’ve told you three times, you poor thing, you must be suffering. (Pushes him down stage left.)

  Down those
steps. (Boy exits—STANLEY crosses center.)

  Steve What did he want, Stan?

  Stanley Wanted to know where the music room was.

  Steve Where did you come in from, Edgar?

  Edgar Peoria. And if you think you’re funny, play that town. They’ll take all the go out of you.

  Steve Do they feature the vaudeville there?

  Edgar No, they just say “and vaudeville” Last week they had—the hell with the blue laws and vaudeville.

  (HOOFERS become very noisy and other stage noises annoy PARADISE.)

  Paradise You—OO—OO, Mac.

  (STEVE doesn’t hear the first call.)

  My God, Mac, you’d think I was on the firing line. I’ll be shell- shocked before the second chorus. You’d think they worked the effects for “What Price Glory?”

  Stanley (To Crew) Lay off the racket. You’re throttling the canary. (To HOOFERS.) And don’t lay your dogs down so heavy.

  Steve (To Paradise) Go ahead with your rehearsal. The boys won’t annoy you.

  Stanley And don’t you annoy the boys, Violet.

  Paradise Lavender, maybe, but violet never.

  Bradley (Enters, Crossing To Paradise) What are the light cues in your act?

  Paradise It’s on the plot …but if you have magenta gelatines, please use them instead of the green. Green is so cold—and I must have the warm colour, it’s much more artistic.

  Bradley We got all them colours.

  Paradise And I use a colour wheel on the promenade, if you’ve got one.

  Bradley We got that too, is that all?

  Paradis E That’s all—thank you.

  Bradley That sets you.

  (Exits.)

  Edgar (Downstage To Leader) Hello.

  Leader Do you want to rehearse?

  Edgar I guess I’d better. Now, the wife and I open the act with a lot of cross-fire talk, and when I kick the wife in the face you play “Together.”

  Leader You don’t think we’d play separate?

  Edgar No, I mean the song, “Together.” Has that been sung here?

  Leader Every week for the past six months.

  Edgar (Stanley Crosses Right) Oh, I do it different.

  (To STANLEY)

  Hey—got a cigarette?

  Stanley Plenty. (Exits.)