Three Plays by Mae West

by Schlissel, Lillian

Edgar I bet he’s a great guy. You know, a stage-hand hung himself in my dressing room last week. You can imagine how I felt when I came in and found him hanging to the pipes.

  Leader Did you cut him down?

  Edgar Well, not right away. He wasn’t dead yet. Now, after we sing this song—

  Stanley (Enters From Left) You go straight to your dressing room.

  Edgar No, we take a lot of bows.

  Stanley You take ‘em—where do you get ‘em from? Say, how did you get on the stage?

  Edgar I fell out of the balcony.

  Stanley Well, why don’t you get on to yourself and get back to your trade?

  Edgar I’m at my trade. My father was an actor and my grandfather was an actor.

  Stanley I suppose if your father and grandfather were bums—you’d be a bum?

  Edgar No—I’d be a stage hand.

  Stanley Have a cigar—

  (Hands him a cigar.)

  I don’t want to be near when you light it.

  (Exits.)

  Bradley (Enters Right) Do you use the spot in your act?

  Edgar I never put the audience in the dark—I want to get some applause.

  Bradley What has a spotlight got to do with applause?

  Edgar Well, the average fellow that goes to a show takes a girl with him and if you put them in the dark, that guy does everything with his hands but applaud.

  Bradley Your act must be worse than last time.

  First Hoofer (To Edgar) Have you finished your rehearsal?

  Small Timer Yes, I’ve finished—oh, hello, Chuck, gee I got some new gags I’ll show you. (Ad lib—Crosses right)

  First Hoofer Thanks, why don’t you put some in your own show?

  (To Leader) That guy couldn’t show steps to a stoop.

  (HOOFERS rehearse steps. As first HOOFER exits.)

  Hey, Stan, when do we go on?

  Stanley You’re dancin’ it.

  Hoofer ”Tanks.” (Exits.)

  Bradley (Off Stage) Hey, youse hoofers use a spotlight in your act?

  Hoofer (Off Stage) Just use de flood.

  (Enter TERRILL, followed by JAPANESE VALET with luggage. TERRILL takes position right center and poses.)

  Terrill Set down the bags, Nikko.

  Nikko All right.

  Terrill (Selecting Cigarette From Case) A light, Nikko. NIKKO strikes match and lights TERRILL’S cigarette.)

  Tell that fellow over there I’d like to speak with him. (Indicating STEVE.)

  Nikko (Crosses To Steve) Mister Terrill want talk—talk with you, Honourable Sir.

  Steve What are you—a wire walker?

  Nikko Mister Terrill want talk with you, Honourable Sir.

  Steve There’s no wire walker billed this week.

  Nikko (Points To Terrill) Make talk—you—Mister Terrill—make talk. You speak English?

  Steve Do I speak English? Why the hell didn’t you say so? (Crosses to TERRILL.)

  What’s the idea of sending that moon-faced kimono over to me? Is he your interpreter?

  Terrill My valet. Merely my valet. He saves me many extra steps. I suppose I’m dressing in No. 1 as usual. I’m topping the bill here, you know.

  Steve Yeah—you are. God knows why. How you come to be booked as a headliner is beyond me.

  Terrill My dear fellow, if I had to worry about the criticisms of stage-hands, I wouldn’t be a headliner. However, I don’t play to stage-hands and, as you know, I pack them in everywhere I appear. The women come in droves to see me. There’s the answer—what more could be said?

  Steve There’s a whole lot could be said—about you—but it would take all day for me to tell you. But watch out, Terrill, no nonsense this trip.

  Terrill It’s No. 1. then, isn’t it? Nikko, take these bags into No. 1. dressing room.

  Nikko All right,—I do.

  (Exits with bags.)

  (BOBBY enters right with bag—sees TERRILL, who crosses to her. She puts bag down.)

  Terrill Hello, honey. Hello, there. Are you with the dancing act coming in?

  Bobby Yes, with Dolores and Randall.

  Terrill Oh, Dolores and Randall? I didn’t know they—well, well, that’s fine. It must be a great act if you’re in it. Oh, my name’s Terrill—Rodney Terrill—you’ve heard of me, of course. Call me Rod. Your name is—?

  Bobby Bobby.

  Terrill Now, I thought you’d have a cute name like that. Bobby—so musical, it seems to ripple off the tongue. (Takes her hand.)

  Weren’t you with Gus Edwards?

  Bobby No, this is the first act I’ve ever been in. I’ve never been away from home before. I went to dancing school.

  Terrill Oh yes—I bet you dance beautifully. You would. You’ve got grace and poise. I noticed that as soon as you came in. How long have you been with the act, dear?

  Bobby Only two weeks. This is my first time away from home.

  Terrill (Looks Around) Ahh, I see. Have you got your Mother with you?

  Bobby Oh, no.

  Terrill Well, that’s lovely, lovely. Striking out by yourself, eh? Beginning your career all on your own. That’s lovely. You’ll get along. (Indicates bag.) This bothers you. (Puts bag down.) You’ll be a success if you don’t lose your sense of humor. Don’t have anything to do with men that aren’t sincere. They’re apt to tell you anything. How about taking a little dinner with me some night while you’re here?

  Bobby Well, I don’t know.

  Terrill Oh come, Bobby. Actors eat, you know, despite the old crack about starving showfolk. I’ll bet you eat prettily, too. I’d love to see those little teeth of yours munching on some—you know they are beautiful teeth—and those lips. Gee, what lips. What beautiful hair you have! Ziegfeld would go wild about you. Say, you’ll have dinner with me, tonight, eh?

  Bobby All right—Rod. (Starts to go—looks back.)

  Terrill That’s the spirit.

  (Throws kiss to her. As BOBBY exits, FLO enters—They collide.)

  Flo What the hell’s the matter with you? Hello, Rod.

  Terrill Hello, Flo. Lord, I’m glad to see you. I’ve missed you terribly. I was beginning to think we’d never meet again. The thought nearly drove me mad. (Takes her hand.)

  Flo Yeah?

  Terrill Did you get my letters?

  Flo No. Did you mail ‘em in a waste basket?

  Terrill How can you say a thing like that, dear? I’m surprised. Of course I sent you a letter. Three letters in fact. In one of them, I enclosed a new photograph.

  Flo Who of?

  Terrill Me, of course. I had it taken especially for you. I’m frightfully sorry you didn’t get it. I haven’t any more of them.

  Flo Well, that’s too bad.

  Terrill Oh, Flo, I’ve laid awake nights thinking about you. I’ve dreamed about you, too—a thousand times. I’ve gone over in my mind our hours together—do you—remember them, too?

  Flo I couldn’t very easily forget them. They made so big an impression on me—then.

  Terrill Now that we’re together again—God, what times we’ll have.

  Flo How about tonight—will you take me to dinner?

  Terrill Tonight? Let me see—tonight. No, Flo, I can’t—I’ve got some very important business to attend to—I’ll take you to lunch after rehearsal this morning.

  Flo Are you sure you can’t take me to dinner tonight because you’ve already dated up some other Jane?

  Terrill Now, Flo, how could you think so hard of me? You know you’re the only one for me and—

  Flo Weren’t you just talking to Bobby as I came in?

  Terrill Bobby? Who is Bobby? You mean that girl who went out as you came in? Don’t be silly. I just asked her what act she was in and when she told me she was with Dolores and Randall, I was overjoyed because I knew then that you’d be here—(kisses her hand.)

  Now listen dear, when rehearsals are over, we’ll go to some nice little place I know and have lunch. I’m dying to hold you in my arms again, sweetheart.

&
nbsp; Flo I thought we were going just for lunch.

  Terrill We’ll have that, too.

  Flo (Going) Don’t forget, I’m hungry.(Exits.)

  Terrill YouTl be fed.

  (SCRUBWOMAN enters, crosses right, pauses, looks around, Terrill sees her turns away, SCRUBWOMAN exits.)

  (Enter STANLEY—Crosses right.)

  Stanley Hey, you missed one.

  (Exits.)

  Steve (Enters—To Terrill) Still up to your old tricks? Listen Terrill, I know your kind and I don’t have a hell of a lot of use for them either. I want to tell you something. I don’t want any visiting in the dressing rooms while you’re on the bill this trip, or I’ll throw you out of here on your neck.

  Terrill I told you before, I do not play to stage-hands, neither do I take my moral instructions from any stage-hands.

  Steve Now wait a minute. While you’re playing this house you’re going to obey the rules I make here. Now if you’ve got anything to rehearse, get it over with. (Indicates orchestra.)

  You’ve got the spot position on the bill—fifth place.

  (TERRILL goes to LEADER, arranges for rehearsal. STEVE crosses to girls.)

  Terrill That’s as it should be.

  Steve Are you girls with Dolores and Randall?

  Girls (Together) Yes.

  Steve Well, you girls are dressing in No. 14.

  (GIRLS start picking up their bags, etc. Enter MR. and MRS. RIPLEY HETH ERINGTON. THEY stand by as STEVE talks to the Girls.)

  Now before you girls go to your dressing room, let me tell you something. This goes particularly for this theatre. But if you are the nice girls that I think Mr. Randall would pick for his act, then I’m certain that you won’t forget it in any theatre you play.

  Bobby Mr. McALLISTER, you don’t think—

  Steve Now young lady, I’m not thinking about it. It is a rule of this house that we do not permit community visiting in the dressing rooms. I don’t have much trouble in the theatre because I find the majority of performers on the bills are very decent people and I’m only telling you girls this now, because I saw the little byplay between a couple of you girls and that man—Terrill. I’m quite certain you only wanted to seem smart and chic. Am I right? Now run along and don’t forget.

  (The GIRLS have mingled expressions of feeling—indignation, embarrassment, guilt MR. and MRS. HETHERINGTON exchange knowing glances and gestures—whisper to each other.)

  Maybelle Thank you very much, Mr. McALLISTER.

  Flo You can be sure, Mr. McALLISTER, we won’t forget. (Exit with bags.)

  Hetherington Mr. McALLISTER—It is an extreme pleasure for Mrs. Hetherington and myself to be playing once again in your theatre. I sent ahead my property list and scene plot.

  Steve I’m awfully glad to see you folks back again. I like a good dramatic sketch on my bill. I received the scene and prop plots, but I’m afraid you’ll have to use the same old center door fancy. Hey, A1—let down the center door fancy.

  (BOYS giggle and chatter.)

  Hey, Stan—you take good care of Mr. and Mrs. Hetherington. He’ll check up with you on your props.

  (BOYS camp—cross center down front.)

  (STEVE crosses to BOYSk.)

  I’ll run the whole gang of you off the stage if you don’t cut out your clowning. Paradise, send these boys to the dressing room.

  Paradise All right, Mac—Off you go, boys—to your dressing room.

  Stanley (To Boys, As They Exit) Boys,—save your strength—You have a matinee.

  (BOYS exit talking.)

  Mrs. Hetherington (To Her Husband) Ugh! Such people. I can’t understand them. They’re so queer.

  Hetherington Yes, my dear—extraordinarily queer. I think queer is the word. They lack perception, my dear, of the finer qualities which go to make up the true artist of the legitimate drama.

  Peaches Aren’t there peculiar looking people on this bill?

  (Looking at MR. and MRS. HETHERINGTON.)

  Paradise Yes, and some of them are so moth-eaten, they look as though they’ve been buried and dug up.

  STEVE (Turns to them. DOLORES and RANDALL enter—TERRILL is rehearsing.)

  Randall Dolores, I’ll have to straighten this out with the manager. You take care of the rehearsal.

  (GIRL comes to DOLORES with music.)

  Maybelle (Cross To Dolores) Dolores,—do you want your music?

  (RANDALL crosses left to STEVE.)

  Dolores (Right) In just a moment. There is someone rehearsing now.

  Randall (To Steve) Are you Mr. McALLISTER? (Indicates his electrical apparatus.)

  My electrician tells me he’s run into a snag.

  Steve You’ll have to take it up with the stage manager.

  (Indicates STANLEY right. RANDALL and BILL cross to him. DOLORES in crossing toward piano meets TERRILL. They greet each other very friendly.)

  Terrill I knew you were on the bill, Dolores. My God, how I’ve longed to see you. The three weeks that I haven’t seen you have been torture.

  (TERRILL screens her from view of RANDALL up stage right.)

  Dolores (Looking About To See If She Is Observed By Randall) Oh, Rodney, don’t be so careless. Tom’s furious. He suspects your interest in me is too intimate. We have had a terrible battle because of you. He’s so insanely jealous. Please, for my sake, if you love me as you say you do—do be careful, and I’ll see you as often as I can.

  Peaches Paradise, did you ever have a platonic love affair?

  Paradise (Left. Looking directly at DOLORES and TERRILL.) Oh yes, but his wife found it out.

  Terrill But, Dolores, darling, I’m crazy about you. I love you so that discretion leaves me. When I see your beautiful body with such wondrous poise and grace dance and sway rhythmically about the stage, my blood races through my veins like liquid fire, and consumes all senses except that of my passion for you.

  (DOLORES attempts to hush him, hut lingers as he draws her close to him by one arm. They whisper balance of conversation. MRS. HETHERINGTON has observed their actions and turns to her husband disgustedly.)

  Mrs. Hetherington Ripley, dear, isn’t it disgusting? How brazenly and boldly some women in vaudeville conduct themselves before others. (Indicating DOLORES and RANDALL.)

  Hetherington (Looking At Them) It is demoralizing! But, my dear, we must see all, hear all and say nothing! You must be famished, my dear,—I insist that you go and have breakfast. (Exit.) (PARADISE has gathered together the BOYS, who are still clowning.)

  Paradise Mac, where you going to put us to dress?

  (To STEVE up stage right.)

  Steve In Number twelve.

  Stanley Next to the acrobats—and don’t push the chewing gum out of the knot-hole.

  Peaches You don’t think we’d do a thing like that?

  Paradise Not much! (As they are trooping off, PARADISE and BUNNY are last to leave. They pass near DOLORES and TERRILL.)

  Bunny (To Dolores) Listen, sister, you better grab the band and let the drugstore cowboy hit Main Street—the girls will be waiting for him, dearie. (Exits.)

  Terrill (Turns Furiously As She Walks Off) You keep your remarks to yourself or I’ll—

  Paradise You’ll call her husband—(Cross right.) to protect the lady’s reputation (Exits). (DOLORES takes her music from the GIRLS and confusedly crosses to

  LEADER—TERRILL restrains himself—PARADISE and BUNNY exit.

  STANLEY exits on errand down right.)

  Randall (To Girls In His Act) You will always find on vaudeville bills some certain man who is perfectly willing to be most amusing. Usually these men have only one thought in mind and that is to make you like them—and like them so much that in your little fickle brains you forget the decent things your mother taught you. These men think nothing of visiting you in your dressing room, regardless of how little or how much clothing you may have on. But they usually gauge their time so that you don’t have much on—and then under the pretense of a love for you which they never fe
el—things happen that shouldn’t be done—by children.

  Dolores (To Leader, Who Is Playing Her Music) That’s perfect tempo for our dancing—(Dances a few steps.)

  Now the tempo increases until the end of the number which must be very fast.

  (Dance for fast finish—RANDALL and STEVE are talking—STEVE points to drops being hung by crew.)

  Steve Oh, Mr. Randall—

  (To RANDALL.)

  We’re hanging your stuff now—Don’t worry about playing the date—I’ll see to it that you’ll do that in any event—but—

  Stanley (Who Has Re-Entered—Cross To Left Center) See that this bimbo gets a union travellin’ card, or get another boy—Only this time don’t get one that worked at the Hip.

  Randall (To Steve) That’s mighty decent of you, Mr. McALLISTER. I’ll make it all right with you before we leave.

  Steve (Indignantly) No, you won’t make it all right with anybody. We don’t do things that way here.

  Stanley It’s going to cost you a hundred and fifteen for the man.

  Randall How much? Gee, that’s steep, isn’t it?

  Stanley That’s the union scale and yer kin take it or leave it. You know how it is.

  Randall But how about my electrician?

  Steve Well, he can tell our man what to do.

  Stanley But he don’t dare touch de lights or nothin’.

  Bill Gee, can’t I get the stuff out of the crates, even?

  Stanley Yeah, you can do that—put your spiders and cables and de rest of the stuff over there.

  (BILL starts away.)

  But don’t try ter lay it out, savvy?

  EDGAR

  (Takes BILL by arm down stage right.)

  Are you having trouble with your union card?

  Bill Yeah.

  Edgar Why didn’t you come to me—I’d have taken you over to the Union and fixed the whole thing up for you—

  Bill Who do you know at the Union?

  Edgar I know the big guy over there—what’s his name? Well—any way—something happened on the bill with me three weeks ago—I took the guy over to the Union and squared up the whole thing up for him. Next time anything like that happens—come to me—I’ll fix it up for you.

  Bill If you’re such a good fixer—why don’t you fix up that lousy act of yours?

  Randall (To Steve) Thank you ever so much, both of you. Mr. McALLISTER, I’m doing a little change in the dance numbers and I wonder if there would be any objection to me rehearsing the girls on the stage?