Three Plays: The Last Carnival; Beef, No Chicken; and A Branch of the Blue Nile

by Derek Walcott

  FRANCO

  You know, in the classic Greek tragedies, when the hero’s tragic fate appears to be insoluble, the author makes a god descend from a machine, deus ex machina, or deus ex motorcar, I’d say in this case. So, Otto, who knows? Perhaps he’ll solve your problems.

  CEDRIC

  Want to hear more problems? We need a ripe bass voice for The Rural Report. Someone who knows the country, to bring culture to agriculture. Informative and boring.

  FRANCO

  [Sitting at the table, dropping his voice a register] Good evening. This is The Rural Report.

  CEDRIC

  Not bad. But there’s only the morning slot.

  FRANCO

  Good morning. This is The Rural Report.

  OTTO

  Franco, them children out there depending on you. They mock you but love you. You can’t give them up.

  CEDRIC

  This voice could reach thousands.

  FRANCO

  And the salary as well?

  CEDRIC

  We’ll be in touch! [Tries to rub both hands in delight] Now, if I could just find a good country calypsonian!

  [The LIMER enters, crooning]

  LIMER

  [To CEDRIC] Is your van that park in the drive-in trench, boy? Ay, Franco, the headmaster send me to tell you to come right now, because them children been in that hot sun for an hour and they nearly get kill.

  FRANCO

  You tell that gorilla … [To CEDRIC] Do I have the job?

  CEDRIC

  It’s more or less definite. [To LIMER] Ay! You’re a calypsonian?

  LIMER

  See Otto. He’s my manager. [He exits]

  CEDRIC

  Ay, Sonny Boy, wait!

  FRANCO

  Which one? “More” or “less”?

  CEDRIC

  More more than less. I’d take the risk.

  FRANCO

  Well, you aren’t me. A pension is a pension. [Exits, shouting] Never mind, Radio, I shall tell him so myself.

  [DRUSILLA enters, with luggage. Then EUPHONY]

  EUPHONY

  Otto, your niece says she’s leaving.

  OTTO

  Leaving? To go where? You just get up and you gone? What you doing with them two grip? Where you’ll be staying? If I may ask?

  EUPHONY

  Drusilla, think of what you’re doing! How can you just pick up yourself and fly down the highway with the first broom-handle man you meet? A man who …

  DRUSILLA

  Auntie, I’m simply going into the city for a while. The highway is calling. It sent him here. To save me from all this. From Couva. I was born for TV.

  EUPHONY

  Take the straight-and-narrow path, Drusilla, not the straight and the wide one with four lanes or whatever it is. I know you have a little bit saved, but don’t spend it on clothes and don’t let Mr. Broom Handle sweep you off your feet.

  OTTO

  Drusie, don’t go down that highway! I don’t mind you don’t work. I rather have you here. To hear your voice in the afternoon when you get up. The schoolmaster gave your auntie an ultimatum for her birthday, and if she accepts, it will be you and me alone.

  DRUSILLA

  Are you ready, Cedric? We’ll take a bus. You know why I sleep late? Because unhappy people sleep a lot.

  OTTO

  Oh. I didn’t know you were unhappy. Look, I know a woman in Tunapuna, runs an artificial-flower shop. You could go down by taxi and come back, same day. Especially with the new highway … what am I saying, Lord? What you told this girl to take her from her family? Why you turned off that road to change her life? What is happening this morning?

  CEDRIC

  Change her life? Somebody should save her. I’m sending the wrecker to move that thing quick before you try to repair it.

  OTTO

  Go then, Drusilla! Go on! Let the highway take you from me, leave your old uncle, break my heart like an axle. You! Sumintra! Life! Leave me like an old wreck by the side of the road. Let life, and hope, and happiness whiz past me at ninety miles an hour on that blasted highway! They born to break our hearts, young people. One less mouth to feed, though.

  [Exit CEDRIC, DRUSILLA. EUPHONY goes to the door, shouts]

  EUPHONY

  And when your damn hand fix, bring back my broom!

  OTTO

  All right. No more! No more! From tonight Franco will be the Mysterious Stranger. Is war! From now on, you hear me? War!

  [Organ music]

  SCENE 2

  Same. That night. Organ music up, then fades. Midnight striking. A watchdog howls. Wind in the trees. OTTO and EUPHONY dressing FRANCO.

  FRANCO

  You’re saying I must prove my manhood by dressing like a woman? Is that why you asked me to your window at midnight, only to find your brother here as well? Dress like a woman?

  OTTO

  I did it.

  FRANCO

  Yes, but look at your figure.

  OTTO

  You should talk, Macaroni Socks.

  FRANCO

  [To EUPHONY] You told him?

  EUPHONY

  He’s my brother, I tell him everything. Hold still, Eldridge. I’m adjusting the waist.

  OTTO

  This will prove your love. So it have a Doberman out there, what’s the big deal? He’s a barker, not a biter. He go lunge for your ankles and he bound to miss.

  FRANCO

  These are the ankles of a dancer. [To EUPHONY] You’ll learn that when we’re dancing the wedding waltz.

  OTTO

  You want to dance the wedding waltz? Go out there and practise.

  FRANCO

  If I go out there, in this ridiculous garb, brave gunfire and the hounds of hell, she’ll give me her hand in marriage, or you go turn me in and collect the reward?

  OTTO

  Eldridge, how could you think I would do you that? [To EUPHONY] You hear him? This man I’ve given innumerable Peardraxes on credit. This man I play draughts with? This bosom friend …

  FRANCO

  Never mind my bosom. Is the friendship I’m concerned with. I came here expecting a midnight romance. I brought wine, I brought cheese, I brought chalk. But since these are the conditions under which I must win her hand, and since I’m a woman … [A dog howls, barks] I change my mind.

  OTTO

  [Wearily] Franco. The dog stop barking. Sprinkle the perfume. They go by smell. The reason we are sending you out there is because the hound associates the Mysterious Stranger with one smell. Mine. Yours will baffle him.

  [EUPHONY dabs perfume on FRANCO’s neck, back of his ears, etc.]

  FRANCO

  It hasn’t stopped barking; it is listening …

  OTTO

  Have it your way. Before you leave here, I suggest we have a vote. My vote is you go out there and give the greatest performance of your life. My sister votes the same.

  FRANCO

  I abstain. Besides, it’s what? [Looks at his watch, after hoisting his skirt] Twenty past twelve, and spiritual apparitions are always punctual. Have you ever heard of any apparition apologizing for unpunctuality? You think the ghost in Hamlet would arrive at the battlements at twenty past twelve and disappoint all those people?

  EUPHONY

  You’re disappointing me. And the Doberman. I’m going inside to sleep, you hear? I don’t feel you should let down that poor dog, because it is obviously expecting you.

  FRANCO

  Why don’t you go, dear?

  OTTO

  She don’t have to. It was her idea.

  FRANCO

  Your idea? A big Christian like you?

  EUPHONY

  I don’t believe it, Eldridge. It is they who believe it. So vote, please. Don’t balk at this challenge.

  FRANCO

  I’m not balking. Is the damned dogs balking. And their bite damned sight worse than their balk, pardner.

  OTTO

  You teachers have contempt for
your own culture! Even you?

  FRANCO

  But for me to act the part convincingly, I must believe in what I’m doing. I don’t believe these old wives’ tales. I’m a man of Science.

  EUPHONY

  The trouble with Science is that it does prove everything. But what you are doing now is only proving your love. If you take away mystery from Couva, aren’t you taking away its spirit? Its magic, its belief?

  FRANCO

  And who will take away the watchman’s gun? And the dog?

  [Silence]

  OTTO

  Is two watchmen now, eh, so be careful. Also two more Dobermans—or Dobermen, you tell me.

  [Silence]

  FRANCO

  Dobermans.

  OTTO

  Thank you, teacher.

  FRANCO

  [Putting a finger to his lips] Shhh.

  [He goes to the window quietly, leans his head out into the night. He barks. Silence. He goes to another window. Barks even more defiantly. Silence. Reciting]

  “What, has this thing appeared again tonight?

  Horatio says ’tis but our fantasy,

  And will not let belief take hold of him

  Touching this dread and”—something something—“sight” …

  [He walks towards the door, shudders, straightens himself, puts a clenched fist to his lips and discreetly coughs. All the dogs in the county explode with barking. He steps back, then plunges into the night with a scream. Then shouts, barking, gunshots. Silence]

  OTTO

  Well, I hope them Dobermans like macaroni.

  [FRANCO stands in the doorway. Silence. They look at one another]

  FRANCO

  It was Vietnam out there.

  OTTO

  Where’s the hat?

  FRANCO

  [Touching his head] Hat?

  OTTO

  Hat. H.A.T. The thing you does put on your head? You lose it? You leave it out there? It had Euphony name inside the hatband. Franco? If they find that hat, all, all of us in it …

  FRANCO

  Well, I’ll tell you one thing: hat or no hat, I’m not going back.

  SCENE 3

  Same. Three days later. A masked BANDIT, to be followed by another, enters the café. The FIRST BANDIT is carrying a gun.

  FIRST BANDIT

  Hello? Hello. Good afternoon. HELLO, GODDAMN IT, THIS IS A HOLDUP! ANYBODY HERE?

  [EUPHONY enters]

  EUPHONY

  Ay-ay, we progressing! Crime comes to Couva.

  FIRST BANDIT

  Hands up, madam.

  EUPHONY

  I happen to be a spinster, young man.

  FIRST BANDIT

  Well, someday your prince will come.

  SECOND BANDIT

  Look, le’ we stop the romantic discussion. Make the woman hands up while I search her.

  EUPHONY

  Search who? Look, no man ever lay his hands on me yet, boy!

  SECOND BANDIT

  You in for a big thrill, lady. Hands up!

  FIRST BANDIT

  You heard, sister!

  EUPHONY

  Sister? I old enough to be your aunt.

  FIRST BANDIT

  Auntie, then. Hands up!

  EUPHONY

  Don’t tickle me, eh?

  FIRST BANDIT

  [Turns to SECOND BANDIT] So what happens in a case like this?

  SECOND BANDIT

  Get piece of rope and tie she up.

  EUPHONY

  Tie who up? I look like a cow to you?

  SECOND BANDIT

  Don’t gi’ me a hard time, nuh, lady. The money ain’t for us. Is for the revolution. You can’t start a revolution without capital. So open the cash register!

  EUPHONY

  I can’t work the cash register. Look, before all you start your revolution I want you to take a chance on a raffle from my church bazaar. Do that, and God could help you in your work.

  SECOND BANDIT

  Tell the old cow that our cause comes first.

  FIRST BANDIT

  Our cause comes first.

  EUPHONY

  Good. If your cause comes first, you win a big prize. Ten dollars a chance.

  SECOND BANDIT

  Look, tie up the old cow and done. Is brainwashed, Bible-reading people like she who obstruct the revolution. I say tie she! Ask if she have anything to say before we gag her. [He rips up a tablecloth]

  EUPHONY

  Not my good tablecloth.

  FIRST BANDIT

  You have any…?

  EUPHONY

  I wish you would take a chance with the church. [Goes behind the counter, returns with two aprons and caps, and boxes] I wish two of all you would put on these white, freshly ironed uniforms, cap and apron; here, hold them. I said hold them! Try them on, and see if they fit. What’s wrong with two of you? [She distributes the uniforms] You didn’t hear me, boy? I said … [Takes away the gun] put the gun down and try them on. You put them on, and I will show you how you can help the revolution the same time you helping the church. To the tune of thousands of dollars.

  FIRST BANDIT

  Carrrramba!

  EUPHONY

  Caramba is correct! Now ten dollars a raffle ticket, and your names. No? All right, I will just write First Thief, Second Thief.

  SECOND BANDIT

  Give her twenty dollars.

  FIRST BANDIT

  From where?

  SECOND BANDIT

  From petty cash! From travelling expenses! You invest twenty dollars and stand to make thousands, man, and you’re going ask me the whys and wherefores? Look mine. [Pays]

  EUPHONY

  Good. My pastor will be pleased. Here. [Rips stub] You. And Comrade You. [FIRST BANDIT pays] Who steals from the thief lends to the Lord.

  SECOND BANDIT

  So where this money, Auntie?

  EUPHONY

  It is now in a van that left Port of Spain, from the offices of the Mongroo Construction Company, because it is payday. This … [She draws a van on blackboard, then erases it, swearing softly] was supposed to be the van. [She draws it again]

  FIRST BANDIT

  It’s good.

  EUPHONY

  Thank you. [She continues drawing] On this side, where there is still grass and shade, Mongroo’s Construction Company take their two-hour lunch break on Friday. Payday I send them their lunch. Mark down: FRIDAY, PAYDAY. Good! Now this uniform, this cap and apron, used to belong to a Indian lady called Sumintra, and I have spent nights embroidering the name of my brother’s restaurant. A flying hamburger to indicate fast service. How could a Christian woman, in the strictness of the church, encourage you to steal from the bank? What is the answer?

  FIRST BANDIT

  Death to the capitalists!

  SECOND BANDIT

  Viva Fidel?

  EUPHONY

  No.

  SECOND BANDIT

  Caramba de Dios?

  EUPHONY

  Wrong! Here is the answer. [She puts down figures] We put on one side: $15,000, minus your twenty dollars for the church raffle, equals …

  SECOND BANDIT

  $14,980.

  EUPHONY

  Correct. Now, on this side, we put the Mongroo contract. How many noughts in five million? That’s what the highway cost. [Writes it out] $5,000,000. It looks like a carton of eggs. Attention! Caps and aprons! The van should be there by now. You will put on these little white masks to protect your face and the food from the dust. You will go on the grassy side of the road in the shade where the workmen are on their lunch break; you will give them this order of sandwiches, roti, and please make sure they all collect around you, including the driver; and you will then take this gun, and get into the van, and all I ask is, wherever you get to, to drop off three thousand in cash at this address. My niece’s apartment in Port of Spain. So, $11,980 is yours. Amen.

  BANDITS

  Amen, Auntie. [They start to leave]

&
nbsp; EUPHONY

  Wait! Before you all rush off like two mad red ants!

  I’m a Christian woman; but I don’t make joke!

  So, let me give you young atheists a warning:

  I come from Toco Village, bush-medicine country;

  I know spells, mal-cadi, cross-eye, and fits,

  so I’m a African, too, and between them two religions

  I could stand up right here and bend a blight on you

  that would make a dog scream anytime you appear;

  I could double-cross your eye, I could cave in your chest

  till no hot flannel, cold leeches, or compress could fix it.

  Furthermore, I could pluck one hair from your beard …

  and burn it in soft candle, till Fidel couldn’t help you,

  and your guts would twist up tight, tight as toffee.

  FIRST BANDIT

  [Crossing himself] Easy, easy, Auntie. We believe it, we believe it.

  EUPHONY

  So you best drop that three thousand just where I ask you, or your liver go boil black, your hair go …

  FIRST BANDIT

  I promise you, personally.

  EUPHONY

  All right, pass round the back so nobody don’t see you. Be careful. And may the Lord bless you in your work. [The BANDITS exit] Twenty dollars in ten minutes. Send us more thieves! [She stuffs money in her bosom quickly as OTTO enters, reading a letter, followed by the LIMER]

  OTTO

  Why I don’t just adopt you?

  LIMER

  Is a letter from Drusilla? Tell her I working. Special Works Programme. They give you a shovel and you move one pile a’ dirt from where it was yesterday to the next side. Tomorrow morning, you put it back. The rest of the day is yours. Good bread. Building the nation.

  OTTO

  This letter feel pregnant.

  EUPHONY

  In three days?

  OTTO

  It takes one second. [Reading] “Dear Uncle Otto and dearer Auntie Euphony. Hoping this finds you in as good health as it leaves me. Just a short note to say that Cedric and I have been working very hard on the program. You’ll see yourself on TV soon.” [Hands EUPHONY the letter] She still with that? She and Mr. Broomstick Handle? He is just another Port of Spain rip-off artist. Where I getting three thousand dollars? Boy, what you want?

  LIMER

  Miss Euphs, sorry I late. I come quick to bring the task force their lunch. Where the apron?

  EUPHONY

  Lunch? Lunch? What I have to do with their lunch? Something burning. [Leaving] I think I leave on the iron.