Three Plays: The Last Carnival; Beef, No Chicken; and A Branch of the Blue Nile

by Derek Walcott

  OTTO

  No current so no matter. Wait! SISTER dear! [EUPHONY returns. To LIMER] What is this I hearing? Task force? Lunch?

  LIMER

  Your sister give me work. The men down the highway. They eating up Miss Euphony food like … Your cash register red-hot! You make three hundred dollars. Your worries done!

  OTTO

  Eating up Miss Euphony food? Sit down, woman! Sit down! While I been breaking my back out there in the garage, you here in the front putting food in my enemy mouth irregardless of my principles?

  EUPHONY

  So how the hell you think we been eating? And pay last month’s mortgage, and buy the groceries? Wake up! Wake up! Your principles going to kill you! And I go have to pay for the funeral! I was trying to make cuts. Cold cuts! Budget cuts!

  OTTO

  You see why I ain’t married? Well, you take that three hundred dollars and take a taxi to Toco by tonight. Go. [To LIMER] You self! Move!

  [LIMER walks to the door as FRANCO enters, and, as usual, pauses at the door]

  LIMER

  Don’t go in there, Franco! [Exits]

  FRANCO

  Today is the day. Today, you shall give me your answer, or be prepared to stand the consequences. Hello, Otto.

  OTTO

  Hello, Otto, my arse! You owe me for a case of Peardrax. And you’re welcome to that interfering bitch over there. [Exits]

  EUPHONY

  Interfering bitch? I am going back to Toco!

  FRANCO

  You jest! Cruel virgin! You jest.

  EUPHONY

  I jest what?

  FRANCO

  I’ll fling myself in front of a tractor. I shall do something desperate. I warned you. This is my ultimatum!

  EUPHONY

  [Exploding] You go right ahead and do something desperate. You’re a man! Well, what the hell you want me to do? Get married because I’m tired of being a laughingstock? So we could go to a lot of matinees? The last time I went, you couldn’t keep your hands to yourself.

  FRANCO

  What picture was that?

  EUPHONY

  What picture? War and Peace. I spent the whole picture fighting. Eldridge, I am tired of your harassing me. Tired. I accept.

  FRANCO

  Not so fast, not so fast. Let me have a Peardrax?

  EUPHONY

  My brother has thrown me out of his house for a principle. My own brother! Like something he picked up under a shoe, and you want a Peardrax? I am going inside, I am packing my things, I am accepting your proposal very quietly. I am in need of a place to stay overnight, which, if you are serious, will be your place, so, Mr. Franco, you can now have a Peardrax and a wife. Wait for me to pack. [Pauses] Drusilla gone with my damn suitcase!

  FRANCO

  I was moving in here to help Otto.

  [OTTO enters]

  OTTO

  You still here? I say you in Toco by now! People have gall, yes! That’s all I can say. Some people have gall, the rest have stones, but some have both, and you know who I mean? The Couva Borough Council. Too much dust from the highway, so the Mayor can’t use his office for an emergency meeting, so guess where they insist on holding this meeting?

  FRANCO

  I know. It was my proposal. They’ll be here momentarily.

  OTTO

  [To God] You know, I can’t believe you would do me this? Weren’t my father a deacon? Didn’t he serve you all his days? [To FRANCO] Who de arse give you the right to use my blasted place to hold any blasted Borough Council meeting, Franco? Close up the café! We close for business.

  EUPHONY

  Well, it’s too late now, because they are here. The Mayor, Lai-Fook, Mongroo, and who is the red woman?

  FRANCO

  A Mrs. Almandoz.

  OTTO

  Mitzi?

  FRANCO

  The recording secretary. I thought she had resigned.

  EUPHONY

  Who is this Mitzi?

  FRANCO

  Your brother’s goodies, I believe.

  OTTO

  Mitzi can’t take shorthand.

  FRANCO

  We’ll talk slowly.

  EUPHONY

  So that is the Mitzi, eh? The flower-shop widow? She look sprightly. Spring in her step, and her flowered hat buzzing with the birds and the bees. Well, if she so dress up, I could dress up, too. I going to take a bridal shower, and we’ll see who gets married first. [Exits. The MAYOR enters with the council and LIMER]

  OTTO

  Well, Mr. Mayor; well, Mr. Betrayer! I see you have distinguished our place with your presence. Well, when you cut that ribbon is my throat you cutting.

  MITZI

  Lord, this place dusty. Is that from the highway? [To OTTO] Hello, Tiger.

  OTTO

  [Growls welcome] Mrs. Almandoz.

  MAYOR

  Mr. Hogan. Your resignation has not been accepted. It is still being processed. Too much dust in the office so Franco invite us here. I drag Mr. Lai-Fook from his bakery for this emergency meeting. Now, shall we sit down and iron out our differences?

  OTTO

  My sister using the iron. How you doing, Mongroo? A next new suit?

  MONGROO

  I sweat a lot.

  OTTO

  Cold or hot? I should throw all you arse out, but is a public place. I will take your orders, gentlemen.

  MONGROO

  You bet you go take we orders when you hear what happen, and my first order to you is to take this envelope.

  OTTO

  No, thank you.

  MONGROO

  It will be here on this table. You want to start this meeting, Hernando? I have to make the airport for a flight to Fort Lauderdale.

  OTTO

  You fleeing the country? Who go finish the road?

  MONGROO

  Mr. Mayor, you ready? You have forty-one minutes.

  MAYOR

  On the way over I noticed that we’re short of a quorum by one. However, the constitution provides for the presence of one ad hoc member from the municipality, any citizen who pays taxes, by common consent of the council, to protect the interest of the electorate. [To LIMER] Sonny, what’s your name again?

  LIMER

  Radio.

  MAYOR

  ALL RIGHT! Radio, boy, lift up your antenna and swear to uphold and protect the laws and by-laws of the Couva Borough Council. All in favor say aye, “Aye,” good, get a chair and sit down at the back here, vote, and shut up. Everybody agree? Mrs. Almandoz, just put down his name as representing the taxpayers, and we could start, all right? Tell the lady your name, boy.

  LIMER

  Radio.

  MITZI

  That’s what they call you?

  LIMER

  Off and on. Is really Mighty Radio, but I thinking of switching over to TV. In fact, I glad all you reach, because I just finish this caiso, Your Excellency …

  MAYOR

  Your Honour.

  LIMER

  Your Excellency Your Honour, for when the highway open.

  [Sings]

  When the highway open please drive with care.

  Remember, it will always have somebody there.

  Buses, taxis, and trucks will be on that stretch,

  so don’t cuss nobody and don’t get vex.

  Remember, life, my friends, is like an open road,

  so please keep strict observance of the Highway Code.

  FRANCO

  Feeble. Sit down. [Pelting him with chalk]

  LIMER

  Fock you, Franco! You feel you is Shakespeare? And watch the chalk.

  MAYOR

  Gentlemen, this is our last meeting before the official opening of the highway. Mr. Hogan has claimed that there is a loophole, and that the highway is illegal because we need his signature. At this late stage.

  MONGROO

  The highway is legal. Loophole, my arse! The people want it; it was legally tendered.

  O
TTO

  I know all about them tenders from reliable sources.

  LAI-FOOK

  Well, that is your business, Otto. Pepper sauces, reliable sources. Ha ha, and so on.

  FRANCO

  Can we please call this meeting to order? We must begin with the minutes. This has to go to Cabinet! We need the letter for Cabinet.

  MAYOR

  Look, Hogan. What you wanted me to do? Vote against the highway to support your little broken-down garage?

  OTTO

  How you could vote against it, when you planning a taxi business between Couva and south?

  LAI-FOOK

  But what this man want, Lord?

  MONGROO

  He want a good swift kick in his arse.

  FRANCO

  Mr. Mongroo! There’s a lady present.

  MITZI

  Thank you.

  MAYOR

  The envelope is waiting. We would hate to prosecute.

  OTTO

  You mean either I take the bribe or you’ll prosecute me?

  MONGROO

  Take the damn money, nuh, Otto. All your problems solved! Too besides, we have some incriminating evidence, right, Mr. Mayor?

  MAYOR

  The whole point is you making the Mayor-royalty look ridiculous! Mongroo threatening to seize the Town Hall furnitures because of a back debt. He have bailiffs hovering like corbeaux outside it. I, or we, use some of the money to stave off the repossession. Not for myself. Well, a few dollars. You go hang me for that?

  MONGROO

  Grow up! The projection was a forty percent drop off in business sales should the highway pass us by. That is for small businessmen. Not so with the Mongroo Mall, not with the mall at all at the clover overpass. We came to you, hat in hand, to be partner in it. And I say “hat in hand” again, “hat in hand” à propos your future, Hogan. We have a silent but surprising witness. Hat time, Hernando!

  MAYOR

  Not yet. You signing?

  OTTO

  No.

  MAYOR

  This man head is a quarry?

  FRANCO

  [Leaping up] Your Honour, may I point out that this whole meeting is wholly unconstitutional since we have not read the minutes? [Sits] Thank you.

  LIMER

  This is politics? Is great!

  MAYOR

  All right, Mr. Franco. Minutes. Can we have the minutes, Mrs. Almandoz?

  LAI-FOOK

  No minutes, no minutes, we ain’t have time. I have bread in the oven.

  MAYOR

  Since Councillor Lai-Fook have bread in the oven, minutes taken as read and passed. All in favor, aye.

  ALL [except OTTO]

  Aye.

  MAYOR

  Got that, Mrs. Almandoz?

  MITZI

  Sir.

  MAYOR

  Anything arising out of the minutes?

  OTTO

  I …

  MAYOR

  We’re not voting, Mr. Hogan. You can’t say “aye” yet.

  OTTO

  Who voting?

  FRANCO

  You can’t say aye unless a motion is made.

  MONGROO

  I have a plane to catch!

  OTTO

  [Standing] I am arising out of the minutes.

  MAYOR

  Mrs. Almandoz?

  MITZI

  Your Excellency?

  MAYOR

  “Your Honour,” “Your Honour,” not “Your Excellency.” Not yet. Read that back. I’m confused.

  MITZI

  From where?

  MAYOR

  From right where you are.

  MITZI

  From what part of the transcript?

  MAYOR

  Oh. From. From … from … ahmmm.

  MITZI

  From “Anything arising out of the minutes”?

  MAYOR

  Okay, okay. Sorry, Mr. Mongroo.

  MONGROO

  Oh, that’s okay, okay. That is democracy. Patient and precise … Your Honour Jesus Christ Almighty.

  MITZI

  [Reading] “Mr. Mayor: ‘Anything arising out of the minutes?’” [Peering at her notes]

  LAI-FOOK

  Minutes does take long.

  MITZI

  [Reading] Tiger, I mean “Mr. Hogan: ‘Aye.’ His Honour: ‘We’re not voting, Mr. Hogan.’ Mr. Hogan: ‘Who voting?’” That gentleman over there with the bow tie and moustache …

  FRANCO

  [Patiently] Eldridge Franco.

  MITZI

  “Mr. Franco: ‘You can’t say aye unless a motion is made.’”

  Tiger, I mean “Mr. Hogan: ‘I am arising out of the minutes.’”

  MAYOR

  Hurry up, please, Mrs. Almandoz.

  LAI-FOOK

  Minutes does take days. [Sniffing the air] My bread burn.

  MITZI

  “Mr. Mayor: ‘Your Honour?’ Your Honour: ‘Read that back. I’m confused.’”

  MAYOR

  That’s it right there? We stopped at “I’m confused”?

  FRANCO

  You said, “I am confused.”

  MITZI

  No, Mr. Franco. Sorry. I have “I’m confused.”

  FRANCO

  Well, let’s not go into a coma over a comma. That was lovely, Mrs. Almandoz.

  MITZI

  Thank you, Mr. Franco.

  FRANCO

  Not just your stenography, but your whole manner.

  OTTO

  Write that, too, nuh. I am still waiting, Mr. Mayor.

  MAYOR

  So we got as far as “I am” or “I’m confused.”

  MONGROO

  Democracy is for white people, yes. [The LIMER rises] You go sing or what?

  LIMER

  Where is the gentlemen, Mr. Hogan?

  FRANCO

  Where are the gentlemen, stupid!

  LIMER

  I mean the bathroom. I ain’t see none here.

  OTTO

  Round the back, boy. But my sister bathing, so watch it.

  LIMER

  Is that an order? [Exits through the door]

  FRANCO

  Cockroach.

  LAI-FOOK

  She shouldn’t bathe after she iron.

  MITZI

  Your Honour, may I put in my nickel’s worth? How much is a nickel?

  LAI-FOOK

  Five cents.

  FRANCO

  Five cents, ten cents, let the blasted woman talk!

  MITZI

  I do not relish being referred to as the “blasted woman.”

  FRANCO

  Torrential apologies. My profuse pardons. My mind was in the shower. I don’t trust that chap. When I think of him watching the water cascading down her bosom, when …

  MITZI

  I see no harm in Mr. Hogan making a compromise with the Mongroo Construction Company when there are only his selfish principles at stake. I have not seen Mr. Hogan for two weeks now, and … I’m worried that …

  OTTO

  Woman!

  MITZI

  You know these days you’ve been very dyspeptic.

  OTTO

  Because I can’t keep up with your appetite.

  MITZI

  [Icily] My appetite is quite normal, thank you. Quite normal. A little satisfaction is all I ask. Is that ab-normal, gentlemen?

  ALL

  Right! Okay with me! True, true! You right, girl!

  MITZI

  Mr. Franco?

  FRANCO

  Mrs. Almandoz?

  MITZI

  [To FRANCO] Stop staring at my chest. It is very distracting, Mr. Franco.

  FRANCO

  It was not your chest, Mrs. Almandoz, but rather your brooch. As I stared at it, I was thinking of two lines from Oliver Goldsmith. The brooch, being gold, aroused my recollection. Goldsmith says, in “The Deserted Village” …

  MONGROO

  Goldsmith, tinsmith! Look, this ain�
��t no time for no poetry. I have a plane to catch by six. Otto. Otto, Jeez an ages! Try and understand this go be to your own benefit! The government sending us a set of hysterical statistics, but is a fact that right now, in America, it have more people making hamburgers than making cars. Think about that, Otto. The fast-food industry making more billions than the fast-car industry, McDonald’s is bigger than Chrysler, and I think that there is a lesson in that for any business incentive. People tend to eat more during inflation because they feel the food go finish.

  MAYOR

  You mean they rather get gas than buy it.

  OTTO

  We are not Americans! But, give us time …

  FRANCO

  That idler is taking rather a long time in there. When I think of her lathering her …

  MONGROO

  Look, I tired eating chicken. Let we eat steak. How you so surprised? All over the world this happening, man. Bribery is the first stage of economic development. Oh, Jesus, is no big thing that my company deliberately order the wrong size pipe to drag out the contract, and that in the process some bread change hands, the right hand supposed to feed the left, one … [Demonstrates] hand can’t clap, and so forth. That does happen in big country, too, so is a sign of progress. Them old-time five-dollar, ten-dollar days is colonial bribery. This is the big time, man, and to me, the bigger the graft, the surer the economic health of the country!

  LAI-FOOK

  You too old to be a Communist, Hogan.

  MAYOR

  Look! I ain’t want to get up in the morning and see a set of cane, and two, three cow parked in the pasture. I know all that. I grow up with that. Nah! I want to get up and hear car horn, not cow horn, I want to hear traffic jam blowing, not sheep, I want to see industrial smoke, not trash fires, I want to fight pollution, to be a mayor with real problems, not who animal knock down who fence, because progress and pollution go hand in hand, and I would feel proud to be a part and parcel of twentieth-century issues and problems, blight, crime, scandal, welfare, all that! Because Couva would be right up there with them, taking its rightful place among the great cities of the world. Shit! That, to me, is vision. Not looking up some cow backside like I used was to do.

  MONGROO

  You can’t see it? Clover-leaf overpass, maybe even a toll booth, rest area, and if you’re smart, you mechanic, a big O for Otto’s. Beefburgers, cheeseburgers, the entire enchilada like a mini-Miami, no more roast corn by the side of the road, no more …

  FRANCO

  I hope she had the sense to draw the shower curtains.

  MONGROO

  [Spreads out a blueprint in front of OTTO] … shrimp stands, oysters, all those Third World shacks, but just the highway humming south, and the cars curling in here, right in here, you giggler, for an old-fashioned roti, if you’ll approve this layout that I had my own PR do at my personal cost. So don’t think you’re neglected, Hogan. You’re part of the scheme. [In dialect] Man, sign the focking thing; excuse me, Your Honour.