Flutter

by Amanda Hocking

“He’s still asleep,” Bobby whispered and crept out of the room, closing the door quietly behind him so we wouldn’t disturb Milo. “Is there something I can help you with?”

  “Uh, maybe, I guess,” I said. He crossed his arms over his chest, trying to protect his bare skin from the chill of the house, and I wondered why he hadn’t just put on a shirt. “Do you know where Jack is?”

  “Kinda, actually,” Bobby nodded, looking pleased to be able to help. “They had some emergency business thing. I didn’t understand exactly, but the stocks were going crazy and they had to go fix it. Ezra and Jack left a few hours ago, and I think Peter was already on his way there. They should only be there for a day or two.”

  “How do you know all this stuff?”

  “Oh, cause I have insomnia,” Bobby smiled a little. “It kinda works out having a vampire for a boyfriend, but he still sleeps, and I don’t.” He shrugged at the humor in it, but I wasn’t sure if I found anything about him fun or charming.

  “I see.”

  Matilda finally decided neither of us were Jack nor were we suitable replacements, so she wandered down the hall. I watched her walk away, then went back to staring awkwardly at Milo’s half-naked boyfriend.

  He smelled delicious, but I didn’t really want to eat him. I counted that as a good sign, but I didn’t like him. Still, I didn’t really want to go back to my room just yet.

  “So, are you up for the day?” Bobby asked.

  “Yeah, I think so.”

  “Cool. Let me just get a shirt,” he said, as if I had invited him to do something. I nodded and waited for him, like I thought I had invited him too.

  Bobby disappeared briefly into the room before coming out with a slim-fitting zippered hoodie hanging open. I tried to peer around him to see what Milo’s bedroom looked like now that he was sharing it with someone else, but Bobby barely opened the door. I’m not sure if he was trying to hide something, or if he was just trying to respect Milo’s sleep. Either way, I decided that I didn’t trust him.

  - 16 –

  “I was gonna get something to eat,” Bobby said, zipping up his hoodie. He didn’t do it all the way to the top, but from what I could tell about his penchant for low V-neck shirts, he was a big fan of showing off his chest tattoos.

  Not that I blamed him really. Bobby was actually very attractive. If I was still human and didn’t have Jack and didn’t know that he was shagging my brother, I’d probably think he was hot.

  “I wasn’t, but that’s probably better for you.” I was kind of joking, but I was also trying to sound kinda threatening. Just as a reminder that if he hurt my brother, I could totally kill him.

  “Right.” He gave a small laugh and went downstairs. I went with him, because really, I had nothing better to do. “So… do you ever miss food?”

  “Not really,” I shrugged, following him into the kitchen. “It’s hard to explain. I remember the way food tasted, and I kinda crave it. But when I think about eating it, I feel nauseous. Besides that, blood tastes a million times better than any food ever could.”

  “I’ll take your word for it.” Bobby crinkled his nose at the thought of drinking blood, which I found distasteful. I knew he let Milo drink his blood, and he enjoyed it. It seemed kind of hypocritical.

  “Whatever.” I pulled a stool up to the kitchen island and sat down while he rummaged around in the fridge.

  “I’ve always been partial to a bagel with cream cheese.” He got said foods out of the fridge and popped the bagel in a toaster. “I don’t think I could ever give it up, so I guess being a vampire is out for me.”

  He was trying to make a joke, I’m sure, but it sounded like a stupid thing to be a deal breaker for immortality, especially considering that eternity would be with Milo.

  Bobby leaned against the counter, waiting for the bagel to pop up, and an uncomfortable silence settled over us. I was thinking my day would be much better spent watching the newest season of Dexter on DVD in Jack’s room. I had been slowly working my way through the whole series since Jack constantly raved about it.

  “So… you don’t really like me,” Bobby said after his bagel popped up. He spread cream cheese thick all over it and didn’t look at me. “I don’t blame you.”

  “Why? Low self-esteem?” I said flippantly.

  “Kinda, but that’s not what I meant.” He took a big bite of his bagel and turned to face me. He swallowed it before continuing. “I get it. Milo is your little brother, and he’s pretty young and inexperienced. And I’m older, and I do kinda have that bad boy vibe, even though I am clearly not a bad boy.”

  With the tattoos and dark features, Bobby did have a rebel without a cause thing going on, but after the way I had seen him cowering around Milo in the club last night, I could say with complete certainty that Bobby was not a bad boy in any real sense of the word.

  “Those things are true,” I said carefully.

  “And I am human, which is dangerous in a way for vampires,” Bobby said. “I mean, he’s stronger and more powerful than I am, but I complicate things for him in a lot of different ways, and I know that.”

  “If you know that then why are you with him?” I asked, not unkindly.

  “That’s a good question.” It was such a good question that he had to finish the entire bagel so he could think it over. Finally, he swallowed the last bite and leaned back against the kitchen counter. “I don’t want to tell you.”

  “I don’t like the sound of that,” I warned him icily.

  “No, it’s not…” He shook his head. “You’ll think I’m just under the spell, that one that vampires put humans under, and it’s not that.” He paused a second. “It sounds cheesy and like an easy excuse and everything… but we’re in love.”

  “He’s sixteen! What does he know about love?” I don’t know why that was my go-to argument, and it was Bobby’s turn to think that I was hypocrite. “Okay, yeah, I get that I’m not much older than Milo, but…”

  “You understand where we’re coming from,” Bobby said with a wry smile, and I shook my head, unwilling to admit defeat. “The situation is difficult, but the heart wants what it wants.”

  “What a stupid thing to say,” I scoffed. “My stomach wants what it wants, too, but you don’t see me ripping out your throat to get it, Bobby.” He shrugged, unfazed by my veiled threat, and I wasn’t sure if it made me hate Bobby more or less. “What is that about?”

  “What?”

  “You’re like twenty-one, and people call you Bobby. Isn’t that a little boy name?” I wrinkled my nose, and he laughed.

  “People called Robert Kennedy ‘Bobby’ his entire life.”

  “And look at how well that turned out for him,” I countered, referring to his untimely assassination.

  “Maybe. But my name actually is ‘Bobby,’ not ‘Robert’ or ‘Bob’ or anything,” he shrugged. “So it’s just what I go by, since it is legally my name.”

  “Was your mother like a hippie or something?” I asked.

  “Something like that.”

  “Okay, so fine, you and my brother are crazy in love,” I said, and it left a bitter taste in my mouth just playing devil’s advocate. “Let’s say that I buy that. How did you two meet? And how did you come to know our particular lifestyle?”

  Lifestyle wasn’t exactly the right word, because it implied that there was a choice in this. I had chosen to become a vampire, but I could never choose not to be one, not unless I died. Even then, I’d just be a dead vampire.

  “Um… well…” Bobby fidgeted with the zipper on his hoodie. “I used to frequent the gay clubs, especially right after I turned 18. I wasn’t a slut, exactly, but I wasn’t… not a slut, either.

  “One of the gentlemen pursuing me turned out to be a vampire. We ‘dated’ for awhile, but I’m using the term loosely. We’d just fool around, and he’d bite me. But it took some time before I figured out what was going on. I mean, even after I realized that he was physically biting me, it was still a hard concept to
buy that he was a vampire.”

  “Yeah, I know what you mean,” I said. The supernatural could be a very hard pill to swallow. Sometimes, I still found it hard to believe in vampires, and I was one.

  “I was never a bloodwhore,” Bobby said quickly. “I did like the way it felt, being bitten.” He looked at me. “You’ve been bitten, right?”

  “Only twice.”

  “It’s pretty wonderful,” he smiled. “But it’s even better when you’re in love. All their feelings rush over you, and if the guy biting you is a douche bag, it can feel pretty dirty and terrible, even when it feels so good.”

  That was exactly why Ezra had been in such horrible shape in Finland, but I wasn’t eager to think of that, so I nodded for Bobby to continue.

  “Anyway, I started hanging out around V, looking for vampires, and then I met Milo.” Bobby looked at the ground. “It was like love at first sight. That sounds like a line, but it’s true.”

  “So you just saw him, and that was it?” I asked.

  “Pretty much. He just walked over to me and we started dancing, and kissing, and talking, and we’ve been together ever since.” Bobby smiled wider. “Milo’s a pretty great guy.”

  He ran his hands through his hair, trying to smooth out his side bangs. His dark eyes had that weird wistful quality to them and his cheeks were reddening lightly, so I knew he was thinking about Milo. I didn’t doubt that he really did care about my brother, but I just couldn’t seem to like him.

  Well, that wasn’t even it exactly. I actually did kinda like Bobby, or I was starting to at least. I studied him closely, trying to figure out what about him was really bothering me. Was it just that he was Milo’s boyfriend and I wouldn’t like anybody he dated?

  That’s when it finally dawned on me. I didn’t like Bobby because I didn’t like him. My first reaction to him had been suspicion. That had just been because I was surprised he was human, and I was protective of Milo. Dislike was perfectly reasonable, but I shouldn’t have been able to feel that way. Not if Milo and Bobby were really supposed to be together, the way my blood had been meant for Peter.

  The reason everything had gotten so complicated with Jack and Peter was because of how fluid the bond is. Jack, Peter, and Ezra, and now Milo and I, were held together by a similar blood bond.

  Milo and I were especially bonded because we were siblings in real life as well as in vampires. That meant I should have a great affinity for whoever he was bonded with. It would be impossible for me to hate who he was meant for, and yet, I had instantly disliked Bobby.

  I understood transference in all of this. I had broken my bond with Peter, and I knew that love could be stronger than blood. But that probably wasn’t the case with Bobby. He was just a nice guy that Milo would be into for awhile, but not forever.

  I suddenly felt sorry for Bobby, because, Milo would break his heart. Not the other way around.

  “And you don’t have to worry about us,” Bobby was saying, drawing me from my thoughts. He tired of trying to straighten out his hair and flipped up the hood of his sweater. I hadn’t really been listening to him, so I just stared, hoping he would elaborate. “I mean, Milo, I guess. He’s not like that guy Jane was with, and I’m not like her, either. That’s not our thing.”

  “No, I get that,” I nodded. Maybe at first the idea had crossed my mind, but I didn’t think so anymore.

  “I understand the appeal of her lifestyle. It’s something that you can fall into pretty easily.” Bobby twisted the drawstring to his hood around and looked at the ground.

  I had a feeling that despite all his protests, it was a lifestyle that Bobby had come precariously close to getting into, and when things ended with Milo, there was an even greater chance that that’s how he would end up. Thanks to Milo, he’d be even more hooked on the feel of being bitten.

  “So, you know what it’s like, probably better than anyone in the house.” I leaned across the island, looking at him more intently. “You get where Jane is coming from. If the situation were reversed, if you were a bloodwhore, what could somebody say to get you to stop?”

  “That’s a good question.” He exhaled and stared off, thinking. “I don’t know really. As long as it still feels good, it’s a pretty hard thing to convince somebody to stop. I think it has to start hurting her, and then you have to keep reminding her how much it hurts.”

  “How does it hurt her?” I asked. “I know that it’s killing her, but she’s unaware of that. Like, any time she feels like crap, she just gets bit, and then feels better, right?”

  “Not exactly,” Bobby shook his head. “Immediately after, you feel really good. But shortly after that is when you feel the worst. The loss of blood really damages your body, and you start to feel what it’s going through. And you have the residuals of the vampire you’re with, and if she is picking up random guys at the club, they’re probably dicks. Meaning she’s left with none of the euphoria but all of their emotions and how they feel about you, which is usually pretty shitty.

  “It’s after that, after the bad feelings fade and you get your strength back, that’s when you go back to the club,” he went on. “You forget how bad they made you feel, how incredibly weak you were, and for some reason, all you can remember is the pleasure of the bite.”

  “Huh.” I eyed him up, and he noticed, so he shrugged sheepishly. “Not that your information hasn’t been helpful, but I’m starting to think you picked up a lot more vampires than you let on.”

  “It’s different with Milo,” Bobby insisted with a wounded look in his eyes. “Honest. You don’t have to believe me, but it’s more than biting and fooling around. So… Please don’t tell him, okay? He knows that he’s not the first vampire I was with, but he doesn’t know how many were before him. I don’t want him to think that’s what this is about, because it’s not.”

  “I won’t tell him unless I think it’s relevant. So just don’t make it relevant,” I said, staring at him evenly. He nodded, realizing that was about the most he could get from me.

  “This is a pretty awesome place,” Bobby said, changing the subject. He moved onto making coffee, and the coffee maker looked brand new. Mae had probably bought it especially for him, so he must not be all bad if she approved of him. “And Mae is amazing. How is she doing today?”

  “I haven’t seen her.” I looked over my shoulder toward her room, and I tried to listen for the sound of her over the coffee pot gurgling, but I couldn’t hear anything. “Have you?”

  “No, but if Ezra left, I didn’t think it would be that bad,” Bobby said.

  The kitchen smelled completely of coffee, and I felt an odd pang of knowing I couldn’t have any. I had never really liked coffee, but I loved the smell of it. My stomach gave me a sharp pain, reminding me that I didn’t want any of that anyway.

  Bobby suddenly seemed to smell stronger, and I pushed it back. This was just my body’s attempts to convince me I was hungry, but I shouldn’t be yet, and even if I was, I had to learn to get control of my hunger instead of letting it control me.

  “You okay?” Bobby asked.

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” I shook my head to clear it. “I think I’m just gonna get a shower. But, um, it was nice talking to you, and I’ll see you later.”

  “Yeah, alright,” Bobby said, but he still looked worried.

  When I went upstairs, Matilda followed me again. She assumed that every time I went anywhere, Jack would be waiting. Maybe I spent too much time with him.

  Although lately, it wasn’t really feeling like I spent any time with him. I had just gotten back from a trip, and then he left. In his room, with all his things, my heart throbbed at the thought of him. Matilda jumped on his bed, covering his blankets with her white fur, and sniffing about, as if he was hidden amongst them.

  I sighed and started rummaging around the room for something to change into. I’d most likely spend the day watching TV or reading or something. Nothing worth getting gussied up for. Maybe if I was lucky, I could ge
t Milo and Bobby to hang out with me, if they weren’t too busy with each other.

  What kind of cruel world was it where my little brother got to have sex and mess around with his boyfriend any time he wanted, and my boyfriend was stuck sleeping in the den every night? Sure, I was still sorely lacking in self-control, whereas Milo had always been a master of that, but come on!

  While Jack was gone, I vowed to work on getting myself under control, so when he came back, we could move onto the next phase of our relationship. Namely, the really fun stuff.

  Instead of doing anything fun, I spent my time curled up in Mae’s bed with her. She was unnaturally quiet, so we mostly sat in silence. Milo came in her room later on, and that helped. He was always much better in a crisis than I was, and for some reason, he was incredibly close to her. I think that maybe he was her favorite, but that didn’t bother me so much. I was Jack’s favorite, and that’s all that really mattered.

  Bobby didn’t feel comfortable hanging out with Mae when she was like that, and that made sense. She was nearly inconsolable, and he hadn’t known her that long. I ended up making an escape once Milo had her sitting up.

  He put on Houseboat starring Raquel Welch on her TV, and that got her talking about her plans to buy a houseboat someday. Her cheeks were puffy from crying, but I hadn’t seen a real tear in hours. With Milo there, she had even hinted at a smile a few times.

  That left me to further bond with Bobby. We played some war game on the Xbox, which I seriously sucked at, but he didn’t yell at me once. When I played with Jack, he could usually manage about twenty minutes of it before suggesting that I sit out a turn and let Milo play instead. It was nice being tolerated and killing Nazis.

  Before going to bed, I called and texted Jane a few times. She didn’t answer or reply, but I hadn’t expected anything different. I’m pretty sure she was pissed at me, although I didn’t know why.

  Maybe she hated me for introducing her to vampires, or maybe she hated me for not introducing her sooner. I don’t know. She was usually easy to get a read on. Her life revolved around boys, clothes, and getting drunk or high. I hadn’t interfered with any of those things before today, so she didn’t have anything to hold against me.