Flutter

by Amanda Hocking

  “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” Jack asked as evenly as he could.

  “The last thing you remembered was following the girls, and everything was confusing and frightening enough in the beginning,” she said. “We didn’t want to add to it, so we let you believe that the girls had done it.”

  “So you lied to me?” When he opened his eyes, they had gone icy. “You lied to me for the past sixteen years? You thought that was a better alternative?”

  “No, we just… I didn’t know how to tell you,” Mae floundered.

  “Whatever.” He pushed her hand off him and stormed out of her bedroom. I went after him because I felt I should, but I had no idea how I could help him.

  “Jack!” Mae called, running after him. She tried to touch his arm, and he jerked it back from her. “Jack! Please! It doesn’t change anything!”

  “It changes everything!” Jack made it as far as the living room before he whirled on her. “You killed me! You…” He ran his hands through his hair, and he couldn’t process what she told him. “And you covered it up! How could you lie to me about something so important? What else have you been lying to me about?”

  “Nothing! This was the only thing, and it wasn’t lying!” Mae looked away from him and shook her head, her eyes swimming with tears. “We just let you believe what you wanted.”

  “Bullshit!” Jack yelled. “You let me believe what you wanted me to believe! You didn’t want to tell me that you had almost left me for dead! And if Ezra had been there, instead of Peter, you would have! He never would’ve let you turn me!”

  “What’s going on?” Ezra asked, coming down the stairs at precisely the wrong time.

  Sometimes, it really sucked being able to feel everything Jack felt. He had his arms wrapped around himself, and he was very close to throwing up. He’d always thought they’d been so moved by his plight that they saved him, when really, he had just been a casualty.

  “Why didn’t you ever tell me Mae killed me?” Jack shouted, turning his anger on Ezra. “You made me live a lie the entire time!”

  “You’re being melodramatic,” Ezra said calmly. “Nothing has been a lie.” He gave Mae a disparaging look, and she shied away from it. Apparently, he didn’t approve of the way she told Jack.

  Cautiously, I took a step towards him. Jack wasn’t mad at me in particular, but he felt kinda mad at the world. He stood in the middle of the living room. Ezra and Mae were in the living room doorway, and Mae started crying. Milo had smartly decided to stay behind in Mae’s room to hide.

  Somehow, Milo’s pep talk had turned into this, and I felt sorry for him. He probably didn’t feel any better about his situation when he saw Jack reacting this way.

  In fairness, I don’t think Jack was that upset about what happened. Or at least, he would’ve gotten over it a long time ago. He just didn’t like knowing he had been lied to about something that was such a major event in his life.

  “Jack, you know they love you,” I said, and he looked at me uneasily.

  “How do I know that? How do I know anything they ever said was true?” Jack asked me honestly.

  “You know how much you mean to us!” Mae insisted. “Look at everything we’ve done for you and tried to do!”

  “You know what? I really don’t wanna hear from you right now,” Jack snapped at her. He turned and headed for the stairs. “I don’t wanna hear from anybody!”

  When he ran up to his room, I followed him. He had no reason to be mad at me, but he didn’t really feel like he wanted me around. He paced in his room, and I stood awkwardly in the open doorway, so I wouldn’t be intruding on his space quite so much.

  “Why would they all lie about this?” Jack ran his hand through his hair. “Why couldn’t they just tell me the truth? Is it really that hard?”

  “Kinda. I’m sure Mae was really ashamed of what happened, and you didn’t remember,” I said. “They probably just thought it would be easier for everyone.”

  “I could’ve died!” He stopped pacing so he could look at me. “Mae almost killed me, and she never thought it was the right thing to tell me? And I don’t get why I don’t remember. Everyone else remembers when they turned so vividly. Why can’t I? Did she do something to me?”

  “You died, that’s why,” Peter said, startling me.

  He must’ve been in his room when he heard Jack yelling, and we had been too distracted to notice him coming out into the hall. I glanced back at him, then crossed my arms firmly over my chest and moved closer to the wall, away from him.

  “You were dead for almost five minutes,” Peter said. “We weren’t even sure the transformation would take, but you’ve always had a strong heart.”

  “Well, thank you so very much,” Jack said, his voice heavy with sarcasm.

  “I know you’re upset, but you’re making too much of this.” Peter sounded almost weary.

  He walked into Jack’s room, moving much closer to me than I would’ve liked. He barely looked at me, but I stared down at the ground. Supposedly, Peter was trying to comfort Jack, and that made me uncomfortable. Being around Peter and Jack together made me feel guilty.

  If I had been able to think clearly or actually speak, I would’ve been wondering when Peter started caring about Jack’s well-being. I know that they had once been very close, but I had never seen Peter ever say anything encouraging to Jack. Today, at this moment, Peter suddenly decided to repair their relationship.

  “Peter, I really don’t need your shit right now,” Jack said. “You’re no better than anybody else.”

  “Really? Because it was my decision to save your life.” Peter looked at him, and Jack lowered his eyes to the floor. “But that’s not the point. Mae was a wreck about what happened to you, and we did everything in our power to save you and take care of you. So don’t act like we don’t care.”

  “Out of guilt!” Jack shook his head. “And it doesn’t matter! I just can’t believe that you’d all lie to me all this time!” He sighed. “But I guess I shouldn’t have expected much different from you. You’re the most self-serving person I’ve ever met.”

  “What does that mean?” Peter narrowed his eyes at him.

  “You are so selfish! You never think about anybody else!” Jack shouted at him. “You guys didn’t want to tell me because you thought I’d be upset!”

  “You sure proved us wrong,” Peter replied dryly and crossed his arms over his chest.

  “I never lie to you guys! Not ever! And I can’t believe that you would all conspire to lie to me about something so big!” Jack yelled, and the knot in the pit of my stomach only tightened. “It’s so weak, and even though you’re a massive dick, I never thought you were a coward.”

  “I saved your life! And I have sacrificed so much of my own happiness for you!” Peter growled at him. “And that makes me a dick and a coward?”

  “If you had to lie to do it, then yeah, it does!” Jack stared directly at Peter, and something flashed in Peter’s eyes.

  “Hey, you know what? I think that, um, we should just take a breather,” I stammered.

  “So you don’t want me to ever lie to you? About anything?” Peter had a bitter smile on his lips, and it confused Jack. “That’s the only way that I can overcome being this selfish asshole who has stupidly put your wants in front of my own for the past sixteen years?”

  “I hardly think you’ve done that, but yeah.” Jack didn’t know what he was getting at, but it made him nervous.

  “Peter, I think that Jack doesn’t know what he’s saying,” I interjected breathlessly. Jack’s eyes flitted over to me for just a second, but by then, it was too late. As soon as I said Peter’s name, Jack realized something was up.

  “I know exactly what I’m saying,” Jack glared at Peter.

  “Yeah? Well, then, just so I can absolve myself from all the sins I’ve done against you, like saving your life and running away to Finland so you could live in peace, I’m gonna tell you the truth.” Peter leaned in a lit
tle bit closer to Jack and lowered his voice. “I kissed Alice. Three days ago.”

  “Peter!” I shouted because that was the only defense I had.

  We both suspected some kind of reaction out of Jack, but for a minute, there was nothing. A weird buzzing feeling engulfed his emotions, and I couldn’t get a read on any of them. His face was blank, and then finally, he turned to me. That’s when I felt how much it hurt him, and it was like being punched in the gut.

  “Jack,” I said lamely.

  “Fuck you all,” Jack looked at Peter, then back at me. “Seriously. Fuck you all.” Then he looked away from us and walked out of his bedroom.

  - 24 –

  Going after Jack would not be an option. When he left, I felt how badly I disgusted and hurt him, and he didn’t want anything to do with me. He might never want anything to do with me again, but I had to give him time. So I stood in his room, reminding myself to breathe.

  “Alice, I’m so sorry,” Peter said genuinely. “I didn’t mean to say that. I never meant to tell him anything, but he-”

  “Shut up!” I snapped. “Just shut up!”

  Peter left me alone, and I sat on the bed. I trembled horribly, but I managed to keep from crying or vomiting, so it was almost a win. Over and over again, I just kept telling myself that he wouldn’t leave me forever. Not over this.

  I had kissed Peter before, and he had gotten over it. Admittedly, I hadn’t really been dating Jack at the time, and he had still been hurt by it. But he only hurt because he loved me, and it had just been one stupid kiss.

  I tried to think of how I would explain this all to Jack. When he came back, he’d want to know why, and I had better have a good excuse. Unfortunately, I didn’t have one. There was no good reason for what I did with Peter. I couldn’t even explain it myself, and I had been trying for days. What I felt for Peter was nothing like what I felt for Jack… but I couldn’t deny that I did feel something for Peter.

  As much as I had been minimizing it, there was still this connection and pull I had towards him. Maybe I would have it forever, but I only acted on it because of weak impulse control.

  That’s not what I could tell Jack, though. He would never be okay with that. And he was just starting to get along with Peter again. Why did I always have to ruin everything?

  When Jack still hadn’t come back several hours later, I called and texted him. Multiple times. But he never answered. I could hear Bobby waking up in the next room, so I decided that helping him out would be better than feeling sorry for myself and worrying about Jack. Bobby wanted food, so I made him a sandwich and grabbed him a Diet Cherry Coke.

  Milo was moping about the living room, and I’d had enough of it. Grabbing him by his arm, I drug him upstairs. He complained the entire time, but he didn’t fight me that hard. I managed to get him and Bobby’s food in his room without damaging any of them.

  As soon as Milo saw Bobby sitting up in bed, he started crying. He ran over to him and they embraced. He apologized a million times, and Bobby forgave him a million times. Just like that, they were back to normal. I hated them.

  Jack still wasn’t home when Matilda and I finally passed out, but that didn’t worry me that much. When I woke up, and he still wasn’t there, I got more concerned. After another thirty ignored calls from me, I decided I had to try a different tactic.

  Jack was pissed at nearly everybody in the house, except for Milo and Bobby. In fact, he was ridiculously fond of them. I woke up Milo and demanded that he text Jack, just to make sure he was okay.

  Two minutes later, Jack replied with, “Yeah, I am okay.” So I made Milo follow-up asking when he would be home again, but that text, Jack never answered.

  I lay in bed, feeling certain that he was never coming home. He had left with a Lamborghini and credit cards with no spending limit. He felt betrayed by almost everyone living in this house. If I were him, I’d probably run away forever too.

  What could he possibly still want with me? All I ever did was complicate and hurt him. He was better off without me, but selfishly, I wanted him still.

  The ache I felt at being apart from him only seemed to be growing. Jack was either getting farther away, or … I don’t know. Maybe his feelings were ebbing away, and I could feel it, like a painful tear spreading down my middle.

  I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I just stared at the ceiling, and let the pain consume me. After all, I deserved it. This was my fault.

  “Alice?” Peter knocked on the open bedroom door, but I didn’t turn to look at him. I refused to do anything that didn’t involve being immobile and suffering.

  “Go away.”

  “You’re pissed at me, and you should be,” Peter said. “I never should’ve said that.”

  “For once, you didn’t do anything wrong,” I sighed. “I never should’ve kissed you, and after I did, I should’ve told Jack about it. I screwed up.”

  “I shouldn’t have let you in my room that night. Or maybe I should’ve…” He trailed off. “I never should’ve come back in the first place.”

  “No, this is your home. I’m the one that ruined everything, but I always do.”

  “No, Alice, you don’t ruin anything,” Peter took a step into the room, but I held my hand up to him.

  “I need to be by myself, okay?” I could see him out of the corner my eye. He debated whether he should listen to me, but finally, he nodded and left me alone.

  If I wanted any chance of a future with Jack, I was going to have to spend the rest of my life avoiding Peter. For the first time, I really understood why Peter was always taking off. It was impossible for us to be around each other. It was just strange that Jack was the one that left and not Peter. I shivered and hoped that that didn’t signify anything.

  All around, everything seemed to be falling apart. Bobby was recovering, but Milo was still shaken up. Peter sulked about the house, and he tried to talk to me several times, but I always shut him down.

  Mae and Ezra were completely unraveling. I could hear them shouting at each other constantly, about Jack, about Daisy, about anything. Matilda just lay by me and whined, and I buried my head under the pillow. I didn’t know how much more of this I could take.

  “Alice?” Milo knocked on the door tenuously, waking me up. It was the second night Jack had been gone, so I hadn’t really slept. “Alice, wake up.”

  “What’s in it for me?” I grumbled and poked my head out from under the pillow. When I saw Milo, I blinked, assuming that I was dreaming. He was wearing some kind of getup that included black angel wings and excessive amounts of eyeliner and glitter. “Okay, what the hell are you wearing?”

  “It’s Halloween!” Milo smiled and walked over to the bed. Matilda growled at him, and I totally agreed with her.

  “What are you supposed to be? Some kind of dark fairy?” I sat up so I could inspect his costume, but it didn’t make much sense to me. Other than being entirely black, there wasn’t any rhyme or reason to it.

  “No,” Milo laughed. “I just wanted to wear wings, and black is Halloween-y. And slimming.”

  “Oh my god, I can’t believe I didn’t know you were gay growing up,” I flopped back down on the bed. Every holiday ever was an excuse for Milo to dress up. The signs were ridiculously obvious when I thought about it.

  “You can be a little slow sometimes,” he agreed. “Now come on. Get out of bed and get ready. We’re going out!”

  “I can’t go out,” I said. “Jack’s not home.”

  “I’m pretty sure you’ve left the house without Jack before.” He sat down on the edge of the bed next to me. “And it’s a holiday. You can’t stay cooped up in your room forever.”

  “Maybe not, but I can’t leave with Jack still gone. It doesn’t feel right.”

  “He’ll be home soon,” Milo said without conviction. “Or maybe he won’t. I don’t really know. But either way, you can’t just stay here until he gets back.”

  “I can’t go out! That’s like… I don’t know. S
acrilegious or something.” I looked over at him. “I mean, he left me here to punish me. So I should be properly punished.”

  “Jack doesn’t punish anyone. That’s not how he works,” he waved off the idea. “He just needed time to clear his head, and he’s giving you time to clear yours too. Since you can’t seem to stop kissing his brother, I’m sure he thinks you need time to make up your mind about what you really want.”

  “I have made up my mind!”

  “Well, good, then you have time to go out with us!” Milo said brightly. “So come on! Get up! Get dressed! Let’s dance!”

  “No, I really can’t,” I repeated. “Not until Jack comes back. I just have to stay here and wait for him.”

  “What if he never comes back?” Milo asked, and I shot him a glare. “Sorry. But you know, what if it’s a really long time?”

  “Then I’ll just wait forever if I have to,” I decided. “I’ll be like Snow White, and you can just put me in one of those glass cases until Jack comes and gives me true love’s kiss.”

  “Oh, Snow White, that’s a good costume for you.” He touched my hair. “With your pale skin and dark hair, we could totally make that work.”

  “Milo!” I groaned.

  “Is she coming with?” Bobby asked, appearing in the doorway behind Milo. He was wearing a white shirt, unbuttoned down his chest, with a black vest and tight pants. I was about to guess for some kind of pirate, and then I saw the laser blaster in his belt.

  “Are you Han Solo?” I raised my eyebrow at him.

  “Yeah, I wanted him to be Princess Leia, but he wouldn’t go for it,” Bobby gave Milo a pouty look, and I was momentarily relieved that Jack wasn’t around so he couldn’t try out that exact idea on me. Then I realized that Jack wasn’t here, and I got sad again.

  “I am not going to wear a gold bikini,” Milo said. “Even I’m not gay enough for that!”

  “So you’re like half a costume?” I asked Bobby.

  “Yeah, I was gonna be Andy Warhol, but I looked really terrible with the white wig. My complexion is all wrong for it,” Bobby gestured to his skin, then an idea dawned on him, and he smiled wickedly at me. “Hey, if you don’t have a costume, you could always go as Leia!”