The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes

by E. Henry Thripshaw

  Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

  The girlfriend says, “According to the picture it’s a giant hen.”

  The boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. When he arrives the girlfriend has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a giant hen. So let’s forget about the jigsaw and have a nice cup of tea.”

  “And then,” he says with a deep sigh, “we’re going to put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

  A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?

  The blonde, because she’s eighteen.

  What do you get when a naked blonde does a handstand?

  A brunette with very bad breath.

  A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and grant him three wishes. He makes his three wishes and the blonde genies vanish. Suddenly he finds himself in a bedroom in a fabulous mansion, surrounded by a bevy of stunningly beautiful women. He makes love to all of them.

  The following morning he starts to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something rustling under his feet. He looks down and notices the foor is covered in £50 notes. Next, there is a knock at the door, so he answers it! Standing outside are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfts. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb and hang him by the neck until dead.

  As the Klansmen are walking away they remove their hoods, revealing their true identities as the two blonde genies of the lamp. One blonde genie says to the other, “I can understand his first wish . . . banging all those beautiful women in a big mansion, etc. I also get the bit about him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.”

  BREASTS

  Women don’t care how big your penis is. They would, except they’re too busy worrying about the size of their tits.

  Why is the part of a woman between her hips and her breasts called a waist?

  Because they could have easily fitted in another pair of tits there.

  What are the small bumps around a woman’s’ nipples for?

  They are Braille for “suck here”.

  An old man was lying on the beach next to a voluptuous young girl in a bikini. “Excuse me,” the old man said to her. “Would you mind if I feel your tits?”

  “Clear off, you old pervert!” she replied.

  “I will give you ten quid if you let me feel your tits,” he said.

  “£10, are you mad!? Get away from me!”

  “Okay I’ll give you £100 if you let me feel your tits,” he persisted.

  “NO! Get away from me!”

  “£200,” he offered.

  She paused to think about it for a couple of seconds, but then came to her senses and said, “I said NO!”

  “£500 if you let me feel your tits,” he continued. At this point she thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough, and £500 IS a lot of money, and it might be the only way to get rid of him.

  “Well, okay,” she said, “but only for a minute.”

  She loosened her bikini top and while both of them are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to cop a feel. Then the old man started to moan, “OH MY GOD . . . OH MY GOD . . . OH MY GOD,” all the time he was caressing her tits.

  She asked him, “Er . . . if you don’t mind me asking, why do you keep saying, ‘Oh my God, oh my God’?”

  He went on feeling her tits and said, “OH MY GOD . . . OH MY GOD . . . OH MY GOD . . . OH MY GOD, where am I going to get £500?”

  A magazine article listing the top ten of the most painful things women endure says that the worst is having your nipples clamped. Surely having them towed away is worse?

  Ten Signs that Your Son has Outgrown Breastfeeding

  1 He opens your blouse by himself.

  2 While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

  3 He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

  4 He keeps slipping fivers in your belt.

  5 He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

  6 Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

  7 After each feeding he lights up a cigarette.

  8 He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

  9 You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to country music.

  10 Beard abrasions on your areola.

  How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

  Put a nipple on it.

  A woman comes home after visiting the hospital. Her husband looks her up and down and says, “You seem very pleased with yourself. What’s up?”

  His wife replies, “Actually I have good reason to look pleased. I just came back from having a mammogram and the doctor said not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.”

  The husband asks, “What did he say about your fifty-two-year-old arse?”

  “No,” she replies, “he never mentioned you”.

  BROTHELS

  A man is walking through Soho when it suddenly starts raining so he takes shelter in a clip joint, paying £50 to get in. Once inside he finds himself confronted by three doors. They read “Blonde”, “Brunette” and “Black”.

  He chooses “Blonde”, only to be confronted by three more doors, this time reading “Small Tits”, “Medium Tits” and “Big Tits”.

  This time he chooses “Big Tits”, only to be again confronted by three more doors reading “Large Cunt”, “Tight Cunt” and “Wet Cunt”.

  Somewhat excited now, he chooses “Wet Cunt”, pushes his way through the door, and finds himself back outside in the rain.

  Why does a single-storey brothel usually make more money than a two-storey brothel?

  Because there’s no fucking overhead.

  A young man was in town looking for some action with the ladies. A taxi driver gave him an address. “Take this. You’ll find everything you want there.”

  When the young man arrived at the address he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted. “I want to get screwed,” said the young man.

  “Okay, but this is a private club. Slide twenty quid in the slot as an initiation fee,” answered the voice.

  The young man slid a £20 note in the slot, the panel closed. Ten minutes passed and nothing happened. He began to pound on the door. Eventually the panel slid open.

  “Excuse me,” said the young man, “I want to get screwed!”

  “What?” said the voice, “Again?”

  A man walks into a brothel and tells one of the girls he wants a blow job. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds to suck him off without a condom. While she does so, he sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.

  He disregards this unsettling sight as he enjoys the best blow job of his life and shoots his load into her mouth. Instead of swallowing, she promptly spits the semen into the bucket.

  “I get it,” says the punter. “You don’t like swallowing, eh?”

  She wipes her mouth and replies, “Actually, I have a bet with one of the other girls. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets.”

  This guy is feeling really horny, so he walks into a brothel to get himself a good seeing-to. Once inside he remembers that he’s a bit short of cash so he says to the mistress: “I only have £5, can you help me out?”

  The lady says: “Okay, go down the corridor and take the door on the right.” The guy goes in through the door and sees a chicken sitting on a table. He is very disappointed but has a raging hard-on so he figures, “What the hell – you get what you pay for!” and he fucks that chicken senseless. There are feathers flying everywh
ere.

  A week later he returns to the brothel and says to the madam: “Listen, lady, I’ve only got £2 today. Is there anything at all you can do for me?”

  The madam replies, “Go down the corridor and take the door on the left.”

  So the guy goes in through the door on the left and finds a bunch of guys staring through a two-way mirror at two lesbians having sex.

  “This has got to be the bargain of the century,” he says to the other guys. “Only two quid for this!”

  One of the men turns to him and says, “Yes, but you should have been here last week – there was guy in there fucking a chicken.”

  A teenager gets £50 for his eighteenth birthday from his dad, who tells him to go and get himself sorted with a prostitute from the local brothel.

  “But remember,” says his dad, “get any slut except Sandpaper Sally.”

  The teenager thanks his dad and heads for the brothel. When he gets there he discovers that all of the girls are busy except for Sandpaper Sally, so he decides to come back later. After about an hour, he returns, but yet again the only girl available is Sandpaper Sally. “Okay,” he says to himself, “screw it, I am not waiting any longer, I’ll take my chances with her.”

  A couple of minutes after penetration he discovers that his dick is as sore as hell. “Owww!” he complains. “That really hurts!”

  She replies, “Hang on a minute.” So she goes to the bathroom for about ten minutes then comes out. They start having sex again. “Wow,” says the teenager, “that feels much better. How do you do it?”

  “Oh,” she replies, “I just picked my scabs.”

  A lorry driver from Birmingham who has been driving around Europe for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Amsterdam. He walks straight up to the madam, drops £300 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich.”

  The madam is astonished. “For that kind of money you could have one of my best girls and a three-course meal.”

  The driver replies, “I’m not horny, I’m just homesick.”

  What do you call children born in whorehouses?

  Brothel sprouts.

  One day at the brothel, the girls are surprised to see a young boy enter, aged about nine. In his hand is a length of string, which is fastened around the neck of what appears to be a lifeless frog. The boy picks the frog up and places the deceased amphibian on to the counter, and says, “I want a bitch with herpes.”

  The madam is flabbergasted. “I beg your pardon?”

  “I said ‘I want a bitch with herpes’,” replies the child.

  “Well, I’m afraid we don’t have any ladies that ft that description,” says the madam.

  “I want a bitch with herpes and I am not leaving until I get a bitch with herpes,” says the boy, placing £1,000 on the counter, next to the dead frog.

  The madam considers her options for a while and sends for one of her many venereally challenged sluts. The boy follows the girl to her room, his dead frog trailing behind him. After an hour or so of Lord knows what, the boy returns to the counter, frog in tow, to thank the madam. She takes this opportunity to ask the question that had been puzzling her for the previous hour, “Why did you want a whore with herpes?”

  “Well,” explains the boy, “my parents are going out tonight. In the evening I’m going to shag my babysitter. When my dad drives her back home, he’s going to shag her. Then he’s going home to shag mum. In the morning she’s going to shag the milkman. He’s going to shag his wife, she’s going to shag her boss, he’s going to fuck his wife, my English teacher, and she’s going to fuck my headmaster. And he’s the cunt who killed my frog!”

  BUILDERS

  What was the difference between Joseph Fritzl and Fred West?

  One supported his victims in the cellar, the other supported the cellar with his victims.

  Two builders went into the bar after a hard day’s work. They had been sitting drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walked in and ordered a beer. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.

  “I’ll bet he’s a banker,” said the first builder.

  “Looks more like a hedge fund manager to me,” argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a while until eventually the first builder went to use the toilet, where he saw the smartly dressed man standing at the urinal.

  “Excuse me, but me and my mate have been arguing over what a smartly dressed bloke like you might do for a living?” the builder said to the man.

  The man replied, smiling, “I’m a logician.”

  “A what?” asked the builder.

  “Let me explain,” the man continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?”

  A bit puzzled, the builder replied, “Yes, I do, as it happens.”

  “Well, then it’s logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?”

  “A pond,” the builder replied.

  “Well, then it’s logical to assume that you have a big garden.” The builder nodded his agreement. The man continued, “Which means that it is quite logical to assume you have a large house.”

  “Yep, I have a six-bedroom house I built myself,” the builder said proudly.

  “Okay, given that you have such a large house, it is also logical to assume that you have a wife.”

  The builder nodded again, “Yes, I’m married and we have four kids.”

  “Then it’s logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life.”

  “Five nights a week!” the builder boasted.

  The man smiled, “Therefore it’s logical to assume you don’t masturbate often.”

  “Never!” the builder exclaimed.

  “Well, there you have it,” the man explained. “That’s logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I’ve discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!”

  The builder left, hugely impressed. When he returned to the bar the other builder asked, “Did you find out what he does?”

  “Yeah,” replied the first, “he’s a logician.”

  “A what?” the puzzled second builder asked.

  “Let me explain,” the first builder continued. “Do you have a goldfish at home?”

  “No,” replied his mate.

  “Well, you’re a wanker, then!”

  A young family moved into a house on a new housing estate next door to a vacant building plot. A couple of weeks later a gang of construction workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family’s five-year-old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and sat on her garden swing, watching the workers. They got to know her name and by the end of the summer they more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her her very own little hard hat and visibility vest.

  One Friday they gave her a little wages envelope containing £2 in 10p coins. The little girl took her pay home to her mum, who suggested that they take the money she had earned to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

  When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink by the story of the little girl and her job on the building site and her little pay packet. “You must have worked very hard to earn all this,” said the bank cashier.

  The little girl replied, “I worked all last week with the men building a big house.”

  “Goodness me,” said the cashier. “And will you be working on the house again this week as well?”

  The little girl thought for a moment and said. “I think so. Provided those cunts at Jewson deliver the fucking bricks.”

  A builder goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’m constipated.”

  The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, “Lean over the table.” The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks hi
m on the arse with a cricket bat and then sends him into the bathroom.

  He comes out a few minutes later and says, “Doc, I feel great. What should I do?”

  The doctor replies, “Stop wiping your arse with cement bags.”

  Fred West’s daughter was trying on a new dress. She said: “Dad, does this look good on me?’”

  “Yes, it’s lovely!” Fred replied. “But then again, you’d look good in a bin bag.”

  BURNS VICTIMS

  How do burns victims pick their noses?

  From a catalogue.

  What’s black and peeps through a letterbox?

  An agoraphobic in a house fire.

  What’s charred and stands between two sticks?

  A burnt cripple.

  I saw the most horrific film ever last night. It was about a little boy who accidentally knocked over a kettle and scalded himself with hot tea and suffered terrible third degree burns. It should have had a PG rating.

  Build a man a fire and he’s warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life.

  The Australian entertainer Rolf Harris was asked to leave the scene of the Australian bushfire as he was causing some distress to mourners at the scene. According to press reports, he was seen pulling the charred remains from the smouldering ashes and asking onlookers, “Can you guess what it is yet?”

  Say what you like about burns victims, but they always stick together.

  Do burns victims get a discount if they’re cremated?

  CANADIANS

  Ten Reasons Why it’s Great to Be Canadian

  1 It beats being American.