The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes

by E. Henry Thripshaw

  2 You belong to the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

  3 Yo u can play hockey twelve months a year, outdoors.

  4 You belong to the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

  5 Where else can you travel 1,000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

  6 A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/ her popularity ratings will rise.

  7 You belong to the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

  8 You get to kill grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.

  9 Own-an-Eskimo scheme.

  10 You belong to the only country that has successfully invaded the US and burnt its capital to the ground.

  CANCER

  A woman who discovers that she has terminal cancer turns to God and becomes a born-again Christian. Early in her sickness, a surgeon proposes radical surgery. “No,” she tells him, “I don’t want to be mutilated and suffer unnecessary pain. God will help me.”

  A few weeks later, she sees a radiologist who proposes radiation to treat her rapidly growing tumour. “No,” she says, “I don’t want radiation burns inside and out. It’s not necessary. God will help me.”

  A few weeks later she is referred to an oncologist; chemotherapy is advised. “No,” she says, “I don’t want to be sick all the time and lose my hair. God will help me.”

  Soon after, she dies. She goes to Heaven and demands an audience with God. “Why didn’t you help me?” she whines.

  “What? I sent you help three times: a surgeon, a radiologist and an oncologist. What more did you fucking want?”

  I got thrown out of the cancer ward in the local hospital yesterday. Apparently laughter isn’t the best medicine.

  A woman goes to her doctor with a swollen abdomen. The doctor examines her and says: “How’s your appetite?”

  “I’m eating well, thanks doctor.”

  “Well, that’s only natural . . . now that you are eating for two,” replied the doctor.

  The woman was overjoyed. “Me and my baby?” “No – you and your fast-growing tumour.”

  My wife is forever saying I don’t pay her any attention. So yesterday I was expecting brownie points when I said, “Have you had your hair done, dear? You look different.” She went ballistic. I won’t forget she’s having chemotherapy again in a hurry.

  What’s the best thing about having cancer?

  Quicker showers.

  A young man went to his doctor for a routine check-up. When he came back in for the results, the doctor said gravely, “I think you’d better sit down. I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”

  “Okay, doctor,” said the young man. “Give me the bad news first.”

  “Well,” said the doctor, “you have cancer. It’s spreading at an unbelievably rapid rate, it’s totally inoperable and you’ve about three weeks to live.”

  “Jesus,” said the young patient, wiping a bead of sweat off his brow. “What’s the good news?”

  “You know that receptionist out in the front office? The one with the big tits and the long blonde hair? Well,” said the doctor, leaning forward with a grin, “I’m shagging her.”

  What’s the best thing about dating a girl who is having chemotherapy?

  You don’t have to hold her hair back when she throws up.

  A woman visits her doctor complaining of a swelling in her lower abdomen.

  The doctor examines her and says, “Well, I can tell you that you’ll need to be buying lots of nappies in about nine months’ time.”

  “This is wonderful news – am I pregnant?”

  “No, you have bowel cancer.”

  A cancer victim walks into a bar. The barman says, “So, what’ll you be having?”

  He replies, “A malignant tumour eating away my decrepit body.”

  They say time is a great healer. Unless you have terminal cancer.

  Doctor: “I’m afraid the tests show that your cancer is advanced. You have six months to live.”

  Patient: “But, doctor, I can’t pay off my private medical bills in six months.”

  Doctor: “In that case, you have another six months.”

  An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Not if you have leukaemia.

  Why did the cancer victim cross the road?

  He was hoping to get hit by a truck.

  A sixteen-year-old girl goes to see her doctor for a check-up. She complains, “Doctor, every other girl my age has large breasts but I never seemed to develop. Are they ever going to get bigger?”

  “Actually,” the doctor replies, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that your breasts should start growing in the next few weeks.”

  “Oh, that’s great!” the girl replies. “What’s the bad news?”

  “The tumour is malignant.”

  Say what you like about cancer. It’s still the best way for bald kids to meet sports stars.

  I have just received the devastating news that my girlfriend has terminal cancer and the doctor has given her less than nine months to live. On the bright side, at least I don’t have to worry now about getting her pregnant.

  Why is a beetroot like prostate cancer?

  It turns your piss red.

  My mother told me she was dying from cancer. I told her not to worry: those horoscopes usually get it wrong.

  A man goes to the doctor’s for his test results. The doctor says, “I’m afraid you have cancer. You only have six months left to live.”

  “God, no!” says the man, “What can I do?”

  The doctor says, “I recommend you move to Stoke-on-Trent, marry a fat lass and start supporting Port Vale.”

  “Will that cure me?” says the man.

  “No,” says the doctor, “but it will make the six months seem a lot longer.”

  A doctor calls a patient to report on a bone scan and biopsy. The patient is out so the doctor leaves a message to call. As usual, no medical details are left.

  After a day of missing each other on the phone the doctor and the patient finally get together. Says the doctor in a matter of fact voice, “I have good news and bad news. Which will you have first?”

  “The good news.”

  “Okay. The reports say that your cancer has spread and that you have forty-eight hours to live.”

  “You call that good news? It must be the bad news. What could possibly be worse?”

  “Well, the bad news is that I’ve been trying to call you since yesterday.”

  I’ll never forget the day my wife was diagnosed with cancer. She never bloody well shuts up about it.

  CANNIBALS

  What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

  He wiped his arse.

  Did you hear about the cannibal who turned up late for lunch?

  They gave him the cold shoulder.

  Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

  “Does this taste funny to you?”

  A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman are captured by cannibals. The cannibal chief says, “The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill and eat you. We will put you in a pot and cook you and then after we have eaten you we’ll use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”

  The Frenchman says, “I choose to die by the sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman cries, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.

  The Englishman says, “A pistol for me, please.” The chief hands him a gun, the Englishman points it at his head, saying, “God save the Queen!” and blows his brains out.

  The Irishman says, “Give me a fork.” The chief is baffled, but shrugs and hands him a fork. The Irishman takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over, shouting: “So much for your fucking canoe, suckers!”

  What is the definition of trust?

&nbs
p; Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

  “Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the woods?”

  Two cannibals, a father and son, were sent by their tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited behind a tree. After a while along came a little old man. The son said, “Dad, there’s one.”

  “No,” said the father. “There’s not enough meat on that one even to feed the dogs. We’ll wait.”

  A little while later, along came this really fat guy. The son said, “Dad, let’s eat the bastard.”

  “No,” the father said. “We’d all die of a heart attack from the cholesterol in that one. We’ll wait.”

  About an hour later, along comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, “Now, there’s nothing wrong with that one, dad. Let’s eat her.”

  “No,” said the father. “We’ll not eat her either.”

  “Why not?” asked the son.

  “We’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother.”

  What did Hannibal Lecter say about Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera?

  “Mmmm . . . pop-tarts!”

  CARS

  A Mini Cooper with dark tinted windows pulls up next to a Rolls Royce at a red light. The Mini driver rolls down his window and asks the Rolls Royce driver, “You got a telephone in that Roller?”

  “As a matter of fact I do, right here on the seat beside me,” says the Roller driver.

  “Me too,” says the Mini driver. “You got a TV in that Roller?”

  The Roller driver replies: “Yes I do, right here on the dash.”

  “Me too,” says the Mini driver. “You got a twin bed in the back seat?”

  The Roller driver replies: “Er . . . no.”

  “I do,” says the Mini driver, just as the light turns green and he shoots off. The Rolls Royce driver makes a note of the registration number then heads straight to the nearest Rolls Royce dealer. “Yes,” the dealership assistant tells him, “we do carry and can install a twin bed in the rear seat of your car.” So, after about a week the Roller driver picks up his car with the newly installed twin bed.

  A couple of days later he spots the Mini Cooper in a car park. He gets out of his car, walks over to the Mini and starts rapping on the back window.

  No response. He raps on the window again. No response, so he raps some more. The window lowers a couple of inches and the Mini driver says, “Yes?”

  “Remember me?” says the Roller driver. “I just wanted you to know that I have a twin bed in the back seat of my Roller now.”

  The Mini driver frowns and says: “You get me out of the fucking shower just to tell me that?”

  Why do men pay more for car insurance?

  Because women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving.

  It was our wedding anniversary and my wife demanded I take her somewhere expensive. So I took her to a gas station.

  A little boy is walking down the street after school when a car slows down and pulls up alongside him. The window goes down and a man from inside says, “Hey do you want to get in the car with me?”

  The little boy looks at him then quickens his step. A couple of minutes later, further down the road, the car pulls up again. The window goes down: “I’ll give you a bag of sweets if you get in the car with me.”

  The little boy ignores him again and hurries on. A couple of hundred yards down the road, the car pulls up and the window goes down again. The man says, “I’ll give you £10 and two bags of sweets if you get in the car with me.”

  The little boy stops. He looks at the man and says, “Dad, you bought the Rover, live with it!”

  What’s the difference between a Jehovah’s Witness and a Rover?

  You can shut the door on a Jehovah’s Witness.

  Two old women were driving through town. They came to a set of traffic lights on red, but they just sailed through without stopping. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: “I could have sworn we just went through a red light!”

  After a couple more minutes they came to another set of traffic lights on red and sailed through. Again, the old woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red and was getting nervous but said nothing.

  At the next set of lights, sure enough, the light was red and they sailed through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Ethel, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

  Ethel turned to her and said, “Shit . . . am I driving?”

  Petrol is so expensive these days, I can’t afford to use my car. In fact, the last time I went dogging, I had to ask my mum to give me a lift.

  An elderly man is driving down the M1 when his mobile rings. Answering it, he hears his wife on the other end. “Derek,” she says, “please be careful when you’re driving back. I just heard on the radio that there’s a maniac on the M1 near Luton. He’s driving the wrong way!”

  “It’s not just one,” Derek replies. “There’s fucking hundreds of them!”

  CATS

  A sadist, a masochist, a psychopath, a necrophiliac, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

  “How about having sex with a cat?” says the zoophile.

  “Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.

  “Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouts the psychopath.

  “Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” says the necrophiliac.

  “Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” says the pyromaniac.

  Everyone turns to the masochist and asked: “So, what’s it going to be?”

  The masochist replies, “Miaow.”

  When I was a small child my kitten died, so my mum went out and bought an identical replacement, hoping that I wouldn’t realize. But I did. And I killed that one as well.

  Curiosity killed the cat, but I was curious to see what it would look like if I hit it with a hammer.

  “Cats have nine lives, which of course makes them perfect for animal experimentation. But I was wondering, does a radioactive cat have eighteen half-lives?”

  A man hates his wife’s cat so much that the next time she is out shopping he secretly drives to the next town and dumps it. He can’t believe his eyes when he gets home and finds the cat sitting outside the front door. A couple of days later his wife goes out shopping again, so he drives fifty miles and dumps the cat on the motorway. When he gets home, to his amazement, the cat is sitting outside the front door. This goes on for a couple of weeks, then one day he drives 200 miles and dumps the cat on the other side of the country. A couple of hours later he rings his wife and asks, “Is the cat home?”

  “Yes, why?” asks his wife.

  “Put the little bastard on the phone,” he says, “I’m lost.”

  What do you do if a kitten spits at you?

  Turn the grill down.

  How do you make a cat flap?

  Throw it off a cliff.

  Two female cats are sitting on the fence when a really good-looking tom walks by and winks at them. “Did you see that?” one of the cats says. “I wouldn’t mind sharing a dead mouse with him!”

  “Oh, forget about him,” her friend tells her. “I went out with him once, and all he did was go on and on about his fucking operation.”

  A little boy was at the supermarket checkout with a huge box of detergent. The checkout girl, trying to be friendly, asked him he had a lot of laundry to do.

  “Not laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my kitten.”

  “You shouldn’t use this to wash your kitten. It is very powerful and if you wash your cat in this, you’ll make him very ill. You might even kill him.”

  Nevertheless the little boy paid for his box of detergent and went on his way. A couple of weeks later the little boy was b
ack in the supermarket buying some chocolate. The checkout girl asked the boy how his kitten was doing.

  “Oh, he died,” the boy said.

  “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your kitten.”

  The little boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. How did he die?”

  “Dunno,” says the boy, “but I think it might have been the spin cycle.”

  I bought a “Bag For Life” from Tesco. They are so much better for drowning kittens than normal bin bags.

  Little Jimmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What goes on there, Jimmy?”

  “My goldfish died,” replied Jimmy tearfully, “and I’ve just buried him.”

  The neighbour was perplexed. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

  Jimmy patted down the last heap of earth. “Yes it is,” he replied. “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

  CHAVS

  What do you say to a chav when he’s at work?

  “Big Mac and fries, please.”

  What do you call a chav in a suit?

  The accused.

  What do you call a chav in a white shell suit?

  The bride.

  Two chavs in a car without any music – who’s driving?

  The police.

  What do you call a thirty-year-old female chav?

  Granny.

  How do you know if you’re definitely a chav?

  You let your fifteen-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her children.