The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes

by E. Henry Thripshaw

  “Oh no!” said mother superior. “How desperately unfortunate! However I’m still not sure that this misfortune was suffcient to make you blaspheme, sister?”

  “Oh no, no, that wasn’t it,” said the sister. “When I went for my ball and was trying to figure out what my next shot should be, a squirrel shot out of the woods, picked up my ball and ran off down the fairway!”

  “Now that would test even my patience!” agreed mother superior. “But I trust it didn’t make you blaspheme, sister!”

  “No, I didn’t, mother superior!” continued the sister. “I was actually wondering whether this might be a sign from God, the ball being much closer to the green and all. Just then, this eagle swooped down, grabbed the squirrel and few off, with my ball still in the squirrel’s paws!”

  “Ah, I see! That’s when you took the Lord’s name in vain,” nodded mother superior.

  “No, not really, that wasn’t it either,” sobbed the sister. “Just as the hawk started to fy out of sight, the squirrel struggled free and the hawk dropped him right on the green. The ball dropped out of the squirrel’s paws and rolled to within about two feet of the hole!”

  Mother superior sat up in her chair, leaned forward and fxed the sister with her hardest stare and said, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

  What goes black white red, black white red?

  A nun on her period doing cartwheels.

  Two nuns are cycling down the road. One turns to the other, saying, “I’ve never come this way before.”

  Her friend replies, “Me neither, it must be the cobblestones.”

  A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara on a camel. On the third day of their journey, the camel suddenly fell dead from exhaustion. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest considered their predicament. After a prolonged period of silence, the priest said: “Well, sister, I have to say that the situation looks pretty grim.”

  “I know, father,” the nun replied. “In fact, I don’t think it is likely that we can survive more than a couple of days.”

  “I agree,” said the priest. “Sister, since you and I are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”

  “Anything, father.”

  “I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.”

  “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”

  The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts. “Sister, would you mind if I touched them?”

  She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

  “Father, could I ask something of you?”

  “Yes, sister?”

  “I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”

  “I think, in the circumstances, that would be okay,” the priest replied, unzipping his trousers.

  “Father, do you mind if I touch it?” The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

  “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”

  “Is that true, father?”

  “Yes it is, sister.”

  “Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s arse so we can get the fuck out of here?”

  What is black and white and screams, “YES! YES! YES!”?

  A nun winning at bingo.

  A nun hails a taxi and climbs in. At the end of her journey she confesses that she isn’t carrying any money. The driver observes her thoughtfully through the rear-view mirror. “You know, sister,” the taxi driver says, “I hope you aren’t too offended, but I’ve always had this fantasy of getting a blow job from a nun.”

  The nun thinks for a moment and says, “I’m not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you are single, and two, that you are Catholic.”

  “Oh yes, sister, I am single and Catholic,” the driver replies, so the nun proceeds to satisfy the cabbie orally.

  After they’re finished, the driver starts laughing. “What’s so funny?” the nun asks.

  “I fooled you, sister. The truth is, I’m really married and I’m Jewish!”

  “That’s okay,” the nun replies. “My name is Frank and I’m on my way to a fancy dress party.”

  Sister Mary Katherine entered an order called the Monastery of Silence. Upon her arrival, the priest said, “Sister, this is a silent order. You are very welcome here for as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”

  Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for seven years before the priest said to her one day, “Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for seven years. You are allowed to say two words.”

  Sister Mary Katherine replied, “Hard bed.”

  “I’m very sorry to hear that,” the priest said. “We will get you a better bed.”

  After another seven years, Sister Mary Katherine was called upon by the priest. “Sister, you have been here for fourteen years. You are now allowed to speak two more words.”

  “Cold food,” replied Sister Mary Katherine. The priest assured her that the food would be warm in the future.

  On the twenty-first anniversary of her arrival at the monastery, the priest again called upon Sister Mary Katherine. “You may say two more words today, sister.”

  “I quit,” said Sister Mary Katherine.

  “It’s probably for the best,” said the priest. “You’ve done fuck all but moan ever since you got here.”

  A coach load of nuns are travelling along a dangerous mountain road to Lourdes when the coach brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and it crashes down into a ravine where it explodes. All of the passengers are killed instantly. The nuns arrive at the entrance to Heaven, where they meet St Peter, who is standing next to a font filled with holy water. St Peter greets the nuns and asks the first in line, “Is any aspect of you impure in some way?”

  The first nun replies hesitantly, “Well, I did once see a man’s penis.”

  St Peter tells her not to worry as the holy water will purify her vision. He then splashes holy water on to her eyes and allows her through the pearly gates.

  He asks the second nun the same thing and she replies, “I did once touch a man’s penis.” St Peter then purifes her vision and dips her hands in the holy water to purify her touch and then allows her through the pearly gates.

  St Peter is just about to interrogate the third nun when a nun at the back barges through to the front of the queue, looking very fustered.

  St Peter asks, “Is there a problem, sister?”

  The nun replies, “No worries, I just want to make sure I gargle before Sister Susan dips her arse in it.”

  A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary very late one evening when their car breaks down. The nearest garage is shut and doesn’t open until morning so they decide they have no option but to spend the night in a bed and breakfast. When they get there they are told that there is only one double room available.

  The priest says: “Sister, I don’t think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I’ll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed.”

  “I think that would be fine,” agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep. Ten minutes later the nun says: “Father, I’m very cold.”

  “No problem, sister,” says the priest, “I’ll get a blanket from the cupboard.”

  Another ten minutes later the nun says again: “Father, I’m still very cold.”

  The priest replies: “Don’t worry sister, I’ll get up and fetch you another blanket.”

  Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: “Father, it’s still very cold. I don’t think the good Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for one night.”

  “You’re right,” says the priest. “Get your own fucking blankets.”

  Mother superior called all the nuns together and said to them, “I have to i
nform you that we have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.”

  “Praise be,” said an elderly nun at the back. “I’m sick to death of chardonnay.”

  A small town has a monastery at one end and a convent at the other. The nuns need some supplies, so one of the priests is sent to deliver them. It’s a nice day, so he decides to walk the supplies over. As he gets to the edge of town, a prostitute approaches him and asks, “Excuse me, father, fancy a blow job, £25?”

  The priest says, “What’s a blow job?” - at which the prostitute laughis and walks away. In the middle of town another girl approaches the priest and asks the same question, with the same result. At the other end of town, a third hooker asks the priest the same question, to which he again replies, “What’s a blow job?” And, again, she laughis and walks off.

  Finally the priest reaches the convent, knocks on the door, and delivers the supplies. Before he leaves, he says to the mother superior, “May I ask you a question, sister?”

  “Of course,” she says.

  “What’s a blow job?”

  “£25,” replies mother superior, “the same as in town.”

  NYMPHOMANIA

  I went out with this girl who was a nymphomaniac kleptomaniac. The bitch stole all my condoms.

  “Doctor,” the woman said to the psychiatrist, “everyone says I’m a nymphomaniac.”

  “I understand,” said the shrink. “But I’ll be able to take better notes if you’ll let go of my cock.”

  Did you hear about the Mexican nymphomaniac?

  She had Juan too many.

  OBESITY

  A man was driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he was pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?”

  “No. Why?” replies the man. “I’m sure I wasn’t weaving all over the road, was I?”

  “No,” replies the officer, “you were driving superbly. It was the fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious.”

  How do you fuck a fat lass?

  Roll her in four then go for the wet spot.

  What do fat people do in the summer? Stink.

  How do you know when your date is too fat? Your car has stretch marks.

  How do you tell if a girl is too fat to fuck?

  When you pull her knickers down and her arse is still in them.

  How do you know when your woman is too fat? When she needs an hour to take a shit, including forty-fve minutes just to align her arse to the toilet bowl.

  How do you get a fat girl into bed?

  A piece of cake!

  A friend of mine was a chubby chaser – he was really into very fat women. He went to a bar one night and saw a fat bird walk in. He went over to chat to her and they ended up back at her house and he sweet talked his way into her bed. They started shagging away, and after a while he says, “Can we turn the light off, please?”

  “Why,” said the fat bird, “am I that ugly?”

  “No,” he replied. “It’s just that I keep burning my arse on the light bulb.”

  How can you tell when your girlfriend is too fat?

  When she sits on your face and you can’t hear the stereo.

  Why do meat and potato pies have holes in the top?

  So people from Wigan can carry four in one hand.

  Why did God invent alcohol?

  So fat women can get laid too.

  How do you find a fat girl’s muff?

  Flip through the folds until you smell shit, then go back one.

  My wife keeps telling me that obesity runs in her family. It must be the only thing that does.

  “My wife doesn’t like the second-hand car I got her. The ungrateful bitch said she wants something that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds. So I bought her a set of bathroom scales.”

  I decided to burn some calories today. So I set a fat kid on fre.

  The average obese child is expected to die at the age of ffty-four. That’s the pension crisis sorted then.

  My wife looks as if she has been poured into her clothes. And had forgotten to say “when”.

  My wife is a light eater. As soon as it is light, she starts eating.

  An overweight housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen foor, when she suddenly shouts to her husband, “Help! Frank! I’m paralysed! I can’t get up!”

  Her husband runs into the kitchen, takes a look, and says, “Stand up, you stupid bitch. You’re kneeling on one of your tits.”

  I was looking at my girl this morning and I said, “You know, there are three things I really don’t like about you . . .”

  “Oh, really? What are they?” she asked.

  “Your chin.”

  What do you call an obese Chinaman?

  A chunk.

  I broke up with my girlfriend because she lied about her weight. When I say that, she died in a bungee-jumping accident when the elastic snapped.

  Why are fat girls and mopeds alike?

  They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out about it.

  My wife told me she thought it would be very romantic if, when she dies, she could be buried in her wedding dress. I said, “You’d better hope you die of some kind of wasting disease then.”

  I asked this young boy, “Which is your favourite Telly Tubby?”

  He replied, “Probably the new Samsung 42-inch LCD, you patronizing twat.”

  A fat bird walks into a pub and shouts, “If anyone can guess my weight, they can shag me.”

  A man in the corner replies, “Ninety-three stone, you lardy-arsed bint.”

  She replies, “Close enough, you lucky bastard!”

  My wife said to me, “I don’t want you to think I have diabetes because I’m fat. I have diabetes because it runs in our family.”

  I replied, “No, darling, you have diabetes because no one runs in your family.”

  Doctors have confirmed that the actress Dawn French has the ebola fresh-eating disease. They have given her twenty-seven years to live.

  I think Dawn French is a great actress. It’s odd, because usually I can’t stand anything that Lenny Henry has been in.

  OLD AGE

  I’ll never forget finding my first grey pubic hair. I wouldn’t have minded, only it was in a kebab.

  An elderly man goes to see his doctor for a check-up. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, “Well, everything seems to be in reasonably good condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?”

  The man says, “No problem, me and God, we’re good. He takes care of me, you know.”

  “Really? How’s that?” says the doctor.

  “Every night when I have to get up to go to the toilet, he turns on the light for me and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.”

  Upon hearing this, the doctor is slightly baffed and calls the old man’s wife. “I’d like to speak to you about your husband’s connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the bathroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?”

  She replies: “The old fool, he’s been pissing in the fridge again.”

  Two old gentlemen in their eighties are sitting by the sea front at Blackpool, staring out to sea. After a couple of hours one says “You know what I fancy?”

  “No, what?” says his friend.

  “One of those ice creams with hundreds and thousands and a fake.”

  The other says: “Wait there, I’ll go and get two.”

  Four hours later, he returns, sits down and hands the other a paper bag. He puts in his hand and pulls out a saveloy.

  “What this?” he asks.

  “A steak and kidney pie.”

  “You useless old fool. You forgot the gravy.”

  What’s got 100 balls and fucks old ladies? Bingo.

  One morning an elderly man was out playing golf, when he hit his ball into the deep rough. While searching for the ball he came acr
oss a frog. The frog looked up at him and said: “Sir, if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” So the old man bent down, picked up the frog, put it into his pocket, and carried on looking for his ball.

  A few minutes later a voice from his pocket shouted, “Oi! I don’t think you heard me. I said, if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

  The old man replied, “No thanks. Frankly at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

  An old couple are at the doctor’s. The doctor says to the old man, “I need a urine sample, a faeces sample and a blood sample.”

  The old man says, “What?”

  The doctor repeats: “I need a urine sample, a faeces sample and a blood sample.”

  Once again, the old man says, “What?”

  So the doctor yells: “I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FAECES SAMPLE AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!”

  The old woman turns to her husband and says, “Bert, he wants your underpants.”

  Two old women are sitting in a cafe. One says to the other: “Did you come on the bus?”

  “Yes,” replies her friend. “But I made it look like an asthima attack.”

  What does an eighty-year-old woman have between her legs that a young woman doesn’t?

  Her tits.

  How do you know when you’re getting old? Your dreams are dry and your farts are wet.

  I was standing at a cashpoint machine when a frail old lady came up to and asked if I wouldn’t mind checking her balance.

  So I pushed her over.

  An old woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital. So I pushed her under a bus.

  What’s blue and screws old ladies? Hypothermia.