The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes

by E. Henry Thripshaw

  What stinks and smells of dog food?

  A pensioner’s fart.

  A man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, “You’re in amazing shape for a sixty-year-old.”

  The man replied testily, “Did I say anything about being sixty? Actually I’m seventy-fve.”

  “That’s amazing!” replied the doctor. “Do you mind me asking, by the way, how old was your father when he died?”

  The patient responded, “Hmmm! Did I say he was dead?”

  The doctor was surprised and asked, “How old is he and is he very active?”

  The patient replied, “Well, he is ninety-five years old and he still goes skiing three times a year and surfing three times a week during the summer.”

  The doctor couldn’t believe it. “I’m sorry . . . how old was your grandfather when he died?”

  The patient snapped back, “Did I say he was dead?”

  The doctor was astonished. “You mean to tell me you are seventy-five years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?”

  The patient said, “He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that,” said the patient, “my grandfather is 112 years old, and next week he is getting married again.”

  The doctor said, “At 112, why in God’s name would your grandfather want to get married?”

  The patient glared at the doctor and said, “Did I say he wanted to?”

  Two old women were eating breakfast one morning. One noticed something funny sticking out her friend’s ear. “Minnie, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

  Minnie answered, “I do? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it for a while. “Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

  Statistically, 91 per cent of old people believe that we show less respect to others than we did in the past. Stupid old fuckwits!

  Ninety-year-old Ethel was clinically depressed over the recent death of her husband, Frank. She was so despondent that she decided that she didn’t want to go on: she would just kill herself and join him in death. So she took out Frank’s old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Fearing that she might just miss the vital organ and become a debilitating burden on someone else, she called the NHS helpline to enquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The voice on the other end said, “Your heart is just below your left breast.” Later that night, poor Ethel was admitted to hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

  ORAL SEX

  One night, as a couple lay in bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, “I’m sorry, darling, I’ve got an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, feeling rejected, reluctantly turns over and tries to sleep.

  A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. “Er . . . I don’t suppose you’re seeing your dentist tomorrow, are you?”

  If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

  The swallow.

  Why is giving a woman oral sex like playing Monopoly?

  Because it may have seemed like a good idea at the start, but it always takes too long to finish.

  A man walks into a pub and says to the barman, “Line me up ten whiskies.”

  So the barman lines them up and the man gulips them down one after another. “Christ,” says the landlord. “What are you celebrating?”

  “My first blow job,” replies the man.

  “No shit!” says the landlord. “Have another one on the house.”

  “No thanks,” says the man. “If ten whiskies doesn’t get rid of the taste, another one won’t make any difference.”

  What do lobster thermidor and oral sex have in common?

  You can’t get either of them at home.

  There’s a sucker born every minute, but a swallower is harder to find.

  Three mates are chatting in the pub. One says: “My wife only lets me have sex once a week.” The second says: “Think yourself lucky. My wife only lets me have sex once a month.” The third says: “You’re both lucky. If my missus didn’t sleep with her mouth open I wouldn’t be getting any at all.”

  What is LXIX?

  Sixty-nine the Roman way.

  What’s an Australian kiss?

  The same as a French kiss, but down under.

  What is the definition of “Egghead”?

  Something Mrs Dumpty gives to Humpty.

  What’s the worst thing a mother can say to her child?

  I should have swallowed you when I had the chance.

  What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off?

  Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

  What has six legs and eats pussy?

  You, me and Martina Navratilova.

  What is the definition of a perfect male lover?

  A man with a nine-inch tongue who can breathe through his ears.

  How can you tell that you have an exceptionally high sperm count?

  Your date has to chew before she swallows.

  How is pubic hair like parsley?

  You push it to the side before you start eating.

  What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She choked.

  A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, apparently frying one of his socks in a pan. “What the hell are you doing?” he asks.

  “I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed, blind drunk,” she replies.

  Baffed, the man replies, “No way. I don’t remember asking you to cook my sock.”

  What is the worst thing about oral sex?

  The view.

  How is a vagina like a grapefruit?

  The best ones squirt when you eat them.

  What do you call the space between the vagina and the arsehole?

  The chin rest.

  When is an elf not an elf?

  When she’s sucking your cock, she’s a goblin.

  Why do men love blow jobs so much?

  They love any job they can lie back and watch a woman do.

  What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

  After a couple of years your job still sucks.

  A young courting couple are locked in a passionate embrace. He asks, “Can I have a blow job, please?”

  “No chance!” replies his girlfriend.

  “Why not?” he asks her.

  “Because you won’t respect me afterwards.”

  Three years later they get engaged. After a celebratory meal at a posh restaurant, they go back home and he asks,“Can I have a blow job now, please?”

  “No,” she replies. “You won’t respect me afterwards.” Another three years later they get married. Lying in bed together on their wedding night, he asks again, “Can I have a blow job now, please, my love?”

  “No,” she replies. “You won’t respect me afterwards.”

  Twenty-five years later, they are sitting in bed together. He puts down his book, takes off his glasses and turns to his wife of twenty-fve years, and asks “Can I have a blow job please, love?”

  “No,” she replies. “You won’t respect me afterwards.”

  He says, “Look, I’ve known you for over thirty years! We’ve been married twenty-five years! We’ve got three children, one grandson with another on the way. Surely by now you must know how much respect I have for you!”

  “Okay, I suppose you have a point,” she sighis. “All right, I’ll give you a blow job.”

  Ten minutes after she is finished, the phone rings. The husband turns to his wife and says, “Well, answer it then, you old cocksucker.”

  What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives good head?

  Partially disabled.

  “In a recent survey into blow jobs and why men liked them so much, 5 per ce
nt enjoyed the sensation, 10 per cent enjoyed the excitement and 85 per cent just liked the fucking silence.”

  How do we know God is a man?

  Because if God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

  A man in a pub finishes his pint and tells his friends he’s under strict instructions, on pain of divorce, to get home at a reasonable time. One of his mates offers some advice on how to deal with situations like this, to keep both parties happy. “When you get home, tip toe up to the bedroom and crawl under the duvet from the bottom of the bed and give your wife the greatest oral sex she’s ever had or is ever likely to have again. There is absolutely no way she could be in a bad mood with you.”

  The man thinks it over and agrees that there is something in this, so he orders up another round of drinks for himself and his mates. Three hours and several pints later, he staggers home to find his house in complete darkness. He fumbles for his key and eventually unlocks the door, staggers inside and makes his way upstairs. When he gets in the bedroom he slips under the bottom of duvet, works his way up the bed, lifts his wife’s nightie and gets to work. After a good ten-minute session and some satisfied noises from the top of the bed, he decides his work is done and he staggers off to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he opens the bathroom door he is shocked to find his wife sitting on the toilet taking a dump.

  “What the hell are you doing in here!?” he asks.

  “Shush,” hisses his wife. “You’ll wake your mother up.”

  Why are pubic hairs curly?

  So they don’t poke you in the eye.

  Why is cunnilingus like being in the Mafa?

  One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.

  How can you tell if you were involved in some drunken oral sex the night before?

  You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.

  What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus?

  Your wife will always blow your bonus.

  A lot of men are in favour of the Muslim full face veil. It solves the age-old problem of where to wipe your dick after a blow job.

  ORGAN TRANSPLANTS

  A prostitute went to the hospital to have a heart transplant. She said to the surgeon, “Doctor, I’m worried. What if my body rejects the organ?”

  The doctor replied, “Well, you are in extremely good health apart from your heart. What do you do?”

  She replied, “Actually I’ve been a prostitute since I was eighteen years old, but what’s that got to do with anything?”

  “Well,” said the doctor, “if you haven’t rejected an organ for the last sixteen years, it’s unlikely you’re about to start now.”

  A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. The highly unusual and somewhat risky procedure, known as an elephantaplasm, involved grafting a baby elephant’s trunk on to the end of the patient’s member.

  The operation, however, was apparently a success. Overjoyed, the man went out with his girlfriend to celebrate at a very fancy restaurant.

  To his horror, after preliminary cocktails, the man’s penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a bread roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

  The girlfriend was startled and exclaimed, “What was that?”

  Suddenly, the penis reappeared, took another bread roll and just as quickly shot back under the tablecloth. The girlfriend sat in stunned silence for a moment, then finally said, “I don’t believe I saw what I think I just saw . . . can you do that again?”

  The man smiled uncomfortably and replied, “I’d like to, unfortunately I don’t think my arse can take another crusty roll.”

  What’s the worst part about getting a lung transplant?

  The first couple of times you cough, it isn’t your phlegm.

  ORGASMS

  What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

  A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

  What’s the height of conceit?

  Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

  The Five Types of Female Orgasm

  The Optimist: Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes . . .

  The Pessimist: Oh No, Oh No, Oh No . . .

  The Confused: Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No . . .

  The Traveller: I’m coming, I’m coming . . .

  The Religious: Oh God, Oh God . . .

  What is the biggest drawback for an atheist?

  No one to talk to during orgasm.

  Why do women fake orgasms?

  Because they think we care.

  PARKINSON'S DISEASE

  Norman is admitted to an old folks’ home. He’s very lonely, so he goes in search of a friend. After wandering around for a few days, he meets Madge and they strike up a friendship. Every day they meet at the swimming pool and chat, just passing the time of day. One day Norman says “Do you know what I miss the most about youth, Madge?”

  “No Norm, what?” she replies.

  “Sex,” he says.

  “Oh, you randy old goat!” she shrieks.

  “No, not like that, Madge. I just wish sometimes that somebody would take my old chap out and hold it.”

  Madge doesn’t think it can do any harm, so out it comes. This continues for a week or so, nothing erotic, just gentle holding. One day Madge turns up to find that Norman is missing. Fearing the worst, she searches the old folks’ home before finally finding him at the back of the shed shagging another old woman.

  “Norman!” she sobs. “What’s going on? What is it that she’s got that I haven’t?”

  Norman replies, “Parkinson’s.”

  Whenever my uncle tries to squeeze into a tight gap left between two parked cars, he starts to shake uncontrollably. I suspect that he suffers from parking zones disease.

  Doctors have found a cure for swine fu. They inject you with Parkinson’s and you should be able to shake it off in a week.

  I’ve always wanted to shake Muhammad Ali’s hand. Unfortunately Parkinson’s beat me to it.

  Who is James Bond’s favourite bartender?

  Michael J. Fox.

  Which is worse - Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?

  Alzheimer’s - it is much better to lose half a pint than to forget where you left it.

  PARALYMICS

  What’s better than winning gold at the Paralympics?

  Having legs.

  What is grey, full of orange stickers and has one cunt in a yellow jacket?

  The car park at the Paralympics.

  What does a Paralympian fear the most?

  Testing positive for WD-40.

  It was the 100 metres freestyle swimming final at the Paralympics. In the first lane was an Australian who didn’t have any arms. In the second lane was a Brazilian without any legs. In the third lane was the current world record holder – an Englishiman without any arms, legs or torso. He was just a head. They line up, the siren blows and – splash – they’re all in the pool.

  The armless Australian takes an early lead but the legless Brazilian closes on him fast. The English head meanwhile sank straight to the bottom.

  In a very tight finish the Brazilian wins. As he is celebrating victory he looks down the pool and can see bubbles surfacing from the other end. He realizes that the English contestant is still at the bottom of the pool, so he reacts quickly and dives down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places him at the side of the pool. The head is coughing and spluttering. Eventually he breathes, and curses: “Bollocks. I got cramp in my ears.”

  I can’t see why some people kick up such a fuss about how some sportsmen and women don’t sing the national anthem. I was watching the Paralympics and some of the gold medallists couldn’t even be arsed to stand up for it.

  Did you hear about the lost-property office at the Paralympics stadium?

  They collected so many lost limbs that they were able to build another 143 athletes.

 
PARTYING

  A woman throws a themed fancy dress party, where each guest is required to show up dressed as an emotion. The first of her guests knocks at the door, dressed from head to foot in green.

  “Let me guess . . . Envy!” she says, and lets him in.

  Then a lady arrives dressed from head to foot in red. She says, “Anger!” and lets her in.

  Then a black man walks up to the front door, completely naked except that he is holding a bowl of pudding with his penis stuck in it.

  “Wait a minute,” the host says to him. “This is supposed to be an emotion party!”

  The guest replies, “I know, and I’m fucking dis custard.”

  I went to an 1980s-themed party the other night. It started off great but by the end we’d all caught AIDS and lost our jobs.

  I went to a fancy dress party wearing only a pair of boxer shorts. A really ft-looking woman at the door said to me, “This is a fancy dress party, you know. What are you supposed to be?”

  “A premature ejaculation,” I replied.

  “What do you mean?” replied the woman.

  “Well, I’ve just come in my pants.”

  My girlfriend was invited on a hen party recently. The invitation said “Dress to kill”, so she went as Myra Hindley.

  I was at a party last night, much the worse for drink, and I walked up to this bird and said, “Duck my sick!”

  She replied, “You are drunk, don’t you mean suck my dick?”

  I said, “No!” then threw up all over her.