The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes

by E. Henry Thripshaw

  A man goes to a fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. “So what the fuck are you supposed to be?” the host asks.

  “I’m a turtle,” the man replies.

  “Sounds like a load of bollocks to me,” replies his host. “How can you be a snail when all you’ve got is that naked girl on your back?”

  “Well,” the bloke replies, “that’s Michelle.”

  “I’ve just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow but, fuck, the pass the parcel was like lightning!”

  PENISES

  A man was in bed with his new Thai bride. After a couple of hours of fantastic, steamy sex, she spent the next hour stroking his penis while he enjoyed a smoke.

  “That’s nice,” he says. “Why do you like doing that?”

  She replies, “Because I really miss mine.”

  Bert was happily married except for one very important aspect. His dick was so large that his wife was unable to accommodate him without it causing her great pain. One night, this frustration boiled over and he headed out to find a brothel. Surely, if he was to find a woman who could ft him, it would be there.

  As he walks into the reception he sees a woman behind the counter. “I’m Helga, the Headmistress,” she says. “How can I help you?”

  He walks over to her and tells her his story. Money exchanges hands, and he’s directed down the hall, first room on the left. Bert has never actually been with a prostitute before so some awkward conversation occurs before intercourse. In the act, he manages to get a third of the way in before she starts screaming in pain. He quickly withdraws, apologizes profusely and goes back to the Headmistress.

  She’s a little taken aback, but still proposes a solution – second door, right side. The man is a more than a little frustrated by this point, so no conversation occurs and he gets right into it. A third goes in. Then half. She screams. He dismounts and storms back to the Headmistress, not even bothering to put his clothes back on, and demands a refund.

  She tells him that she has one last option for him – if it doesn’t work, she will gladly refund every penny. Last door on the left. He goes in, and the room is very dark. A woman lies on the bed, waiting for him. He mounts her – a third of the way, half-way, and all the way in. She offers no complaint. Gleefully he begins thrusting, when, to his horror, he notices she appears to be foaming from the mouth. In a panic, he runs back to the Headmistress.

  “That girl is frothing at the mouth! I need you to call a doctor!”

  The Headmistress rolls her eyes. “For fuck’s sake!” she turns and shouts behind her. “The dead girl is full again!”

  My last girlfriend used to call my penis “Weapon of Mass Destruction”. I was fattered until I found out what she meant was it was really hard to find.

  Did you hear about the man with five dicks?

  His pants ft like a glove.

  A paperboy is doing his monthly round collecting money from his customers. He knocks on a door and is greeted by a rather voluptuous lady, who is wearing a transparent lace negligee that leaves nothing to the imagination.

  “Hello, madam,” says the boy. “I’ve come for the paper money. You owe £5, please.”

  “Young man, I’m afraid I’ve no money in the house,” the woman replies in a sultry voice, “but if you come in I’m sure I can think of something.” So the boy enters the house and the woman throws herself on the freside rug. Opening her negligee to reveal a pair of pendulous breasts, she says, “You can have me instead.”

  The boy takes off his bag, and then when whips out an unfeasibly large penis that would be more in place on a stallion. The woman can’t believe her eyes. He then produces a series of big rubber rings from his bag and starts to stack them on his massive cock.

  “What are you doing?” asks the woman.

  “Oh these – they’re just to make sure I don’t go all the way in when I shag you,” replies the boy.

  “No way!” says the lady, “I’ll take all of you!”

  The boy replies, “Not for five fucking quid you won’t, lady!”

  A Canadian, an American and an Australian were on a cruise ship, enjoying a bullshitting session. The Canadian said, “In Canada we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”

  The American said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”

  The Australian replied, “That’s nothing, we have women with pussies this big.” He then stretched his hands so wide that it would do a fisherman justice.

  “Jesus. How the hell do you screw them, then?” asked the American.

  “They stretch.”

  PERSONAL HYGIENE

  A man walks into a lift and finds himself alone with an attractive woman. As the lift ascends, he asks, “Excuse me, miss, can I smell your fanny?’.

  “Certainly not!” she replied.

  “Hmmm. It must be your feet then.”

  Why do women pierce their bellybuttons?

  It is somewhere for them to hang their air freshener.

  What’s the difference between a French woman and a basketball team?

  The basketball team showers after four periods.

  What’s the hardest thing about a sex change operation?

  Inserting the anchovies.

  My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you can smell the ocean.

  PET SHOPS

  A man sees an advert in a pet shop window for a talking centipede with a price tag at £150. Thinking he’s hit upon the bargain of a lifetime, he buys the centipede and takes it away in a box. When he gets home, he opens the box and politely asks the centipede if he would like to go down the pub for a pint, but the centipede doesn’t answer. A few minutes later, he asks again, but still no response.

  At this point he starts to get a bit annoyed, thinking perhaps that he’s been conned. He shouts one more time: “Do you want to go for a pint?!”

  The centipede pops his head out of the box and says, “All right, I heard you the first time, give me a chance to put my fucking shoes on!”

  A vicar is in a pet shop buying a parrot. “Are you sure it doesn’t know any profane words?” he asks the shopkeeper.

  “Oh, absolutely. It’s a very religious parrot,” the shopkeeper assures him. “Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord’s Prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.”

  “Wonderful!” says the vicar. “But what happens if you pull both strings?”

  “I fall off my perch, you stupid cunt,” screeches the parrot.

  My new goldfish suffers from epilepsy. The funny thing is, it never fits when it’s back in the bowl.

  An animal rights activist walks into a pet shop and puts a bomb on the counter. He says: “You’ve got one minute to get out of here before the place blows!”

  A tortoise in the back shouts, “You bastard!”

  A man buys a parrot from the pet shop but he can never get it to talk, so he goes back to the pet shop to complain. The pet shop owner says, “I know exactly what the problem is. Your bird has too much hook in its beak. What you have to do is file the beak back a bit and it will be able to talk just fine. Be careful not to file too much beak off, though, because if you take too much off, the bird won’t be able to eat or drink and it will die.”

  The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says £100. So the parrot owner decides he’ll do it himself.

  A week or so later they bump into one another in the street. The pet shop owner enquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet.

  The parrot owner replies, “The parrot is dead.”

  “I told you not to fle the beak back too far – did he starve?”

  “No, he was dead before I got him out of the vice.”

  A fat woman was walking past a pet shop. Suddenly a parro
t screeched at her: “Oi! I’m talking to you, you fat ugly cow!” The woman pretended not to notice and continued on her way.

  The next day on her way to work she passed by the pet store again, and the parrot once more said, “Oi! I’m taking to you, you fat ugly cow!”

  She was really upset by now, so she went into the shop and complained to the owner. She threatened to sue them and have the bird put down. The store owner apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot would not offend her again.

  The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. “Oi! I’m talking to you,” the parrot shouted after her.

  “Yes?”

  “You fucking know!”

  A woman goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful Norwegian Blue. “What about this one, madam? A beautiful bird, and an absolute bargain at only £25.”

  “Why is it so cheap?” the woman asks.

  “Well,” replies the assistant, “it used to live in a brothel, and as a result its language is a touch ripe.”

  “No matter,” says the woman, making her mind up. “I’m broad-minded and it’ll be a laugh having a potty-mouthed parrot.”

  She buys the parrot and takes him home.

  Once inside his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, “Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam.”

  The woman laughis awkwardly. “I’m not a madam and this is not a brothel.”

  A little later, her two teenage daughters arrive home.

  “Fucking unbelievable,” says the parrot when he sees the two daughters. “A new brothel, a new madam and now two new prostitutes.”

  “Mum, tell your parrot to shut up!” complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

  A short while later, the woman’s husband comes home.

  “Fucking incredible,” says the parrot. “A new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How’s it going, Nick?”

  A woman sees an advert in a pet shop window: “Clitoris-licking frog available - apply within”. She goes into the shop and says to the man behind the counter, “I’m interested in the clitoris-licking frog.”

  The man replies: “Bonjour, madame, fermez la porte.”

  A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around for a while she found that all the pets were very expensive, so she had a word with a sales assistant and explained that she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune. “Well,” said the assistant, “I have a very large bullfrog. Apparently it has been trained to give blow jobs.”

  “Blow jobs? Are you sure?” the woman asked incredulously.

  “It hasn’t been proven, but we’ve sold thirty of them this month,” he said.

  The woman thought it would be a great joke gift and, besides, what if it’s true . . . no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she got home and explained the frog’s special abilities to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, dreaming that maybe, just maybe, she had performed oral sex for the last time.

  In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans fying everywhere, banging and crashing around the kitchen. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. “What are you two doing up at this hour?” she asked.

  The husband replied, “If I can teach this frog to cook, you’re gone.”

  A cute little girl walks into a pet shop and asks: “Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?”

  “Aaaah,” the shopkeeper thinks to himself, so he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says: “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?”

  The little girl blushes, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, “To be fair, I weally don’t fink my anaconda gives a toth.”

  A married couple are arguing constantly. The wife suggests that perhaps they would get along better if they have a pet for company. So the husband goes to a pet shop in search of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. Upon closer inspection the parrot doesn’t have any feet or legs. The man says out loud, “Bloody hell! I wonder what happened to this parrot?”

  “I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a disabled parrot.”

  The man laughis nervously: he could have sworn it sounded like this parrot actually understood what he said and had answered him.

  “In case you’re wondering, I understood every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent, well-educated parrot.”

  “Really?” the man asks in disbelief. “Then answer me this: how do you hang on to your perch without any feet?”

  “Well,” the parrot says, “this is slightly embarrassing, but since you asked, I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot dick around this here wooden bar. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”

  “Wow,” says the man, “you really can understand and answer, can’t you?”

  “Of course. I can hold my own in intelligent conversation on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. Actually, I’m an expert in ornithology. I also speak fuent French. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion.” The man looks at the price tag. “Two hundred pounds!” he says. “I can’t afford that.”

  “Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the man closer with one wing.

  “Nobody wants me because I don’t have any feet. You can get me for £20. Just make an offer.”

  The man offers £20 and walks away with the parrot. The new pet is sensational. He’s witty, he’s great company and the man is delighted. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The man goes up close to the cage. “There’s something you ought to know,” says the parrot, “it’s about your wife and the milkman.”

  “What?” says the man.

  “Well,” the parrot says, “when the milkman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer negligee and kissed him on the mouth.”

  “What happened then?” asks the man.

  “Then the milkman came into the house and lifted up the negligee and began putting his hands all over her,” reports the parrot.

  “Then what?”

  “Then he lifted up the negligee, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her neck and slowly going down and down . . .”

  The parrot pauses for a long time.

  “What happened? What happened?” says the frantic man.

  “Buggered if I know,” says the parrot. “I fell off my perch.”

  PHARMACISTS

  A man went into a pharmacist’s and asked for a vial of cyanide. The assistant asked him what he wanted it for. The man answered calmly, “I want to kill my wife.” The pharmacist was shocked but kept his professional composure. “I’m sorry, sir,” he replied, “but you will have to understand under the circumstances that I am unable to supply you any cyanide.”

  The man reached into his wallet and produced a photo of his wife. The chemist studied it for a while and returned it. “I see, sir. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”

  A man went into a pharmacist’s and said to the assistant, “Excuse me, do you have cotton wool balls?”

  He replied, “What do you think I am, a fucking teddy bear?”

  A man went to the pharmacist’s to buy some condoms. “I wonder”, said the pharmacist, “if I might interest you in our very latest product, the Artificial Vagina.”

  The customer couldn’t believe his ears, so the pharmacist took one from behind the counter and showed it to him. “It looks just like the real thing!”

  “It certainly does,” replied the chemist. “Why don’t you give it a real test, just smell it.”

  “Christ! It smells just like one!”

/>   “A final test, just feel it.”

  “I can’t believe it, it feels just like a real one, I’ll buy it!”

  “Should I wrap it up?”

  “Don’t bother, I’ll eat it here.”

  A little boy went to the pharmacist’s for some condoms. He walked up to the counter and said, “Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?”

  The pharmacist replied, “Son, do you know what condoms are used for?”

  “Yes,” replied the boy. “They keep you from catching venereal diseases.”

  “All right,” said the pharmacist, “but do you know what the ribs are for?”

  The little boy thought for a minute, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, “Well, not exactly, but they certainly make the hair on my hamster’s back stand on end.”

  PHILOSOPHERS

  Socrates was widely lauded in ancient Greece for his great wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon a friend, who ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, guess what I just heard about one of your students?”

  “Stop right there,” Socrates replied, raising his hand. “Let’s think this through. Before you tell me anything, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three.”

  “The Test of Three?”

  “That is correct,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my student, let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first test is Truth. Are you absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

  The man thought for a while, then shook his head. “No,” he replied, “actually I just heard about it from someone else.”

  “All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”