by Nicole Dykes
I never got the impression he loved me, and I was never fully certain about my feelings for him, other than physical attraction and a longtime friendship.
With Logan though?
That's love.
I feel it in my soul, and when we kissed, it was like an awakening I didn’t expect. I had no idea a part of me had been fast asleep.
His lips slide along mine as he whispers, “You gonna be okay?”
I smile up at him, and then my gaze lands on a condom wrapper laying on the floor next to my bed, evidence of what took place last night.
I’m still terrified of turning into my mother, but after a year and a half of kissing and foreplay, the fire burning my body could only be extinguished by giving in to both of our desires.
I’d never wanted anything more, and although it was under my parent's roof and there was a danger of my asshole father bursting in at any moment, it was still everything I could have dreamed of.
“I’m more than okay.” My fingers intertwine behind his neck, pulling him into a sweet kiss, before gently shoving him up as we both sit up in my bed. “You better get to your chores. If your mom freaks out and calls mine, we’re both dead.”
Logan stands from my bed, totally and gloriously naked. Good lord, farm work and good genes have left him tanned and toned.
He slides into a pair of jeans, zipping them up with a carefree grin, because that’s who Logan is, happy and positive. “Fuck ‘em. We're both eighteen.”
I laugh and slip into one of his old t-shirts I use as a night shirt, standing to place my hands on his chest. “That may be, but you love your mama.” I pull my long hair up in a haphazard ponytail. “And my father will kill you if he finds you in here.”
He lays a quick kiss on my nose. “Your father is passed out downstairs, guaranteed.”
I look out the window of my bedroom at the horizon, the one that hasn’t changed one bit. The sun is just starting to come up in the western Kansas sky. “Still, I have to get the girls ready for school and check on my mom.”
I may have just turned eighteen a couple of days ago, but these have been my responsibilities since I can remember. My mom swears it wasn’t always like this, but it’s all I remember.
My dad, like most men in this town, started working in the oilfield young. Traveling and drilling for oil all over the state, starving when oil dried up and thriving when it was booming. During a dry spell when my father was laid off, he found comfort in booze and hasn't looked back since, constantly going on drunken binges. We never know when or if he’ll be home, but when he is, he unleashes rage and hatred no child should have to witness from her father.
He doesn't always hit, usually it's angry words, calling us all hateful names and blaming us for his failures.
He still holds a job somehow but brings home a mediocre paycheck, and in his mind, that’s the fault of my mother and my sisters and me.
My father's abuse has never been a secret from Shane and Logan, and both of them have tried like hell to protect me since day one.
My mother is blinded by what she believes is love and won't leave him, and I could never bring myself to leave her or my sisters.
Still, I’m graduating in four months, and something is going to have to change. I can't stay here and repeat the cycle over and over.
My grandma, my dad's mother, married an oilfield man when she was only sixteen. And just like Logan and Shane's father, he died in an explosion while drilling.
Blood, sweat and oil.
That’s what this town was built on for sure, and if you let it, it will rob you of everything. I won't allow it to do that to me. My father was only thirteen when he lost his father, and it no doubt fucked him up.
He tugs his t-shirt over his head. “All right, I’ll be back to pick you up for school.”
I nod my head. “Okay, I’ll meet you a few blocks from here.”
He gives me a quick peck, pulling my body close to his and making all my worries about the day and life in general fade away when he growls, “I love you, Maddison James.”
My nose brushes his, and I let his brightness lighten me up. “I love you, Logan Keller.”
He's been through heartbreaking things, but Logan never let it make him crumble or give up. Somehow, he still loves this town and this way of life.
This fact makes me admire him and yet terrifies me at the same time.
I love this man, but I can never love this place he loves.
Three
Logan
Fuck, I hated leaving Maddie this morning. Not that I mind my morning chores, hell I don’t mind that a bit.
Feed the chickens, pigs and goats. Clean out the barn. No big deal.
It’s always hell leaving Maddie under her father's roof, never knowing when that son of bitch will fly off the handle. When Maddie had a bruise on her arm a few months ago, I swear I nearly committed homicide. And I would have gladly, but she wouldn’t let me near him.
I think she has a deep-seated sense of shame. But more than that, she's promised her mother many times she won't turn him in.
Her mom is something else, completely devoted to an abusive alcoholic. Maddie's told me numerous times she believes her mother would kill herself if her dad were ever locked up.
So, respecting Maddie's wishes, I’ve stayed away from her father.
But I can't promise I can keep my cool if it happens again.
I still can't believe she gave herself to me last night. I respected that she didn’t want to become her mother, not that she ever could. And I tried not to put pressure on her even though my balls were screaming at me every time we were together.
But last night, things went further than we planned, and we lost all control. We’d been talking about the future and kissing and talking more, and then out of nowhere, she told me she was ready. I couldn't have resisted if I’d tried.
I’m still on a high this morning as I pull onto her gravel road to wait, parking a little ways down from her house so her dad doesn’t ask questions.
Moments later I see Maddie, dressed in tight jeans and bundled up in her purple coat, walking out the door. I see her father stumble out after her, looking as if he's screaming. I roll down my window so I can hear.
“You little slut! Who are you fucking now?”
My fingers grip the steering wheel of my old beat-up truck, hearing her father's slurred words while she flees down the stairs of their wooden porch.
“You’ve probably been through the whole town by now, right? You little cheap-ass bitch!”
He's screaming from his front porch, and it takes everything I have to stay put as Maddie runs down the road, knowing I’m waiting where I always do.
I can see him, but my truck is hidden by a large tree, and he's too drunk to be looking for me. Maddie yanks open the trucks door and climbs in, tears running down her face.
Fuck.
“Please just go. I want to get far away from here.”
I want to hold her, to try to take away a little pain, but I do as she requests. I put my truck in gear and tear off down the dirt road toward the high school, sneaking looks from the side of my eye, watching her fix her makeup in the visor mirror.
When we get to school, I park my truck, gripping the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles turn white. “Maddie—”
“Don't.”
“Maybe I could talk to my mom and see if you could move into Shane’s old room.”
The lump in my throat forms before I can stop it. Shane graduated right after our fistfight and he moved out almost immediately. Started his new job at the same drilling company where my father worked, but in a town about three hours south of here on the Oklahoma border.
He hasn't been home since, but he calls mom occasionally and sends her a check every month. We haven’t spoken to each other since the night Maddie went from being his to being mine.
“Your mom would never allow that, and I can't leave my sisters yet.”
“So call the cops and
get that asshole behind bars.”
“I can't do that to my mom, and you know it. Besides he didn’t lay a finger on me or anyone this morning. The girls were on the bus before he started his shit.”
I let go of the wheel and turn to look at her, my eyes darting over her pristine face, the only skin currently showing. No marks there.
“What the hell was that all about anyway?”
She opens the truck's squeaky door and hops out, slinging her bag over her shoulder and swiping her hair off her shoulder, gesturing at her neck. “I remembered to throw away the condom, but forgot about these.”
Fuck. I stare at the red blotchy marks my mouth left on her neck last night.
“Shit, Maddie. I’m so fucking sorry.”
She shrugs, placing her hair back down to cover her neck. “I’m not. Not at all.”
I climb out of my truck and grab my book bag, walking over to her as she closes her door. “Are you sure?” My insecurity about her regretting last night is showing, but with her, I don’t care about looking a little weak every now and then.
“Logan, you've known me most of my life. I don't do much I don't want to.” Except stay in that house. I think it, but don't dare say it. She takes my hand in hers, her eyes drawing me in. “I love you. I love what we have right now, and I want to live every second we have together to the fullest.”
My free hand finds her cheek as I look down, deep into her eyes. “We have the rest of our lives together, Maddie.” Her face looks sad, and I’m not sure what she's trying to tell me. My voice is stern. “Maddie, you know that, right?”
“We're young. A lot can happen.”
“It won't.”
“How can you be so sure?”
My forehead rests against hers as I breathe her in, holding us in this unbreakable stance. “I just am. When it comes to you, Maddie, I’m certain everything will be just fine.”
“Are you going to take that scholarship?”
I found out a few days ago I had not only been accepted to K-State, but I also had a full academic scholarship.
Me.
A Keller.
No one in my family has gone to college. I only applied to appease my mother.
“I don't know.” It’s the truth.
Maddie's beautiful eyes look up at me, glistening with new tears. “You have to Logan.”
“Maddie, we don't need to talk about this now. I have time to decide.”
Her eyes plead with me. “You have a chance to leave, to be more, to do more than work for a shitty wage in a dirty, dangerous job. That's huge.”
Although I love Maddie more than life, we don't always see eye to eye. I’ve worked the past two summers doing that “dirty, dangerous job” and loved every single second of it. It's in my blood. I’m not sure I want to leave. In fact, I’m pretty damn sure I don’t. The town may have its downfalls, but it’s where I grew up. It’s all I know.
Growing up, I just always assumed, I’d follow in my father's footsteps and work in the oilfield, get married, have kids and have a beautifully simple life.
My desire to have that hasn't changed.
Four
Logan
Laying in the back of my truck with Maddie, looking up at the dark country night sky that’s sprinkled with bright stars, is something I’ll never tire of.
It’s March, but it’s chilly so we’re bundled up in our jackets and tucked in a sleeping bag, using our backpacks for pillows with her head resting on my chest.
I’m not sure life can get much better.
I accepted the scholarship and will be starting college in the fall, but it’s not so bad. Maddie is going to a community college two hours away from K-State, and although we've shared a zip code for most of our lives, I know we’ll be okay.
I hold her close, my hand brushing over the fresh ink on her hip.
Her idea.
She was so fucking happy when I told her I was going to college. Then the anxiety set in over being apart, and she had an idea for matching tattoos. Knowing her fear of needles, I was hesitant, but the idea of something linking us forever was too tempting.
I held her hand as she had a barbed wire heart tattooed on her hip, and she watched in awe as the guy put the same one on my left pec.
And afterward, we barely made it to my car before we tore into each other. Both of us turned the fuck on from watching each other get the identical permanent brand. It was a high I never wanted to come down from.
“Logan?”
“Yeah?” I pull her hand to my heart and let it rest there, listening to her soft voice.
“Do you think Shane will ever forgive us?”
I swallow, not where I thought our conversation would go. “No.”
She lifts her head, resting her head on her hand. “Why not?”
“Because Kellers don't forgive. We hold grudges with the best of them.”
“That's crazy. I mean, if he wanted to talk to you, you would, right?”
My eyes look up at the sky, knowing she won't like my answer. “No.”
“What?” I feel her small hand cup my chin and force me to look at her. “Logan, he's your brother.”
I look her dead in the eyes, those beautiful eyes that sparkle when the light hits them. “Yeah he is. And when you two were dating, it damn near killed me to sit back and watch you with him. But I told myself that he was happy and so were you. He was my brother, so I swallowed the jealousy. I hung out with you guys like the pathetic third wheel I was, and then he couldn't give me the same courtesy? Fuck him.”
She looks as if she might cry, but then she sniffs sadly and shakes her head. “I hate being the reason you two don't talk.”
My hand rests over her cheek, cooled by the night air. “You're not. We were stubborn assholes even before we met you. It’s just who we are. Not all brothers are close, Maddie.”
“You two were.”
My lips slide over hers, hopefully giving her some reassurance. “Now we're not, but he's okay and so am I. Try not to worry about it.”
I know she will, but her head lays back down on my shoulder, and I settle back into euphoria before her next question comes.
Maddie's brain never shuts down, she has constant thoughts and is rarely quiet. It’s something I don't mind at all, even though I could lay here in silence for hours if I were alone. That's just Maddie.
“Do you think my sisters will be all right when we’re gone?”
Maddie is moving three hours away from home, and I’ll be five hours away. It’s something I've thought of, so I know it’s been on Maddie's mind.
“Have you thought about calling your aunt in Tulsa? See if she could take them?”
“My aunt has three kids of her own.”
I wrap my arm a little tighter around her shoulder. “Right, but you said her youngest is graduating this year and going to college. She has an empty nest.” I squeeze her body against mine. “Your sisters are still cute, well except Kayleigh.”
Kayleigh is three years younger than us and has morphed into full-fledged bitchy teenager mode lately. Maddie playfully punches me. “Hey, that's my little sister you’re talking about, asshole!”
I laugh, and I’m happy when she laughs with me. “Right. Sorry.”
“My mom would never go for it.”
“Even if she had to choose between that and your father going to jail?” I may be playing hardball, but I believe it’s needed to protect the rest of the James girls.
She bites her bottom lip and buries her face in my arms, knowing the horrible answer to my question.
Her muffled response confirms that. “I don't know if I could do that to my mom.”
I grip the sides of her face, gently lifting her face so she meets my gaze. “Maddie, I know you. You’ll always do what you have to in order to protect the people you love. Your dad, hell even your mother, they aren't fit to be parents.”
A solemn tear slides down her cheek, and her voice is quiet. “I know.”
I
lay a quick kiss on her mouth before pulling back to look into her eyes. “It's going to be good. They’ll be free, and so will you.”
“And I’ll be with you.” Her lips slide along my jaw. “That softens the blow a little, I suppose.”
I grin as her mouth makes its way back to mine. “Well, there is that.”
Her hand rests over my heart as her body moves over mine, her thighs straddling me as she looks down at me. “Do you really think we'll make it?”
Her long hair tickles my face as she leans in closer, and I brush it aside as I grip her face in my hands again, trying to ignore my growing cock for a moment. “Maddie, I know you’ve had a storm of uncertainties in your life. They make you question everything. But when it comes to you and me, there is no doubt. You don't ever have to question us.”
I mean every single word. I'd rather die than let anything separate us.
Five
Maddie
I stare at the gorgeous, dark purple prom dress with shiny beads swirling around the torso. It’s hanging on the back of the bathroom door, waiting to be shown off at prom next month.
Then, I look at the white piece of plastic in my hand.
The third one telling me my life is about to take a dramatic turn. The two blue lines sending an unimaginable shock throughout my body.
My worst fear is coming true, and it's all my fault.
But we were always so careful.
This can't be real.
“Maddie, get the hell out of the bathroom!”
Shit.
My sister Kayleigh's voice startles me, and I drop the pregnancy test on the tile floor in front of me.
I scramble off the toilet, pulling my jeans up and grabbing the three tests, wrapping them in toilet paper. “Just a sec!” I holler through the door of the house's only bathroom and quickly bury the positive pregnancy tests deep in the trash.
I’ve been feeling nauseous for a week or so, puking my guts out too many times to count. And when I missed my period five days ago, I went into denial mode, saying it was just a strange fluke.
