by Nicole Dykes
My heart clenches painfully in my chest. Leaving Logan is something I never thought I would do. “No, I’m not cool with it. It’s killing me, but I won’t let him die in that town. I won’t let him do this. I know him, he’ll give up everything. You know he will.”
There’s no doubt, if Logan found out I was pregnant, he would instantly drop out of college and go to work. He'd ask me to marry him, and I’d give in.
Shane leans in, his face eerie and frightened. I’ve never seen him scared. “If he finds out about this. He'll hate us both forever.”
“I know. I promise you, he won't find out Shane. Please do this.”
He pushes off the wall, separating us and roaring, “Fuck!” He looks like he might throw up or punch something as he points his finger at me. “I’ll do this, but when it’s over, I never want to see your face again. You understand me?”
I nod my head slowly, trying to stay strong and not let his words hurt.
“I understand, Shane.”
There's nothing I won't do for Logan.
Even if that means leaving him forever.
Eight
Logan
God, she's the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Maddie is perfect, dressed in a dark purple prom dress that hugs her curves and dips low in the front with her long, brown hair pulled up.
The girl is a natural beauty, but tonight she looks like royalty with her makeup done and dressed up.
I hold her body tightly to mine as we dance together in the school gym that’s been decorated in a Paris theme.
It's cheesy, but I don't care.
I have Maddie.
And in two weeks, we’ll graduate and be on our way to a new life. Although it's strange, because we've been dancing all night, but she hasn’t talked much. I expected her to talk my ear off all night. Instead, nothing.
“Maddie.” My lips graze her ear. “You okay?”
Her head rests on my shoulder, and she doesn’t lift it, although her fingers dig into my shoulders. “Yes.”
The dance ends, and we head out to the lake for the traditional after-party. There's a bonfire and lawn chairs, and of course, booze is already set up when we get out there. Most of us brought tents, and after Maddie’s and mine is set up, she sits on my lap. Misty does the same with Garrett as they sit next to us by the fire.
I look around at all the familiar faces, people I’ve known since I was a child and watched grow up alongside me. Our class is small, only forty-two of us, so we all know each other fairly well. Everyone has a drink in hand, mostly beer, although Maddie mixed her own. Then we all raise a toast.
“Ready to get fucked up, Maddie?” Misty holds up a bottle of tequila. “One of our very last high school parties.”
Maddie gives her a weak smile and shakes her head, climbing off my lap. “I’m gonna take a rain check on that, Misty.” Maddie's eyes lock on mine. “Join me?”
I sit my drink down and jump up, probably way too eager, but I don't give a fuck. Maddie's been busy working a lot at the diner lately, and we haven't had much alone time.
“Pussy-whipped!” I hear Garrett yell. But again, no fucks given as I follow Maddie to our tent, placed closer to the lake and further from everyone else.
I unzip the tent and follow Maddie in. A small skylight at the top of the tent is the only light we have. The tent is large, but I still have to crouch down even though Maddie can stand to her full height.
We're still in our prom attire, although I stripped out of the tuxedo jacket as soon as we left the school. Maddie looks nervous, and I stand in front of her, cupping her face in my hands. “You look so fucking beautiful.”
Her hands rest on mine, and tears glisten in her eyes. “Logan . . .”
“Maddie, talk to me. What's going on?”
Her lips search for mine in the moonlight. “Nothing. Just be with me.”
My fingers brush through her hair as I grasp the back of her head, tilting it up to look at me. “I’ll always be with you.”
She doesn't say another word. Her lips do all the talking when they connect with mine, vigorously exploring my mouth. Her fingers work on the buttons of my white button–down until she undoes them all and rips the shirt off my body.
I know there's something wrong, but I can also feel she needs this.
My cock strains painfully against the zipper of my black pants, and I guess I do too.
My hands find the zipper on the back of her dress, but she stops me.
“No, leave it on.” She unzips my pants, not giving me a chance to argue. She pushes them down quickly, finding my dick and gripping it in her hand. She slowly works her hand up and down my hard shaft.
Fuck. Me.
I groan at her touch and kiss her mouth as my hips thrust forward, wanting her.
My hands lift the long skirt, reaching under and finding her panties, sliding them down as she releases me.
I grab a condom while she steps out of her panties and sinks to the floor of the tent on top of our sleeping bag. I slip the condom on and slide over her, my lips grazing her neck as I nip and suck her soft rose-scented skin.
“I love you, Maddie.”
My cock slides through her wet folds, teasing her before I press in. She breathes out, “I love you, Logan. Forever.”
That’s all I need in this life.
Nine
Maddie
Today was graduation. I, along with Logan and my classmates, walked across the stage and were handed the piece of paper that should start our freedom.
Instead, to me, it marks the end.
The end of high school. The end of all the hopes Logan and I had for our future together. The end of us.
I’m nine weeks pregnant and am starting to show already. The time to leave is now. I know it.
Prom night was a gift to myself. I pushed everything to the side, and in that tent with Logan, I allowed myself to get lost in the fantasy.
I let my mind wander to a different world where I wasn't pregnant, and Logan and I were starting our lives together. The only exceptions to my fantasy were when I pretended to mix my drink, but in actuality, not adding vodka to my cherry soda, and not letting Logan strip me, unsure whether he would notice the tiny baby-bump.
It’s all fading away now.
Instead of using the money I’ve saved the last couple of years for college, I bought a cheap run-down car and loaded it with all my things late last night.
I talked to my aunt and told her to pick up my sisters tomorrow, and before I left to meet Logan at the post-graduation party, I had a talk with my mom.
Maybe it’s my hormones or the cold reality of my decisions finally talking hold, but the talk wasn’t nearly as difficult as I thought it would be.
My father is out of town for at least a week, so the timing is perfect. I told her that her sister would be by tomorrow to pick up the girls, and if she gave Aunt Lynn any trouble, I would go straight to the police and tell them about the years of abuse.
At the very least, Child Protective Services would be called to check in, and she knew it.
I told her she could also go with Aunt Lynn, but I know she won't.
And that was it.
I drive the small car down the familiar dirt road and out to the barn.
I told Logan I was getting a ride with Misty so he wouldn’t pick me up. Only the beginning of my lies.
I tell myself it’s necessary. That it’s all for him, but my entire body is full of tension as I climb out of the old car.
He's going to hate me.
I’m not sure I can ever be fully prepared for that.
Although right now, there's no hate whatsoever on his handsome face when he spots me and walks over in a confident stride. “Hey.” He looks back at the car behind me. “I thought Misty was bringing you? Whose car is that?”
I nearly lose my composure then.
My hand brushes over the slight bit of brown stubble on his cheek. “We have to talk.”
His eyes darken with worry as they search mine for answers. He knows me too well, and I know he’s suspected something was up for the last month and a half. “What's going on Maddie?”
I drop my hand from his face, biting my lower lip and looking out at the horizon as the sun starts to sink. “I can't do this, Logan.”
“Do what?”
I meet his curious gaze and try like hell to keep it together. “I’m not going with you.”
“What are you talking about?”
He looks horrified and confused, and it’s tearing out my heart. I can barely choke out the next sentence which I’ve rehearsed countless times in the bathroom mirror. “There's someone else. You and I are done.”
Logan’s face flashes with rage as his hand takes mine. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
I yank my hand from his, the touch is too painful. “I’m telling you, I’m not who you think I am. I’m seeing someone else in a different town, and I’m leaving today to be with him. Not you. We’re in love. You need to move on.”
I start toward the car, but Logan grabs me quickly, pulling my body to his, his strong hands in my hair. His eyes plead with mine. “Maddie, this isn’t real. You wouldn’t do this.”
I want to lean into him, kiss his lips, and tell him everything. But, I can't.
If I do that, we’ll both be trapped forever.
I push him away, my heart shattering when I see the sickening betrayal on his handsome face.
“I’m not who you think I am! I was with Shane when we got together, for Christ's sake. Your own brother!”
Logan takes a step closer, his body crowding mine as I lean against the front bumper of my car. “Who is this guy? I’ll rip his fucking head off.”
“No. Listen to me, I’m not worth it. Go to college. Live your life and forget about me.”
“Maddie. I can't forget about you. You’re my fucking world. We had a whole life planned.”
I swallow the lump in my throat, struggling with the words. My chest heaves with each quick, jerking breath I take, trying to stay in control. The reality of my lie tears me to shreds.
“That was all crazy. We were only a high school fling. It was hot and a fun fantasy while it lasted, but that’s all it was."
I need him to hate me, or it will never work.
His hand grasps my shoulder and slides up to the side of my neck as he growls, “A fucking fling? That’s all we were?”
Yes.
Say yes.
“Y-yes.” I suck in a sharp breath and think about the bright future he has. My back straightens. “I love someone else now. I need to try different things, and so should you.”
“Different things?”
I shrug, knowing I need to drive it home and end this forever. I lean forward, portraying cold, bitchy confidence. “Yes. Different people. Different places, Logan.” Deep breath. “I just don't want you anymore. I’ve tried to tell you so many times. I’m leaving. Don't look for me. Don't call.”
I pull away from him and walk to the driver's-side door, leaving him in a stunned trance.
I open the door and leave him behind as I hop on the highway to my new home.
As I leave town, an old dusty sign catches my attention. “Smile. Your mom chose life,” is etched in black letters with an actual smiley face on it. Some church’s anti-abortion campaign. I fight tears as numbness overtakes me.
Are you fucking kidding me?
My heart aches as I think about Logan's face as I drove away.
One thing’s for sure, he definitely hates me.
Ten
Maddie
“Maddie, grab table two. They’ve been waiting way too long.”
I look down at my enormous belly, protruding so far I can't see my feet. But I listen to my boss at the small diner that is so similar to the one I worked at back home, it’s uncanny.
After I left Logan staring at me in confused horror, I drove and didn’t stop until I was four hours south of my hometown.
This Oklahoma-Kansas border town called to me as I drove through the downtown and saw a “help wanted” sign in the window of this restaurant. I walked in and was hired that day. I rented a small apartment above an older couple’s garage and have tried not to look back.
I have to believe this was the right move, but it’s killed me thinking about Logan during every free second.
It doesn't help that I have a constant reminder kicking around in my belly.
Ow. One that is leaving me particularly sore today. I grasp the counter as a cramp attacks my body.
Crystal, an older waitress and someone who has become a friend to me these past seven months, grasps my shoulder, her eyes wide. “You okay, hun?”
I nod, but then my eyes widen in horror as I feel a trickle down my bare legs. “Oh shit.”
Crystal’s gaze follows mine as we both look at the puddle on the floor. “Oh, it’s baby time!” She hollers over to Leroy, the middle-aged and perpetually grumpy owner. “I’m taking her to the hospital. I think Audrey can cover.”
He nods as he looks at the mess in disgust as Crystal takes my hand and leads me out to the car. “You want me to call the father?”
My heart pangs with bitter grief, my mind going instantly to Logan. I shake my head. “No. I’ll call him when I get there.”
I’m an hour away from where Shane lives. When I got settled, I called him and told him where I was staying and that I wouldn’t bother him until it was time. And I’ve stuck to that.
Crystal takes me to the hospital and offers to stay with me, but I thank her and then do what I do best, I push her away.
After this is finished, I won’t be going back.
Maddison James will no longer exist.
I call the social worker that has arranged the adoption and let her know it’s time. I don't call Shane until the nurse tells me it won't be much longer. I get his voicemail and leave a quick message.
I don't expect him to be a part of the birth. Just the difficult part.
Two hours later, I’m worn out and exhausted, but the epidural doesn't allow me to feel much pain.
Then the door opens, and Shane walks through. He looks as tired as I probably do, more than likely having driven here from work. It’s awkward with my legs in stirrups and a team of people staring between them, but he strides across the room and stands by my head.
The doctor keeps his focus on me. “All right, Maddie. One more big push. Wait for the contraction, then breathe, and this baby will be out.”
A tear slides down my cheek as I feel Shane's calloused hand cover and then squeeze mine.
I push with everything I have, and moments later, the room is filled with the sounds of my baby screaming.
“Good job, kiddo. It’s a healthy baby girl.” I didn’t want to know the sex at any of the appointments, so I had no idea.
Shane's eyes are glued to the baby as the nurses quickly clean and check her. “A girl. Logan has a daughter.”
It’s no more than a soft, astonished whisper. Thankfully, no one else is paying attention to his words, but I shake my head. “No. A nice couple we don't know has a daughter.”
Shane releases my hand and visibly shakes off the shock, his mouth forming a tight, no-nonsense line. “Right.”
The nurse brings the baby over, smiling down at the beautiful girl. “Would you like to hold her?”
I gnaw on my bottom lip, fighting the urge to reach out and embrace the beautiful baby in her arms. “No.”
She looks slightly taken aback, and Dr. Shields joins us. “You know, Maddie, it’s okay to hold her, to say good-bye.”
I shake my head like a psychopath, terrified to be near her. “No. Can someone please go get Kay Pence, the social worker? She's in the waiting room.”
Dr. Shields nods his head to one of the other nurses, and she smiles over at me. “I’ll page her.”
The nurse holding the baby turns to Shane. “Would you like to hold her?”
He looks like he mi
ght actually do it, but then waves his hand in a pass. “No.”
The nurse takes his no and gives us some space as they clean me up and leave the now-sleeping baby in a clear bassinet as Ms. Pence walks into the room.
She looks Shane over from head to toe and then holds her hand out to him. “I’m assuming you’re the father?”
Shane gives a curt nod. “Shane Keller.”
Kay looks over at the bassinet and then back to us. “She's beautiful.”
I choke back tears, thinking about the sweet face that will forever be branded into my memory, but no words come out.
She sighs and pulls out her folder and pen, sliding her glasses onto her face. “All right.” Her kind eyes land on me. “Maddison, I need to ask you once again. Is this really what you want to do? And are you choosing to give this child up for adoption using your own free will?”
I nod, praying silently that I can hold it together. “Yes. I already told you this,” I snap at her, knowing she has to do this legally but not caring.
She nods and then her focus lands on Shane. “Mr. Keller, I've had a chance to talk with Maddison, but I need to make sure you are fully aware, as well. You’re agreeing to a closed adoption. This means you will not know who your daughter is placed with, and they won't know you. It’s final.”
I watch Shane's Adam’s apple bob in his throat. It’s the only sign that he’s, in fact, human and affected by this. His eyes dart to mine, and I silently plead with him to go through with this. Instead, he looks back at Kay. “Can we please have a second to talk, ma'am?”
She nods and, without a word, walks out into the hall.
Shane looks almost desperate. “Maddie, it’s not too late. You can take that baby,” he lowers his voice, but it only adds intensity, “Logan's baby, to him, and out of here. You don’t have to do this.”
“I do!”
His hands gesture wildly as if he wants to shake me, but he holds back. “No. You don't.”
I push my body upward a little in the bed, the epidural still making me numb from the waist down. “I do, Shane. He left. It worked. Logan went to college.”
