by Emily Sharp
“OK, so you’re not being paid, just interning at first, right?” he said.
Wiping my face with a napkin, I held up my hand, trying to swallow the last bit of food. Then taking a quick drink from my beer, I set it down.
“Sorry. Yeah, so I’ll go in once a week for just a few hours come January. Mark will show me some stuff in the local office just to get an inside look. When I graduate in May, I will be officially hired!” I said, then let out a squeal.
“I'm so glad for you, kiddo, I really am.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I said, then grabbed another taco.
He got up and came back a few moments later and set another beer in front of me. He took a drink of his and then looked at me.
“I hate to be nosy, but Veronica…any luck?”
“You’re not being nosy, but yeah, it’s done. I tried talking to her one more time, and she made it clear she doesn't want me around.”
He frowned. “Man, that is bad. I liked that girl, I really did.”
“I know, I did too. But I tried everything I could, and I can’t reach her. There’s too much she has hidden, a wall I can’t break through. And so, I’ve accepted that it’s over.”
He leaned back in his chair and nodded his head.
“Same with Cathy. We've talked a few times, but she can’t get it through her thick skull that she was in the wrong. Yeah, maybe Veronica shouldn't have yelled at her like that, but I get it. I would’ve done the same.”
“How did everything go from being so perfect to heartbreaking in such a short time?” I glanced over at him.
He pushed back his salt and pepper hair. “I don't know, honey. I just don't know.”
***
It was Christmas morning when I woke up in my old room, and the first thing I thought of was Veronica. She should have been here with me today, waking up together, eating breakfast and watching the classics on TV all day in front of the fire. I wondered if she had kept my gifts and if she had or would open them. But I knew that line of thinking would set me back and lead me down a road I didn’t want to go down again. A road I couldn't go down again.
I headed to the bathroom and showered. Twenty minutes later, I went out to the living room. The fire was already going and the tree sparkled from the lights that adorned it.
“Morning, kiddo! Merry Christmas,” Dad said, hugging me and kissing my cheek.
“Merry Christmas to you.” I kissed him back on the cheek and then ran my fingers along his jaw. “Get rid of that stubble, it’s gross,” I said laughing.
He walked over to the tree and handed me a neatly wrapped box.
“There ya go,” he said.
“Thanks, Dad,” I said, heading back to the couch. Taking the paper off, I opened the cardboard end and a briefcase slid out.
“Wow! This is nice,” I said, holding up the black leather briefcase. I thought about how it would match Veronica’s outfit, and then felt sick, pushing the thought out of my mind.
“You like it?”
“I love it. Thank you.”
He grinned, then looked over at the tree. He was worse than a kid, and I waited a moment just to torment him.
“All right, go ahead, open yours!” I said.
“I was hoping you would say that.” He grabbed the other gift and came to the couch.
“Three guesses?” he said, holding the box.
“Yes, three guesses,” I said rolling my eyes. He did this every Christmas, driving me and mom nuts because every time by the third guess he always guessed what it was.
“Let see…it’s not too heavy. Is it a DVD set?”
“Nope,” I said, a smile on my face.
He turned toward me, holding the box up to his ear, causing me to laugh. He shook it a little.
“Aha, an electric razor!”
“Sorry, buddy, you’re going to strike out!” I said.
Setting the box between us, he waved his hand over it and pretended to do a chant. “Personalized shaving kit made of really nice wood, maybe pine?” he said, ripping open the packaging. A few moments later he lifted it up.
“How do you do that?” I said.
“I’m just that good,” he said, a smile on his face.
***
“You sure you don't want to go?” Dad said, looking down at me. He was going to mom’s grave, something he did every Christmas Day, and I never went. I hadn't been back since the funeral. I just couldn't face dealing with that reminder of her being gone.
“No, you go ahead,” I said.
“All right, love you.” He leaned over and kissed my forehead.
“Love you too,” I said, then turned back to the fire.
I had promised myself I would not think about Veronica. But trying to deny your heart was something I was learning was impossible. I debated whether to send her a text, but decided against it. She had made her intentions clear.
I found myself in an endless loop for the next hour, caught up thinking about her. But the pain of it started making me depressed. Its heavy weight draped over me, as gray and cumbersome as the sky outside.
“I guess it’s over” I whispered, wiping my face. “It’s time to move on.” I had been crying, not only because of my heartbreak of Veronica, but also over making the decision to accept it was over. I had buried myself in school work over the last month trying to ignore it. Pretending I was moving on. And now with free time, I realized I hadn't dealt with the truth and truly accepted it. Having come to it, I felt a little relieved, some weight off my shoulders, but the hurt and my longing for her in my heart wouldn't go away.
***
It was two days after Christmas, and having left Dad’s ten minutes before, I took a different exit and drove to somewhere I hadn't been in ten years. Pulling into the parking lot of the graveyard, I felt a rush of memories flood me. Driving from the church to here. Dad and Mom’s brothers carrying her casket. Watching it lowered into the ground.
Getting out of the car, I pulled my hat down and tightened up my scarf. The sky was overcast, and snow was on its way yet again. Though it had been ten years, I knew right where her grave was. I passed the markers of loved ones gone by, some headstones tall and wide, others just a simple square on the ground. Walking up the gravel path, I went to my left, passing a few plots. I had never seen the headstone but once I came upon it, I began to cry.
It had a picture of mom on it, and she looked so happy like she always did. Her gravesite was clean and I suspected Dad visited here more often than he let on.
I needed to talk to her, to her let her know how much I missed her. At first I found trying to talk nearly impossible.
“Mom, I’m sorry I’ve never been here to visit you,” I said, wiping my eye. I looked over as a family of four walked past, heading to visit their own loved one.
“I never wanted to accept that you were gone and now I have. And it hurts accepting things we don't want to. I met this wonderful girl, her name is Veronica, and well, I love her. I love her so much it hurts. But for whatever reason, fate won’t have us together. I had to accept that, and it kills me inside.”
I looked around the graveyard for a moment then back to her headstone.
“So, in the last day, I’ve accepted you’re gone and never coming back. But I’ve also accepted that the love of my life is gone as well. I'm not going to go down that path I went down before. I am making something of myself, and I know you would be proud of me. Dad is, and we both miss you so much.”
The pain and hurt I held back for so long came out as I stood there and cried. It felt good to let it go and to finally say my goodbye to her.
“I need to get going, but I’ll come back and visit soon, I promise.” Then, after touching her headstone, I walked back to my car.
I felt better saying my goodbyes as I pulled out of the parking area and headed down the road. I realized that even saying goodbye didn't mean you had to let go of love. You just held it that much closer to your heart.
Chapter Eighteen
/> I pulled into the parking lot of the apartments at just a little after three. The snow had started coming down heavily an hour ago, making the long trip even longer. A hot shower, hot chocolate, and curling up on the couch was what I had planned and I was looking forward to it.
Grabbing my new briefcase and duffel bag, I headed toward the apartment just as two men in crisp blue military uniforms walked past me.
“Ma'am,” one said, with a nod of his head.
I had never seen them before and thought it odd but shrugged it off. People came and went around here all the time.
However, as I set my stuff down outside of my door, the sound of a choked sob and then a shriek came to my ear, making my blood turn cold. It came from Travis’s apartment. Rushing over to the door, I leaned in to listen and heard him talking and crying. With my heart beating in my chest, I turned the handle and found the door unlocked and opened it.
Travis sat on the couch, his face buried in his hands. He looked up, his lip quivering, his eyes letting out tears like a river.
“Travis?”
“It’s…it’s…oh, God!” he cried.
I ran over to him, putting my arm around him, as I sat next to him.
“Travis, honey, what is it?”
He shook his head and then slammed his fist on the coffee table. “Alice…” he managed to choke out before sobbing again.
I struggled to understand his ravings. “Honey, what’s wrong? I can’t understand you.”
“Oh, God! Oh God! Oh God!” he kept saying over and over. He turned to me, his eyes wide. “She’s dead. I can’t believe…she’s dead!”
A chill ran down my spine as what he meant sunk in. Goosebumps popped up on my arms and my head began to spin. Alice? Dead?
“Oh, Travis,” I said, pulling him into me and I cried for him as he sobbed on my shoulder, heartbroken for his loss. And though I had never met her in person, I had emailed her often and talked to her through video chat. It was as if I had known her as long as I had known Travis.
That sweet beautiful woman, his wife, was now gone.
He pulled away. “She can’t be dead,” he screamed. “She is supposed to be here! We’re going to have a family. I mean…there’s a crib…oh, God, why?”
I didn't know what to say. All I could do was hold him, rocking him back and forth. My hand rubbed his back as he screamed into my shoulder. I cried with him as I mumbled words of comfort, even though I knew he didn’t really hear them.
He began to ramble, and I just let him. “It’s not right. She was supposed to be here!” he repeated, sitting up, his voice angry. “She was supposed to be here, not in some stupid other country!” His eyes narrowed. His face was red, his fists clenched. “And they blew her up. There’s no body to even bring home!” Then his voice softened to a whisper. “She died Christmas Eve. I sat here waiting to hear from her…and she was already dead. Oh, God, Julie, her body, they blew her up, they…” He looked lost as he shook his head.
I pulled him to me again and continued to hold him. Pulling my phone out, I sent Veronica a text.
“Alice has been killed. Travis just found out. Please come over.”
A minute later, she replied. “On my way.”
Travis sat up. “I’ve got to tell her parents. Oh, God Almighty, how do I tell them?”
I took his hand. “Travis, just tell them what you know. I’ll be here with you. I'm not going anywhere. If you need some help telling them, let me know and I’ll do what I can.”
“I can’t believe this is happening. I wish this was a dream but it’s not, it’s…” He sobbed even harder.
“I know honey, I know,” I said, holding him, wishing I didn’t know, that I didn’t understand what he was going through.
A few minutes later he stood up. “I'm going to my room to call her parents and then mine. Would you mind staying for a bit?”
“I told you, I am not going anywhere. Let me grab my stuff, it’s at my door. I’ll be right back.”
He nodded, then walked back into his room.
I headed out and grabbed my bags just as Veronica walked up. She was in her work uniform, her face looking worried.
“What happened?” she said, walking up.
“I just got home not even an hour ago. She was killed by a bomb is all he knows. He’s calling her parents now.”
“I can’t even imagine…that poor guy,” Veronica said, her hand to her chest.
I opened the door to my apartment and set my bags inside.
We walked over together and sat on the couch. We didn't say anything to each other. A few minutes later I went to the kitchen and made coffee.
“One sugar,” I said, setting a mug in front of her.
“Thanks.” She picked it up and took a sip.
Twenty minutes later Travis came out, and Veronica went to him and held him.
“I'm so sorry, honey,” she said. “You know we love you, and we’re here for you.”
Travis nodded, and when he sat on the couch, I handed him his coffee.
“Her parents…I told her dad, and…her mom, she must’ve known. I could hear her screaming in the background.”
I rubbed his arm, wishing I could take away his pain.
“I, um, I don't know what to do right now,” he said looking at us.
“You don't have to do anything right now. You just need to sit here and let us take care of you.”
“But the funeral? I don't even know…” His voice trailed off. “Dear God, I can’t believe she’s dead. I’ve got to bury her.”
For the next few hours, we held him, letting him release his pain. I knew that this was only the start of the pain and felt horrible for him.
Later that night, he went to bed and Veronica got ready to leave.
“Do you think…he won’t do anything to himself, will he?” I said.
“I don't think so. You will see him more than me. I work nights the rest of this week, so I’ll pop in every day before work.”
“All right, that would be good,” I said.
We walked outside, and I stopped in front of my door. I wanted her to come in to share some coffee and tell me about how her life was going. But that time had passed, a new season had begun.
“Thanks for coming. I’m glad you could be here for him,” I said, opening the door.
“Yeah, so am I.”
And then she walked away, like she had before. But instead of a hug and kiss and a promise to talk soon, it was in silence.
Nodding my head, I went back inside.
***
Three days later I flew out with Travis to the small town of Hilltop, Texas. It was located three hours northwest of Dallas where there was nothing but ranches as far as the eye could see. We had rented a car at the airport, and Travis filled me in about his family's ranch as we made our way there. They ran cattle and dairy and had over five thousand acres. Their family had been there since the early 1800s and rumor had it that Billy the Kid had once stayed at the original home. When we pulled in front of their house, I was impressed. It was modern and really big, not something I expected to see for some reason.
“Thanks again for being here,” Travis said as we got out of his car.
I put my hand on his. “Of course, honey,” I said.
The funeral was set for two days away, and I wanted to be here for him. Veronica would be arriving tomorrow night but would stay at a local motel.
As we walked up the steps to the front porch, his parents came out to meet us. His dad was the spitting image of his son with curly brown hair and wearing a long-sleeved shirt, jeans, and cowboy boots. His mother was a tiny thing with silver running through her dark hair.
“Oh, son,” his mom said, pulling him in and holding him. I stood there in silence while the three of them hugged.
“Mom, Dad, this is my best friend, Julie. Julie, this is Derek and Emily.”
“Nice to meet you both,” I said, shaking their hands. “I wish it was under different circumstances.”
“I’m so glad to finally meet you,” his mom said. “Travis has told us so much about you.”
“Come on in,” his dad said. “Let’s get out of this cold.” I smiled. It was sixty degrees, but this was Texas and sixty to them was freezing.
The interior of the house was beautifully decorated. Its cream-colored walls were covered in all sorts of paintings and photos of cowboys and cattle. A couch and several wingback chairs sat around the massive fireplace in a spacious living room. Just off the living room was an amazing kitchen with over-sized modern appliances and pine cabinets. The island in the middle could seat twelve, and the large dining area off to the side could seat another twenty. I could picture dinners with all the ranch hands and family around the table like in the old cowboy movies.
“Here you go, hun,” Emily said, handing me a glass of lemonade.
“Thank you.” I took the glass and tentatively took a sip. It was definitely homemade and tasted delicious.
We sat around the kitchen table, and as he explained to his parents what he knew about Alice’s death, he began to cry. I held his hand as tears ran down my face unchecked.
“Now, everything is taken care of for the service,” Derek said. You could see the pain in his eyes.
“I still can’t believe this is happening,” Travis said, looking up at the ceiling. “I feel so numb.”
His mom came over and held him as he sobbed. Derek nodded to me and we went into the living room, giving them some privacy.
“I really appreciate you being there for him,” Derek said as we sat in front of the fireplace. “I don’t know if he could’ve done it alone.”
“I was glad to be there. He’s been a great friend, and it breaks my heart to see him hurting so badly.”
Derek nodded just as Emily and Travis joined us.
“I have to go to her parents’ place for a while,” Travis said. “Julie, are you going to be fine here?”
“Of course. It’s not a problem.”
“Well, I'm going to get some dinner started soon,” Emily said. “If you want, you can join me in the kitchen.”
“I would love to,” I said, standing up and following her.
