Me Without You

by Mindy Hayes

  “Stop gawking. Your turn.”

  I roll my shoulders, trying to loosen up. I thought this night was going to be a good way to relax, but I think I’m tenser than she is. Her head falls back as she laughs. If only I could be the one to make her laugh like that. Focus, I tell myself. I really don’t want this night to backfire.

  I take my shot. And scratch.

  “Dude.” Dean laughs. “Are you even trying? What is the point of playing if you’re not even going to play? We could have stayed by the girls if all you want to do is stare.”

  “I like watching her from here when she’s relaxed. She gets so snarky and uptight when I’m around. And while I love that, it’s also nice to see her enjoying herself and taking it easy for once. She looks happy.”

  Dean pauses. “I get that.” He bends over the table and gages his next shot. “When Sawyer came back and wanted nothing to do with me, I’d sometimes walk past the bakery to see her smile.” Aims. Makes his next move. Sinks it. “I realize how stalkerish that sounds—”

  “But I get it. Even is she’s not smiling at you, at least she’s smiling.”

  Dean peers over at Sawyer, and everything else is erased from his eyes. “Exactly.”

  I exhale. Even if I’m not the one to put the smile on her face, I’ll take it.

  ALIX

  AFTER A FEW songs, the guys come back.

  “Oh, I let you win, so your wife can keep believing you’re this big stud you pretend to be.”

  “He is a big stud,” Sawyer says and Dean wraps his arm around her, gently placing his hand on her stomach.

  “See. She doesn’t need any convincing.” He nuzzles his face into her neck.

  It’s been months. One would think they’d be out of the honeymoon phase by now, but apparently that’s not the case. It may never end for them. They’re going to be one of those so-perfect-its-nauseating type couples, aren’t they?

  “Next time I suggest not scratching or knocking the cue ball into any of the pockets. Kind of gives your opponent an advantage.”

  “Hardy-har-har,” Aiden says sardonically.

  “Let’s a get a booth. My back is starting to kill me,” Sawyer says, reaching behind to her lower back. “It needs some support.”

  “Gosh,” I say. “Pregnancy makes you so needy.”

  She glares dryly at me, but knows I’m kidding. My smirk gives me away.

  “You better watch what you say,” Aiden interjects, half grinning. “We all know the pregnancy has nothing to do with it.”

  The chuckle comes before I can stop it.

  “I know where you sleep at night, Aiden Ballard,” Sawyer warns and sits next to Dean in the only empty booth left in the club.

  Aiden’s amusement is written all over his face as he scoots in. It hits me that I have to sit next to him. In close quarters. The booth isn’t big enough for us to have any personal space. I can’t breathe. When I hesitate at the edge, he looks up at me with a funny expression. Don’t hesitate. He smells fear. I plop beside him, and the cushion shifts with our weight, evening out. His thigh brushes mine, and I jump.

  Aiden gives me a funny look and then laughs at my expense when it dawns on him. He makes me nervous and he revels in it. I cross my arms and make myself as small as possible. If we don’t touch, he can’t affect me. Science.

  “How’s Savannah doing?” Sawyer asks.

  “Bitter,” Aiden replies.

  “Who’s Savannah?” I ask before I think better of it and turn my attention to my straw, shoving it in my mouth before I can say anything else. What if it’s some girl he’s been dating who I don’t know about? I don’t want to care. I don’t care.

  I care.

  “My little sister. Remember her?”

  Duh. Get ahold of yourself, Fink. You’re just sitting next to the guy and he’s already making you forget names. “Right. That little sister you have.”

  “I have two older twin sisters, too…Camille and Lydia,” Aiden offers. “In case you forgot.”

  I didn’t forget. I don’t think he’s mentioned more than Savannah before. But it makes so much sense now. A man in a family full of women. No wonder he’s so persistent. He’s used to digging for answers and the silent treatment.

  “Would you two like some alone time to get reacquainted?” Sawyer eyes swing back and forth. “It feels as though you’re a little rusty on the details.”

  I glare at Sawyer.

  “Oh,” Aiden interjects and looks at me with too much pleasure, like he’s about to say something he knows I’m not going to like. “I’d say we know each other rather well. She’s the most stubborn, abrasive, frustrating woman who—”

  I’d rather not let him finish that. “And he’s a cocky, maddening fool who doesn’t know when to let go.”

  “Aaaaand…that’s our cue. Come dance with me.” Sawyer grabs Dean’s hand and pulls him up with her. He doesn’t fight her. I’m pretty sure he says yes to everything she says now. Smart man.

  “I’m coming with you.”

  “No.” She stops me, literally holding her palm up to keep me in place. “You’re staying here.”

  “But—” She’s somehow already perfected the mom glare. I shrink back into my seat. They walk/dance onto the dance floor.

  Aiden laughs beside me.

  “What’s so funny, chuckles?”

  “She’s good. For a second, I almost cowered.”

  I pout like a daddy’s girl who didn’t get the newest Prada bag, folding my arms over my chest. It’s not lost on me how ridiculous I look, but I don’t like being told what to do. Especially when it means I’m stuck with him. Sawyer’s tormenting me on purpose. It’s payback for all the times I forced her out of her house after Grayson. But I was only trying to help. And then it clicks. She thinks she’s helping by leaving us alone. All she’s doing is making it harder for me to resist him.

  “You didn’t let me finish, Squid,” Aiden says, leaning in. His voice caresses my ear.

  I suppress a shiver. Why does he think it’s okay to invade my space? “I heard enough.”

  Invade my space.

  “I think maybe you didn’t.”

  I shift to face him. He gradually pulls away with his signature cocky grin. It’s both irritating and completely charming. He hasn’t been this Aiden in months. I’m so twisted in the head, I might make stupid decisions even without the assistance of liquid courage.

  “What is this night really?” I ask.

  Aiden lifts a shoulder. “We haven’t all hung out since, what…” he pauses, trying to place it, “high school? It’s a chance for friends to unwind and have a fun night. We used to do that occasionally.” The way he says it doesn’t sound like he has an ulterior motive, but he always does. I shouldn’t be surprised.

  “Is it? Is it, really?” I ask, unconvinced.

  He sighs like he’s irritated with me, like I’m the one being difficult. “You’re the one making it more. I’m just talking.” Aiden drapes his arm along the back of the booth and relaxes back. “You’re out of the house. No work. No responsibilities tonight. Just chill and stop overanalyzing for once.”

  I hate it when he’s right. I hate it even more when it sounds like a lecture. We don’t talk for a good five minutes. He people watches, and I pretend like I’m not doing everything in my power to try and relax. I just can’t. The silence is weird. We don’t do silence. Ever.

  For lack of anything better to ask, I decide to continue a conversation we started all those years ago but never finished because…well, kissing interrupted us. Back before Mama was my life and Bridget Dalton happened and life spiraled out of control.

  “So, how did you get lucky enough to leave this town?” I stir what’s left of my drink casually.

  As if we’ve been talking amiably all night, he answers, but doesn’t look at me. “My grandparents were determined to raise me right. They put aside some of the insurance money when my parents died to make sure I could go to college. A good college. Not some
community college a town over. They wanted me to make something of myself.”

  “How’s that working out for you?” I ask wryly.

  He looks at me out of the corner of his eye and smiles. “I’m still working on it. I think.”

  I crack a smile. His widens. I regain control of my heart. It’s just a smile, Alix. Stop being so easy.

  “And this business you all of a sudden took over for your grandpa?”

  Aiden looks off distantly at the crowd building on the dance floor. “It used to be my dad’s, actually. Gramps had just retired when my parents died, but he knew what it meant to my dad, so he stepped up until I could.”

  “Then why’d you work at Dean’s garage when you came back?”

  “I needed something quick, and he needed me. Josh was unpredictable, believe it or not.” He breathes a quick, dry laugh and my blood becomes lava. Even hearing his name fuels my disgust. Some things are unforgiveable, and Josh is one that can never be redeemed. If Dean hadn’t run him out of town, I sure would have.

  Aiden continues, “Gramps wasn’t quite ready to bring me on yet. I needed quick cash to get on my feet and buy a place in town, so I offered. He accepted. And then Dean’s business started to do really well all of a sudden, and I enjoyed working with him. When he bought Sprinkles he offered the garage to me, and I couldn’t let the business he built from the ground up be handed over to some stranger, so I took it.” He shrugs like it isn’t a big deal, but to me it is. “I think the rest is basically history. Dean stayed. We moved on from Preston Motor Sports and let my Gramps step down. As hard as it was for him—since it gave him purpose—he was ready to hand it over.”

  Everything I thought I knew about Aiden was solidified in that minute. Aiden is loyal. Aiden is dedicated. Aiden will ruin me. “You and Dean make a good team,” I say, but I don’t think it’s much above a whisper.

  He finally looks at me. I’ve never seen a more sincere look in his eyes. I wish I didn’t like it so much. “He’s the brother I never had.” Under the dim lights of the club, his blue eyes are more captivating than ever. Like liquid sapphires. My palms are sweaty. Subtly, I drag them across my jeans to calm them down.

  I can’t keep eye contact, so I search for Dean and Sawyer on the dance floor. A slower song plays, and I find them swaying, holding each other close. Sawyer’s belly keeps them just far enough apart that you can tell she’s pregnant. Dean rests his forehead against hers and takes her left hand from around his neck. He kisses the inside of her wrist, places it back around his neck and closes his eyes.

  “They’re so adorable, it’s disgusting.”

  “Do you not remember them in high school?” Aiden asks. He moves forward and rests his elbows on the table. His shift positions his leg lightly against mine, from ankle to thigh. This time I don’t jump. I don’t move either. I let the touch of his warm leg against mine thaw my frozen heart. “I had to hold down my puke at least once a day.”

  I’m having a hard time catching my breath. I open my mouth and pray to Allah that my voice comes out normal. “I chose to avoid them together at all costs in high school. It was better for everyone that way.”

  “I remember,” he says distantly. “You chose to avoid me at all costs too.”

  “Avoidance by association,” I say apologetically.

  Aiden laughs, a throaty, low chuckle. One that almost makes him seem bashful. His eyes shy away from me and down. How have I never noticed his laugh before? I want to say more things that make him laugh. When he’s not playing cocky man-child, he’s somehow self-conscious, and it’s incredibly endearing.

  “Yeah,” he says faintly. I almost can’t hear him. “I remember that all too well.” His tone completely changes. Maybe it wasn’t bashful. Maybe I mistook the look. Was it sadness…rejection? I feel like there’s more that I don’t know, but I’m too scared to ask. So I don’t.

  “Alix…” One word. I feel him everywhere, and he’s barely touching me. His voice holds me hostage. My heart is pounding. I think it might break free of my chest. His eyes rise. I don’t want to know what’s going to follow that, and yet I’d die to hear it.

  Sawyer and Dean walk up to our table and he stops. “I’m pooped,” Sawyer says. “We’re going to head home.”

  Fetch. “Already? It’s only…” I flick on the light on my phone, “ten.”

  “Poppy’s taken it out of me.”

  “Poppy?” I lift a brow.

  “It’s just what we’re calling the little nugget until we decide on a name. We named her when she was the size of a poppy seed.” Sawyer tenderly rubs her belly. “Anyway, my feet are so swollen I think they’re going to pop. Let’s get together again soon. Not just a stop by the bakery or chatting on the phone. We need to do this again before another year passes.”

  I smile. “Okay. I’ll see what I can manage. I should probably go too. Your grandma needs to get to bed too.”

  “No,” Sawyers attempts to convince me. “You guys should stay a little longer. Don’t leave on our account. The night is still young. Go dance! It’s good for you.” She looks directly at me, like an older sister would, like she knows best.

  I didn’t secure my armor tightly enough. I look to Aiden to tell him we should go, but he looks so hopeful and hot. Gosh, he looks so hot tonight. He styled his hair in a shortish faux hawk, but tonight it’s not as tidy as it normally is. It’s tousled like he’s been running his fingers through it all night. I want to run my fingers through it. Stop it, Alix. Stop it. Aiden casts his baby blue eyes on me, waiting for me to let him down and tell him we should go.

  I don’t have anything to cloud my judgment this time, I rationalize. Nothing will happen if I don’t let it. I can have self-control for five more minutes. “Maybe just one song.”

  AIDEN

  “YOU HEARD THE woman,” I say.

  I know Gran is fine. She told me to keep Alix out until midnight, but I told myself I wouldn’t push Alix. I want her to want to stay with me tonight. Sawyer and Dean move to the side to let us out of the booth.

  “One,” she repeats, facing me.

  I’ll take it. “As you wish.”

  We wave to Sawyer and Dean as they leave, and I follow Alix to the dancing crowd. The band finished their last set before we got to the dance floor, so it’s music from the DJ now. Alix keeps her distance and unabashedly throws her arms up in the air and smiles. I tuck it away so I can keep it where no one can take it from me. I could count on one hand the amount of times she’s smiled at me like this. And each time, no matter how long I have to wait, is worth it.

  It’s my first day back at school. My first day back since I lost them. I wanted to come back for a distraction so badly, anything to keep my mind off the fact that my parents were dead and they shouldn’t be. But there are no distractions. I’m the distraction. The looks don’t stop. I can’t go one passing period without the sea of students parting for me. Even Dean doesn’t know what to say. Josh is avoiding me completely. But can I really blame him?

  I keep telling myself to put one foot in front of the other. Just one foot is one more step toward the end of the day.

  I walk with my head down, so I don’t have to see their expressions. With my head down I can block them out. I could call Gran and have her come get me. She would do it. She would understand. The school would let me. They said as much. But I want to know I’m strong enough. If I can’t handle one day at school without them, how will I survive the rest of my life?

  Finally the end of the day comes.

  I take a deep breath as I open my locker and put my books inside. I close my locker and look to my left as it clangs shut. She’s looking at me, and she’s beautiful. I’m not sure that our eye contact is intentional. Honestly, I think she looked over at the sound of my locker slamming shut. But when our stare lasts longer than a couple seconds, she lifts the corner of her mouth and offers a simple smile. There’s no pity, no sadness—not even an apology. She just smiles.

  There are still stare
s and glances of curiosity and pity. Words whispered behind hands and under their breath as they walk by. My world has come crashing down, but in this moment, none of that can touch me.

  Because for the first time...Alix Fink is smiling at me.

  The songs start bleeding into one another, but Alix doesn’t stop dancing. Her body dances close enough to mine that she occasionally brushes against me, but that’s all it is. A subtle touch. Just enough of a tease to torment me. Though I know she’s not doing it intentionally, I swear I see her smirk every time she pulls away. She turns her back to me, and I rest my hand on her hip, keeping her just close enough. I bow my head beside hers. My limit of self-control is struggling to stay in tact. If she pushes any further the dang thing will shatter. I’m not sure how many songs play out when the music slows. I wait for her.

  “What do ya say?” she asks me as she turns. “One for the road?”

  I don’t answer. I close my hand tightly around her waist and press her against me, taking her hand with my other. Her fingers link perfectly between mine. She’s had enough fun, so now it’s my turn. Alix might push me away, but for now she doesn’t, and I’m going to take advantage of the moment. For just a minute I need to feel her, to breathe her in.

  “Thank you,” she says as we sway.

  I press my cheek against her soft skin and ask into her ear, “For what?”

  “Forcing me out tonight.” I feel her swallow. “I know I can be a pain in the butt to deal with, so I guess thank you for not giving up. For being a good friend tonight and letting me have a night away.”

  It stings to get the friend card, but she’s thanking me, so I accept it with appreciation. Baby steps. “You’re welcome.”

  I inhale, smelling her hair. It’s a creepy move, I know. But she smells so dang good—coconut and sweat—I can’t control myself. I press my nose against her neck, tormenting myself. Just an inch and my mouth would press to her skin. If I’m not mistaken, I feel her shift closer to me, nestling her head into mine. She quietly sighs. I don’t think she meant for me to hear her.