Nowhere Left to Hide (The Royal Trilogy Book 3)

by Kat Mizera

  “Is this going to be okay for you?” I asked, shifting my body into a position where I’d be able to thrust up and into her.

  “Yes.” She looked down into my face. “I need to see you while you make love to me… feel every inch of you deep inside of me… watch your face when you come.”

  “Fuck, yes.” I used my fingers to spread her open and then pushed deep. She sank down at the same time and leaned forward to press her forehead to mine.

  “This is what I’d dream about when you were gone,” she whispered. “The way you loved me, the way there’s never been anything but us…no matter how hard I tried to move on, nothing could ever be this good.”

  Sweet lord, she was heavenly. I couldn’t even move it felt so good, and I gripped her ass with my hands. “There hasn’t been anyone but you since the first time you let me touch you,” I said softly. “You ruined me for all other women. The thought of doing this with anyone else…”

  My voice faded as she shifted, her pussy clenching around me, making us both sigh.

  “Do you love me?” she asked, her eyes focusing on mine. They were bright blue right now, glittering with passion and intensity and…longing? Jesus, did she really need to ask.

  “I do. More than life itself.”

  She rocked her hips forward, allowing me maximum penetration, and I almost shot off right then. I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to hold on longer, but between eleven years of celibacy and being bare inside of her, there was only so much I could take.

  “Ah, baby, this is too much…too good.”

  “You always say that,” she teased.

  “Cause you’re fucking amazing.”

  “Uh huh.” She leaned up and in to kiss me, her tongue swirling with mine as she slowly gyrated on my lap.

  I didn’t want to hurt her aching ribs but I couldn’t hold back, and I picked up the pace, driving in deeper and harder until she started to shudder. Then I came with a roar, my body jerking against hers, my mouth fastened to hers greedily. Emotion and passion morphed into one, keeping our bodies locked and orgasms rolling over and over each other until we collapsed in sheer exhaustion.

  Damn, how was it always this good? In bed, the shower, the floor, it was always mind-bending. Like nothing could be as perfect as when we made love. I sounded like a damn idiot when I thought these things, but I couldn’t help it.

  “I’m stuck,” she giggled against my shoulder.

  “Stuck?” I slid back in the chair to give her room to get her balance and she winced as she stood up. “Hurting?” I asked.

  She nodded.

  “Come on.” I took her hand as I got to my feet. “Let’s clean up and get into bed. And put your sling back on.”

  She smiled. “Yes, Your Greatness.”

  I laughed.

  We dozed off for a while, though I was more content to watch her sleep than anything else. I was becoming a sappy, romantic fool, but that was okay. I was happy for the first time in a long time and it was because of the gorgeous woman beside me. Now if I could just figure out how to keep her here, I’d be ecstatic.

  “We can’t do this again,” she said after a while, rousing me from my sleepy state.

  “What?” I blinked awake in confusion.

  “We, well, I, can’t do this, half-in, half-out thing.” She sounded defeated and sad, which woke me up in a hurry. “We’re repeating history and I can’t do it, babe. I love you with all that I am, but I know you’re not going to fight for us, and having you for a few stolen moments here and there will eventually eat away at me until it destroys our love.”

  “What do you mean by I won’t fight?” I asked in confusion.

  “You want to protect me, no matter what the cost, and I love you for that, but all we have is now. One life, one chance at forever, and I can see you’re not willing to fight for it.”

  “At the expense of your life? Or Luke’s? No, I’m not.”

  “I know. That’s why you have to go. And not come back.” She’d slowly pulled herself from my arms and was getting to her feet.

  “What does that mean? You never want to see me again?” I sat up and reached for her, turning her so I could look into her beautiful but sad eyes.

  “I’m so happy you’re alive,” she whispered, not even trying to hide the tears puddling in her eyes. “But if we can’t be together, if you’re not going to fight for our future and the future of our son, then I’m not willing to settle for a few random hours of sex once in a while. When I’m a hundred years old and dying, I want to think back on my life without regrets. I don’t know if that’s possible without you, but I have to try because the last ten years have taken a lot out of me.”

  “I understand.” I didn’t but I couldn’t tell her that. If this was what she needed to be happy, I didn’t have to understand, I just had to do it. I’d do anything for her, no matter how much I hated it.

  “I don’t know when you gave up on us, on your life, on yourself, but I would do anything for us to be together while you seem content to go with the flow.”

  “Is that what you think?” I demanded incredulously, staring at her in confusion. “That I gave up?”

  “I love you,” she said, pressing her lips to the underside of my jaw. “Nothing will ever change that, but this isn’t enough. Not after all I’ve been through. I’ve suffered and cried and ached for you for eleven years and I’m exhausted. The last few weeks have proven that I can’t do it anymore.”

  “You think I haven’t suffered?” I asked, something in my chest tightening painfully.

  “I’m sure you have, but you’ve also made all the decisions, and I see the pattern we’re following. It’s been weeks since I found out you were alive and you came back to me, but you haven’t said a word about the future. I asked you to marry me and you kind of dodged the question… I don’t know when you gave up on us, but now you’ve given up on yourself too, and that’s so much harder to watch.”

  “Honey, I don’t…” I wanted to protest, tell her she was wrong and that I was going to bust my ass to keep her here with me, but I didn’t know how to make that happen. At the end of the day, I’d spent eleven years trying to find a way for us to be together without sacrificing her safety or Luke’s, and I’d come up with nothing. It wasn’t that I’d given up, it was simply that I didn’t know how to fight without getting her killed. Or maybe I was full of shit and nothing but a failure. Maybe I’d been telling myself the same lies over the years because it was easier than admitting defeat. The lies I’d been telling myself were the ones that hurt the most. They may have been necessary for survival when this had started, but that didn’t help me now. And right now, losing her again was going to hurt like a motherfucker.

  “Please don’t go,” I whispered, resting my chin on her good shoulder.

  “I have to,” she whispered back. “You’re going to destroy me all over again. Every time we say goodbye my heart breaks a little.”

  “Give me a little time,” I said weakly. “I’ll think of something.”

  “You’ve had eleven years to think of something.” She leaned back so her soft hair flowed across my chest, her head eventually resting there. “Tell me you love me, Your Greatness,” was all she said.

  Why did I love it so much when she called me that? “I fucking love you more than anything.”

  “I don’t have the strength to stay away from you so I need it to be you that stays away.”

  “What if I don’t have that kind of strength either?”

  “You’ve been that strong for eleven years.” She shuddered slightly and I realized she was crying harder now, though she hadn’t made a sound.

  “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.” I wrapped one arm around her waist and held her tight, memorizing every line of her body, the way she smelled, even the way she sounded when she cried. I hadn’t hesitated to give her up when I’d been afraid for her life, but watching her walk away this time would be excruciating. Because I should have been man enough to protect her wi
thout letting her go. Unfortunately, I wasn’t.

  21

  Casey

  Sometimes I wondered what I’d ever done to have such a clusterfuck for a life. Yes, I’d been born with talent and had achieved more success than most people, but damn, if this was the trade-off, I’d give back some of the success in exchange for just a touch of serenity. Erik had left me, ostensibly for good this time, while Liz was still here, hovering at Jay’s side and somehow inserting herself into my life more than ever before. I wanted all of them to leave me the fuck alone, but no one seemed to give a shit what I wanted.

  I was irrationally angry at Erik right now, which didn’t make much sense since I’d been the one to send him away, but Jesus fucking Christ, why didn’t he love me enough to stay? Why did he always choose the path that kept us apart? We could and would protect Luke—for all intents and purposes he was Nick’s son—but I was willing to take the risk for my own happiness. In some ways, death would be better than living the rest of my life without him. I didn’t want to die, of course, and I would never intentionally put myself in harm’s way because I had too much to live for, but the way I felt without him wasn’t really living. My children were wonderful, but Sasha was an adult and in her own relationship, Luke was almost a teenager and on the verge of exploring all things hormonal, and the twins were no longer babies. With my children growing more independent and less needy, when would I get the chance to start making my own choices?

  “Mom, we’re hungry,” Jessie announced, startling me out of my dark thoughts.

  “Where’s Marisol?” I asked absently.

  “She’s doing laundry. Can you get us a snack?”

  I looked down at three pairs of eager eyes and got to my feet, heading to the kitchen. Leni had been here for nearly a week now, and while I didn’t mind having her—Luke and the twins loved her—the irony didn’t escape me. Had she been ill-behaved or a pain in the ass, I would have sent her right back to Liz or Tricia, but she was sweet and kept the twins entertained, which helped my state of mind and kept them from wondering about everything in the media. The press was having a field day with the “unknown woman” lurking at Jay’s bedside, but with her background as a spy, Liz managed to escape them whenever she came and went. Personally, I didn’t give a shit, except for the impact the news was having on the kids. No matter how hard I tried to keep them away from gossip, it found them. Short of taking away all access to both the internet and contact with their friends, it would be impossible, so I spent my days doing damage control.

  Jay was coming home today and I didn’t know if I was relieved or annoyed. I couldn’t imagine how we would fall back into our dynamic as a family again, not after everything that had happened, but I couldn’t tell him not to come home. Well, I probably could, but that would require a level of bitch I didn’t have the energy for. I was too busy missing Erik and trying to tamp down the worried feeling in my gut while simultaneously doing my best to make the kids feel secure. After ten years I’d finally stopped feeling afraid and overwhelmed, confident in my life choices and the direction it had taken without Erik. Now I was back to overwhelmed and emotional, which bothered me.

  “Is my mom staying here now too?” Leni asked me as we ate lunch.

  “No,” I told her. “But you guys can come visit every day, or as much as you want to.”

  “It’s fun here,” she said, resting her cheek in her hand. “At home it’s usually just me and my dad or me and Mommy, but here there’s always lots of people.”

  “Maybe your mom and dad will move here,” Joss said, grinning.

  “Leni’s parents run a big hotel in Monte Carlo,” I said. “The way Uncle Nick does. It would be hard for them to move here.” At least I hoped so. Having Liz living nearby—with Jayson—would bother me a lot. Not because Liz had Jayson, but because she was having a relationship I would never have because Erik refused to even try.

  “Maybe I can come every summer,” Leni said, a sadness in her voice I hadn’t heard before.

  “You can come any time, sweetie,” I told her gently. I made a mental note to mention this to Erik because it seemed as though Liz was completely distracted by other things right now. I was struggling with our relationship because while I still cared about her, I was having a tough time with what she’d done. The fact that Jay and I had been having problems wasn’t an excuse for her infidelity. His, maybe. But her? No way. She’d chosen to marry a man who didn’t love her and Jay had known I was emotionally broken from day one. Part of me was happy they’d found each other, that they cared for each other and seemed to make each other happy, but what about everyone around them? We had five kids between us, with a sixth on the way. Jay and I had millions of dollars wrapped up in Pretty Harts, and two other band members counting on us. We ran the recording studio together, and even though his name wasn’t on it, all the new stuff we were doing with digital technology was his bailiwick. We owned houses, cars, and all kinds of investments, so a divorce would be complicated.

  He seemed to think we could just carry on with the status quo, but that would never work for me. Finding Erik again had changed everything in my head and my heart, and if Erik and I couldn’t be together, I’d rather be alone. I’d now married two men I loved but wasn’t in love with and in my heart of hearts, I was positive the only other man I’d ever marry was Erik. If that couldn’t happen, then I was done. No more white picket fences for me. Although I hadn’t planned to push him away the other day when we’d been together, I’d realized I was done with all this heartache and drama. After everything that had happened, I had to be content with my children and my music. I didn’t need or want another man. Erik was all I’d ever wanted and, yet again, he’d left. I’d hoped he wouldn’t this time, that he’d rise to my unconscious challenge, but he hadn’t and that action spoke much louder than any words. And it fucking hurt.

  That night, as I helped Jay get ready for bed, I wondered how the hell the sleeping arrangements were going to work. Sleeping beside him was easy; we’d been doing it without much in the way of intimacy for years now. It wasn’t the same anymore, though, and I considered sleeping in the guest room.

  “You okay?” Jay asked me as I helped him onto the bed using my good arm.

  “I’m fine.”

  “You look uncomfortable and I’d have to be an idiot not to know why.”

  “We can’t pretend we’re still married,” I said softly. “At least not like before. I can’t sleep beside you knowing you’re thinking about Liz and—”

  “I lay here knowing you were thinking about Erik for ten years,” he interrupted.

  My mouth fell open. “Seriously? You believe I was thinking about a dead man every time we were in bed together?” I shook my head. “That’s bullshit and you know it.”

  “I just meant—”

  “I don’t care what you meant, that was a terrible thing to say. Yes, I thought about him a lot, but never when we were in bed. You’re just trying to make yourself feel better about having an affair and, frankly, I’m kind of over it. I’m going to the guest room.” I grabbed my pillow and turned away.

  “Casey, wait,” Jay called after me. “I’m not physically able to chase you so would you please slow down?”

  I stopped by the door but didn’t turn right away. “What?”

  “Okay, what I said came out wrong. I just meant I got involved with you, knowing you still loved him, and I had to live with that the whole time we were together. What I lived with had been permanent, knowing you would always love him more than me, but this, what we’re doing now, is temporary. Until we figure out what’s going on and how to keep everyone safe.”

  “Sasha and the twins are safe, and I’ll make sure Luke has what he needs. Sandor will never leave us and Nick wouldn’t let anything happen anyway.”

  “This isn’t what I wanted,” he said quietly, meeting my eyes. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “I know.”

  “But you’re angry. Why are you so a
ngry when you never loved me anyway?”

  I shook my head. “You really don’t understand, do you?” I went and sat on the edge of the bed. “I do love you. I always have. It’s different than what I had with Erik, and I don’t know how to explain it, but I’ve never looked at another man since we’ve been together, never cheated, never even thought about it. The fact that you fell in love with one of my friends hurts. It’s more of a betrayal of everything I’ve trusted you with these last few years than anything else.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I probably could have handled this a dozen different ways but the gambling addiction had me focused on myself. I’m truly sorry for hurting you, Casey. And I hope you know that your secrets—our secrets—were never and will never be betrayed. Liz already knew everything and she didn’t tell me about Erik. I saw him with Leni and realized he was Liz’s husband when I heard her call him Daddy. So I walked up and introduced myself. I wasn’t a hundred percent sure it was Erik, but I had suspicions and when I confronted Liz, she admitted it. There was never a time I told anyone anything about you, Luke or our family. And I never will.”

  It was his first genuine apology and now I was even more confused. My original anger had morphed into sadness and resignation, but now I didn’t know if I should stay, go, or do something else. Why was everything so complicated?

  “Don’t sleep in the guest room. Please? Let’s figure out the right way to talk to the kids about everything before they see us in different beds.”

  “They’ve already asked about your girlfriend and whether or not we’re getting divorced.”

  He sighed. “Shit. I didn’t want this, Casey. I hope you believe that.”

  “Do you love her, Jay?” I met his gaze directly. “Like, with every ounce of your soul? Do you ache for her when you’re apart? Does the idea that she’s carrying your baby make you feel all happy inside?”