Moonglass

by Jessi Kirby

  “So, how ’bout it, boys? Tonight’s the night you become men and carry on the tradition started so many years ago by our very own Boss Ryan. So strip down. Nudity is required for rookies. Evans, you collect their boxers at the waterline. The rest of you have earned the right to your shorts, if you wish. I will be jumping naked, in support of these poor saps.” The veteran guards again cheered and raised their cups, and the rookies stood up, resigned to their fate.

  I didn’t move. People elbowed each other around me, laughing. Ashley was saying something, James and Tyler were walking over to us, and I didn’t move. I sat spinning, marveling. I’d known they’d met at the cove, but that was it. Not that my dad had been this reckless and wild kid, not that my mom had been a—“cottage girl.” Had she stayed here? Lived here? Ashley’s hand on my shoulder interrupted all of the questions that swirled around. She was still giggling.

  “So that crazy kid was your dad? And the girl he grabbed was your mom? That’s the cutest story! They must love to tell it!”

  I nodded, staring down into the fire. “Yeah, it’s an old family favorite.”

  James bent down to me and Ashley. “You ladies, of course, are exempt from this requirement of the party. Although you’re more than welcome to join in.”

  Ashley pulled a blanket over her shoulders. “I think I’ll wait right here.” She looked over at the rookies, who were now down to their underwear. “Are any of them cute enough for a kiss? Maybe one is my future husband.”

  “Not likely,” replied James. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to go disrobe.” He tipped his straw hat, winked, and walked off down to the waterline, where everyone had gathered. I looked from the inky blackness of the water to the towering silhouette of Ab Rock, and then stood.

  “Wait up! I’m in.” I got up and in one swift motion pulled my sundress over my head. I wasn’t going to get naked, but I figured my bra and underwear were pretty much the same thing as a bathing suit. I needed to clear my head.

  Ashley turned and looked up at me, giggles gone. “Anna! You’re gonna, like, die out there or something, and then it’ll be this big tragedy, and then I’ll miss you—”

  “Come on, Ryan. We’re waiting!” James yelled.

  “Relax, Ash. I can handle myself.” My voice came out flat, and I flashed on James’s story. “I’m like a mermaid.”

  Everyone stood on the beach facing the water, and I was glad, because the only thing James was wearing was his straw cowboy hat and a whistle around his neck. He lifted the whistle to his lips and blew. The four rookies I had seen at the fire, plus two more who had probably been hiding, dropped their boxers, and everyone ran out into the water.

  It was a sloppy mess at first, naked white butts and all. I was surprised at how uncoordinated I felt when I first dove in, and I hoped that being in the water would clear the champagne haze in my head. I dove under and opened my eyes to nothing but fuzzy black. I forced myself to concentrate on the coolness, which was enough to sober me up a bit but not to keep me from thinking of here. Here. A cottage girl. When I came up through the glassy surface, I was in the middle of the group of shiny heads. I treaded water for a second, trying to pick out Tyler.

  “Hey.” He swam up from the side. “You okay out here?” He was close enough for me to see the water droplets on his face.

  “Yeah. I’m fine. I’m my father’s daughter, remember.” I said it with such bite, Tyler seemed puzzled. I couldn’t even begin to describe how I felt about my dad at the moment. Instead I pulled myself forward in the water, and Tyler went with me.

  I turned to him and tried to brighten my tone. “So, you had to do this last year?”

  “Yep.” He nodded, went under, and then resurfaced a few feet in front of me. “It’s a long way down from up there. Longer if you get the landing wrong. You gonna jump?”

  I turned over onto my back and kicked. “Tradition is tradition, right?”

  “All right, then. Let’s go.”

  At this we both settled into an easy freestyle stroke and pulled ahead of the group. As we neared the rock, it grew taller, the face of it steeper. I concentrated on swimming and willed myself to have the guts to follow through on the jump. When we got to the base, Tyler and I treaded water and looked straight up. I had to tilt my head way back to see the top of the rock. The surge of a wave pushed us gently into it, and I kicked back off with the balls of my feet.

  Tyler turned to me. “Okay. The next surge that comes through, ride it and use it to get up onto that little ledge.” He pointed to the faint outline a few feet above us. “That’s the best place to start.” I nodded, and just as I did, I felt the water pull away from the rock. “Okay,” he said. “Get ready…. Now.” The water surged back up to the face of the rock, and I went with it, surprised at how high it brought me. I reached for the ledge and grazed it with my fingers, but slipped back down with the water. Tyler grabbed on and pulled himself up, just as the rest of the guys caught up.

  I wasn’t gonna miss it a second time, in front of everybody. When the next wave rose under me, I gave one strong kick and propelled myself up to the ledge, then clamped down hard with my fingertips.

  James hooted. “Yeah! Looks like it runs in the family! Go, girl.” My arms shook as I pulled myself up, and I was happy that I didn’t need the hand Tyler had extended down to help me. I popped up next to him on the ledge and brushed my hands off on the backs of my legs.

  He nodded. “Not bad.” I felt his eyes on me for a long moment, and I held them until he looked away, to the top of the rock. “It’s not too bad to get up there. It’s more of a slant than straight up and down, and there’s plenty of spots to grab on the way up. Just don’t look back once you’ve started. And let me know if you need any help. The first point is just up here. You can jump that one if you don’t want to go all the way up.”

  “No. I’m going from the top. And I’m gonna jump first.” I surprised myself with this, but I figured whatever I said I’d have to back up once I got up there.

  “All right, then. Let’s go.”

  I followed his lead and pulled myself up the side of the rock. Beneath us, the other guards were timing the swell to get up to the first ledge. Hoots and hollers broke through the murmurs below as they made their way up the rock behind us, completely naked. I could only be happy that I was in front of them, not having to look up. Instead I got to look up at Tyler, who I had a feeling was slowing down so that I could keep up. As with everything else, he climbed effortlessly. I concentrated on trying to look as at ease as he did, but the higher we got, the harder it was to do. It was a lot farther up than I had imagined, but there was no backing out at this point. Now I was sober.

  “Almost there,” Tyler said over his shoulder. “You still sure you wanna do this? Hope so, cuz climbing down this thing would be a bitch.”

  “I said I’m in.” I pulled myself up and found a foothold. I took a deep breath and tried to think calm thoughts. The water had looked deep in the daylight. Plenty deep. We wouldn’t be doing this unless they knew it was deep enough. I looked up, and Tyler was standing above me, his arm extended down again. This time I grabbed it, and he pulled as I pushed with my legs. In a second I was on my knees at the top of Ab Rock. I stood, carefully.

  The smell of the ocean was stronger up here, the air cooler. Tyler sat down easily on the rock, his legs dangling over the edge. I shivered a little and sat next to him, close. We both looked up at the same time. There was scarcely more sky than stars. The Milky Way spread out, a faint white path above us. Tyler didn’t say anything, and I kept my face upturned to the sky, waiting, hoping for him to lean into me or brush his hand against my leg. Something.

  Muffled voices drifted up from below, getting closer as the rest of the guys made their way up the rock. He turned to me, then looked down, smiling. “Um … they’ll be up here in a second. So if you wanna be the first to jump, now’s the time.”

  I sucked in a breath and tried not to sound like the perfect moment had just be
en lost. “Yeah. Guess it’s time.” A faint wisp of potential still lingered, and we sat a few seconds longer until it dissipated into the night.

  When I stood, nervous energy replaced my disappointment. I looked down into a mirror galaxy of stars on the water’s surface. They danced on the ripples, and it was silent but for the gentle lapping of the water on the rocks. A cool, swirling current of air came up from below. I turned to Tyler. “You’re sure it’s safe? Nothing I need to avoid down there or anything?”

  “It’s fine. Nothing but a bottomless pool. I’ve dived it a million times. Just back up, take a few steps, and go straight off the edge. Trust me.”

  I did.

  I looked down again and took a deep breath. The voices of the rest of the group were right below us. Tyler nodded and motioned toward the water with his head. I bit my lip as I backed up a few paces, then stopped and let resolve settle over me. I started with one big step, then momentum propelled me forward. Straight forward, I hoped. As my back foot left the rock, hoots and hollers echoed from below.

  Time slowed down instantly, and I felt the surprising ease of plummeting. The stars shone below me, wavy on the water, and I had time to think that nothing could be more beautiful. When I sliced through the surface, warm water enveloped me. I opened my mouth and let out a squeal. Bubbles poured out and sailed upward, and then … quiet. I closed my eyes and drifted toward the surface, wanting to keep the quiet peace I felt right at that moment. Just before I surfaced, I heard the unmistakable sound of Tyler plunging in a few feet away from me.

  I came up and looked at Ab Rock. Far above me, I could just make out James’s cowboy hat. He waved his arm. “Ryan, that was awesome! Way to show these guys how it’s done. Now move so they can try to top you!”

  Tyler popped up next to me, grinning. “Hey,” he said, a little out of breath. “What’d you think?”

  I looked up again at the top of the cliff against the backdrop of stars. “That was the best thing I’ve ever done,” I breathed.

  James yelled from the top. “You guys clear? We gotta get this going. We’re shriveled up here.”

  Tyler and I side-stroked out of the way and treaded water, keeping our eyes up. With a “Yee-haw!” James came sailing over the edge of the cliff, tucked into a cannonball. Just before he hit the water, he straightened out and held both hands over his crotch. He cut through the surface, leaving a small splash and swirls of water behind him. His hat sailed down and landed with a tiny splash, then bobbed on the ripples.

  After him came a stream of naked guards, all streaks of brown and white. Everyone came up euphoric and energized. I floated on my back, still marveling at the stars, while Tyler treaded water next to James and they congratulated each guy on being a rookie no longer. When everyone had finished and it came time to head in, Tyler swam over to me.

  “I’m impressed. You’re the first girl I’ve seen take that jump, and you took it like a man.”

  “Thanks, I think.” I dipped my chin into the water and blew bubbles. “Thanks for climbing up there with me.”

  “Yeah, sure.” He motioned toward the shore, where we could see the silhouettes of the few people who hadn’t gone out. A spotlight flashed on and panned across the water in our direction. It was mounted to a lifeguard truck. The air went out of me.

  “Shit,” I whispered, all euphoria zapped instantly.

  “I thought he was at Catalina.” Tyler’s voice echoed the feeling in my stomach.

  “So did I,” I lied. “Shit.” My mind raced. “Okay. Don’t swim in with me. Stay back with those guys. Actually, you guys should go back over to the edge of the rock and come in that way. Let me deal with him.” We had stopped swimming forward and were facing each other. Tyler was shaking his head, trying to hide a smile.

  “I thought I said something about you coming to this party being a dumb idea …”

  “Yeah, I know. Thanks.”

  “Maybe he’ll be proud of you for carrying on the tradition he started.” He was nearly laughing now.

  “Yeah, I’m sure he’ll be stoked when I get out of the water in my bra and panties smelling like champagne.” I was in for it. “Save yourself,” I said flatly.

  He didn’t move. I didn’t either. I could feel another moment creeping up on us, and I willed him to just tilt his head in and kiss me before I had to swim in and deal with what waited for me on the beach. But he didn’t. And too quickly I found myself kicking away through the black water, regretting that I didn’t either.

  I took my time on the way in because I knew it wouldn’t be pretty once I got there. Not because of what he was going to say to me. Because of everything that he hadn’t. When I stepped a firm foot on the sand and walked out of the water, it was with purpose.

  My dad stood, arms crossed, leaning against his truck. The fire ring was empty. The only indications that there had actually been people there were the red cups strewn around the outskirts of it, and a few empty champagne bottles lying on their sides in the sand. The clothes piles of the swimmers were too far off from the fire ring to be visible, and I was thankful for that.

  I walked straight to the truck, arms crossed over my bra, and looked my dad in the eye as best I could. He threw a towel at me and said in a low, controlled voice, “Get in.”

  I stood still, arms crossed. “Where’s Ashley?”

  His tone stayed even. “She got a ride. Get. In.” I didn’t move, but my mind raced, trying to find a place to start. “Now.” He opened his door and sat down. My face burned. I didn’t say anything but grabbed my dress and stomped over to the passenger side of his truck. I threw my stuff onto the seat between us, sat down roughly, and slammed the door. He shoved the truck into gear, and we crawled up the beach without saying anything.

  After a long moment he turned to me and spoke again in the same low, controlled voice. “You smell like alcohol. You’re in your underwear. And you were at a party with the exact people I specifically said you weren’t to be around.” He looked back out the windshield.

  I knew I was asking for a fight, but it would be easier if he wasn’t so calm. “Yeah, Dad. And you know what I found out tonight? That a long time ago you did the exact same thing. Oh, wait. You were actually naked and drunk, according to the story. So don’t get all pissed off. I’m not drunk, and I didn’t die or have sex or do anything but jump off the same rock you did—”

  “Christ, Anna! You jumped off Ab Rock!” He was yelling now, and the force of it startled me. “Do you know how idiotic—” He slammed his hands on the steering wheel. “Goddamnit—”

  I cut him off. “You about done?” He went deadly silent, and my courage almost left me. I lowered my own voice. “Because I heard the rest of the story too. And there’s a lot you left out. Like how you met Mom.”

  In the faint light from the dashboard, I could see his jaw clench, and it was enough for me to go on.

  “James called her a ‘cottage girl,’ Dad.” He was silent, and I almost hated him for it at that moment. “What does that mean? Did she live here? In one of those cottages? Did you think I might want to know something like that?” My voice had gone shrill and high, and I felt tears welling up, hot and angry.

  He kept one hand on the wheel and brought the other up and rubbed his forehead. I saw him suck in a breath before he spoke. “Yeah,” he said. “She stayed here. In one of the cottages.”

  I stared straight ahead, watching the now blurred headlights dip up and down over the sand. When I spoke again, it came out icy.

  “Which one?”

  He slowed, almost to a stop on the sand in front of our place, and when the motion light of the beach cottage clicked on, his voice was weary. “That one.” He didn’t need to point.

  I lost it.

  “Jesus, Dad! Why would you not tell me something like that? You didn’t think I’d want to know that we’re living next to Mom’s old house? What else don’t I know about my own goddamn mother?” I yanked on the door handle and shoved my shoulder into it, but
it didn’t budge. My hands fumbled around for the button, and when I couldn’t find it, I leveled my eyes straight at him, breathing hard. “Unlock it.”

  “Anna—”

  “Unlock it. I can’t talk to you right now. I can’t. Unless you want to explain what this is. Why we came here, why James knows more about my own family history than I do … why we don’t talk about her anymore. I don’t get it, Dad.”

  He was silent, and I stared through the blur of my tears and reflection at the now dark beach cottage that had been my mother’s.

  “That’s what I thought,” I said. “Let’s don’t talk about it, just like always.” My hand found the unlock button, and I burst out the door, just as he finally responded. It wasn’t until after I had slammed the door shut that I really heard what he’d said:

  “You stopped asking.”

  It was a day for kites. The lifeguards watched over empty wind-whipped water from inside their towers as sand filled in the small valleys and smoothed itself over. I hoped none of them had been at the party the night before. I pulled my hood over my head and tied the strings so it would stay on, then headed up the beach to where I could see rocks strewn all over the sand in piles in front of the abandoned cottages. I hadn’t been up this way yet, but I wasn’t in the mood for sightseeing, so I kept my head down. The less I moved my neck around, the less the champagne ache wrapped itself around my head. It came in waves, alternating with nausea that made me squint behind my sunglasses. I walked the waterline like this, hands shoved into my pockets, not really paying attention to anything. I just wanted to be out of the house, where my dad and I moved around each other, silent and not knowing where to start.

  A few paces ahead a freshly uncovered rock pile spread out in front of a falling-down cottage. Grateful for a distraction, I picked my way over to it but then stepped on a pebble that jabbed painfully into the arch of my foot. My foot jerked up reflexively, and as it did, I saw my first piece of glass for the day. It was a thumbnail-size green shard, still wet from the receding tide. When I lifted it and held it up to the light, it showed a deeper almost turquoise green. I rubbed its smooth edges between my thumb and forefinger inside the warmth of my sleeve and turned my attention to the surrounding sand.