The Lunatic at Large

by J. Storer Clouston

  CHAPTER I.

  The Baron and Mr Bunker walked arm-in-arm along the esplanade at StEgbert's-on-Sea.

  "Aha!" said the Baron, "zis is more fresh zan London!"

  "Yes," replied his friend; "we are now in the presence of that stimulatingelement which provides patriotic Britons with music-hall songs, anddyspeptic Britons with an appetite."

  A stirring breeze swept down the long white esplanade, threatening hatsand troubling skirts; the pale-green south-coast sea rumbled up theshingle; the day was bright and pleasant for the time of year, and drovethe Baron's mischances from his head; altogether it seemed to Mr Bunkerthat the omens were good. They were both dressed in the smartest of tweedsuits, and walked jauntily, like men who knew their own value. Every nowand then, as they passed a pretty face, the Baron would say, "Aha, Bonker!zat is not so bad, eh?"

  And Mr Bunker, who seemed not unwilling that his friend should find someentertaining distraction in St Egbert's, would look at the owners of thesefaces with a prospector's eye and his own unrivalled assurance.

  They had walked up and down three or four times, when a desire for adifferent species of diversion began to overtake the Baron. It was the onekind of desire that the Baron never even tried to wrestle with.

  "My vriend Bonker," said he, "is it not somevere about time for loncheon,eh?"

  "I should say it was precisely the hour."

  "Ha, ha! zen, let us gom and eat. Himmel, zis sea is ze fellow to make vonhungry!"

  The Baron had taken a private suite of rooms on the first floor of thebest hotel in St Egbert's, and after a very substantial lunch Mr Bunkerstretched himself on the luxurious sitting-room sofa and announced hisintention of having a nap.

  "I shall go out," said the Baron. "You vill not gom?"

  "I shall leave you to make a single-handed conquest," replied Mr Bunker."Besides, I have a little matter I want to look into."

  So the Baron arranged his hat airily, at what he had perceived to be themost fashionable and effective English angle, and strutted off to theesplanade.

  It was about two hours later that he burst excitedly into the room,crying, "Aha, mine Bonker! I haf disgovered zomzing!" and then he stoppedin some surprise. "Ello, vat make you, my vriend?"

  His friend, in fact, seemed to be somewhat singularly employed. Through adense cloud of tobacco-smoke you could just pick him out of the depths ofan armchair, his feet resting on the mantelpiece, while his lap and allthe floor round about were covered with immense books. The Baron'scuriosity was still further excited by observing that they consistedprincipally of a London and a St Egbert's directory, several volumes of aDictionary of National Biography, and one or two peerages and countyfamily compilations.

  He looked up with a smile. "You may well wonder, my dear Baron. The factis, I am looking for a name."

  "A name! vat name?"

  "Alas! if I knew what it was I should stop looking, and I confess I'mrather sick of the job."

  "Vich vay do you look, zen?"

  "Simply by wading my way through all the lists of names I could steal orborrow. It's devilish dry work."

  "Ze name of a vriend, is it?"

  "Yes; but I'm afraid I must wait till it comes. And what is thisdiscovery, Baron? A petticoat, I presume. After all, they are the onlythings worth finding," and he shut the books one after another.

  "A petticoat with ze fairest girl inside it!" exclaimed the Baron,rapturously.

  "Your eyes seem to have been singularly penetrating, Baron. Was she darkor fair, tall or short, fat or slender, widow, wife, or maid?"

  "Fair, viz blue eyes, short pairhaps but not too short, slender asa--a--drom-stick, and I vould say a maid; at least I see vun stout old ladymit her, mozzer and daughter I soppose."

  "And did this piece of perfection seem to appreciate you?"

  "Vy should I know? Zey are ze real ladies and pairtend not to see me, botI zink zey notice me all ze same. Not 'lady vriends,' Bonker, ha, ha, ha!"

  Mr Bunker laughed with reminiscent amusement, and inquired, "And how didthe romance end--in a cab, Baron?"

  "Ha, ha, ha!" laughed the Baron; "better zan zat, Bonker--moch better!"

  Mr Bunker raised his eyebrows.

  "It's hardly the time of year for a romance to end in a bathing-machine.You followed the divinity to her rented heaven, perhaps?"

  The Baron bent forward and answered in a stage whisper, "Zey live in zishotel, Bonker!"

  "Then I can only wish you joy, Baron, and if my funds allow me, send her awedding present."

  "Ach, not quite so fast, my vriend! I am not caught so easy."

  "My dear fellow, a week at close quarters is sufficient to net any man."

  "Ven I marry," replied the Baron, "moch most be considered. A vonBlitzenberg does not mate viz every vun."

  "A good many families have made the same remark, but one does not alwaysmeet the fathers-in-law."

  "Ha, ha! ve shall see. Bot, Bonker, she is lofly!"

  The Baron awaited dinner with even more than his usual ardour. He dressedwith the greatest care, and at an absurdly early hour was already urginghis friend to come down and take their places. Indeed after a time therewas no withholding him, and they finally took their seats in thedining-room before anybody else.

  At what seemed to the impatient Baron unconscionably long intervals a fewpeople dropped in and began to study their menus and glance with an air ofuncomfortable suspicion at their neighbours.

  "I vonder vill she gom," he said three or four times at least.

  "Console yourself, my dear Baron," his friend would reply; "they alwayscome. That's seldom the difficulty."

  And the Baron would dally with his victuals in the most unwonted fashion,and growl at the rapidity with which the courses followed one another.

  "Do zey suppose ve vish to eat like----?" he began, and then laying his handon his friend's sleeve, he whispered, "She goms!"

  Mr Bunker turned his head just in time to see in the doorway the Countessof Grillyer and the Lady Alicia a Fyre.

  "Is she not fair?" asked the Baron, excitedly.

  "I entirely approve of your taste, Baron. I have only once seen any onequite like her before."

  With a gratified smile the Baron filled his glass, while his friend seemedamused by some humorous reflection of his own.

  The Lady Alicia and her mother had taken their seats at a table a littleway off, and at first their eyes never happened to turn in the directionof the two friends. But at last, after looking at the ceiling, the carpet,the walls, the other people, everything else in the room it seemed, LadyAlicia's glance fell for an instant on the Baron. That nobleman looked asinteresting as a mouthful of roast duck would permit him, but the glancepassed serenely on to Mr Bunker. For a moment it remained serene; suddenlyit became startled and puzzled, and at that instant Mr Bunker turned hisown eyes full upon her, smiled slightly, and raised his glass to his lips.

  The glance fell, and the Lady Alicia blushed down to the diamonds in hernecklace.

  The Baron insisted on lingering over his dinner till the charmer wasfinished, and so by a fortuitous coincidence they left the roomimmediately behind the Countess. The Baron passed them in the passage, anda few yards farther he looked round for his friend, and the Countessturned to look for her daughter.

  They saw Lady Alicia following with an intensely unconscious expression,while Mr Bunker was in the act of returning to the dining-room.

  "I wanted to secure a table for breakfast," he explained.