Defect

by Danielle James

  Pain exploded in my head and ribs. My lungs were on fire and I could taste dirt and gravel between my teeth. The only thing that made them scatter was the sound of sirens. I didn’t pass out from the beating but I wish I had.

  “Are you okay, son?” I heard an officer ask. His voice was close but it still sounded like it was coming from somewhere else. I nodded and sat upright on the ground even though my midsection felt like it was being ripped apart. “Did you see who attacked you?”

  “I did but I don’t know his name.”

  “Son, there were at least five people on you. They all scattered when we pulled up. Can you tell me anything about the people who jumped you?”

  “No,” I snapped, standing to my feet. Pain chewed me up and spit me the fuck out. My head spun round and round and I braced myself against a nearby fence. I felt like I would fall right off the face of the earth.

  Maybe falling off the earth wouldn’t be so bad.

  “We’re going to put you in the back of the ambulance now. You need to go to the ER and get examined.”

  “I don’t want to go to the ER,” I growled. Memories of waking up in the hospital assaulted me, striking fear in my heart. The last time I was in the hospital I woke up without my brother. Who knew what I’d lose this time around?

  “So you’re refusing medical treatment?” The cop asked with his eyebrows lifted.

  “Yes. I’m refusing. I just want to go in the house. I don’t want to file a report or any of that shit. Just let me go, please.” I stumbled toward my house and the cop turned to talk to one of his buddies. My insides hurt so bad. They screamed and begged for me to go to the hospital but I couldn’t.

  What if they fucked up your brain even more?

  The small voice inside of my head made me stop in my tracks. I was thrown to the ground and beaten. I was punched and kicked and stomped. That couldn’t have been good for my brain.

  “I’ll go,” I said. The piercing pain in my head pushed me away from my house and toward the ambulance that seemed to have materialized out of nowhere. I looked around my neighborhood to see that once again, I’d drawn a crowd. Not only was I the defect of Inglewood High School, but I was also the neighborhood defect.

  Once I agreed to medical treatment, EMT workers swooped in and started their examination. It was a whirlwind. My only concern was that no further damage had been done to my brain. I already felt like a prisoner of my own emotions and if getting jumped messed my head up even more, I wanted to get to the hospital in enough time for them to fix it. I didn’t even know what that meant but I didn’t want to be any more broken than I already was.

  I arrived by ambulance to the hospital, which meant I was immediately taken to triage and seen by nurses and doctors. “Mr. Fredericks, what are you doing back in here?” I’m sure I was supposed to remember the nurse who was taking my vitals and cleaning my cuts and scrapes but I had no idea who she was.

  I hated my fucked up brain.

  “I got jumped,” I told her plainly.

  “That’s awful. I’m so sorry to hear that.” She sighed softly and put gauze on my bleeding gashes then turned on the TV for me. “I’m going to send the neurologist in so that we can get a look at you and then we’ll get you all set up for an MRI.” I guess it was good that the nurse knew me because that meant she knew I needed immediate attention because of my past injury.

  While I lay in the stiff, too-small hospital bed, I laughed a little and thought about how Everett would clown me if he got the chance. He’d only do it to make me feel better though. He knew how easy it was for me to get lost in my thoughts and become silent. Trying to laugh without him wasn’t the same.

  Nothing was the same without him.

  Grief washed over me like a ten-foot wave but I refused to let my tears fall. Not there. Not in the hospital. The heavy pain of missing my brother crashed into my chest making it hard for me to breathe.

  “Mr. Fredericks, I’m not too happy about you being in here so I can’t say nice to see you,” the neurologist walked into my room and offered me a kind smile. “How’s your head feeling? Any headaches or sharp pains?”

  “Sharp pains,” I said, gesturing to my head. I felt like a fucking caveman. He nodded at me and pressed his pointer fingers against my skull.

  “I don’t feel anything concerning. You may have a sub-dermal hematoma right here. I can feel a knot starting to rise. Okay, let’s skip the MRI and just go for a CAT, alright?”

  “Sure,” I nodded. “Hey, were you the same doctor I saw after the accident?” I quizzed.

  “Yes, I’m Dr. Chin. It’s common to forget people or events surrounding such a traumatic event. Nothing to be alarmed about.”

  “Okay, thanks. Hey, can I ask you some questions about my brain trauma?” This time around he seemed much more willing to speak to me. Maybe it was because Mom wasn’t around. Whatever the reason, I was going to milk it and figure out everything I could about my defective brain.

  “Of course. I have a few minutes. What’s concerning you, Ezra?”

  “Oh my god, my baby! Ezra, what the hell happened?” My mother rushed in like a signal scramble and my brain short-circuited for a few seconds. I blinked repeatedly and then focused on her face. Tears swam in her brown eyes.

  “Ma, I’m fine,” I fussed once everything clicked back into motion.

  “Mrs. Fredericks, I’m glad you’re here. I was getting ready to address some concerns Ezra had and…”

  “Dr. Chin, I need to speak with you in the hallway, please. I want to know everything that’s gone on since he got here.” Before I could ask the neurologist anything, my mother ushered him into the hall and away from me.

  He never came back in.

  Mom did though.

  “We’re moving,” she said. Her tone held so much finality that I didn’t know how to respond. My face contorted in a frown even though it hurt to do so.

  “Moving? Why?”

  “Ezra you could have been killed! You think for one second that those boys are going to let you walk around the neighborhood? And what were you doing outside anyway? I told you not to go out of the house.”

  “I’m a grown ass man. You can’t keep me caged up in the house. If I want to walk around, I’m going to walk around, Ma. This is fucking ridiculous.”

  “Keeping you in the house means keeping you safe. Do you see what happened to you the minute you went outside? Why do you think I’m not letting you out of my sight?”

  “Because you’re a fucking psycho,” I snapped.

  “Ezra, watch your mouth!” I didn’t say another word to her. I couldn’t. I was tired of talking to her and trying to get her to understand things from my point of view. She didn’t get it. She didn’t get it when I yelled and she didn’t get it when I spoke calmly.

  I was a prisoner inside and outside of my head. It was terrifying.

  “I’m going to find a nice small town to move to. We’ll rent a house while I get our old one ready to sell. It’ll be good for you. That way you won’t have to mope around in the house you and Everett grew up in.” There were no more ways for her to stab me. No more ways for her to snatch away every piece of Everett that I ever had. If we moved out of that house all of my memories would fade into black and white. They would turn to fog and dust.

  “We can leave by the end of the month, Ezra. I mean look at everything that has happened to you. It’s time for a fresh start. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. You need to be somewhere new. You can’t grow in the same old spot. Who knows, maybe you’ll be able to find a small job and take classes so you can get your GED?” She smiled but it didn’t land. It went straight through me.

  She didn’t give a fuck what I thought about moving or she would have asked me. She wanted to move because she couldn’t handle living in that house anymore. Maybe the memories were too much for her. Whatever the reason was it had nothing to do with me.

  I was an afterthought.

  The entire time I was stu
ck in the emergency room, Mom talked about moving and how much better it would be to leave all the evil of Inglewood behind. She beat me over the head with bible verses and told me that she’d be sure to find a town close enough so that she could still go to church. Yeah, that was exactly what I cared about.

  The neurologist told me that he didn’t find any further damage done to my brain after I’d been there for hours. I guess it was a victory. He smiled at me and said, “Ezra, your brain is healing well from the accident and thank goodness there aren’t any new lesions or swelling that we have to worry about. You have a clean bill of health, young man. But please stay out of trouble.”

  He said I had a clean bill of health.

  Yeah, right.

  Didn’t he know how fucked up my head was? I mean he looked directly at it on the screen. Maybe he meant in spite of everything else that happened. I wanted to be normal though. It was all I could think about. I wanted to go to NYU and start my own life. I wanted to get away from my mother so I could figure out exactly how I felt about her. There was no way I could unpack everything with her on top of me constantly.

  …

  Back at home, I sat in my room staring at the wall, wondering what things would be like if Everett were still alive. My thoughts were interrupted when my mother came in, unannounced, to talk my ear off about moving.

  “Next week I’m going to start the process of looking for a place to rent. So while I’m at work I expect for you to start packing your things up. I’m going to have a lot of overtime on my plate too so I’ll need you to pack up Ev’s room. Get a start on it today, okay?” She didn’t smile at me and try to cover her bitterness and fear with phony pleasantries. I didn’t know if that was better or worse.

  When I looked at her, my face was expressionless. I was a blank canvas and I knew it meant she’d paint her own emotions on me. I couldn’t force myself to care.

  I knew one thing for sure though…I wasn’t cleaning out Everett’s room. I’d go in and face my heartache enough to gather the things that meant the most to him and to me but that was it. If she wanted his room cleaned out, she’d have to do it herself or hire someone.

  …

  SOLANA

  “Miss Solana, you should consider doing classes every day of the week. I swear I’m not right unless you guide me through yoga and meditation. You have the most soothing voice and the most uplifting energy in the world,” One of my yoga students from Radcliff Community College said. She was such an adorable girl. She always wore her hair in the coolest afro puffs with tightly coiled locks of hair spiraling everywhere.

  “You think so?”

  “Yes, I need it during the week to deal with these fools in my classes.”

  “And see, I need the days off to recoup from all the fools in mine.” I winked at her and she laughed before bouncing out of the door full of energy. That’s what I liked to see. I loved seeing my students leave me feeling refreshed and happy.

  I tossed my things in a yellow duffle bag and hurried out of the school to my car. I didn’t feel like small talk so I bypassed everyone. I wanted to get home so I could call Amaris and check on Malachi for the day. He hadn’t called me for the past two weeks and I was worried sick about him.

  Once I was in the car, I pressed my back against the seat and wrapped my fingers around the steering wheel. I breathed in deeply through my nose and released it through my mouth. My shoulders loosened and my neck followed suit. I did it again and again until I was able to function without feeling like a lead knot.

  When I called Amaris, she answered on the first ring. “He’s okay today, Solo. Just a little hungry and sleepy. No marks or bruises.”

  I rested my forehead on the steering wheel and pushed out a relieved breath. My body vibrated with gratitude. “Did you talk to him?” I asked, pulling myself together.

  “I did. He misses you but he’s a smart boy. He said he’d only call you if he needed you.” He was a smart boy but I was wondering if he knew how much hearing his voice helped me to function. I was walking around with a piece of my heart outside of my body and there was no way to protect him around the clock.

  “So he’s laying low. My boy,” I smiled even though it pained me. I wanted to see him and give him a hug more than anything.

  “It looks like he hasn’t bathed in days though. He’s been wearing the same clothes you bought him for almost a week in a row. Tomorrow, I’m bringing him some clothes to wear.”

  “I’ll bring him some stuff too,” I blurted. I had nearly an entire closet full of clothes waiting for Malachi at my house. Whenever I had to do an emergency stop at his dad’s house, I took him to the store to get clothes but I had them stockpiled for whenever he needed them.

  “I’m sure he’d love to see you.” She paused then said, “Solana have you started the foster parent application process?”

  “Yes, I filled out the application. I need to turn it in and wait to hear from social services,” I told her. Amaris suggested last week that I begin the process of becoming a foster parent for the moment Malachi was removed from Vince’s home. That way he could legally be placed with me in the event that his birth mother couldn’t be located or was deemed unfit. I hopped on that idea so fast it made my head spin.

  It was hard but I had to block off my natural empathetic tendencies toward all the defenseless children in the system. I wanted to help them all. I wanted to foster them all just so they’d have somewhere safe to lay their heads.

  I had to concentrate on Malachi though.

  If I could save him then I’d feel like I put something good into the universe. Something bright and beautiful and worth saving. That was Malachi. If I let his light get stamped out then the world would miss out. I was sure of it.

  “Okay, great. His teacher is still filing reports of neglect daily and we’ve got a pretty substantial file dating back at least a month. I’ll meet with CPS next week, finally.”

  “Really? That’s wonderful,” I perked up and grinned against the phone.

  “It is but it’s just the start. Neglect takes longer to prove than something glaring like physical abuse. I just wanted to give you an update.” Amaris sighed softly and said, “How’s the yoga studio? I’ve been so busy I haven’t had a chance to stop by lately.”

  “It’s wonderful, sis. I can’t wait for you to come by. I got a massage table yesterday. I’m going to create a Reiki room in the back and offer sessions.”

  “Girl, what the hell is Reiki?” She laughed a little but I could hear the genuine curiosity. Even though Amaris wasn’t on the same path as me, she never made me feel stupid for believing in something bigger than us that we couldn’t see but were connected to. Maybe I was a hippie. Maybe I was a flower child born in the wrong generation with a bohemian heart, but I felt a strong connection to the universe and the energy around me.

  “It’s a way to heal people through energy. I’ve always been sensitive to other people’s energy so I’m putting it to good use. Reiki is essentially the art of helping transfer energy to people to jumpstart their bodies.”

  “So…like a blood transfusion but with energy?” Amaris asked.

  “Yeah. Kind of like that. You know how sometimes you just feel down and out and not at all like yourself? Or how sometimes you feel like it’s taking you too long to bounce back? Well, I can transfer or shift your energy around so that you feel better and more balanced.”

  “You do that by talking to people, Solana. You’ve always been gifted in that way. I can have a conversation with you and leave feeling better than when I came to you.”

  “That’s what Reiki is, essentially. It’s just done deliberately.”

  “My little sister the sun child,” she was smiling. I heard it.

  “Thanks for never thinking I was weird, Amaris. You have no idea how much you sheltered me when I was growing up.”

  “Well, you were the most gentle spirit I’d ever seen so I figured it was my job to protect that in you. I didn’t want you becoming
hard and jaded like everyone else in the world. Looks like I did my job as your big sister.”

  “You definitely did and I love you for it. Now, let me get my ass home so I can go teach this yoga class at the studio.”

  “Wait, didn’t you do a class at the college today?” Amaris quizzed. I nodded against the phone and pulled out of the parking lot.

  “I did. Now I have to go do another at the studio. How do you think I keep my lights on? I’m cute but this face can’t pay the bills.”

  “I’m proud of you, little sister.”

  “Thanks,” I chirped. My chest blossomed with warmth hearing the pride in Amaris’ voice. We ended our call on a good note.

  When I pulled off, I tried not to speed home. It was hard when I had bass-heavy rap thumping through my speakers. Something about rap soothed me. The vibrations of the boom relaxed me. It also made me want to drive faster.

  I got home in no time. I won’t discuss whether I sped or not.

  I rushed in the house and ran around like a crazy woman gathering things I’d need for my next class. I wanted to pass out literature about Reiki and all my papers were sitting on my bed. I tucked the stack of papers in my bag and then headed right back out the front door. I paused when I notice a moving truck parked in the driveway of the small house across the street from me. It had been vacant for years. The grass was often overgrown because it only got cut once every couple of months and it definitely needed some TLC. I opened the car door and tossed my things in then I stared across the street for a few extra seconds.

  The sun was nearly blinding but I didn’t miss the tall, shirtless man who walked out of the now occupied house. He was so tall he had to bend down some to clear the doorway. I was stuck staring at him.

  His golden skin was like honey and he had the body of a god. I was looking so hard I damn near tripped over my feet trying to get in the car. He must have felt my eyes on him because he aimed his intense gaze at me and all I could do was wave and smile.

  I’m sure I looked like an idiot. If I didn’t have to hurry and get to my next yoga class, I would have stuck around to figure out if he was a mover or if he was my new neighbor. I wasn’t looking for a man but eye candy was always welcome and the man staring at me from across the street was a fucking Willy Wonka wonderland.