Defect

by Danielle James

  “Ezra!” She called out.

  “I’m up here.” I grabbed the photo collage and headed down the steps.

  “Did you get your brother’s room packed up?”

  “I did.” I walked past her and went straight to the car. She could inspect it herself. Whatever she didn’t like wasn’t my problem. I was done with that room. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I had to do it though because there was no other way for me to tell him goodbye. I was glad I had Solo by my side when I did it.

  “You didn’t take the boxes out of the room,” Mom said when she came out to the car.

  “I’m not going to. I did what you asked me to do. You’re going to have to figure out how and when to get the boxes out. I’m not doing that shit.”

  “I don’t know why you think you get to tell me what you are and are not going to do but when I ask for your help, I expect to get it.”

  “You did get it. I’m not going back into that room. Do you even care how that made me feel?” I looked at her because I wanted a real answer. I wanted the fucking truth for once and I wanted to see if she’d give it to me.

  “I know it was hard.” Her words were tight and short like quick drum taps.

  “Why did you make me do that alone then? You dumped me right back into a world of pain and left me without making sure I was okay.”

  “You’re clearly okay.”

  “I wasn’t though. I wasn’t okay.” My tongue burned to tell her how I had to call Solana over to help because my own mother left me.

  “You’re fine.”

  “I’m okay enough to do manual labor but I’m not okay enough to work on my own and get around by myself?”

  “Ezra, we are not going to do this right now. You didn’t talk to those doctors at the hospital. You didn’t see what you looked like after that accident. You didn’t have to walk around on pins and needles wondering if your son was going to be a vegetable or not.”

  “All of that is over. We’re talking about right now. You need to let me be a man. Stop acting like I’m incapable of taking care of myself.”

  “You are incapable! You don’t see it the way I do. I’m your mother. I know what’s best for you and you need to be looked after. You’ve already landed yourself in jail and back in the hospital. You really think you need to take care of yourself? You are not normal. You’re broken pieces of what you used to be. I don’t know who the hell you are now but you’re not the Ezra I gave birth to.”

  “This is why I blow up on you all the time. Because you say shit like that. How is that supposed to make me feel, Ma?”

  “It’s not about how it makes you feel! It’s about what the truth is. The truth is…you aren’t as smart and capable as you think you are. I don’t even know about you having the job our neighbor offered you. She doesn’t know you. She doesn’t know your limited abilities.”

  “Limited abilities?” I growled. “I took care of that bedroom without you. I can operate fine alone.”

  “Cleaning out a bedroom is not the same as using your brain and yours isn’t the same as it used to be. You need to accept that. If you’d come to church and talk to the pastor like I’ve been telling you, maybe you could start on the road to acceptance and we could start to map out what life is going to look like for you from now on.”

  “I’m not going to church to talk to the pastor. Fuck him.”

  “Ezra! You’re not going to talk like that. You will not. That is unacceptable and you know it.” I grew quiet and stared out of the window at the palm trees zipping by with each street we turned down.

  When we finally got home, I saw the yellow tin can in Solana’s driveway along with her sister’s car. I wanted to go to her house to escape my mother but I knew there was no way that shit was happening. At least not while Mom was awake.

  I thundered into the house, making the walls shake with each step I took up the steps to my room. I slammed the door and locked it behind me because I didn’t feel like talking. Well, let me correct that because talking would imply that I had actual conversations with my mother. I didn’t. I didn’t feel like yelling and screaming.

  I waited hours for her to go to sleep. I texted Solo off and on and when the sun finally went down, I climbed out of my window and slid down the small awning attached to it. It was a twelve-foot drop. So instead of hopping off like Spiderman, I hung off the awning and dropped down the rest of the way. It was still a rough landing but it was better than falling flat on my ass.

  I sent Solo a text once I was on the ground.

  Me: I’m headed across the street. Open the door.

  Solo: It’s open. Come in.

  I looked behind me at my dark house and then hurried across the street. I turned the doorknob and walked in to sounds of laughter coming from Solana and her sister, Amaris. When I walked around the corner, Amaris smiled at me and then looked at Solo.

  “Hi, Ezra,” she said in a soft sing-song voice. I laughed a little and rubbed the back of my head.

  “What’s up, Amaris?”

  “How are you?” She asked. It was clear that beauty ran in their family because Amaris was just as gorgeous and chocolate as Solana.

  “I’m good. How are you?”

  “I’m wondering what the hell is in the water because you’re like six inches away from the ceiling and I’m going to get whiplash from looking at you.” I laughed at her and shook my head. From the looks of it, they’d been drinking wine and they were both feeling good.

  “Isn’t he amazing? I mean…like…amazingly tall.” Solana giggled. I tipped my head back and groaned.

  “You’re drunk,” I said, sitting on the couch.

  “How do you know?” She asked. She slid closer to me and draped her legs over mine. My fingers started kneading her supple skin without a second thought.

  “Because normally you’re upbeat and bouncy but right now you’re on another level.”

  “We may have been drinking a little,” Amaris said, bringing her thumb and her pointer finger close together.

  “More than a little,” Solana confessed.

  “Yeah. I can see that.” I picked up two empty bottles of white wine from the coffee table both women shared knowing glances and laughed. Solana slid her hand across the top of my head and her fingers crept down my neck. The sensation sent electricity storming down my spine. My dick jolted to life and I shifted in my seat a little. I don’t think Solo knew what the fuck she was doing to me by stroking my head and neck.

  “Um, Solana?” Amaris called out curiously. Solana was fixated on me though. Her eyes traveled places I didn’t know could be touched only by looking. I had to focus all my attention on not getting a stiff dick in front of Solo and her sister. I moved her hand even though feeling her delicate touch on my skin drove me wild.

  Her hands were always so warm. I couldn’t help bringing her fingertips to my lips for a quick second. “Your sister is talking to you,” I said against the palm of her hand. She blinked a few times, coming back to reality then looked up at me. I pointed to Amaris, whose mouth was hanging open in shock.

  “Come here, Solana. I need to talk to you.”

  “Yeah…sure,” she stammered and hopped up from the couch. I took the opportunity to grab a couch pillow and put it in my lap. The charge between us was insane and I didn’t know how to navigate it without fucking up. I was bound to kiss her or tell her how much I liked her and how unapologetically dope her soul was. It was like heroin to me.

  “It’s nothing, Amaris,” I heard Solana say in what she must have thought was a quiet tone. She was in the kitchen with her sister and I was only feet away on the couch, looking down at my phone.

  “It’s clearly something. Are you fucking that little boy?” There was that phrase again.

  Little boy.

  I wasn’t a fucking boy.

  I felt a flare of anger rise to the surface heating my skin but I breathed through it like Solana taught me.

  “No!” Solo hissed quietly. “
He’s just a kid. We’re friends. He means a lot to me but it’s not like that.”

  “Then how is it? Because when I look at you two I see two people who are fucking.”

  “Well, you’re looking at something the wrong way. He’s a friend. A good friend.”

  “How is he a good friend? You haven’t even known him for a month.” Amaris’ voice wasn’t exactly soft either. I moved around on the couch hoping it would alert them to the fact that I was still sitting there and I wasn’t deaf.

  “Our energy…it clicks. I’ve never clicked with anyone like this before. Just…let me be happy, okay?”

  “I’m all for you being happy but why does it sound like you’re pleading with me to understand your choice in a relationship?”

  “I’m not,” Solana muttered. “Let me have a friend. Okay?”

  “You need to remember he’s a friend. You were practically eye-fucking him right in front of me. You’re going to lead him on.”

  “I’m not. If anything, he’s much more in control than I am.” I could hear the pout in her voice. I raised my eyebrows at that shit. How could she think I was more in control than her?

  I wanted her so bad it hurt. I wore my faux control like a shield around my true desire. Maybe that’s why it seemed like I was in charge of my feelings.

  “At least one of you is an adult,” Amaris scolded quietly.

  “Whatever. I don’t know why this is such a big deal. Why can’t I be friends with someone younger than me?”

  “You’re not just friends with that boy. You like him a lot. He likes you too. It’s trouble, Solana.”

  “Let me deal with my own trouble then, Amaris.” The two sisters fell silent. Their conversation left me with a soft dick…thank god.

  When they emerged from the kitchen I didn’t raise my eyes to Solana even though I could feel her eyes on me. “Nice seeing you again, Ezra. I’m gonna head home before Solana cracks open another bottle and I have to spend the night.”

  “Nice seeing you too, Amaris. Be safe going home.”

  “Thank you.” She then turned to her sister and raised her eyebrows conveying a message only for them. “Love you, Solana.”

  “Love you too, bitch.” Solana narrowed her eyes in a playful squint but I heard the serious bite to her words. Once the front door closed, Solana turned her gaze to me and I was helplessly snared. “Want a glass of wine?” She asked with a sigh.

  “Nah. I wanna know what’s going on with you though. Why are you drinking and why are your inhibitions so low?” I touched her beautiful dark hair, letting it slip between my fingers like black water.

  “There’s a lot on my mind right now. That’s why my sister was over here. She was helping me get my mind off everything.”

  “Everything like what?” I asked, dragging my knuckles along her arm. Goosebumps spread over her flawless skin and she shuddered. I liked watching what my touch did to her. I wondered how she’d react if I touched her somewhere else. Somewhere slippery and sweet.

  “My ex’s son…” She said quietly. I brought my thoughts back to the seriousness of the moment and nodded.

  “You told me the caseworker went to his place this weekend, right?” She gave me a nod and we sat on the couch. She draped her smooth chocolate legs across mine and I slid my hands up her thighs. It was pure instinct to touch her. She was a glimmer of mocha gold that I couldn’t resist. She didn’t pull away though. I made sure to stop myself before my fingertips slipped under the hem of her shorts.

  “The caseworker went there and I won’t know anything until Monday when Amaris gets the report. In the meantime, I’m losing my shit because I don’t know if Vince is going to hurt him as some sick form of punishment.” Tears rolled down her cheeks and the sight twisted my heart in a wicked way.

  “You’re worried about him.”

  “Yeah. I haven’t heard anything from him yet and it’s getting so late.” Her voice was hoarse and raw from emotion sawing at it. I pulled her closer to me and she climbed in my lap. She rested her knees on either side of me and wrapped her arms around my neck, hiding her face against my shoulder.

  God, I wish she wouldn’t sit on me like that.

  With a heavy sigh, I made a silent plea to the universe to give me all the strength I’d need to keep my composure and remain platonic. Her tiny body settled into my lap like a perfect puzzle piece snapping into place. Like she was everything I’d been missing.

  I sat motionless for a few seconds because I didn’t trust myself to hug her but hearing her soft cries washed away all my doubt. I could hug her. I could give her the friendship I knew she needed. She gave it to me earlier. Now it was my turn.

  So I hugged her tight. I wrapped my arms around her and she cried even harder. “It’s going to be okay, Solana,” I spoke into the top of her head and listened to her sniffle. The saddest thing I’d ever seen was watching a sunflower cry.

  “I don’t know how I’m going to stop myself from going over there to check on him,” she told me.

  “If you do, your ex might see you. If he hurts you I’m going to jail. I can tell you that right now. I know it’s hard but you gotta wait it out.”

  “I know. I know. I just hate thinking about Malachi being there all alone and scared of what his asshole of a father might do.”

  “He’s going to be okay. He has to be a tough little boy to deal with his dad for all this time. He knows to call you if he’s in trouble, right?” I asked, wiping her tears. She stared at me and pulled in a staggered breath.

  “Yeah.”

  “He’ll call you if he needs to.” She pressed her hands to my chest and nodded.

  “I’m sorry about this, Ezra,” she sniffled.

  “Sorry for what? Needing a friend? That’s what I’m here for.”

  “No, I’m sorry for putting you in an awkward position. I shouldn’t be on top of you. I shouldn’t be straddling you and hugging you I just…”

  “It’s fine. Did I curse you out?” I laughed a little.

  “Would you?” She quizzed.

  “Nah. Probably not.” She still didn’t move though.

  “God, I’m a mess. I need to meditate and calm down.”

  “I’ll meditate with you,” I told her, squeezing her sides. She laughed a little and climbed off my lap. I was both happy and sad. Happy because soon she’d feel my growing erection but sad because I liked the way she felt on top of me.

  “Okay, come on.” She led me by the hand up the steps to her bedroom. She didn’t have to tell me it was her bedroom. It was the mecca of roses and sugar. It was painted pale yellow with white curtains and a queen-sized bed in the middle of the room covered by a quilt decorated with sunflowers and suns. In the corner was a white blanket surrounded by yellow and orange pillows on the floor. She headed straight for that corner and sat down. I sat with her. She made me get into the stupid ass lotus position too.

  I’d do anything for her though.

  That was quickly becoming a fact.

  We meditated together for a long time. As long as Solana needed to feel balanced again. Then we stayed up watching TV and laughing. She made me a bowl of vegan macaroni and cheese and got offended when I told her it tasted like hot yogurt.

  “It’s good!” She insisted.

  “Nah. It’s trash but you got it. Have fun with that, Solo.”

  “Fuck you, Ezra. You’re going to learn to like my vegan cooking.”

  “I’m going to slide you some bacon though. I’ll just tell you it’s vegan.”

  “You’re an asshole. I’ll be able to tell.”

  “It’ll be the best six seconds of your life before you spit it out and fake like it’s nasty though.” I shrugged and she pelted me with playful hits. I locked my arm around her waist and wrestled her to her back, pinning her with my weight. She pushed against my shoulders and wiggled beneath me like she was going somewhere.

  “How much do you weigh, Solana?” I asked with a smirk.

  “I’m like one-hundred f
orty pounds.”

  “You’re a one hundred forty pound lie. How much do you weigh?” I asked again.

  “One hundred fifteen pounds,” she confessed with a grunt.

  “Yeah. Your little one hundred fifteen pounds ain’t shit against two hundred sixty pounds. Stop trying to move me.”

  “Two hundred sixty pounds?” She said with wide eyes and a hint of a smirk.

  “Yeah. All muscle.”

  “Jesus, Ezra…” The way her voice caressed my name while I was on top of her was too much. I laughed a little and pulled back. My dick was out of control tonight and before I headed back across the street she was going to feel something she wasn’t expecting.

  “Remember that when you think you can beat me,” I said, sitting up. We were still in her room. The smell of roses and sugar became second nature to me at that point.

  We lounged on her bed all night.

  I don’t even remember sleep taking me.

  …

  SOLANA

  Waking up to a six-foot-six, two hundred and sixty-pound man in your bed can make you rethink some things. It made me rethink every fucking thing I’d told myself since I found out Ezra was only eighteen. When my eyes opened, I looked down and saw his huge arm draped across my waist like a tree trunk trapping a flower beneath its bulk. It made everything inside me pulse.

  Since he was still sleeping, I didn’t move. I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay tangled in that moment with him pretending he wasn’t ten years younger than me. Pretending he wasn’t still living at home in a toxic situation. Pretending I wasn’t doing a horrible job at only being his friend.

  I flirted with his sexy ass every chance I got and I knew I was wrong as fuck. I was constantly testing Ezra and every time he passed with flying colors, unfortunately. Now, he was in my bed feeling like every inch like a man the same age as me. I snuggled closer to his body until I backed against something hard and impossibly thick.

  Oh my god.

  The basketball shorts he wore did little to conceal his morning wood and I did little to move away from it. I pushed back against it. I was playing a dangerous game but I was addicted to it. I was addicted to the way Ezra made me feel. I was addicted to the soft way he said my name. To the way he lit up when he looked at me. To the way his sadness washed away little by little like grains of sand in the sea. It would always be there but when he was with me…it dissolved.