Being Jolene

by Caitlin Kerry

  Finally, I was home and sitting on the couch. The sun was setting and the final rays came through my window. It silhouetted the log walls, but I sat there underneath my dark cloud, ignoring the warm rays.

  My mom had been my hero, even when she broke my heart. She slept with my dad when she was the weather girl at the news station. He was the anchor and my mom was what I like to call White Trash Famous. She had grown up poor and in a trailer park, spending most of her life on her own, trying to survive. It was a story heard time and time again. She was pretty and did what she could to get to the top and out of the trailer park. I didn’t know all the details of what her parents put her through, I don’t think I ever did want to know, but I knew it was bad. She didn’t tell my dad about the pregnancy. She left the station and went to another one but then got offered a job in Seattle. She left me on the doorstep of my dad’s when I was five and then she was gone.

  He was flabbergasted at the site of the dark haired five-year-old. I honestly don’t remember most of it and if it was left at that, I probably wouldn’t have held so much resentment towards her. It was later when she delivered her final blow.

  Seattle didn’t work out, and when I was ten, she came back begging on her hands and knees to my dad. She filled his head with dreams of us being a family and he believed her. For those two years, she could do no wrong. She was loving towards me. We had family outings, holidays, and vacations together; it was the whole works. There was this illusion of a normal family clouding my head, setting up expectations that would soon be ruined.

  I was twelve when she left again. This time for Las Vegas. A better deal came up, a new life, one without a family and she took it. When I was five, my dad didn’t even know much about my mother, but when I was twelve and she left, he was broken. How could you not be? How could you not be broken when you thought you had everything? I truly believed my dad loved my mother. She was beautiful, full of life and put on her happy face to make things look real. When she left, she crushed my dreams and left my dad a broken shell. It had taken a lot of years to put us back together. My dad never seriously dated again. I became a serial dater, never committing, knowing that I needed to be the first to leave, rather than be left.

  I heard a gentle knock on my door. I stood up and walked slowly to the door, only to be surprised to see Ty standing outside. He was so ruggedly handsome. So different from everyone else. But was he? Or was it just an illusion. I couldn’t fall under an illusion again, couldn’t risk it.

  “Hey,” he said as he smiled at me.

  Why did I think he was anything different?

  That this situation was different.

  Being friends with him would only lead to something else, something that had more meaning and something that would break my heart. I had enough heartbreak in my life and if I didn’t protect it, I would end up too broken to put myself back together again.

  This all meant that I needed one thing from Ty and then it was time to let him go.

  Every thought running through my mind, I put to the side. I shut down every emotion I was feeling. I put away all the sadness away in my head and put on my sexy smile, the Jolene that was on the prowl and always got what she wanted came out to play.

  “Hey,” I said softly. It was flipping a switch, being the Jolene I had to be in order to protect myself.

  “I thought I would stop by and ask if you want to go on a run in the morning?”

  I smirked. “You could’ve have texted me. It’s amazing what technology can do these days.”

  He opened his mouth to say something, but then stopped and rocked back on his feet. “I wanted to see you. It gave me an excuse.”

  And me an excuse to ravish him.

  “That’s sweet,” I told him. “Why don’t you come in?”

  I opened the door wider as he stepped in and went by me, his arm brushing mine. Even the simplest touch sent tingles down my body. It was like I had never touched a man before. It had apparently been too long since I had a good romp in bed. Time to fix that.

  Ty stood and scanned over the small cabin. My bed was in view from the living room, hidden away in the small alcove. The warm flannel sheets and down comforter were in a tangle of white and tan, clearly showing my lack of tidiness.

  He turned back to me and gave me a small smile. “How was your day?” he asked.

  Wrong question.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Ty

  It was instinct to come over here. It seemed foolish to stop by to ask a question but I wanted to see her. When I asked her how her day was, such a simple question, I saw her cringe quickly and then hide it as fast.

  Instead, the face she put on was one I never had seen before. Her smile was sexy as fuck as she lowered her lashes and leaned in, putting her hand on one hip. While seduction filled her face, confusion was blatant on mine. Last I knew, I was in the friend zone, but this was definitely a look of someone who wanted her prey in bed, underneath or above, I don’t think she cared at this point.

  As much as I would love to have her beneath me, those eyes trained on me as she got lost in the rhythm of our bodies, I knew this was something to approach very carefully.

  “My day?” she asked me as she cocked her head, her full dark hair falling to one side. All I wanted to do was run my hands through that silky mass of hair and grab her by the back of the neck as I brought her lips to mine. She was air and I was taking deep breaths of it, falling under her spell. The desire I had for her was insane as I felt my dick grow hard. Her eyes took me in, like I was a man waiting to be devoured. Every cell in my body was telling me that was exactly what she wanted and maybe I should think twice before giving it to her.

  “Yeah . . .” I said, apprehension in my voice.

  “I think you’re too far away,” Jo said as she took a few steps closer to me, closing the space between us. I wanted to take a step back, but felt that would be too obvious. Instead, I held my ground.

  We both stood there, her with a glint in her eyes and mine debating between lust and confusion. She took two more steps. I swallowed. Finally she was close enough to take her hand and run a single finger down my chest.

  “That’s better,” she said, barely above a whisper. My breath picked up as soon as she touched me. She was only inches away from me; hiding any reaction to her was pointless.

  “Do I make you nervous, Ty?” This time she wrapped her hand around my neck. Her delicate hands gently massaged the base of my neck.

  Shit yes she made me nervous.

  Especially now with those eyes that knew exactly what they wanted, what they hunted. And it was me, the prey, the one who didn’t know how to deal with a woman like Jo.

  I was in over my head and I hated it and loved it.

  I wanted to take a step back, tell her that she wins this game we were playing and that I give up, but I didn’t get the chance.

  She didn’t crush her mouth against mine like I thought she would, pouncing on her prey. Instead she gently pulled me towards her. Our eyes were locked and soon our mouths joined. It was a sweet and gentle kiss. Her lips were soft and this time I would never forget it, unlike the last time when I was in the fog of alcohol.

  No, I would never be able to forget this kiss. Even if meant she was giving in and knowing it would be short lived. Even if meant I could only have her for a small amount of time. It was worth it. I licked the bottom of her lip, nipping gently and as her mouth opened, I slipped my tongue in, exploring her and tasting the hint of mint and something flowery.

  It was at this point that the kiss changed, became more heated. I grabbed her waist; it fit perfectly in my large hands, and pulled her even closer. It didn’t seem possible but my head was lost in her, I don’t think we could have been close enough. She moved her hands down to my waist and effortlessly, without me even thinking twice of it, she took my shirt off, up and over my head, discarded on the floor.

  Her hands ran down my chest as I kissed her neck, nibbling on her earlobe. The sound she mad
e was heaven. One I could listen to every day, a low groan that was feminine and rustic, like a country singer in a smoky bar. She slightly pushed me away to take off her own shirt, moving this along at her own pace.

  Her red bra held her perfect breasts and I couldn’t help but lean down to kiss the swells of soft skin. I felt her step back, taking my hands and leading me somewhere.

  It wasn’t until we fell backwards, into the soft pile of sheets that had been in a tangle when I walked in, that I wondered if this was leading to where I thought it was. My lust was taking over for my brain and I was finding it extremely difficult to put a stop to this. I looked at her and our eyes connected. Only a few moments ago I had thought about how I wanted to have Jolene underneath me, but something wasn’t right.

  One of the most beautiful women I had ever seen was half naked, again, in my arms.

  But she wasn’t there.

  She was gone, lost in her mind.

  She reached for the zippers on my pants and somehow, I don’t even know, I found myself on my back, her on top of me and undoing the bottom on my jeans.

  My brain clicked in and I knew I had to stop this. I had no idea what was going on right now with her, where she was, but this wasn’t right.

  “Jolene,” I said, trying to get to her, find her in whatever mess was in her mind. She wasn’t paying attention as she leaned down and took me in for a heated kiss. God, it was so fucking hard to pull away from her at this point. Each kiss was better than the last.

  I pushed her away, gently. “Jo,” I said more firmly, gripping her waist.

  She stopped and looked at me. Really looked at me.

  “What,” she said, with almost of a bite in her tone, but it was so subtle I couldn’t really tell.

  “What’s going on?” I asked her, pleading with her. There had to be something going on, because she had sworn this wouldn’t happen and yet here we were, on the brink of sleeping together. Again.

  “Nothing.”

  “I don’t believe you.” I didn’t. Not for a second. It was true, I didn’t know Jolene that well, but I knew something was wrong.

  “You don’t know me,” was her response.

  I shook my head. “You’re right, I don’t know you all too well. But I have this feeling this isn’t what you want. Jo, you told me as much yourself. Why are we half naked in your bed?”

  And that was the point when she started to shake. I could feel it but her eyes were trying to stay strong. She wasn’t fooling me though. “It’s okay,” I told her as I ran my hands up her arm. “Whatever it is, it’s okay.”

  Jo had a tough exterior; her strength was a barrier and I knew, I just knew deep down, she rarely, if ever, let people in.

  “Jo, you can talk to me,” I told her, trying to take down her wall. Her bottom lip started to quiver and her body was still shaking. I almost felt bad I kept pushing, but she had to get it out, whatever it was.

  “Jo . . .” I said again, to keep talking to let her know I was here and I wasn’t going away. “Jo-” this time she didn’t let me finish as she collapsed, half naked, into my arms. The shaking didn’t stop but I could feel her tears on my chest. All I wanted to do was soak up her tears and her hurt, replacing it with joy or really anything besides the sadness she was experiencing right now. It was strange this feeling I had for her. It had been a long time since I had ever had feelings like this. The last time didn’t turn out as well.

  I ran my hand over her back, sweeping my fingers through her hair. I had another image in my mind of when I would able to do this, have my hands in her lush hair. Needless to say, it didn’t involve tears, but this wasn’t the first time I had a female crying in my arms, for an array of reasons.

  I turned on my side and cradled Jolene in my arms, soothing her but I was really there for her to feel a body, to know she wasn’t alone.

  Finally I heard her speak. “Sorry.”

  Only one word but it cut through me. Apologizing for crying on me? For me seeing it? I didn’t want her to be sorry. It didn’t feel right for her to tell me sorry. God, I wish I knew what was running through her head right now.

  “Shhh,” I told her as I held her tighter. A part of me never wanted to let go, knowing I was witness to a side of Jo I bet many never saw.

  “This day,” she started and then stopped, like she was trying to get the courage to speak.

  “Tell me about it,” I told her, almost begging her.

  “The past didn’t stay in the past today,” she replied.

  I knew how that was. My past was there every day. My past filled almost every one of my thoughts. All of my actions from today were because of my past.

  “It never does,” I said to her. All I wanted to do was kiss each tear away, but I knew it wasn’t the right thing. This wasn’t anything sexual; this was only me holding this gorgeous woman who had a day that was too much. We all had those. We all dealt with our past.

  “I try hard to fight it.” Her words sounded harsh, like she was in survival mode. “I can’t let anyone in.” Then her bloodshot eyes met mine. “I can’t let you in.” There was so much conviction in her words. She thought those were words were the truth and nothing would change it. It was what kept her safe. Those walls she put up and the distance she put between people; she thought those were her safety nets.

  I wasn’t going to disagree with her.

  No, I was going to prove her wrong.

  I would keep her safe. Even if it was from afar. Even if she didn’t know it, but at that moment I knew I had to do it.

  “Just let it all out,” I whispered to her. Her tears seemed endless and I settled in, pulling her up and close to me, having her rest her read in the crook of my shoulder.

  We fell asleep like that.

  It was right, even when Jo thought her world was wrong.

  Deep down, it was right.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Jolene

  “This evening I ventured out for a stroll. I was lost after only a short time. The trees all look the same, and I became disoriented. Right when I thought I was finding my way back home, I found that it was wrong, not quite the right path.”- From the diary of Maggie Brown, July 1981

  There was a knock on the door. Two nights ago when there was a knock on the door, I had a breakdown only wearing my underwear on top of Ty. It was embarrassing to say the least. When I woke up the next morning, Ty was gone and there was a note on the crumpled pillow next to me. In handwriting that was smooth and easy to read it said, Don’t forget-one step in front of another.

  There was no signature, but I knew who it was from. I remembered the words I spoke, how I pushed him away but he kept holding on. And the tears? I couldn’t believe I had cried. I never cried. The last time I had cried was five years ago and it was alone after the horrible ordeal I had gone through. Alone seemed to be the only way to be.

  More knocking brought me back to the present.

  I was a little nervous to open the door again. I lived out in the middle of nowhere, on the edge of the woods. I didn’t understand why where people still knocking on my door.

  “Jolene.” Lately, countless people had slayed me with simply my name. Each reaction was a little different. From Troy calling my name and feeling my heart plummet, to Ty saying my name and heart racing. The man currently calling my name? The feeling was somewhere in-between Troy and Ty. Even though I knew who it was, I swung open the door and found myself slightly disappointed that in front of me was not the dark haired bearded man that kept sneaking into my thoughts. No, I was now questioning why this man was on my front porch.

  “Caleb? What are you doing here?”

  He gave me his signature half smile and shrugged his shoulders. “I was in the neighborhood. Thought I would stop by.”

  I raised an eyebrow and crossed my arms.

  He shrugged again.

  Yeah know what? I wasn’t going to ask questions. Instead I took a step aside and let him in. There was a part of me that would always let Caleb in
. I didn’t know if it would always be sexual, but he was part of my life in one way or another.

  “Nice place you got here. Kind of small, but cozy,” he said as he looked around.

  “I don’t need a lot.”

  He nodded his dark blonde head. “Yeah, I think it might even be a little bigger than your apartment in Boise.”

  Caleb was right; I practically lived in a shoebox in Boise.

  “Do you want something to drink?” I asked him, because why not. I didn’t think this week could get any more bizarre, but guess I was wrong.

  “Sure, a beer please.” I went to the fridge to grab a beer. I handed it to him and he gave me a small smile. Caleb was one of the smartest people I had ever met. He was about to start his second year in his decorate program. School for him was his escape. Well, one of his escapes. Mine was sex. We all had our vices.

  We both sat on the small couch, a beer in hand and silently drank them. I didn’t know what to say honestly. Him showing up out of the blue had again, left me off my game. This place was bad for my game.

  I looked at Caleb, his boyish hair and his soft blue eyes. We had been sleeping together for over a year, I knew all the parts of him, inside and out. The soft and hard parts, the parts no one saw. And here he sat, even when I was not in his world anymore.

  I had left him. He was smart enough to figure it out. Plus he knew me. It was strange, the relationship I had with him. We had amazing sex together and we spent the rest of the time talking about our fucked up pasts. It should have had made sense, but it didn’t.

  Caleb, besides June, was really the only person who knew me. In the short time I knew him, we had been each other’s sounding board. So him sitting here? Knowing I got scared and left and probably even knowing the reason behind it. Well, that left me with nothing to say.

  I sat my beer down and leaned over to him, lifting my knees on the couch. I laid my right arm on the back of the couch and played with the ends of his hair, the dark blonde hair slightly curled at the end.