The Smudger

by Angeline Trevena

  Shrike squinted. “Yes!” Dropping Malia’s hand, he pushed past Tian and ran towards the men. One of them stepped forward and grabbed Shrike up into his arms, spinning him around.

  “I guess that’s his family then,” Tian said.

  “Then our job is done,” I replied. “Let’s get out of here.” I tugged at his sleeve.

  “Hold on,” he said.

  One of the rogues was approaching us and my feet begged to step behind Tian. I silently cursed them and forced myself to stand strong. Head held high. I met that rogue eye to eye.

  “You have nothing to fear from us,” he said straight to me. “You looked after Shrike when you could have abandoned him. I expect that was hard for you. I hope that I can, in some way, repay that favour. There’s another band of rogues on your trail. They’ve been tracking you for some time. Some ridiculous notion about finishing what was started at Okaporo.”

  “Well, they’re about ten years too late,” I said as coldly as I could manage. I felt like I was melting inside, collapsing in on myself, but I willed my legs to stone. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Tian turn and look at me. He clearly knew the significance of that name. No doubt he’d want to ask me about it later.

  The rogue shrugged. “Either way, your name is on their list. So just watch yourself. There’s also news on the network of a trader and a merchant carrying something pretty valuable. I’m guessing that’s the two of you. So you really need to stay alert. And, just a suggestion, but you might want to stay off the road too.”

  I nodded and looked at Tian.

  “Look,” the rogue continued, “we can watch you for a little while, but we certainly can’t protect you the whole way, so you’re on your own after that. This place is not safe for any of you.”

  “Thanks,” said Tian. “We appreciate that. A lot.”

  “Thank you,” I muttered.

  “We’re not all violent murderers, y’know.”

  I nodded.

  “Stay safe.” He nodded to us both, and then rejoined his friends. They all looked over at us for a second, before disappearing off into the trees.

  21

  SENETSU

  Omori howled in my arms as cold rainwater ran down her face. We were all soaked through, freezing cold, and beyond desperate. My feet were sore in my sodden shoes and my arms ached from carrying Omori’s weight. I had never felt so despairingly homesick.

  Saji was negotiating at the door of yet another boarding house. I hitched Omori further up—her slick coat was so difficult to keep hold of—and buried my face into her dripping hair.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry that this is our life.”

  My brain tried to think that maybe Mrs Rido was right, but I refused to let it. Omori was best with us, there was no question about it. I held her tighter, and looked up at Saji. He was waving his arms around, gesturing at me and Omori.

  Finally he turned round and beckoned us to come. He stepped back and let me go inside first.

  I stood in the hallway, Omori clinging to me, and dripped onto the linoleum floor. Omori was still wailing. She needed to be stripped, and changed into dry clothes, but even the spare clothes I’d taken from Mrs Rido were soaked through inside the rucksacks.

  “I can’t have that noise,” the landlord said. The sympathy that had led him to invite us in had already waned. “If my other guests find out I’ve got traders here, they’ll all leave. You’ll have to go.”

  “I’ll keep her quiet,” I said quickly. “She just needs to get out of these wet clothes. I promise, we’ll keep her quiet.” I pulled Omori against me, rubbed her back, and silently begged her to calm down.

  The landlord frowned, but relented with a nod. “Fine. But if I get a single complaint, you’re back out, rain or no rain.”

  “We understand,” said Saji. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

  The landlord led us to a room which was actually more of a cupboard. It had one bed, slightly wider than a standard single, and a bedside table rammed against it. That was all there was room for. A tiny window near the ceiling dribbled water down the wall, and had left a permanent stain in its wake.

  The landlord pointed at me, then at Saji, then back to me. “No noise. At all. And I don’t want anyone seeing you going to the bathroom either.”

  I nodded. “We won’t be any trouble.” Omori clung to my wet coat, sobbing into its folds.

  The landlord withdrew, and closed the door. I dropped Omori to the floor, and she collapsed to her knees.

  “Stand up, darling.”

  “Where’s Kioto?” she asked.

  “Kioto isn’t here.”

  “I want Kioto.”

  “Omori, stand up.”

  She didn’t move. I pushed my hands under her arms and lifted her up to her feet, but she refused to stand, simply collapsing back down each time.

  “Omori,” I whispered sharply. “If you don’t behave we’re going to be kicked out of here back into the rain. Is that what you want? To sleep outside in the rain?”

  Instead of scaring her into cooperating, my chastisement made her scream even louder. I held my hands up to Saji.

  “I can’t, I just can’t,” I said, my voice cracking with tears.

  Saji scooped her up into his arms. “I’ll put her in a hot bath. You get your wet clothes off and get some rest.”

  I nodded, sniffling like a child.

  I woke to the sound of shouting, and it took me a moment to decipher what was happening. I opened my eyes and saw Saji wrestling Omori into the room.

  She was shouting “Kioto! Kioto! Kioto!”

  I jumped from the bed and clasped my hand over her mouth.

  “Omori, you have to be quiet. If you shout they’ll kick us out in the rain.”

  She quietened a little, but continued to call out her sister’s name from behind my hand.

  I pointed wildly at the rucksacks. “That bag, Saji. I picked up some medical supplies. See if there are any sleeping pills.”

  “We can’t give a child sleeping pills.”

  “We’ll just give her half of one.”

  He still didn’t move.

  “Come on, Saji, we can’t have her like this all night.”

  He finally picked up the bag and began shaking its contents out onto the bed. Digging through them, he pulled out a bottle of tablets. He fumbled with the lid before getting it open. I took the half tablet he offered and pushed it into Omori’s mouth.

  “This will help you, darling. Swallow it down.”

  Saji passed me a bottle of water, and I handed it to Omori.

  I looked up at him. I could see how much he hated to do this, and I hated it too. But I’d hated every single night watching her crying in her sleep, and holding her tightly, rocking her back and forth, while she’d sobbed for the home and the sister she’d lost. While we’d both sobbed.

  I sat up on the bed with her, and pulled her in close. All of our clothes were wet, so I wrapped her in the thin duvet. I smoothed her hair while she cried into my chest, her hands gripped tightly around my neck.

  “Just sleep, darling, get some sleep.”

  Omori shook her head and looked up at me. “When I sleep I see Kioto,” she said. “And she’s on fire.”

  “I think it’s our only option right now,” I said. I looked down at Omori, finally sleeping soundly.

  Saji frowned and shook his head, but I could tell that he wasn’t committed to his disagreement.

  “To take all of her memories of her sister,” he said. “That’s extreme.”

  “It won’t be forever. We’ll give them back. I just… I can’t bear to see her hurting anymore. She’s emotionally and physically exhausted, and if she doesn’t remember her sister, she’ll be able to sleep. And she’ll be able to build a future for herself. We can’t spend our entire lives with our heads turned towards Okaporo. No matter how much of ourselves we left behind there. We have to concentrate on Omori now, and she needs to be able to move on.”
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  “And we’ve got to remember that she can’t be trained as a trader while she’s missing memories. You know that. Even if one scrap of a memory is missing, she won’t be able to train.”

  “Of course I realise that, but she’s only four. That gives us two years to get settled into Kumonayo before she’d start her training anyway. When our lives are stable, when she’s settled and feeling secure, then we’ll give her those memories back.”

  “And what? Have her confused and scared? Have her not trust us because we’ve been lying to her?”

  “We’ll just have to figure it out when we get to it. I’m sorry that I don’t have all the answers for you right now.”

  Saji sighed deeply. “I don’t like it.”

  “Neither do I. But I also hate giving her tablets to get her to sleep.”

  Saji nodded. “I know. I guess...”

  “It’s not forever. Just until we get settled. I’ll do it quickly while she’s asleep. She won’t even know it’s happened. No one needs to know.”

  “No, we can’t let anyone find out what we’ve done. You’d get hauled up in front of the brood mother just for performing an extraction on a child, but a child we’ve drugged into sleep? I dread to think what they’d do to you.”

  “So this is our secret,” I said, rolling Omori onto her back. I didn’t perform the Dedication. I didn’t want the High present, I didn’t want them to see what I was about to do. I lay one hand on Omori’s warm stomach, and the other on her forehead.

  She frowned and murmured as I pushed into her head. It was easy to find my way around her memories; there were so few of them compared to an adult. She’d already locked her memories of Kioto together; a dark, hard mass in her head like a tumour. It was impenetrable, vicious, malignant. I touched it, and pulled my hand from Omori’s forehead as if I’d been burnt.

  “What is it?” asked Saji.

  “I can’t do it. There’s so much hurt there, so much pain. Saji, it would kill me to carry these memories alongside my own.”

  “Can’t you lock them away? You take bad memories all the time, it shouldn’t be any different.”

  I shook my head. “It’s not the same as taking memories from a stranger. These are cohesive with my own memories. You can’t just ignore them, or push them aside as an anomaly. I’d be playing them over and over, as well as my own. I can’t do it, Saji.”

  He stepped forward and rubbed my shoulder. “It’s ok. We’ll get through this somehow. Kids are so resilient.”

  “You didn’t see inside her head. Those memories, they’re… She’s too young to be carrying something like that. Who do we know in the Akimori colony?”

  Saji thought for a moment. He grabbed his coat. “I know someone. I’ll be back soon.”

  22

  KIOTO

  I looked up at the darkening sky. “We should look for somewhere to spend the night.”

  “You’re right,” Tian said. He pulled up a screen in front of him. “There’s a town not far up—”

  “No towns,” I said. “No guest houses. For one, we’re very unlikely to find one that would take either me or Malia. And for another thing, we really don’t want to leave a trail. We don’t want anyone seeing us, or being able to identify us. And the three of us together are pretty identifiable. If you want a nice comfy bed for the night, no one’s stopping you.”

  “I’m not going to leave you two alone out here.”

  “Because we need you to protect us?”

  He grinned. “Are you kidding? I was hoping you’d protect me.”

  I punched him playfully.

  “You see,” he said. “You’ve got the killer instinct.”

  I laughed. “I can’t believe I’m hanging out with a merchant.”

  He nudged me. “We’re not all bad.”

  “Well, strictly speaking, you’re a merchant of trader heritage. So I guess that makes it ok.”

  “As long as I live up to your high standards.”

  I eyed him. “Just about, I suppose.”

  “Look at that,” he said, suddenly serious. I looked where he was pointing, and spotted the roof of a barn amongst some trees.

  “Let’s check it out,” I said. I looked back at Malia who was still trailing behind us, muttering and twitching. I wished I could do something to help her. I just hoped someone at the Honporo colony could do something. I took hold of her hand and gave it a squeeze. She didn’t seem to notice, but simply followed as we set off down the bank towards the barn.

  I settled Malia down, and, exhausted, she quickly fell into a fitful sleep. It was tiring carrying other people’s memories. They got heavy, particularly the bad ones.

  I looked around for Tian. He was sitting on a crate flicking through a small screen in front of him. I wandered over.

  “What are you looking at?”

  “Just wondering if I can make it to the next town and back before it gets too dark. Get us some supplies for breakfast.”

  I nodded. “Sounds like a good idea. Reckon you can make it?”

  “If I hurry.” He stood up.

  “Well, be careful. I don’t want to find you lying face down somewhere with a broken neck.”

  “I’ll have a scout around too, make sure there’s no sign of any rogues following us. Except the ones that are keeping an eye on us, at least.”

  I huffed. “There’s no one keeping an eye on us. If they are following us, they’re probably just waiting for their chance to kill us first.”

  “What is your problem? If they’d wanted to kill us they have had plenty of chances.”

  I shrugged. “They’re playing with us. Like cats with their prey.”

  Tian shook his head. “I better go if I’m going to be able to see to come back.” He stood, and the screen moved with him.

  “Can’t you light your way with that?” I asked, gesturing at the illuminated screen hovering between us.

  “It’s not a torch.” He patted me on the shoulder. “I’ll be back soon.”

  I nodded. “We’ll be here.”

  I watched him disappear into the dusk. I looked back over at Malia. She’d rolled over and her face was illuminated by our solar lanterns. She was frowning, and mumbling in her sleep. Maybe I’d ask Tian for another sleeping pill for her tonight. It was unfair to make her walk so far every day when she wasn’t getting a proper rest at night.

  I sat down and opened my bag, pulling out everything I needed for the Grace. I hadn’t been strict enough about doing it every day, ending up rushing through it at dusk without the reverence it deserved. Of course, the ceremony had to be performed minus my pebble. The one remaining thing I had from my home.

  It had been fully dark for some time when Tian finally reappeared, and I’d almost worn a trench into the floor pacing back and forth with worry.

  “Where’ve you been?” I demanded.

  “Shopping.” He smiled at me, holding up two bulging bags.

  “I thought you were just grabbing some breakfast for tomorrow.”

  “Just because we’re sleeping in a barn, doesn’t mean we can’t eat like kings.”

  I shook my head. “Whatever.”

  Tian began unloading the bags. I looked at the array of what could only be described as snack foods. There was plenty of sugar, but not the slightest hint of a vegetable.

  “What’s all this?” I asked.

  “I thought we’d have a movie night.”

  I gestured to the barn around us. “Movie night? Just one problem.”

  “Not a problem at all.” Tian drew a screen between us and then threw the projection to the far wall of the barn, creating our own cinema. “Modern technology isn’t all evil, y’know.”

  I took hold of one of his hands and inspected his thumb and forefinger. Tiny silver scars showed where the implants had been inserted. I pressed my thumb against them. They were tiny, but you could feel them. I shivered, and backed away.

  “It’s just creepy having something put in under your skin like th
at. Don’t you ever worry that they might explode or something?”

  Tian laughed. “It’s never happened yet.”

  “But it could, couldn’t it?”

  He shrugged. “And I could get hit by a bus.”

  “Which are also meant to be perfectly safe and incapable of harming humans.”

  He grinned at me and dragged a couple of bales of hay over in front of the screen, gesturing for me to sit down. He sat next to me and drew out a smaller screen.

  “What do you fancy?” he asked.

  “You choose.”

  “I guess you’re not really up to date with the latest releases, eh?”

  I didn’t answer.

  Tian loaded a screen, and the opening credits started rolling. I’d seen movies before, watched TV, but it didn’t fascinate me. I spent most of the time thinking of all the more useful things I could be doing. I looked around the barn. I guess I wouldn’t have that problem today. Looking back up at the screen, I decided to try my best to enjoy it.

  Tian pushed a packet of popcorn at me.

  “It’s popcorn,” he said. “Try it.”

  “I’m not from some prehistoric age, I have had popcorn before.”

  “You don’t seem like a sugar kind of person, that’s all.”

  I grabbed a handful and stuffed it into my mouth, spilling half of it into my lap. I smiled broadly at Tian, my mouth full.

  He burst out laughing, and I laughed too, spraying popcorn everywhere. He threw a handful of it at me, and I returned another.

  “Stop, stop!” he spluttered, picking popcorn out of his hair. “You’re not at all how I imagined you’d be.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You traders always seem so serious all the time. So… sanctimonious.”

  “It’s an inherited facial expression, passed down through the generations. We have special classes on it and everything.”

  “That’s why you all do it so well.”

  “Oh yes, our sanctimony is practised and perfected.”

  Tian looked at me for a moment. “Is it true what he said, that you’re from Okaporo?”

  I sighed. “I knew you’d ask. I’m surprised it took you so long. Yes, I’m from Okaporo.”