The Secret He Keeps

by Julieann Dove

  She slid on her shirt and lunged for her ringing cell phone on the nightstand. It was next to a baggie of marshmallows she’d been munching on all morning.

  “Hey, Mom.”

  “Rachel, I’m just calling to check on you. What are you up to?”

  “I went for a jog this morning, clipped Gus’s toes, and now I’m putting together something for dinner a little later. I’m having meatloaf, potatoes, and cottage cheese. I’ve got to pack on the protein.”

  “Why do you do that, Rachel?”

  “What?” Her mother actually said something off cue.

  “Patronize me. I want to hear what you’re really doing. Not something you’ve made up to get me off the phone.”

  “Doesn’t it make you feel better?”

  “No, I want to know the truth. If you moved back here, I could help you.”

  Rachel rolled her eyes. Here we go again. “Mom, I’m not moving back. I like living here.”

  “Have you cleaned the office yet?”

  Man, her mother knew her well. “Yes.”

  “You’ve packed up those books of Scott’s and donated them to his firm or given them to the Salvation Army?” She waited for her daughter’s reply.

  “The Salvation Army, Mother? What would they want with law books? I’m not donating them. They don’t need them. Mom, I’m getting another call. Can I call you tomorrow?”

  “Sure, but you need to think about moving, Rachel. You’re not where you need to be. I love you, honey.”

  “I love you, too. Bye-bye.”

  She pressed the button to answer her other call. “Hello?”

  “Hey.”

  The voice rattled her. She wasn’t expecting to hear it, but at the moment, she would’ve picked up a call from Saddam Hussein’s ghost in order to get out of dodging the truth with her mother.

  She remained silent.

  “Hello? Rachel?”

  “Dane?”

  “Yeah. I’m surprised you answered.”

  She took a deep breath and swallowed. “Did you need something?”

  “I was just calling to check on you. I wanted to make sure you made it home last night. Who was that guy, again, who you were with?”

  “It was John. He’s just someone I met.”

  There was silence. Rachel checked to see whether the call dropped.

  “Did he stay the night?”

  “Excuse me? Are you serious right now?” Rachel’s hand rested on her hip, laying on the bed.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.”

  “No, you shouldn’t have. Who do you think I am, Dane? I barely made the date. I talked myself out of it at least a thousand times.” She shook her head. “Even Collette didn’t ask me if he spent the night. She might’ve asked about a kiss, but really? Sleep with him? Who do you think I am? I’m sort of a married woman.”

  “I’m sorry, Rach. It was just a shock to see you at Grayson’s, that’s all.”

  “I can’t believe I went, either.”

  “Say, do you want to go and grab some dinner later on? My treat.”

  “No thank you.” She said it without even thinking. It was too awkward spending time with Dane without Scott. She was afraid it would creep up on her guilt-odometer. It was pretty full by now as it was.

  “Come on, Rach. I know for a fact you don’t have any plans.”

  “Oh? And how sure are you about that? I could be going out again with John.”

  “Are you?”

  She bit on her lower lip. “Well, no but—”

  “I’ll pick you up at five.”

  “Dane—”

  “Gotta go. See ya then.”

  She looked down at the phone. His number had already disconnected. She flopped backward on the bed. What in the world was she going to do now? Dane was pretty stubborn. She wondered how she’d gotten away for so long without him calling her. Oh yeah, she had a fuzzy recollection of avoiding all his calls, along with all their other friends. She called one night at two a.m. and left a message that if he didn’t stop calling, she’d move back to Georgia. She was pretty certain he wouldn’t be awake to take the call. It seemed to work. Now that he saw she was released back into the wild, he figured he’d start calling again, she guessed.

  For an outing with Dane, she didn’t put too much thought into it. She just slipped on a pair of jeans, threw on a shirt, and left her hair naturally curly. He arrived at five. It made her think of John and his punctuality. He texted her a little earlier, saying he was sorry how the date went, but she hadn’t text him back yet. She was still wondering what to do with that hot mess. Both of them seemed to not know exactly what they were doing. Everything in her said it was too early to be dating. Ten years from now would be too early, probably. But the thought about being celibate that long frightened her. Anyway, he did have good hygiene. And if it went bust with the cheating girlfriend, she could see herself on another date with him. Maybe in another year, or so.

  “Hey Dane.” She had her coat on and was ready to go when he knocked on the door. No sense in inviting him inside to see the circus. She hadn’t found time to get around to taking out the trash…on the living room floor, counters, and coffee tables. Baby steps. She did the laundry. Well, sort of. There were piles on the bed and sofa to be folded. But it made it easy to find a towel for another shower when she returned home.

  “Hey yourself. Can I come in?”

  “Nah, it’s kind of messy. The maid didn’t show up for work again.”

  “I hate it when that happens.”

  He escorted her to his car. She recognized it from the other morning as the one that was driving slow by her house. She wondered whether it was him. Not too many seniors on her block had less than four doors these days. Mable Haskins traded in her Sable for a Lincoln Town Car last month. She barely weighed ninety-five pounds soaking wet and looked like a tiny troll driving behind the wheel.

  “New car?”

  “Yeah. I needed something better on gas.”

  “Better on gas? Don’t you mean with more room in the backseat?” She looked back to see a full bench seat. She remembered all the stories he’d tell Scott when they were dating of how his car was fully operational for instances when he couldn’t wait to get a girl home. They’d simply take advantage of parking lots. She found him to be such a rebel. Or a man-whore—she couldn’t remember which.

  “I don’t think so, Rach. I’ve grown up since then. I could even be trusted with one of those Fiats.”

  “Okay, if you say so. So where are you taking me? I don’t think I want Chinese or Italian. I had ramen noodles for lunch.” She was so much more at ease than last night.

  “Oh, you’ll like what I have planned. That’s for sure.”

  Rachel watched as Dane drove down streets she was familiar with but traveled less these days. Then he made a right on Clover and she realized he was taking her to his house. Suddenly she had flutters in the pit of her stomach. She hadn’t been there since before the accident. She never went there without Scott. She was scared she was going to have a relapse.

  “Are you okay?” Dane turned to her when he opened the garage to drive the car inside.

  She drew a breath and released it slowly. “Dane, I wish you would’ve told me you were bringing me here.”

  “What would you have done? Not come?”

  “Probably not.”

  “That’s silly, and probably why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t feel like restaurant food. I made you one of your favorite dishes. It’s all in the oven, awaiting us.”

  “Chicken pot pie?” Suddenly her wrecked nerves were settling. This would be all right if it involved comfort food.

  “No, it’s a surprise.”

  She got out and followed him up the garage steps. She touched the freezer he had by the rack of gardening tools. Scott helped lift it from the back of a neighbor’s truck, who sold it to Dane for a hundred dollars. The two friends said they were going to keep it stocked with beer for their Wednes
day night poker games.

  Dane pushed open the door and motioned for Rachel to go in front of him. Her body tensed as she stepped into the kitchen. It smelled like garlic. She tried to make light of how nervous she’d suddenly become. Anxiety hit her at the most inopportune times.

  “Warding off vampires?”

  “Yeah, we’ve had a rash of sightings lately in the hood.”

  She laughed and loosened her balled fist. “Have any wine?”

  Dane helped her with her coat. “Wine? I thought you didn’t drink anymore.”

  Since when was that? “No, I believe in a little before dinner.”

  And during dinner, after dinner, and sometimes in the mornings too.

  “Sure, I think I have a bottle. Go and have a seat at the counter. I’ll find it and pour you a glass.”

  She watched as he checked the oven. Then he grabbed a few glasses from a tall cabinet by the fridge and looked for the right bottle of wine in his wine rack. “This one pairs nicely with swordfish.”

  He fumbled for a cork in the drawer.

  “Did you say swordfish?”

  “Yes. You love it, remember?”

  “Uh, no. I’ve never had it.” Rachel drummed her fingers, trying not to seem like an alcoholic craving her next fix. Truth be known, liquor was the only thing that could possibly get her through this outing. At her husband’s best friend’s house.

  “Hey, whose are these?” She pulled a pair of earrings off his knickknack shelf.

  He handed her a glass of red wine and looked at the earrings she held. “Those are yours, in fact.”

  Rachel took a healthy gulp. “Try again. They’re probably some girl’s you don’t remember.”

  “No, they’re really yours.”

  “Dane Stone, I’ve never in my life seen these before. And I can’t tell you the last time I was here at your house. Now just admit you had a honey here last week and you haven’t returned any of her calls, so you want me to reap a pair of pretties.”

  “Rachel, they were in your personal effects the hospital gave me.” He stopped fiddling with his wine glass and stared at her.

  She set down her glass and studied the jewelry. “I don’t even remember them.” She held one of them close to her face, studying the dangling diamond. “I must’ve gotten them within months of the accident then.” She set them down. “And why is it that you have them?”

  Dane pulled the platters out of the oven with oversized lobster mitts. “Because you’ve never come over to get them. I don’t know. I must’ve forgotten to give them to your mother or something.”

  She remembered finally opening the tan envelopes with hers and Scott’s things inside them from the wreck. She placed his watch and his wallet in his nightstand drawer. His wedding ring never turned up. A mystery that still haunted her.

  “Say, you wouldn’t happen to have his ring, would you?”

  Dane’s head snapped toward her, his eyes becoming narrow. “No. Why would I have it?”

  “No reason. It’s just that it didn’t get returned by the hospital. I called them and they said he wasn’t wearing any other jewelry than his watch. Which I can’t really believe. He wore it every day. Every night even. He never took it off. It really bothers me that it’s lost.” She didn’t know why Dane’s stare was so concentrated on her.

  “Well, I can’t help you out. Sorry.”

  Rachel never stopped looking for his ring. She turned the house upside down when her mother was there. They searched cushions, the washer, the dryer—they even went to the impound lot and her mother searched the car. Rachel was too upset to go anywhere near it. Nothing ever showed up about his ring. To this day, she felt a piece of him was missing.

  “So I like this?” Rachel looked at her plate.

  “You love it.”

  “Well, I appreciate you going to all this trouble to cook. It smells wonderful. And I don’t have to worry about bite marks tonight. The local vampires are sure to get a whiff of this and fly in the opposite direction.” She poured another glass of wine. She noticed Dane watching her.

  “Since when do you drink two glasses?”

  “Since I began eating swordfish and loving it.” She raised her glass and smiled before taking a sip.

  “So who are you dating these days, Dr. Stone?”

  “No one in particular.”

  “That’s a lie. Is she someone I know and wouldn’t approve of?”

  “No. I’m not dating anyone, Rachel.” He took a bite of his broccoli.

  “I see. Well, why aren’t you?”

  “I’m focused on my business.”

  Rachel heard him loud and clear. It was probably his subtle way of asking when she was going to come back. Who knows, maybe she could see a few patients. Dip her toe in the water. Then again, maybe it’d be easier to just stay home and make nice with Gus. As much as she thought she was prepared to face society and deal with their medical issues, she withdrew, knowing her issues were larger.

  “Dane, maybe you should just find another partner.”

  He finished chewing, holding a finger up for her to wait a second. “No, Rachel. We talked about this. You’re coming back. I’ve made good on my word and left you alone. But don’t you think sooner than later is going to happen soon?”

  She swirled the beverage in her glass. “I’m unsure of myself. I don’t think I can make it, looking at everyone, pretending I’m the doctor in the room.”

  “That’s fine. You are the doctor in the room.”

  “I know. I just don’t feel like it. Doctors should have their shit together. I don’t.”

  “Fine. Come back for one day a week. Graduate one more every few weeks, until you’re there with us for a regular fifty-hour week.”

  “Fifty hours?” Do you know how many movies can be seen in fifty hours? How much procrastination can go on for fifty hours? Lots.

  “I’m kidding, Rachel. We do good to pull thirty-five a person. One day isn’t going to kill you.”

  She reached across the table and rubbed the scruff of his facial hair. “It might, lumberjack Dane.”

  He caught her hand and looked in her eyes. Her smile disappeared and she claimed back her hand. Her eyes darted from her potatoes to her wine glass. Why did he just do that?

  “So I was thinking of going out with John again. I’m not sure, though.”

  Dane continued to stare at his fish, his hand not moving from where he placed it on his napkin.

  “Earth to Dane.” Rachel bent her head to make eye contact with him.

  Eventually he looked up. “Are you ready for a relationship?” He wiped his mouth and threw his napkin across his plate. Only half of his food was consumed.

  “Definitely not a relationship, but Collette told me it’ll stop me from becoming some sort of psycho for later dating.”

  “Come again?”

  “You know, like when and if I date again, I won’t have to say it’s been five years or whatever since I’ve gone out with someone. It might scare a guy off to wonder why I’ve been out of the scene for too long.”

  Rachel closed her eyes, as the image came to mind of her dating strange men. Especially when all she wanted was her husband back. Dane’s house was so empty without him here. She was usually the one cleaning up the dishes while they watched television. And then to think of dating. She and Scott talked of what their future was going to be. Thoughts of rocking babies in the middle of the night with him seemed so impossible now. Suddenly she was consumed with grief, and began to cry. She buried her head in her hands. “I’m sorry.”

  Dane got out of his chair and knelt next to her. His hand stroked her back. “Rachel, what’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know. It’s just so unnatural to be here without Scott. To be talking about going out on dates. It’s not right. I mean, Scott hasn’t even been gone a year. And it’s not like I want to find someone else. Mom and Collette keep telling me it will help in the lonely hours. They say I won’t get better unless I move forward. I’m
just not sure I can.”

  She wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “What do they know about the lonely hours anyway? Collette has never had a serious relationship last more than a week. And Mom’s been single since Dad died. Do you think I should stay single, Dane?”

  She looked at him there, kneeling beside her.

  He wiped her tears away with his finger. “Of course he wouldn’t want you to be alone, Rach. Scott would want you to find someone who made you happy. Someone to take care of you for the rest of your life.”

  “How can you be sure?”

  “Because I was his…” He closed his eyes before he finished the thought. “I was his best friend.”

  “Then you think I should just go out and let some guy hold my hand? That’s innocent enough, right? But then what if they want to kiss me, hug me, or make breakfast for me in the morning…after a few hundred dates or so? When will I be ready, Dane?”

  He pushed her hair from her eyes and traced the scar on her forehead with his finger. “Rachel, you will know when it’s time. But I’m not so sure about that guy, John. You don’t even know him.”

  “He’s nice, Dane. You would like him.”

  “I don’t think so.” He lowered his head.

  “That’s not fair. He’s someone you and Scott would hang out with.”

  Dane rose and gathered his plate, walking it to the kitchen. “No one will be good enough for you, Rachel.”

  “You’re sounding like my parent again, Dane,” she said, putting one more bite of potatoes in her mouth before walking her plate to the kitchen, right behind him.

  “I don’t mean to.” Dane scraped his food into the trash and took Rachel’s to do the same.

  She jumped up on the counter and watched as he rinsed the dishes. “I feel so guilty, you know, like Scott’s watching me all the time. And it’s breaking his heart to see me with someone else.”

  “Then maybe we should just hang out more. Maybe it’s time you come back to work.”

  She bit her lip. “I don’t know if I’m ready for all of that.”

  “Rachel, you have to move on now. I think it’s time.”

  “I wish you could tell my therapist that. I hate going there.”