The Secret He Keeps

by Julieann Dove

He stopped the water and looked at her. “You haven’t had any sense of recall about anything then?”

  “Dane, I can’t even recall those earrings over there. I’m picturing he took me out to some expensive restaurant and probably gave them to me. Then maybe we went dancing, and then we went back home, and—”

  Rachel was still swooning when Dane interrupted. “Okay, Rachel, I get the picture.”

  She noticed he was bracing himself against the counter, his jaw was clenched, and his fists were balled.

  “Dane, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. I’m just tired.”

  “And grumpy.” She scooted off the counter. “Did I say something to upset you? Does talking about Scott make you sad or something?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “Then what is it? You looked like you wanted to punch out his lights if he was standing here.”

  He turned and stared at her. “You just have a perfect picture of him painted in your mind, don’t you?”

  “Uh, pretty much. He was my Prince Charming, after all. Probably why I’ll never find anyone to measure up against him. Why I’ll be single the rest of my life.”

  “Okay, Rachel.” He put one hand on her shoulder and clenched it before he walked into the other room.

  Rachel looked at the earrings on the counter. She went and picked them up, rolling them in her hand, trying her best to recollect ever seeing them before. If only she could remember something. Anything. The more she tried, the more void her memory became. And then the thought occurred to her. Perhaps the earrings weren’t hers. Scott had never purchased dangling earrings for her before. When she was smaller, she had an earring get tangled in her shirt when she undressed and it ripped clear out. Scott shuddered from the story and only purchased post-type ones for her.

  She walked briskly into the living room to find Dane. He sat on the edge of the sofa, his chin resting on his hands.

  “Dane, these aren’t mine.” She held up the two diamond drop earrings to show him.

  “What are you talking about, Rachel?”

  “Scott didn’t buy big, dangling earrings.”

  “I’d hardly say they were big. Look, they’re barely half an inch long.”

  “Oh, they’re a half inch, all right. And he remembered a story I told him about one ripping from my ear when I was young, and always bought me posts.” She moved her hand to make them sway.

  She sat down and grabbed her mouth.

  “What?” he asked. “What is going through your mind now?”

  “I bet these were in his Jeep and they automatically thought they were mine.”

  “Rachel, I’m pretty sure that the things the hospital gives are the personal effects, not something they found in a car.”

  She shook her head. “No, you can’t be sure of that. We can’t be sure of anything at this point. I mean, why don’t I have his ring? You know for a fact he wore it all the time.”

  He took a large breath. “Okay, Colombo. I think you’re overthinking things now.”

  She swatted her hand and looked pensively at the ground, as if she were deciphering encryptions on the rug. “No, it’s coming together. Maybe these were another girl’s earrings.” She snapped her head up. “Let’s face it, Dane. I would remember a stupid pair of earrings. I mean, seriously.”

  “Rachel, you don’t remember buying the new fridge that’s in your kitchen.”

  He had her there. She had called Dane right after she got home from the hospital and asked what happened to her old one. Her mother couldn’t tell her. Rachel never mentioned buying a new one to her. Dane said the old one stopped working and Scott purchased one online and had it delivered. It was strange he didn’t go through Dane’s family building business. He got discounts on appliances and building materials. They even used him when their heat pump burned out two years ago.

  “By the way, why didn’t he go through your dad to buy that thing? I found the bill a few months ago. Who in the heck pays $2500 when your dad could’ve gotten it for half that?”

  Dane shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  But something told Rachel he did. Dane knew more things than she did half the time about her husband. “Were you all on the outs about something? Is that why he didn’t ask you?”

  His face contorted. With too much exaggeration. “That’s ridiculous.”

  “No, you want to know what’s ridiculous? That I don’t know whose stupid earrings these are, and you’re acting squirrely.” Her eyes popped. She grabbed her mouth. “Oh my God.”

  “What now?”

  She threw the earrings on the table. “He was having an affair, wasn’t he? And that’s why you weren’t talking to him. That’s why it looks like you want to hurt him now.” She tapped her lips and stood to pace. “And that would make sense why Karen said he came to the book club meeting and we fought.” She tilted her head and stopped walking briefly. “But why would he come there and yell?”

  She smacked her leg. “I know! Because maybe I found out about it. Maybe I left a note, or—”

  Dane stood up and grabbed her by the shoulders. “Rachel, you’re going to drive yourself mad if you don’t stop this. Scott didn’t cheat on you.”

  She looked him square in the eyes. “Can you say that with certainty? Can you stand there and tell me these clues mean nothing?”

  “Clues?” He loosened his grip. “All you have are a pair of earrings you don’t remember, a fridge that he overpaid for, and an overactive imagination.” He smoothed back her hair. “And I’m certainly not angry with him.”

  She sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m just searching for something to make me not so freaking in love with him. Do you know how bad it hurts me to be without him, Dane?”

  He cradled her and his warm breath felt good blowing into her hair. “I know, Rach. Time heals all wounds. The more time that passes, you’ll be able to move past this. Scott would want you to.”

  She looked up at him. His pale-blue eyes stared through her. He stopped the rocking motion and possibly stopped breathing. She couldn’t feel his breath on her face. Something was in his eyes. She felt a tug…a surge of flutters in her stomach. She wanted to kiss him. Instead, she took a step backward and moved away.

  “I really should get going. I’ve got to let Gus out and…”

  “And?” He walked closer to where she now stood.

  She took her coat from the back of the sofa and swallowed hard, backing away from him. “Oh, and then I have to probably get something from the dryer and do something with that.”

  He gently removed her tucked hair from her coat, freeing it with his hand. His eyes were still telling her something. She saw his chest heaving. Her hand rested against it.

  “Dane, I would like to go home please.”

  His breathing calmed. “Sure. If that’s what you want.”

  “Yeah, that would be good.”

  He stepped away from her. “Let’s go through the garage.”

  ***

  Why was this so difficult? Dane pushed the button for the garage door to rise. They were almost lip-to-lip. Should he have pressed for a kiss? No. That would not be cool. Especially considering most of their talk was about Scott during the evening. He got it. Scott was all she knew. Why she saw a therapist to get past it. Which, by the way, wasn’t the most effective. He needed to check into some other ones. Rachel was doing better, but he still needed her to remember. He left out the earrings on purpose. To try to jog her memory. That was a bust. She didn’t remember them. What he wouldn’t do to just bleed out the truth to her. To let her know how different Scott had become. How he didn’t recognize the guy in the last year before he died. But that would kill Rachel. To her, he was a saint.

  They pulled up to her house and everything in Dane fought to just grab her and tell the truth. To stop prancing around the subject like everyone had for the past ten months. To tell her she was all he thought about. Why he hadn’t been on a date in forever. Why waiting for her to move forward was all
he could think about. How the time without her was killing him.

  “Well, thank you for dinner. It was really good.”

  “Then you remember liking swordfish?”

  “Not exactly. But it was good.”

  “Let me walk you to the door.” He turned the ignition off and felt for the door handle.

  “No, I’ve got it.”

  “Nonsense. I want to see you to the door.”

  She shrugged. “Okay.”

  They stood on the porch like awkward teenagers. His knees were either knocking because of the dipping temperatures or the fact she made his heart race every time he was around her. And now all he wanted to do was press his lips against hers. To feel the warmth of her breath in his mouth. To taste her.

  “Earth to Dane.”

  Dane shook the thought and saw that she finally found the keys she was fumbling for in her bag. “Well, this is it.”

  “Yep.” Her brow arched and he glanced at her scar.

  He leaned in for a kiss when someone began yelling from somewhere in the darkness. They both turned their heads in the direction of the commotion.

  “Brittany, what’s wrong?” Rachel asked.

  “Dr. Miller, it’s Caitlin. She can’t breathe. Can you come quick?” The teenage girl with short blonde hair, freckles, and crooked teeth was pleading. She had on a striped short-sleeve shirt and still the cold temperatures of the night didn’t seem to bother her.

  “Sure. Go tell your mom I’m on my way.”

  The little girl ran off the porch and into the night. Rachel stabbed her key into the lock and told Dane to wait a second. He waited for her to grab her medical bag from the hall closet. Gus paced back and forth in front of the sidelights.

  “You can go home if you want. I’ve got this.”

  “What exactly is going on? Does she need an ambulance?”

  “No, it’s her sister. She has asthma. I’m going to go and check her out.”

  “Then I’m coming to help.”

  Rachel ran across the street, holding tight to her bag. The porch light was on at the house across the street. Brittany held the screen door wide open for them. Rachel went in first.

  “Rachel, thank goodness you came. Caitlin can’t breathe. I’ve tried putting that mask on her, but she fights me so bad. She can’t even cry much anymore, only barking like a seal. I’m scared to death.”

  The lady was thin, her hair short and uncombed. Her eyes looked tired and she wore black circles like battle scars. “Brittany, go get Jacob. Make sure he’s all right.”

  The girl ran upstairs. Rachel went into the living room and picked up the small child who was lying on the sofa. Her cheeks were bloody red, her hair sticking to her forehead. The blue in her eyes was almost translucent and she could barely hold them open.

  “Debbie, how long has she been like this? Why didn’t you take her to the doctor?” Rachel began to carry the toddler upstairs.

  “Rachel,” Dane called out to her. “Let’s take her to the emergency room. They can give her a shot of steroids.”

  “Just bring my bag, Dane. I know what to do,” Rachel yelled out.

  He picked it up and followed the noise of Rachel’s commands. “Debbie, start the shower. Brittany, go get the nebulizer with the mask and the medicine.”

  A little boy stood at the top of the stairs, rubbing his eyes. Another blond-headed child. How many were there? There was a dirty dinosaur on his shirt. It looked like spaghetti sauce. His belly was sticking out. The shirt was two sizes too small. He had on no pants, just a pair of cream-colored underwear, the whiteness long ago gone. “Hey, buddy,” Dane said as he passed him.

  He made it to where everyone was congregating. It was a small bathroom. Shaggy pink rugs were on the floor, along with a boat and a butterfly net. A toilet sat next to the one-sink vanity. “I’ll be right out. I’m going to start the shower. The steam is good for her.”

  Dane waited outside. The little boy stood next to him, looking up with sad eyes, as though this was what it was always like there. Dane moved to the top step of the staircase and took a seat. He could hear the water from the shower and the hum from the machine they took inside with them. He figured it was still in the stages that a nebulizer could work for the sick girl. The little boy pushed himself against him, leaning his head on Dane’s arm.

  Ten minutes later, the door opened. Steam escaped, filling into the hall. Everyone’s hair was plastered to their heads. “Dane, give me my bag, please.”

  Dane moved the little boy who was stuck to his arm and handed it up to her. “I’ll be right back. I have to give her some medicine. Go wait for me downstairs. I’ll be right there.”

  ***

  Rachel couldn’t believe it when she saw the clock on the dresser. It was two a.m. She must have fallen asleep. Caitlin was on the bed above where Rachel sat. She looked restful. Her breathing was normal. Rachel put her stethoscope in her ears and put the metal end on the little girl’s chest. Steady beats. She moved it to her lungs. No more crackling. For the time being. Debbie had to stop waiting too long before she took the poor little thing to the doctor. The last time Rachel had to go to her house was before Scott died. Was it that long ago?

  She nudged Debbie on the chair in the corner. It was a large wicker rocking chair, probably a chair she used nightly to rock one of her children or other. Her neck looked broken from its position. It was surprising she was able to function at all. Her husband had left her two years ago, before Caitlin was born. He said it and he meant it: no more kids. But abortion was not the answer for her. Debbie had been trying to make do ever since. Those three precious, blonde, blue-eyed children were all that she had.

  “Debbie, I’m going home. I’ll call you in the morning to check on her. Give her another treatment when she wakes up. And call me if you need to.” She whispered it so she wouldn’t wake up Brittany. The teenager trapped in the body of a caregiver, too, had fallen asleep on the floor next to Rachel. She found a jacket on the floor and covered her up with it.

  She wondered where Dane had gone. She didn’t have time to really say much in all the commotion. She crept down the stairs, holding on to the sticky handrail. Probably from peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, or lollipops. A toy or piece of paper with crayon markings on it was on every other step.

  She found him on the couch. His chin rested on his hand. Under his other arm was Jacob. The little boy who she worried about racing up and down the street on training wheels two weeks ago. He was now cuddled up next to Dane. She waited before she woke him up. It was a side she hadn’t seen of him. Protective and parental. That’s what was missing from Jacob’s life. And if she was ever looking for another guy, it’s something that would rate high on her scale of attraction.

  “Dane,” she whispered in his ear. “It’s time to go now.”

  Dane’s eyes opened slowly. He was focusing on things around him. Suddenly he looked to his right. He held up the little boy’s head as he stood. Rachel got a pillow and a large tee shirt from the laundry basket in the corner and covered him up. They snuck out, pulling the door quietly shut behind them.

  They made it across the street. A thin layer of ice had settled on Dane’s windshield. Rachel felt like a heel for not inviting him inside, especially after what they’d just gone through. But she didn’t want to ask him to stay. She’d felt something that night with him. And seeing the side of him she’d just seen with Jacob, it cast him in a new light. His chronic bachelor days were more of a distant memory now.

  “Dane, I feel bad for you leaving this late.”

  “I could stay.”

  She pulled at his coat—the way a girl flirts with a guy. It felt weird. “No, I think it’s a good idea if you just go on home.”

  He looked at her with bedroom eyes. “I can sleep on the couch. It’s kind of late, and my windshield is frozen.”

  Now she did feel like a complete jerk, but she was sure it wasn’t a good idea for him to stay. That was a certainty. “I can scrape i
t if you’d like.”

  She blew warm air into her hands.

  “No.” His posture drooped from disappointment. “I’ll get up the road. But call if you need anything.”

  “Will do.” White air puffed from her mouth.

  He leaned in. She braced herself. His breath felt warm on her cheek as he gave her a peck. She smiled and stepped inside. Where she walked directly to her bedroom and paced in front of her mirror, still donning her wool coat. What was that? What was that? What was that? Her hormones felt as if they were fireworks and someone had just lit the fuse. If it weren’t in the latest of hours, she would’ve speed-dialed her friend and asked the very question. Maybe she needed physical contact more than she figured. And even if it would’ve been easier to get it from some adorable bum downtown, propped up against the library door, Dane provided her with a medical record of no known diseases. At least none she knew of. His promiscuous college days were another story.

  Chapter TEN

  Regressing

  Rachel fell asleep on the sofa again. She rationalized her bed was full of laundry that needed to be folded, but deep inside she knew she felt guilty for what she felt with her husband’s best friend. After showering, she had an urge to go in the closet and weed through some of Scott’s clothes. She started with his suits. Each one of them she could remember with clarity what he looked like wearing them. She took the pinstriped one off the rod and stared at it. She thought back to the time he was waiting in the parking lot of her office when she got off work. They ate dinner at a posh restaurant in town and went home early before finishing their dessert. She laughed, remembering Scott getting his arm caught in his jacket in the heat of the moment when they returned home. His lips never left hers as he kept chopping at the stupid coat. The next morning, she came out of the bedroom in her robe and marveled at the strewn clothes that were left like breadcrumbs, leading to the bedroom.

  She hugged the jacket and wept. His smell was still there. The aftershave that was still on the sink in her bathroom. It was beside his brush. She used to sleep with it after the accident. She’d come a long way by some standards, now that she slept without hair accessories. And she stopped turning on his shaver in the mornings, just to hear it hum. Because that was what she was used to. Her morning ritual had become obliterated after that damn accident. That damn, damn accident.