Elements of Ruin (Hijinks Harem Book 2)

by C. M. Stunich

  Hah, yeah I didn't believe that either; I was totally ogling my former best friend and recent lover.

  Like, if I had the power of telekinesis that towel would have been on the floor from the force of my stare alone.

  “Billy shrunk them all,” Reg offered, “but I'm pretty sure it was you he was hoping to see wrapped in one. Not this ass.”

  Warden's back was turned to me as he filled himself a cup of coffee, and because I was ogling so hard I plainly saw his shoulders tighten at the mention of Billy.

  I wonder what their deal was…

  Oh wait. I did have the power of telekinesis. Sort of.

  Creating a sharp downdraft of air, the tiny little cloth was promptly whipped from Warden's butt and my jaw dropped open.

  “Bat on a butt cheek,” I whispered, a little in shock.

  “Hey! Not cool, Ari-Vampari,” Warden growled, bending to pick up his towel and treating us all to a prime view of his wrench and bolts from between his legs. Or should I say extension cord and plug?

  Oh don't judge, Britt and Reg were both staring just as much as I was.

  “Maxi Pad,” Britt snickered, biting her lip to hold the laughter at bay, “do you have a vampire bat tattooed on your ass?”

  “What?” Warden froze like a deer in headlights, the pathetic excuse for a towel clutched to his crotch.

  “On your ass,” Britt explained. “You have that little cartoon bat that you used to draw for Ari tattooed on your butt cheek. Here, turn around.” She hopped off the counter where she had been sitting and tried to get behind Warden while he backed against a cupboard.

  “No, of course not,” he scoffed, but an adorable blush stained his cheeks.

  “Warden … you got my cartoon likeness tattooed on your ass?” I chuckled, trying not to tease too hard.

  “I did not! It's just a bat. Just a normal bat. Because … because …” he looked around the kitchen, clearly searching for a plausible lie, “because this one time I fell down a well and it was all full of bats and they really scared the shit out of me. So … I got one tattooed on me so I would stop being afraid of them.”

  “Isn't that the story of how Batman became Batman?” I grinned and he scowled.

  “Fine. I was drunk, and you really hurt me. Is that what you wanted to hear, Smokey? That I was so hurt by what you did, I got your cartoon likeness tattooed on my butt cheek so I'd never forget. Happy now?” His voice was tight and angry, and it chased the humor right out of the situation.

  “Well … not really. That kinda makes me feel pretty shit, Warden. I thought we cleared the air—so to speak—last night.” I pouted down into my coffee with my very best sad puppy face and heard Warden's exasperated sigh.

  “Yeah, I know. Sorry Ari-Vampari … it's gonna take me more than one hate-fuck to get over the last ten years of anger.” From the edges of my vision I could see him drop the towel and approach me. Once he was within kissing distance, and I had a solid eyeful of his junk, he tipped my face up to his with a finger under my chin.

  “Can we call a truce, for now?” he asked, looking unbelievably sexy with his wet faux-hawk flat over his forehead and a days worth of stubble on his chin. “At least until we save Dusty from drowning in CUM?”

  The softness I had been feeling towards him froze over like a block of ice and I jerked my chin out of his grip.

  “Right. Dusty. How could I forget the real reason why you're here in the first place?” Yes, I was throwing a bit of a wobbly, like a damn two year old, but I had literally just let my first love back into my vagina and my heart, and here he was just shitting all over the place and then throwing it. Like a damn monkey. I hated monkeys.

  “Good Morning, sunshines!” Siobhan sang as she swept into my kitchen looking like a damn playboy bunny in a gauze nightgown trimmed with pink fur and matching slippers. She clearly wore nothing underneath either, because her bits were on display for every man and his dog to see. “What did I miss?”

  Warden huffed a sigh.

  “Ari is about to go off on me about how I'm only here to save Dusty and then make up some lies about how I didn't just shatter her fucking world with all those orgasms last night.”

  “Ex-fucking-cuse me?” I spluttered in indignation. “First of all, if I want to chuck a hissy fit about you only being here for this mysterious Dusty then I damn well will. Because you are. And despite the fact that I am clearly still in love with you, and the other guys all miss the fuck out of you, you still don't give a flying fuck! And as for this claim that you shattered my world, you must be bloody barmy. I faked my orgasms.”

  Folding my arms over my chest I gave him a yeah, I went there look, and he glared back at me in anger.

  “G'morning, y'all,” Shane greeted us as he, too, entered the kitchen. “Oh, hey Warden. Um. Nice dick?”

  “Shh, shit was just getting good,” Britt hushed him, flapping her hand and turning back to us with eager eyes. “Go on. Ari, you were just telling Warden how you love him and then that you faked your orgasms. Damn, this shit is better than Springer. Hooker, chuck me some popcorn from the cupboard would ya?”

  “Escort not hooker,” Siobhan snarled, and threw a piece of bread at Britt's face, “and get your own damn popcorn. I'm going to shower while there's still hot water left.” She turned on her fluffy slippered heel and flounced out of the kitchen, leaving the door swinging in her wake.

  “She is aware we're all elementals, right?” Reg asked, cocking his head and staring after her curiously. “As if we would ever let the hot water run out.”

  “Oh great, this cunt is still here, then?” Billy sneered, entering the kitchen from the outside door and looking sinful in his leather biker jacket and jeans. No shirt either, now that I looked closer. Hot damn, he was seriously smoking.

  “What's going on between you two?” I asked, letting curiosity get the better of me and shelving my argument with Warden for the time being. “There's something … more going on between you two.”

  “Yeah, I hear that, girl!” Britt nodded and held up her hand for a high five, which I obliged on.

  “Nothing,” Billy and Warden both snarled at the same time.

  “Oh my god, you two are still playing this game?” Shane groaned, heading over to my fridge and helping himself to my stash of Starbucks Mocha Frappuccinos.

  “What game?” I prompted, when no one spoke for a moment and Shane quirked an eyebrow to Reg.

  “Billy and Warden fucked,” Reg snickered and both men in question threw up their hands and stormed out of the kitchen.

  “So, are we heading out to save Dusty from the dastardly devil men and women today?” George asked, moving into the kitchen with—you guessed it—no shirt on.

  “We sure are. Everybody go get dressed and we can leave in ten, y'all hear?” Shane nodded, sculling a whole bottle of Starbucks Frapp right before my very eyes. The mooch.

  “Wait, hold up! Is no one going to elaborate on the whole Warden and Billy fucked thing?” I demanded, seeing them all making as if to leave the kitchen.

  “Yeah, I'm with my homegirl on this one. I wanna hear the story because those two are straighter than erect dicks. Erect dicks which are nowhere near each other, they're that straight. I mean … you three slide around that scale a bit but those two? Uh ah. Straighter than a YA sweet romance novel. Straighter than a poorly written Amish romance. Straighter than—”

  “Okay, Britt, we get it.” I cut her off before she could get too carried away and she just shrugged.

  “All I'm saying is, I wanna hear that story. Dude on dude sex is fucking hawt. You're so lucky, Ari.” Britt sighed wistfully, then whipped out her phone and tapped a message.

  “You're asking Aldrich if he'll bang a dude aren't you?” I rolled my eyes. My bestie was so damn predictable.

  “Come on, honey beaver,” Shane drawled, “we don't have time for stories. You have a sixth husband to save from the clutches of evil, slutty demons.”

  “He's right, ST,” Reg grinned, “
besides, I have no doubt you can work your charms and get the story out of them sooner or later.” He slapped me on the ass and followed Shane out of the kitchen, leaving me with just Britt and George, both of whom were now drinking my goddamn Starbucks Mocha Frapps. Those motherfuckers.

  “Is it bad that I'm now seriously craving a Golden Gaytime?” I asked them, but they both looked at me like I was on Planet Crazy-pants.

  “God, you're so British,” Britt mumbled, and I narrowed my eyes.

  “Golden Gaytime is Australian ice cream,” I said, but she was clearly no longer listening so I just sighed and left to go get dressed for the day.

  At least I didn't have to wear bondage wear this time, right?

  The location that Siobhan directed us to was a stately looking manor house in the middle of bum-fuck-nowhere, surrounded by meticulously maintained parklands and even a lake with swans in it. As the seven of us—Britt had been told she wasn't allowed to come because of some wolf pack political crap—pulled up in the dented plumbing van, I gave Siobhan a look that demanded answers.

  “What? Sex work pays, like, really well.” She shrugged. “Anyway, couple of things I should probably have warned you about before we got here. If CUM is holding Dusty, it's as bait to get to you Ari, because y'all are like the strongest thing since sliced bread—”

  “The saying is the strongest thing since wet trout,” Warden scoffed, and I blinked at him a couple of times before shaking my head.

  “—so be careful. And also, there are no clothes—save some tasteful pieces of lingerie—permitted inside Chaos Manor. CUM gets all sticky over it. It's so stupid.” She shrugged and batted her lashes at me … while already in the process of removing her own clothing.

  Great.

  And I'd been excited that I didn't have to wear bondage shit? I was already starting to miss it. Fuck.

  “Okay …” I peered up at the impressive house through the van window. “So this is …”

  “The Face … full of CUM?” she supplied, and Reg snorted. “Yes, this is the Face. Over on the West Coast, they have the Neck. I never could work out why they named the headquarters after body parts.”

  “So if they took Dustin to try and lure me here, aren't we just walking into one giant CUM web?” I rubbed at my temples to try and hold off a headache. I hadn't had any alcohol all damn day, and people just kept throwing these curveballs at me like the CUM shots and Golden Gaytimes.

  “Ah, yes. But. That's exactly what they're not expecting, see?” She beamed. “Only a few of the chaos have actually seen what you look like, and they're rarely on the floor at these parties.”

  “Probably because they're too busy in the bedrooms …” Reg mumbled, but Siobhan ignored him and continued talking.

  “We can easily slip in undetected and at least work out if they're holding Dusty, right?”

  “This is a party?” Shane asked skeptically, looking at the house through my window, too.

  “Uh-huh. It's only the biggest CUM party of the year for the chaos community. It's why I think they'll be holding Dusty here.” Siobhan nodded frantically, like an epileptic kangaroo.

  “What sort of party?” Billy scowled and she frowned at him like he was the dumbest thing alive.

  “Uh, a sex party, obviously. It's the biggest orgy on the East Coast. Now, let me spritz you with this.” She whipped a spray bottle out of her purse and started squirting it at us. The pungent smell of roses and sex filled the air and I coughed.

  “What the fuck, babe?” I asked, with a strangled voice. “That smells awful.”

  “It's a spell, dummy. To mask your elemental-ness and make you seem human. Now, strip down and put on these!” She grinned broadly and held up a handful of black fabric masks.

  “This seems a little … um, unorthodox?” I hedged. “Why are you carrying around a spell and a bunch of masks in your purse anyway?”

  “Unorthodox?” Siobhan asked, and now I finally understood why she'd taken the time to put her hair up in an elaborate do, with feathers and a beaded comb and shit. It was the only part of her that'd be decorated. The giant pearl necklace was a startlingly appropriate choice as well. “I attended my first chaos party when I was sixteen; I'm always prepared for these things. Anyway, I bought this”—she wiggled the little bottle in my direction—“from Anita when we were at the Wicca shop.”

  “Am I supposed to be impressed or disgusted by that?” I asked, noticing the hordes of naked people making their way toward the front door from the parking lot. Most of them were proudly sporting their wings, safe out here in the middle of fucking nowhere.

  I felt my skin pebble with nervous goose bumps.

  “I'm not taking my bloody clothes off,” I said, crossing my arms under my tits and noticing that Reg was already fully nude. “And if we needed to go in butt ass naked, why didn't you say something before we left the house. I didn't do my hair or makeup …”

  “Because if I'd told you before we left, you wouldn't have come,” Siobhan said, pulling her dress over her head and flashing a pretty ritzy looking corset, thong, and thigh-highs. “Like I said, lingerie is okay. Here.” She pulled a duffel bag over and tapped the side, flashing a wide grin at me. “Take your pick. I'll wait outside while you change.”

  Siobhan climbed out, the movement showing off the lithe perfection of her figure.

  If this Dustin had seen all that … why the hell would he be interested in me? I mean, I did I even want him interested in me? I had no idea. I thought the four husbands were a pain in the ass, and then there was Warden … and now this guy?

  I unzipped the duffel and reached in, grabbing the first item I came across.

  “Take a look at these budgie smugglers,” I said, lifting up the beaded pair of men's undies and tossing them at Reg. “These seem like your style.”

  “Thanks, but no thanks, ST. I'm going au naturel,” the water elemental said, rewarding me with a big, stupid grin and a wink. Guess there was at least one person in that van who wasn't concerned with the dress code.

  “No,” I told him, feeling a small flicker of jealousy. I mean, this was a sex party for fuck's sake. That meant everyone here would be scoping out the crowd, hitting on potential partners, engaging in bukkake right there in the foyer. “Put the panties on. As annoying as I find you, I …”

  I licked my lips and pretended to be thoroughly engrossed with the contents of the bag. Siobhan had packed exactly six pairs of beaded male panties in different colors. Clearly they were packed with intention because they came in matched elemental colors: blue, green, red, white, yellow … and silver.

  “I, what?” Billy said from behind me, pretending like he didn't see Warden move from the back seat to the center row with us. “Please tell me you weren't about to tell Reg you loved him again.”

  I turned and shoved the beaded red cock hammock into Billy's hands, ignoring him as I passed out the remaining pairs and tried not to be curious about the man who was supposed to wear the sixth.

  “I was just going to say that your cocks are mine—at least for now because you know, you've put me through enough shit—and I don't want to share them. There, I said it. I'm a hypocrite.”

  I found a piece of string that I think was supposed to be a thong and glared at it with narrowed eyes. I didn't exactly have Siobhan's wispy, rail thin body or Britt's curves for days. The idea of walking around in a piece of string with some bejeweled booby tassels didn't exactly appeal to me.

  “You're even hotter now than you were in college,” Warden whispered and I swear, I heard both Shane and Billy grumble under their breath with displeasure. One of the two men was pissed off and the other … hurting. I would get to the bottom of this thing sooner or later, damn it.

  “Can you not flaunt the fact that you guys fucked last night and didn't manage to get anything productive done?” Billy snapped, yanking his t-shirt over his head as I tried not to focus on George's naked bronze chest or the fabulous Adonis belt of muscles at his waist. He'd just slipped
into the green undies and damn that man had an ass you could bounce a quarter off. “You were supposed to mark her. Instead, what, you two are getting back together?”

  “Wasn't aware that was a damn option,” Shane growled from the front seat, climbing out at the same time Billy scoffed and squeezed between the captain's chairs in the front so he could get out the same way.

  “Don't let them get to you, Blossom,” George said, reaching out and rubbing his thumb along the curve of my lower lip. “They can both be hot-headed idiots sometimes.” His cool, earthy scent washed over me and made me shiver in pleasure. Somehow, things felt easier with George around.

  Even things as … uh, fucked up as walking into a sex party with beaded titty tassels.

  Although, you know, I still wasn't exactly thrilled about that.

  “Yeah, Sugar Tits, buck up. How can bad can it be?”

  Reg tossed me a wink before climbing out of the van and leaving me alone with George and Warden. I couldn't bear to look at Max … fuck, fuck, fuck Warden's naked body in such close quarters, so I turned away and slipped into my barely there outfit.

  “Here,” George said, sliding his fingers along my shoulders and reaching around to cup my right breast from behind. “Let me help.” He took the booby tassel from me since, you know, I'd never worn any before in my life … okay, so maybe I'd worn them like two or three or eight times … and helped my struggling self put them on properly.

  The movement of his hands and fingers on my breasts … anything but chaste. And when I glanced over and caught Warden watching, his pupils dilated, his budgie smugglers … ah, inflated, I almost turned on the two of them and had a threesome right there in the boys' plumbing van.

  “You three are slower than molasses in winter. Get your asses out here and let's hop to it,” Shane said, sliding open the door again and giving us all a narrow-eyed glare. He saved most of his ire for Warden.

  Glancing at the pile of masks on the seat, I shrugged and decided against them; several of the boys were already halfway across the lot already anyway.

  I followed the energy elemental out and tried to decide if I was more weirded out by the fact that after almost a decade, Warden was back in my life or the fact that my tits made jingling sounds as I walked toward an entire mansion filled with sex demons who'd kidnapped my soul mate aka a stranger I'd never met that'd seen my friend's pussy.