Fartsunami

by M. D. Payne

  We all rushed back up to the resort. It was completely deserted. There was no steel drum music in the open-air theater. There was no zombie floating in the Jacuzzi.

  “This is creepy,” Ben said.

  “If it wasn’t for all of the screaming,” Shane said, “I’d say that this place was abandoned.”

  We followed the screaming back to the infirmary.

  “Oh man,” Gordon said. “Look at that line.”

  A massive line had formed outside of the infirmary. It was filled with Nurses who each had a grip on a possessed old monster, waiting to get inside.

  We ducked into the infirmary to see the Nurses and witches frantically running around, administering the herbal remedy to monsters that thrashed wildly. A few looked like they had farted successfully, and were calmly being checked out by Nurses. The others looked as if they were deep in the grip of membranium madness.

  “Fart! Just fart as fast as you can!” yelled the swamp creature.

  “Vhat do you mean?” croaked one weak-looking vampire. “I can’t just faaaaaAAAARRGHHH!”

  He writhed on his bed, went stiff as a board, and then farted.

  “That’s not the kind of fart we were hoping for,” said Shane.

  The vampire broke from his restraints, and grabbed the bag of herbs that was in the hand of the Nurse.

  “These taste terrible!” yelled the vampire. “Let us eat in peace!”

  He threw the bag of herbs in the fire that was built in the back of the infirmary to boil the cauldron. It burst into a purple flame.

  The Nurse went to grab the vampire, but he jumped to the left and cackled wildly.

  “We’ll drain this one with one big slurp,” the vampire yelled, and threw is head back. “Yummmmmmm…”

  As the YUM went on, the vampire wrinkled up in front of our eyes. We could hear him being dried up and eaten, but there was nothing we could do.

  “Disgusting!” said Gordon. “He looks mummified.”

  The skin crawled off the vampire, and he was left gasping for air. He let out one last death rattle and fell into the arms of the Nurse. The skin shot out of the room.

  As the Nurse dragged him to the back of the infirmary, Shane said, “He’s not the only one. Just look!”

  The Nurse gently laid the vampire on top of a pile of poor, mummified monsters.

  Director Z walked over to us.

  “This isn’t the safest place to be at the moment,” he said. “Things are getting dire. We’ve cured a few thanks to the herbs, but it’s been very hard to get the monsters to fart in time. And we can’t keep this up forever.”

  “Well, no worries,” Shane said, “because we’ve got an idea that’s going to solve all of this.”

  “Let’s go to my office, where it’s safer,” the Director said.

  With the doors to Director Z’s office closed, the screams of the monsters were almost drowned out.

  Almost.

  “What do you think, gentlemen?” said Director Z. “How are you going to save the day this time?”

  “Zombie herring,” said Ben. “We need you to get one of the girls who was with us on our school trip. How quickly can we make that happen?”

  “I can call Ms. Veracruz straight away,” said Director Z. “But, what do we need this girl for?”

  “She has a device that can be used to call a school of herring,” said Ben. “Did you know that herring fart—constantly, in fact? It’s their way of communicating. We’ll call a school, zombify them, and then use them to distract all of the membranium skin that’s not already feasting on the monsters.”

  “And then what?” asked Director Z.

  “And then,” said Shane, “when the skinless membranium’s organs are all squishy and juicy hanging out in the ocean, the school of herring will swarm…and feast!”

  “Excellent!” said Director Z. “A wonderful idea!”

  He picked up the phone, but frowned once it was up to his ear.

  “The line is dead,” he said.

  He got up from behind his desk.

  “I must find out who has cut the phone line, and see if it can be repaired,” he said.

  He stormed toward the door, which was thrown open in his face.

  Griselda stood in the door with a crazy look in her eye, holding several long cords in her hand.

  “Looking for something, Zachary dear?” she cackled.

  “Griselda!” Director Z gasped.

  “I’m afraid your dear Griselda is no longer here,” said the twisted figure in the door. “And I’m afraid that you will not be getting off of this island! Welcome to your doom!”

  A huge explosion rattled the resort.

  “That sounds like the boat depot!” said Director Z.

  In response, Griselda cackled and ran back into the resort.

  “This has certainly changed things,” said Director Z. “We’ve just lost our chief witch and herbalist at a time when we’re already running out of herbal remedy, the phone lines have been cut, and we now have no boats to get off of the island.”

  Calling All Farters! Calling All Farters!

  “Well, now,” said Director Z, “we have to think of another plan—we can’t summon your friend.”

  “What about Gil?” I asked. “Can he call the herring?”

  “I don’t think Gil is actually communicating when he farts,” said Director Z. “I think he is simply…farting.”

  “All right,” Ben said. “Stick me back in my sea worm. I want to go home.”

  “Wait!” said Gordon. “Maybe Ben’s onto something. Let’s just send a sea worm to get Nabila!”

  “I’m afraid we can’t do that,” said Director Z. “The only woman who knows how to create the correct smellgood and hibernation spells is under the control of the membranium.”

  “But Nabila doesn’t have a sense of smell,” said Ben. “Would she be able to make the trip then?”

  “Hmmm…,” said Director Z. “The trip will be long for her. She’ll be confused and disoriented. However, the chances of her perishing inside of the worm are very slim.”

  “Let’s do it, then!” I said.

  “Does the intercom still work?” Director Z asked himself. He walked over to the door, and pressed a button on the box there. “Calling Nurse Kook.”

  There was a short pause.

  “Yes, Boss?” Nurse Kook said over the intercom.

  “Oh, good, the intercom still works!” said Director Z. “Please send the swiftest sea worm over to my office, immediately.”

  “Your office?” asked Nurse Kook.

  “Immediately,” replied Director Z.

  There was another pause. We listened to the crackle of the intercom and screams in the distance.

  “Okay, Boss,” said Nurse Kook. “Sea worm’s on its way to you.”

  “How are things at the aquarium?” asked Director Z. “Have you had any problems guarding it?”

  “So far, so good, Boss,” said Nurse Kook. “Everyone seems to be fine here.”

  “Excellent!” said Director Z. “It looks like the membranium either can’t get through the filtration system of the tanks, or are unaware of the aquatic residents. Thank you, Nurse Kook.”

  Director Z returned to his desk. Just as he sat down, there was a crash, and a sea worm head burst through the window.

  “Oh, man!” said Gordon. “Not that smell again!”

  “Ah,” said Director Z to the sea worm. “Thank you for being so quick. We need you to head back to Cape Canaveral, as swiftly as you can.”

  The sea worm nodded its slimy head. Director Z turned to us.

  “Whom does the sea worm seek?” he asked.

  “Her name is Nabila,” said Ben. “She’s small with dark, beautiful eyes and—”

  “Actually,” I said, “she’s really easy to find. She has the thickest glasses and the shiniest braces you’ve ever seen.”

  “You forgot the fanny pack,” added Shane. “It’s hot pink.”

  “Seek th
e bespectacled but beautiful bearer of the fluorescent fanny pack,” boomed Director Z. “Be discreet. But most of all, be swift. And drop this message off with Ms. Veracruz. You will know her by her hairnet.”

  Director Z scribbled on a piece of paper and held it up. The sea worm slurped it up, leaving a bit of slime on his hand.

  “What are you telling her?” asked Shane.

  “To prepare more memory-erasing serum,” Director Z replied.

  The sea worm backed out of the window. When his head had fully cleared, the frame fell into the office with a CLUNK, and the stinky, cool air was replaced with fresh, warm air.

  Director Z stuck his head out of the window, and called to the exiting sea worm.

  “NEXT TIME, PLEASE USE THE DOOR!”

  As the sun rose on Paradise Island, the situation had gone from bad to insane. We had gone over every detail of our plan twenty times, and all we needed now was for Nabila to arrive. We waited on the beach for her sea worm to come in. Ben, more nervous than usual, paced across the sand.

  From behind us, the sound of broken glass filled the air. We turned our heads to see a monster sailing from the top floor of the resort.

  “It looks like the membranium have figured out how to get into the rooms,” I said.

  “At least the skin will protect him from the fall,” added Shane. “That’s one positive thing.”

  “Why are we just sitting here waiting!?” groaned Gordon. “I could be up there shoving herbs into monster mouths!”

  He kicked a mound of sand.

  “There aren’t many herbs left,” said Shane. “It’s safest for us down here at the beach, and we need to be here when Nabila arrives, or she’s going to be crazy confused.”

  “Gordon’s right, though,” I said. “We shouldn’t all be down here. It’s insane up at the resort! Sure, we saved a dozen monsters, but most of them are so weak they can’t even help with the superpowered skin on. The dead monster pile was pretty deep when we left.”

  “Director Z is in control for now,” said Ben. “We just have to hope he stays in control. Once the herbs run out, the membranium will drain the monsters fast!”

  More membranium skin shimmied up the shore.

  “Hurrrryyyyy!” I yelled out into the ocean.

  As if in response, the sea worm crashed out of the ocean, and crawled up to the beach.

  WHAAARRRFFF!

  It barfed up Nabila, and then backed down into the water. We ran up to her with the towels we had brought, and surrounded her.

  “Oh, man!” said Ben, waving a hand around in front of his face. “I can’t imagine how bad that would have smelled.”

  She was curled up in a pile of goo, and we bent down to clean her off. Shane reached to roll her over onto her back, and she sprang up in one fast jump.

  “Aaaarrrrgh!” she yelled, and whipped something out of her fanny pack.

  There was a crackle and Shane jumped back.

  “It’s a Taser!” Gordon yelled, and rushed at her.

  “WAAAAAIT!” I yelled.

  Everybody stopped.

  “What. Is. Going. ON?” Nabila asked. She gripped the Taser, which was still crackling loudly.

  “Nabila,” I said. “We need your help with the…”

  I hesitated, but then continued. “With the old monsters from Raven Hill. They’re here on vacation.”

  She looked confused for a few seconds, and then she put the Taser back into her fanny pack.

  “Oh, wow,” she said. “This is AMAZING!”

  She looked down at her clothes, which were still covered in sand and sea worm gunk.

  “Was that a giant sea worm?” she asked. “It was so tight in there, I passed out after a few hours.”

  “We didn’t mean to startle you,” said Ben. “But it was the only way we could get you here quickly. Luckily for you, you can’t smell. Those things smell terrible.”

  “Wait,” she said, looking confused again, “how do you know I don’t have a sense of smell? How do you even know my name? I was going to introduce myself on the science trip, but you guys didn’t join us.”

  “Well, it’s a long story and we don’t have much time,” I said, “but the short story is that you DID meet us on the trip to Cape Canaveral. Then, on the first night, we got taken away in sea worms to here: Paradise Island. You, and all the other students were given a memory-erasing serum to forget us.”

  “I thought breakfast that first morning tasted unusual,” she said.

  “What we really need to know,” said Ben, “is if you have that fish-calling device in your fanny pack. We need your help to attract a group of farting herring, zombify them, and use them to lure the skin off a disgusting hive of sea creatures called the membranium.”

  “Wow, this is unbelievable. Yes, I’ve got it!” she said. “I’ve never tested the farting herring setting, but many of the others function well.”

  “Great,” I said. “We have to work quickly—we don’t have that much more time. Let me introduce you to—”

  “Director Z?” she asked.

  “Yep,” said Shane. “It doesn’t look like you forgot anything you heard us say at lunch!”

  “We’ll fill you in on the way up to Director Z’s office,” I said.

  As we headed up the trail, the screams got louder and louder.

  We stood in front of the door to Director Z’s office.

  “And that’s why we need the farting herring,” Ben finished explaining, with a smile.

  “And why they need to be zombified,” she said, and she smiled back. “Got it. I’m ready.”

  They stared into each other’s eyes, grinning ear to ear.

  “Great,” I said, and shook her hand to break up the staring contest. “Welcome to the club. I’m really sorry about before.”

  “Before?” she asked.

  “Never mind,” Gordon said.

  Gordon lifted his clenched fist to the door, about to knock, when…

  WHOOOSH!

  It swung open. A crazy-looking Director Z nearly knocked us over as he breezed past.

  “Hey,” I yelled. “Hold on a minute!”

  He turned awkwardly in the hallway—first his head, and then his body.

  He looked at us with a crooked grin for a moment, and then finally said, “Oh! Gentlemen! Just who I was looking for.”

  He clapped his hands together and shuffled us into the office. He closed the door behind him.

  “Please, gentlemen,” he said. “Have a seat. And who is your new friend?”

  He sat down and put his feet up on his desk.

  “This is—” Gordon started, but I cut him off.

  “New? Nabila’s been with us from the start,” I said.

  “Oh,” Director Z’s eyes searched the room, looking confused, but that same crooked grin stayed on his face. “Of course! Nabila. I’m so sorry, I’ve been quite busy fighting the membranium.”

  “Wait,” she started to say, “I just—”

  “—have been having a great time in the tropics?” asked Shane. “Us, too. In fact, let’s hit the beach!”

  Shane got up, and everyone followed. Everyone but Nabila.

  “What is going on here?” Nabila asked. “I thought I had just figured everything out…”

  Nabila was so confused, her eyebrows formed a V.

  “Yes,” said Director Z, “I would like to know the very same thing. What is going on here? I seem to remember us talking about a plan? Chris, you are my number one. Always by my side. I’m sure you remember us talking about it.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “We’re still planning to hike through the jungle tomorrow. Five a.m. Don’t be late.”

  “Come on, Nabila,” said Ben, and then in a whisper, “Please!”

  She looked at him strangely, but got up.

  We all headed to the door.

  “WAIT,” boomed Director Z. “ALL OF YOU WAIT.”

  RUN!!!

  We turned around. Director Z was no longer smiling. His body
was bent over slightly, and his face was red with anger.

  “We’re through being nice,” he hissed.

  “Leave these monsters alone!” I yelled.

  “You might as well tell a lion to stop eating a gazelle,” Evil Z growled. “We must feast. And feast we will.”

  “But why the monsters?” I asked as we backed toward the door. “Why now?”

  “It is their will,” Evil Z replied. “We must collect all the juice. And in return, we shall rule all the seas of the Earth.”

  “Not if we can help it,” I said, and turned the doorknob.

  It wouldn’t budge.

  “Looking for this?” Evil Z hissed, and held up a key.

  “What is he doing?” screamed Nabila.

  “The membranium have taken him over,” Ben replied.

  “Indeed we have,” said Evil Z. “And if you tell me what I want to know, I just may spare you scrawny children. WHAT IS THE PLAN?”

  “Plan?” Shane scoffed. “Plan!? Director Z has just spent the last day saying how you guys are completely invincible.”

  “Nice try,” said Evil Z, “but we have tapped his mind, and know there is a plan to stop us. We just don’t know what that plan is. But you’re going to tell us.”

  “All right, you win,” said Shane. “I’ll tell you everything you want to know.”

  “Dude!” protested Gordon.

  Shane walked over toward the desk, and stood between the leather couch and the broken fish tank.

  “Where should we start?” asked Shane.

  Evil Z came out from behind his desk, and stood between Shane and the fish tank.

  “Very good, very good,” said Evil Z. “We are very, very pleased that you’ve decided to tell us the plan. We will crush those lumbering Nurses!”

  “Get ready for the plan,” said Shane.

  He turned his head back to us, winked, and then turned back to Evil Z who was wringing his hands together.

  “I dunno what Shane’s doing,” I whispered to the others, “but we should get ready.”

  “The plan is simple, really,” said Shane. “I’m going to deliver a powerful roundhouse kick to your head, you’ll fall back into the fish tank and get snagged by the razor coral and broken glass, and then, rather than waste time looking for the key in your pocket and exiting from the front door, we’ll all jump out of the window.”