Fartsunami

by M. D. Payne

  “What?” screamed Evil Z. “How dare you sass us, you impudent little fool!”

  Evil Z rushed at Shane, who landed a roundhouse kick square in his jaw. Evil Z flew back onto the fish tank with a crunch.

  “Run!!!” I yelled, and we all rushed for the window.

  “Arrrrgggh!” Evil Z yelled.

  He tried to pull himself out of the fish tank, and though there was a loud RIP, his clothes stayed snagged by the coral that was secured inside.

  “NOOOOOOO!” he struggled.

  More tearing and screaming could be heard as we each jumped a few feet down onto the ground and ran for the aquarium.

  “Let’s hope that he stays stuck for long enough,” I said.

  We were out of breath when we hit the aquarium a few minutes later. Nurse Kook had sealed himself into the entrance. We ran up to the huge metal blockade and knocked as hard as we could. A few moments later, a door in the metal scraped to the side, and we were let in.

  “The Director has been taken over,” Gordon said to Nurse Kook. “We have to work quickly!”

  We rushed over to a pile of scuba gear, and Nurse Kook helped us put it on.

  We ran up to the top of an empty tank that was open to the ocean. Two old zombies waited for us there.

  “Are you guys ready?” I asked them.

  They each gave me a big thumbs-up, although one of them was missing a thumb.

  “All right,” I said. “Everyone take some of Griselda’s gas elixir. Be careful, this is all that’s left.”

  We each whipped out a vial that was in a small pouch on our wet suits.

  “Ach,” said Ben. “This tastes terrible! Are you sure it’s not barf elixir?”

  “Don’t fart it all out at once,” said Shane.

  “Nabila, you know what to do!” I said.

  “Got it!” she said.

  She switched on the little black device she held in her hand.

  PLIP, PLIP, PLIP, PLIP!

  “Those don’t sound like farts,” said Gordon. “Are you sure we shouldn’t use mine?”

  “I assure you,” said Nabila, “that this is the actual sound of herring farts. Underwater farts sound different, you know.”

  She lowered her device into the tank.

  FLURT, FLURT, FLURT, FLURT, FLURT!

  “Ah,” said Shane. “That’s more like it.”

  “Now we wait,” said Nabila.

  We waited, and waited, and waited. Five minutes went by and it felt like five years.

  “What if this doesn’t work?” whined Ben.

  “It has to work,” said Gordon, “we don’t have a Plan B.”

  “I really wish that Gil could speak Herring,” said Shane.

  “I’m starting to worry. I’m sure Evil Z has freed himself by now,” I said. “And this tank is wide open! What if the skin is attracted to the farting?”

  The water began to bubble and froth at the entrance of the tank.

  “The herring!” Nabila yelled.

  “YES!” I yelled.

  Nabila’s machine slowly drew the massive school of herring over to where we stood. The zombies shuffled over in preparation.

  When they reached the edge of the tank, the four of us threw a large net over the herring, and jumped into the water.

  As soon as we hit the water we could hear millions of tiny farts a second.

  FLURT, FLURT, FLURT, FLURT, FLURT.

  “Take it slow,” I said through the radio communicator, “we don’t want to spook them.”

  “The school is massive,” said Shane. “There must be a thousand fish in there!”

  “This is awesome!” Nabila said. “They’re actually wolf herring, so they have loads of teeth. Farewell, organs!”

  “All right,” I said. “Let’s pull the bottom of the net up so we can let the zombies in.”

  We got the net right where we wanted it, and I came up to the surface of the water to call the zombies…

  …only to find Evil Z standing in a badly-shredded suit at the edge of the tank!

  “Hello, children,” he growled.

  SWIM!!!

  “We are very, very disappointed in you,” said Evil Z. “But, in the end, your plan is of no consequence to us. You will be defeated, you weak little babies!!!”

  He walked to the wall at the back of the tank platform and hit a large red button. An alarm sounded, and red lights flashed.

  My friends surfaced around me.

  “What’s going on?” asked Ben.

  I pointed at Evil Z, who approached the water’s edge again.

  “We have let all the sea monsters loose,” cackled Evil Z. “If they don’t get you—we will!”

  He grabbed both zombies by the arm and turned to leave.

  “Wait!” I yelled. “Whatever you do, please don’t hurt them!”

  “Oh,” said Evil Z, “are these two juicy tidbits important to you? Then watch them DIE!”

  He tossed the two zombies into the water and stormed off the platform.

  “There’s plenty of food back at the facility,” he said, “and now WE’RE IN CONTROL. HA-HA-HA-HA! Let the feast begin!”

  Evil Z stormed through the door to the main hall of the aquarium and locked us inside.

  The zombies dog-paddled slowly toward me. The tank was soon filled with angry growls.

  “The sea monsters!” Gordon yelled.

  “Chris, get those zombies chompin’,” Shane said. “I think I can give you some time, but I don’t know how much, so HURRY!”

  Shane dipped under the water and swam off.

  “Wait!” I yelled, and ducked underwater to see where he was going. “Shane, what are you doing?”

  “The Kraken,” he said back. “I’ve got to get the Kraken—”

  With a burst of static, his transmission cut off.

  “Shane? Shane!?” I yelled into the communicator. “Argh! Guys—let’s do this! Hold the netting tight.”

  I swam over to the struggling zombies, grabbed each by the arm, and brought them over to the opening in the net the others had created.

  They leaned in and CHOMPED into a few herring.

  CHOMP, CHOMP, CHOMP!

  Soon, the zombie’s chomps were joined by smaller chomps.

  “The first zombie herring are starting to bite the others,” said Ben.

  “That’s good, guys,” I said to the zombies.

  They turned to slowly dog-paddle back to the platform. I swam ahead of them to get the vegetable brain.

  Suddenly, one of them splashed in the water.

  “Arrrrgggbbbbbwww!” he screamed into the water.

  “Oh, no,” said Ben. “A membranium!”

  “Let’s get these fish moving, now!” yelled Gordon.

  “We can’t yet!” I yelled. “We need the vegetable brain to lead them in the right direction.”

  I shot out of the water, and grabbed the platform edge.

  The zombie under attack knocked me back in the water before I could grab the vegetable brain. He splashed around so violently I was pinned between him and the wall.

  “He’s right on top of you,” yelled Ben. “Unless he farts, the membranium will grab you as soon as they have control. TELL HIM TO FART!”

  “OOF,” I grunted as a zombie arm smashed into my stomach.

  “I’m not taking any chances,” said Nabila.

  She broke away from her position at the net and swam toward me and the writhing zombie—backward!

  “What are you doing?” screamed Ben.

  “Trust me,” she said.

  She backed her backside right up against the writhing zombie and

  PLRFFFTTTTTTTT!

  He stopped writhing.

  “Get back!” yelled Gordon. “The membranium just squeezed him.”

  “Oh, no it didn’t,” she said.

  The zombie began swimming up to the platform, faster now. I quickly helped him up and then grabbed the vegetable brain. Nabila helped the second zombie up and we headed back to the net.<
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  “Did you just fart on him?” I asked.

  “Yes,” she said. “In fact, I did.”

  “Wait,” said Gordon. “That works?”

  Ben stared at his not-girlfriend in complete admiration.

  “Wow,” I said. “This girl is AWESOME!”

  “Thanks, guys,” said Nabila, “but let’s get going.”

  I headed to the front of the net and waved the vegetable brain in front of the herring. They slowly started to move forward.

  “Nabila and Gordon,” I said, “grab hold of the net just in case the zombie herring get any funny ideas. I want you to be able to put them back on the right course.”

  “Got it,” said Nabila.

  “Ben,” I continued, “keep an eye out for membranium and sea monsters.

  FURT, FLURT, FURT, PLURT, FUURT!

  The zombie herring happily farted their way into the deep, following the vegetable brain. They picked up speed, but when we passed over the coral reef, they got a little distracted by some of the tastier sea creatures.

  “Maybe they can smell fish brains?” Gordon wondered.

  We reached the lip of the trench down to the membranium hive.

  “Oh no,” said Ben. “We can’t get down there!”

  The dark figure of Moby Dick, the monstrous white whale, loomed at the edge of the trench. He was soon joined by dozens of slimy sea serpents. Razor sharp teeth shined in the water.

  We froze in place.

  “What do we do?” screamed Nabila. “Never mind; I don’t want to meet any more monsters! This is more than enough.”

  “Pull yourself together, Nabila!” I yelled.

  But I was just as frightened as Nabila. Even the zombie fish were stunned.

  With a great blast of snotty bubbles from Moby Dick, the sea monsters headed straight toward us.

  “Back up, back up!” I yelled.

  I swung around to the other side of the net, and waved the vegetable brain around like crazy.

  But it was too late.

  The sea monsters rose out of the trench, and surrounded us.

  FAAAAART!!!

  Great roars, squeals and moans sounded in the deep. Mouths filled with razor-sharp teeth snapped. A hydra moved closer, each head looking straight into each of our eyes. Moby Dick opened his mouth wide and…

  “Yahhoooooooo!”

  There was a scream and a huge dark figure swooped in from above us.

  “It’s the Kraken,” yelled Ben.

  “Look.” Nabila pointed.

  On top of the Kraken’s head, holding on like a crazed bull rider, was Shane.

  “Yeeeeeeehaw!” Shane yelled. “Catch us if you can!”

  The Kraken turned back the way it came, and the sea monsters sped in its direction.

  “Awesome!” said Ben. “Yeah, Shane!”

  “Ben!” yelled Nabila. “Look out!”

  One last sea serpent roared past us, smacking Ben in the head as it went. Ben was flung down onto the sea floor. With an OOF, his oxygen tanks crunched into the sharp coral.

  “Are you okay?” Nabila squealed.

  “I’m. S-so. D-dizzy,” stammered Ben.

  “That’s all right, beautiful one,” a voice shimmered in the deep.

  “We’ll take care of you,” said another, equally magical voice.

  “Whoa,” said Gordon. “Mermaids!”

  “Oh, I don’t think so,” said Nabila.

  She swam down to Ben and grabbed one of his arms just as another was grabbed by the mermaid.

  “I’ve got him,” said Nabila.

  “Oh, but my dear, we’re more than capable of taking care of him,” a mermaid purred.

  “I said I’ve got him,” growled Nabila.

  “It’s okay,” said Ben. “Let me go with the pretty mermaid.”

  “What?” gasped Nabila and let him go.

  “Oh, you’re such a cute little one,” said another mermaid. “We’re going to have so much fun.”

  The mermaids swam off with Ben.

  “He’s MY cute one,” yelled Nabila, and followed the exiting mermaids.

  “Nabila,” I yelled. “NABILA! We don’t have much time now. I’m sure Ben will be fine with the mermaids. But we need you. Gordon and I can’t do this alone.”

  Nabila turned around.

  “Fine,” she said. “Ben can take care of himself. I’m ready.”

  I moved the back over the trench with the vegetable brain. We had just picked up speed again when…

  “Chris,” Gordon yelled. “Look out! To your right!”

  I turned just in time to see the shimmer of skin as it quickly enveloped me from head to toe.

  “Arrrrgggh!” I yelled.

  It was surprisingly fast, and surprisingly strong. Every single inch of me was squeezed. Pain flashed like lightning in my eyes. My brain felt like it was being taken over, and words rushed into my head and made me dizzy.

  You are ours now! Submit! Open your mind to us!

  “Fart!” yelled Nabila, and I snapped out of it.

  I was in so much pain, I was barely able to do it, but I finally let out a BLLLLURP.

  “Whoa!” I yelled, catching my breath.

  “Faaaarrt!” yelled Gordon.

  “I just did!” I yelled back.

  “No, you didn’t,” Gordon said. “All you did was yell, ‘Cheesecake whoa!’”

  But I must have farted. I could still feel the skin on me, but it was no longer pressing me. In fact, it made me feel even stronger.

  “No, he farted,” said Nabila. “Now, let’s hurry up and get down there so we can get out of here.”

  I went over the side of the ridge into the darkness. The farting zombie herring followed.

  Two more skins shimmered past.

  “Look out!” I yelled, but soon Nabila and Gordon were thrashing and dealing with the insane pain.

  “Fart, fart, faaaart!” I yelled so hard that my ears hurt inside my scuba gear.

  BLLLLLAARRRP!

  “Easy-peasy lemon squeezy,” said Gordon, coughing.

  “Fart, Gordon!” I yelled. “Fart!”

  “He farted,” said Nabila.

  “No, he didn’t,” I said. “He just said—”

  “We can talk about it later,” said Gordon, pointing forward.

  We had arrived at the hive.

  “We need one last push to get these herring into the hive,” I said.

  “Got it,” they said.

  “This is it, guys!” I said.

  “Let’s do it!” said Gordon.

  I swam ahead with the vegetable brain, while Nabila and Gordon grabbed the top of the net, and the first of the zombie herring made their way out.

  “Build up some speed, guys,” I yelled.

  We all kicked as hard as we could.

  “All right,” I yelled. “I’m letting go of the vegetable brain in three…two…one…GO!”

  I flung the brain into the hive and swam back toward Nabila and Gordon. They slowly peeled the net off the school and headed back up toward the ridge. As I swam past the school, there was a shimmer of skin, and three zombie herring were suddenly wrapped around me.

  “AHHHH!” I shrieked.

  They chomped my body like crazy, and it sounded like they were farting directly into my ears.

  “Chris!” Gordon yelled, and he began to swim back toward me.

  “Wait,” I said. “The skin I have on is protecting me. Let’s get out of here.”

  I swam toward Gordon and away from the hive, which awoke with the appearance of the zombie herring.

  But soon I was being pulled backward! The zombie herring had created a layer of fart under the skin, and were no longer pressed against my body. They headed back to the school.

  “Chris!” yelled Nabila.

  “Forget it!” I yelled back. “Just go!”

  I turned around and saw the school follow the vegetable brain into the very center of the hive. The membranium came a little farther out of their sea pods,
hissing and growling in excitement at their tasty new visitors. Their moldy claws cracked, and they drooled a blue cloud out of the sides of their mouths. Their tongues lashed behind their razor-sharp shark teeth.

  This better work, I thought, or I’ll be membranium meat.

  Slowly, disgustingly, all of the membranium peeled off their skins like slimy T-shirts. The ocean was filled with a wet, tearing sound, as hundreds of nasty, green, scaly skins peeled off of ugly bodies, and turned clear as they headed for the fish.

  FURT, PLURT, FLART, PLIP, PLOP!

  The herring farted as the skin overtook them.

  “It’s working!” I yelled. “Go, guys, goooooo!”

  “All right, all right,” said Gordon, “but keep us updated with the communicator. We’re going to try to find Shane and the Kraken. Maybe they can help.”

  Entire walls of membranium were now exposed, their organs pulsating in the cold water, giving off heat waves.

  “The herring have noticed the organs,” I yelled.

  A few of the herring had broken off from the rest, and were chomping at the organs of the membranium. Soon they were thrashing, which got the others’ attentions.

  “It’s a feeding frenzy!” I said.

  My three zombie herring brought me up against the wall to join the feast, and I was pulled in all sorts of different directions, scraping up against the wall and squishing into sea pods.

  The sounds of scraping and squishing mixed with the bloodcurdling screams of the membranium as they were devoured.

  The water began to cloud with blood as organs were chewed up in seconds. Entire walls of the hideous beasts were taken down by the frantic fish, who were farting even faster and stronger now.

  “I’m getting pummeled by all of the fish,” I said. “They’re not hurting me, but I’m dizzy, and—”

  My helmet was knocked off the side of my head, with a large scrape, as we bounced off the wall and joined the rest of the school.

  “Chris,” Nabila said, “can you hear us? Chris?”

  I held my breath, struggling to put my helmet back on. Meanwhile, the three zombie herring trapped in our bubble started chewing into anything they could, still hungry after all of the tasty organs.

  “Chris?” asked Gordon.