Interim Goddess of Love

by Mina V. Esguerra

  As a mature adult (I was eighteen after all) I knew I had to be happy for my friend. This was a big leap for her, and from the looks of it, Neil was her type. But I had been looking forward to going to the Bash with her because I had turned down a couple of invites already, and if I went with Sol at least none of them would feel weird about seeing me there with some other guy.

  So how much weirder was showing up there as Sol and Neil's third wheel?

  "Are you mad at me?" Sol wailed. "I'm really sorry. I kind of forgot that you wanted us to go together…"

  The fact that poised and put-together Sol was at all wailing just showed how much she really was sorry, but I let myself wallow in self-pity for a few moments more. A mere three hours ago this junior from my history class just walked up to me and asked if I had a date to the Bash.

  I said no -- naturally -- not because of my plans with Sol, but because I didn't even know the guy. Plus as someone who hadn't really started dating anyone ever, my default answer was "no" anyway.

  "Didn't Robbie ask you?" Sol went into bargaining territory, misinterpreting what probably seemed like a really long silence. "Because I'm sure we can find him and arrange some kind of…"

  "Please, please don't." I hadn't even thought about how to deal with Robbie yet. "Look, don't apologize. I just… you know that I turned down three guys, right?"

  "Three guys asked you?"

  "Yeah, and I said no to all of them for you."

  "Who else asked you?"

  "Robbie. This guy who went to the Guidance Office once. And someone from history class."

  "That's kind of amazing. When did you become campus hottie?"

  "Don't change the subject."

  Sol went back into groveling mode. "I'm sorry! I really am. I just thought… I mean, I knew about Robbie but I thought that you'd eventually go with your basketball boy, you know?"

  "Quin and I aren't talking," I said. "Besides, he didn't ask me. And he's not my basketball boy."

  "Yes but how can I keep track, right? You two have been so tight lately. I didn't think you and I would actually go to our first Bash dateless, you know?"

  Just great. I didn't think of it that way. I mean, even if Quin and I weren't officially "dating" I always assumed that if we were there together we would hang out, but that wasn't going to happen while I was cold-warring him. I had to go to the stupid party, no getting out of it, and apparently I had to do it dateless.

  As a sign of my maturity, I bit my tongue and held back what I was actually thinking.

  "You're going to drive me there, right?" I said instead.

  "Yes. Yes. Of course!" Sol hugged me like I had given her permission to marry Neil. "Just don't be mad at me. Can't let the new campus goddess be mad at me."

  Chapter 20

  Personality Test Result for Vida Castillo:

  You are focused, efficient and organized. You are confident when dealing with people and tasks, which may invite conflict sometimes, but you are also usually unaffected by it. You are a quick and eager learner, dynamic in your actions and adaptive of change. In groups you may often find yourself naturally leading, or wanting to lead.

  She was at the driveway, standing almost on the same spot where I had been waiting for Kathy. It was a Thursday, and she was wearing a dress that had to be four inches shorter and heels two inches taller than the dress code prescribed. I liked her vest, though.

  "I'm walking you home," Vida announced, and it was as if I fell into step beside her.

  "Okay," I said, complying a little too easily.

  She smelled faintly of jasmine, and for a second I wondered what face cream she used to look so fresh and put-together even at the end of the school day. And then I realized that she was a goddess who would probably look gorgeous even if she had mud on her face.

  To get out of Ford River you'd have to walk down a private road that stretched out for probably two thirds of a kilometer. I did that every day and didn't even notice the time, but on this night every step with Vida I felt. She started speaking just as we turned the corner into the busier main road.

  "What you're doing is laughable," she said.

  "I'm just walking."

  "You know what I'm talking about. Playing around as if you know what it is we do."

  "Quin has been teaching me--"

  Vida laughed. "Even Joaquin can't teach you to be something you're not, and you are not one of us."

  She was right. Along with being slightly offended, I was actually relieved to hear her say it.

  "You do understand that I don't mean to hurt you, I was just stating a fact," Vida continued. "Joaquin shouldn't have chosen you for this. Nothing against you, personally, but I don't believe in plucking people out of their simple lives and giving them this kind of responsibility. There are others who are, let's say, better equipped to handle these things."

  "I kind of agree with you," I said. "Are you using your powers to make me agree with you?"

  "That is the question of an amateur," she said, all haughty.

  We walked in silence past the entrance to the technopark, and the small grocery store, and into the village where my aunt's house was. All throughout, as we passed Ford River students making their way to and from school, we were watched and noticed. Vida, I was sure, was aware of all of this but was putting up an award-winning performance of not caring. I was sure I looked like a homeless person next to her. Also, it suddenly seemed like I lived so very far from school. We were walking forever.

  I wasn't able to walk like this when I was in high school in Manila, by the way. My mother would never have allowed an early-evening walk in the crowded, noisy and often crazy city, much less with the most beautiful girl in school as my only companion. Maybe if I had a taser, or pepper spray, she'd let me. Or if I told her that I was walking with the goddess of the moon.

  "Quin picked me," I said as I stepped onto my aunt's driveway.

  Vida wasn't expecting that. "And?"

  "I understand that the two of you have this superlong rivalry, but he picked me. I've been listening to people tell me about love all my life, and now I can finally do something about it, and not just say 'It's going to be okay.' As long as I can help, I'll be involved."

  "He shouldn't have called you to do this. It's not his place."

  "I totally get why you want to talk to me," I said. "You and Quin can work out whatever issues you've got, and just give me the memo. But until I'm demoted to regular person again, I will keep doing what I'm supposed to do."

  Vida straightened up, making her even taller than I thought possible, and nodded. "That's fair."

  "It is?"

  "I talked to you because I want you to understand where I'm coming from, and what it is I intend to do."

  "Which is?"

  And then when Vida spoke, it was like the rest of the world blurred around her, and I had nothing to distract me from what she was saying.

  "I intend to prove, by any means necessary, that you should not be the goddess of love. That no human should be the goddess of love. You have insisted on keeping the title and there will be consequences for you. I don't think you actually know what it is you've accepted, but at least when the day comes, you will. And when the regret comes you will know that you have no one to blame for it but yourself."

  "I never blame other people for my problems," I said.

  "You've never had real problems before," Vida told me. Then she… well, she sort of grabbed my wrist, and the next thing I knew, there was a plain silver band around it. It glowed once, like moonlight, and then disappeared.

  "What just happened?" I said.

  "Nothing. Good night, Hannah. See you in school."

  Chapter 21

  So I was at my first cool school party and I was waiting for someone to tell me that this -- standing for over an hour in a room full of sweaty teenagers -- was fun. The Bash venue was a club called Basement in Alabang, which was across the tollway and within Metro Manila. Not that being in the city meant it was
classier, because it was located in a seedy part of Alabang (that was uncomfortably close to the posh part).

  I got there in Neil's car, as the unfortunate friend of his date. But even though that was awkward, crossing the toll gates actually felt comfortingly familiar. I grew up in a borderline seedy and posh part of town too, and I knew my way around that better than Ford River's open spaces. See, I was sheltered in some ways, but growing up in Manila was still somewhat gritty, no matter how sheltered you were.

  I didn't go to basement clubs, though. Never did that before.

  Sol and Neil had been lost to the crowd ages ago. I briefly saw someone I recognized, and I had to yell "Is it always like this?" in her ear so she could hear me over the music. But I overestimated my volume and ended up startling her, and she ended up spilling some of her light beer on my sandals.

  I didn't mind the beer on my shoes but as it seeped between my toes, I tried to remember why I was there.

  The plan was to make sure that Kathy and Jake see each other at the Bash and get their feelings for each other out in the open.

  The other plan was for me to show up at the Bash absolutely gorgeous. After much deliberation I settled on a short skirt and red top, all the better to get in Quin's face with. As soon as I put the outfit together and I looked at the mirror, I discovered that I no longer needed much work. Anger seemed to look good on me; it gave me a rosy glow. Not that anyone would have noticed in the dark, and Basement was dark. It was located on (obviously) the basement level of a commercial building that had seen better days. The other establishments were a laundry shop and a key duplication stand that had been out of business for a while. Next to this building was an actual all-night open-air market, and Ford River's students were double parking their fancy cars next to piles of catfish and baskets of bananas.

  It was a bit surreal. But that probably explained the smell inside the club -- cigarette smoke and fish.

  The beer on my toes bothered me and I considered going outside to deal with it, and as I turned who else was right there handing me a tissue. I grudgingly grabbed it. He followed me out to the parking lot/market.

  "I heard you lost the game," I told Quin. He was in jeans and a navy blue shirt I had never seen. I hated to admit it, but I looked like I was trying too hard, with my loud red top and show of skin.

  "The other team was better," he said, shrugging.

  "Why don't you just give Ford River a big win, just once? Give the school something they'll talk about for years."

  "Some things just need to happen on their own time."

  "You're unbelievable," I groaned, tossing the used tissue toward the nearest trash can and missing. "You can make everyone -- anyone -- here happy with a snap of a finger, and you choose to keep people miserable."

  Okay, that sounded a little too bitter. By "everyone," "anyone," and "people," I meant me.

  "I won't explain to you why I make these decisions," Quin said.

  I wished he weren't so stoic. It was him being all wise and old and all-knowing, which was as expected if you were talking to a god, but it made me feel so…

  "You're not inadequate," he said, and for the first time (since I had accepted the role of goddess) he reached for me, his hands taking my shoulders. I did a token squirming away, out of pride, but part of me couldn't believe he was that close to me again and that part kept me still.

  His eyes were caring and concerned. And I could swear, his voice was inside my head.

  Hannah, I see how everyone is connected. Not just now but as they were and will be. I wish I could show it to you so you'll understand why there are things I don't allow to happen, but you're not ready for it. I just wish you would trust me.

  I did trust him, deep down, that he had everyone's best interests at heart. I did believe him, that he would always look out for me and keep me safe. That wasn't the problem. That wasn't what I wanted to hear.

  "I'm never ready for you," I said, my plain old mortal voice cracking. "I'm starting to think I'll never be. Just get out of my head, please. I have work to do."

  Quin didn't try to stop me as I left.

  Chapter 22

  Kathy didn't particularly like Diego Simon, but when he invited her to the Bash, she said yes anyway. She figured, what the hey. It would be her first time there, and she'd be with one of the most popular guys in school.

  Maybe she would see Jake there. Probably with his girlfriend, the absolutely last person Kathy would have wanted to compete with, but looking from afar wasn't so bad. She'd been doing it for over a year now.

  What some people just couldn't understand, Kathy thought, was that it was better to take it easy. She wasn't even friends with Jake, had barely spoken to the guy. Fine -- if she showed up to the Bash expecting to meet her secret admirer, like it was a blind date, what would she even say to him if he really was Jake? Thanks for the mango tarts? How did he even know all of those things about her?

  No wait -- that would be the first thing she'd say then.

  This was the wrong thing to be thinking of on what was turning out to be her first sort-of date. Her parents seemed cool with the idea, when she mentioned it. (They were probably expecting this, the "first date," to happen earlier.) They didn't know though that her date was most popular for being a troublemaker, and she didn't volunteer the information.

  Diego said he would pick her up after the basketball game, and right then she worried that something about him would tip off her parents. She suggested that they just meet at Basement, which was close to where she lived anyway. He said that it wasn't safe for her to hang out anywhere near that place by herself, and if she didn't mind waiting he'd just pick her up after the game.

  He was assuming that she wasn't going to be watching the game. (Nobody watched the games.) At least he wasn't upset about it.

  When he picked her up, at nine o'clock like he said, he surprised her by being… well… clean. His hair was slicked back, and he introduced himself to her parents like a polite economics honors student. (But of course he cleaned up nicely. Was she expecting him to have blood on his shirt?)

  So Kathy felt a tad guilty about thinking about Jake, and being more excited to see him than the idea of her date with Diego.

  Jake didn't particularly like Vida Castillo. In fact, he had been making plans to go to the Bash alone. He sent Kathy that invitation and was hoping she would actually come to see who was giving her those gifts. But when Vida showed up at his house to pick him up, he kind of just let it happen. Most of his "relationship" with Vida was made up of these moments he had let happen, many of them he found difficult to explain whenever people asked if he was seeing her.

  He was, wasn't he? She even called him her boyfriend that one time. He had all these memories of her, and there were witnesses to prove every single one, but they were like scenes he remembered from a TV show. Vida never stopped him from doing things, but whenever she was around he felt… distracted.

  The haze in his head was there again, as he accompanied Vida to the Bash. As soon as he arrived he scanned the crowd, but he forgot who he was looking for. But the feeling was persistent, and it occurred to him again as soon as Vida stepped out to find a clean bathroom.

  Jake was looking for someone. Kathy? Right, Kathy. Why again?

  He sent her the photo and asked her to come tonight. What photo was it again?

  The ancestral home, the one he saw when he took a summer trip down south to Bacolod. He was playing around with a new camera, and took a heritage tour of the area's old houses.

  Why did he take a heritage tour again?

  Because it was on Kathy's five things. #3 -- "I collect photos of ancestral houses. One day I'd like to write a book about them." He was particularly proud of one of the photos and sent it to her as a gift, anonymously. With an invitation to be her date to the Bash. Why did he do that again?

  Because of #4 -- "I have never had a boyfriend."

  He felt that he should at least try.

  The posters said th
at the Bash would end at nine-thirty but that was obviously untrue, because the basketball players only started arriving at ten. Vida seemed to be taking a while. When he turned in the direction she'd gone, he saw her arguing with Quin Apolinario. Jake never really heard her raise her voice, much less lose it, but Vida looked angry.

  "Self-righteous bastard," she told the captain of the basketball varsity. "I can see right through you and I won't let you do this!"

  "You think you can do anything about it?" Quin retorted. "It's happening."

  Jake wondered briefly if he should come forward and defend his supposed girlfriend, but something else called out to him. Inside the crowded club, rising above the music and the normal noise, some cause for alarm: he heard the sounds of a scuffle, bottles breaking, girls shrieking, fists hitting skulls.

  Diego Simon was in the middle of a fight, an actual fight, and panic was rippling through the crowd.

  A hundred or so people started rushing for the exit, and suddenly something in Jake snapped. He wasn't part of the fishy-smelling panicky mob. Instead it was like he had awakened with a start, and he made his way against the tide with purpose.

  Toward the girl with orange shoes. He just knew where to find her. She was on the wrong side of the room when Diego started his caveman assault, and had managed to climb up onto the makeshift bar instead of join the stampede. It wasn't going to keep her safe for long, though, because the other guy's friends started joining the riot, and no chair or table was safe from being toppled over.

  Jake had to piece it together after, because he wasn't sure how it all happened. First was the mystery of how he saw her right away, despite the mob. Then the matter of how he was able to weave through that crowd (the worst of his injuries was a scratch near his elbow) and get to Kathy despite being arm's length from most of the punches being thrown. He was surprised how she didn't hesitate when she saw him, jumping right into his arms, landing with a little bounce with both feet on the floor.