by Ellie Aiden
Moving the blanket aside, Luke reaches down and scoops me up bridal style, and relocates me to the table and chairs. Getting a look of the spread before me, I’m even madder that I’m in a funk and probably won’t enjoy this. I see pork chops with gravy, hamburger patties, mashed potatoes, green beans, rolls, and for desert, what looks like peach cobbler. Okay, I might enjoy the cobbler.
Luke takes his seat across from me, but thinks better of it, scooting his chair around the side, close enough our knees touch. I’m glad, I could use his comfort of his closeness right now.
“I might have gone a little crazy. I wasn’t sure what you liked,” he says, scooping a heaping pile of potatoes onto my plate.
As upset as I am, the fact that he even cared if I ate, much less that he was worried what I would like, fills my heart to bursting and I just can’t take it. Tears fill my eyes and soak my cheeks within seconds, and before I can protest, Luke scoots my chair away from the table, picking me up, and depositing me in his lap. The act only makes me cry harder, and this sweet man just takes it, rubbing soothing circles on my back while whispering comforting words.
“Oh Little Minx, I know it’s a lot to take, but now that you know…well, now you can stop it from happening to you, and maybe your friend too.”
Through a sob, I manage to choke out, “It’s not that. I’m crying over the food. I mean yes, I’m upset about everything else, but now it’s about the food.” Sobbing again I bury my head in the crook of his neck, tucking my hands between the two of us, while gripping his shirt tightly.
“Oh Anna. I’m so sorry. I’ll get you something else,” he says.
“What?” I ask confused.
Why would he do that, I love the food?
“You don’t like the food; I’ll get you anything you want. Anything.”
Whipping my head back and gripping his shirt even tighter, I correct him. “Oh, you silly, silly boy.” A look of confusion sweeps across his features and I get it. Girls are confusing, emotional, basket cases. I probably should have explained from the get go, but hormones. “Luke, I love the food. I’m crying because I love the food. I love that you got me the food, I love that you cared if I would like it, and most of all, I love you. And I’m terrified, that when the hunting party gets back tomorrow, I’ll go back inside that Compound and never see you again.”
The water works are really flowing now, and I can’t control the embarrassing hiccups that follow. Luke no longer looks confused, now he looks well, to be honest, I don’t know what that look is. Oh crap, I just told a boy, I have only been around a few hours, that I love him. Just a few hours ago, I was using the little l-word, and now, I busted out the big guns. Love.
Before I know what’s happening, Luke rushes forward, eliminating every inch of space, his lips pressing to mine. It’s sweet, almost chaste at first, but then it turns much more heated. Every ounce of blood in my body rushes to my head first, and then to that space between my thighs. An ache I have never felt before consumes me, and I never want it to stop. I’ve never kissed anyone, never been kissed, and I imagine there will never be one better than this. I will never forget this moment.
All too soon Luke pulls away, brushing a lock of my hair behind one ear. I don’t know what happens now, but I don’t really care. I am never going to be able to live without this boy.
“I don’t want to stop, but we have too.” He doesn’t put me back in my chair. Instead, he spins me around in his lap to face the table, before pulling my plate in front of us.
That night I slept in Luke’s bed, in a brothel I might add, surrounded by his warmth. Tossing and turning, I’m plagued with thoughts of everything that I’ve learned, everything that I know is coming, and surprisingly, the fact that while I declared my undying love for this man, he failed to do so in return. Did I just make a horrible fool of myself? That kiss felt like love, or did I miss something.
***
When I wake the following morning, I’m alone in bed. Luke’s side, cold, as I stretch my hand across the sheet. It was a restless night for me, so to wake up and find him gone, really stings. I can’t imagine where he could be, and my mind is racing with whether or not he left-left, or if he, left for a legitimate reason and will be back.
To make matters worse, the Hunting party will be coming back today. Cody expected them to be coming back through Bonham sometime between five and six p.m. tonight. All I have to do is wait in the alley where I first hid, and watch for them. When they leave the wagon to pick up supplies, I’ll get back in the false bottom. Knowing what I know now, I wonder if they are stealing those supplies, and if there is anything I could do to stop them. Probably not, how could a teenage girl, possibly alone, stop anyone from doing anything. Not to mention, I need to get back into the Compound with them. I don’t want to go back at all, but I can’t leave my best friend there.
Getting up from the bed I decide to take a hot bath. Yesterday was rough, and I didn’t feel like taking one last night. The bath should also help me pass some time, while I wait. Although, I’m not sure if I’m waiting on Luke to come back, or time for me to leave. I pray it’s the former.
Filling the tub to the top, I slip in, letting the warm water wash away my stress. It doesn’t really work, but I lay there a little longer anyway. When my hands and feet start to shrivel, and Luke isn’t back yet, I know I might as well get out and dress. Standing in front of the mirror above the pedestal sink, I make a half-ass attempt at towel drying my hair, but I just don’t have the energy.
He’s not coming back. He left me.
That thought is my undoing and I fall to the floor, tears flowing, and curling into a fetal position. I don’t know how long I lay there, but the tears never stop. I don’t hear the click of the lock, or the door opening. I’m so consumed with my grief for a boy I don’t even think was mine, I don’t hear the footsteps. I don’t realize he’s there, until I hear his voice.
“Oh God! Anna!” He scoops me up like a baby, rushing me to the bed. Looking me over for injuries and seeing none, he asks, “What happened? What’s wrong? Tell me.”
He’s here; he didn’t leave me. Maybe he doesn’t love me, but we’re still friends. But then, where did he go?
I’m still crying, but its calmed down, and from the look on his face he might burn this whole place down if I don’t explain. “Where were you? You left me.” I hate being a needy bitch, but here we are.
His eyes widen in shock, while his hands frame my face. “I’m so sorry. So sorry. I had something to take care of, and I wanted you to get some sleep. I thought I would be back before you woke up. It…It just took a little longer than I thought. I’m sorry, please forgive me. I would never leave you Anna.”
I’d liked to tell you I played it cool. Sucked it up and said something like, whatever. But, that would be a lie. “Because we’re friends. You would never leave me because we are friends.”
The look on his face, says he doesn’t understand what I’m getting at, but I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want to put him on the spot, calling him out for not loving me in return. Mostly because I don’t think I could take him explaining it to me; why he isn’t in love with me. Why he only thinks of me as a friend. I’m just not sure why he kissed me last night, if that was the case. It seems kind of cruel. He’s probably had lots of woman, had a lot more than a single kiss, but I’ve only had the one. I’ve only had him.
“Anna I don’t understand. What changed?”
I’m not trying to pick a fight with him. Okay, I guess I am, a little. “You tell me Luke.” It isn’t said with malice. Its merely a soft whisper.
“Nothing has changed for me, Little Minx.” And then he tries to kiss me, but I pull away, walking a few paces across the room before his lips can touch mine. This is not, I repeat, is not going to be a friends with benefits situation.
“Anna, please talk to me.”
“Fine, you want me to talk, I’ll talk. Yesterday, you said I was your object. That we were destined for
one another. Then, last night, I opened my heart to you. I told you I love you. That’s not just something I say to people Luke, I meant that. You kissed me like I was the air you needed to breathe.” I pause to collect myself, because damn this has been an exhausting and emotional few days.
Before I can finish, Luke speaks. “All of that’s true Anna, so what’s changed?”
It’s hard to say out loud, I feel dumb for feeling this way. My next words are such a soft whisper, I’m not even sure he can hear them. “You…you didn’t say it back Luke, and then you left me, and I thought you weren’t coming back.” And I’m crying again. I’m usually not such a freaking baby. This man may have ruined me.
Luke is up and across the room before I can say another word, hands framing my face once more. The look in his eyes, looks like love, but it feels like regret.
“Oh, Little Minx. Forgive me.” I think he’s almost crying, and I can’t understand why. Perhaps he only feels bad for hurting my feelings, and now he just feels sorry for me.
“I didn’t, I couldn’t.” Shaking his head, it’s like he’s trying to collect his thoughts; trying to decide what to say to keep from hurting my feelings even more. “I can’t say it back.”
I knew it, but him saying it out loud, that he doesn’t feel the same way, it absolutely wrecks me.
Kissing me on the forehead he steps back, shaking his head. “Anna. I can’t say it back now, if I do, I’ll never be able to let you go.”
Wait, what? That was not at all what I was expecting. But what does that mean?
“Luke, I don’t understand.”
“If I love you, there is no way I can let you step foot back in that Compound, and I know you have to go back. I know you won’t leave Ash, your family. Not yet at least. I can’t let the Church near the woman I love. I just can’t let myself feel, anything.”
I don’t know how to feel about his explanation. On the one hand, I think he pretty much just said: Hey Anna, I’m in love with you, but I can’t say it out loud, and then let you go back. On the other hand, he’s also saying he isn’t allowing himself to have feelings for me as long as I’m part of the Church. Granted, we can’t truly be together if I stay in there and he stays out here, but still. That isn’t the plan anyway. With everything I found out, I couldn’t possibly stay there. Plus, they are selling me in less than a week to Vater Roger. Like I’m going to let that happen. Which means, I have no choice but to leave. Even if I expose everything they’re doing and it stops, I still don’t think I can stay.
Neither of us speaks for what seems like forever. Both of us competing in some sort of staring competition, and then he steps back into my space.
“Don’t go back.”
Three little words. Just not the ones I desperately wanted to hear, needed to hear. “You know I have to.”
His eyes are glossy, hands hanging loosely at his sides, defeated. “I know.” And then he turns and walks away.
***
Watching Luke walk out that door was one of the hardest moments of my life. It took everything in me not to chase him down the hall, and tackle him to the ground. I don’t even know if he’ll come back before I need to leave. If he doesn’t, I know I’ll be destroyed.
After he left I realized I was still in my towel. All through our fight, I stood, in a damn towel. I only have one dress left, and putting this pink thing on, after everything that just happened, is like the icing on the cake. I fucking hate pink. Remind me to drop this damn thing in the incinerator when I get back.
I’m sitting, staring out the window at the tree line in the distance, when Luke comes back in. Over my shoulder, I see he’s carrying silver trays of food. Clearly, this is gonna be our thing. Things get stressful, Luke brings me food. I might be able to live with this arrangement if there’s bacon.
I’m still watching as he sets the trays out, and removes each lid, one revealing a pile of limp bacon.
“Hey Little Minx. Can we eat?”
“Yes, but only because there’s bacon.” I smile and he returns it, slipping into his chair.
I want to lighten the mood, because I understand how he feels. I don’t want to go back, leaving him, knowing that I’m leaving behind the only man I have ever loved, it’s going to be next to impossible getting in that wagon without him. And no matter what, we are still friends. I don’t want to end this on a bad note.
So like an idiot, I say the first thing that pops into my brain. “I like bacon.” Good God, Anna. Is this like the whole, I have a lamp thing.
He seems surprised by the admission, but nods his head agreeing, “Me too.”
Well, that didn’t work.
“I’m trying to lighten the mood here Luke, and you aren’t making it easy.”
His only response is a flat, “Oh.”
“Okay listen, I know I had a meltdown earlier, but I’m a girl, I can’t be blamed for these things. I care about you, regardless of the situation, and I can’t leave here with you mad at me.”
“Oh Anna, I’m not mad at you, in fact, I don’t think I could ever be mad at you. I’m mad at myself. I hurt you, which is the one thing I said I would never do. I said I would always protect you, I would always keep you safe. But, I can’t give you this Little Minx. I’ll do anything in my power to help you in there, whatever you need from me it’s yours, but I can’t give you that.”
I don’t think its possible that he loves me, if he did, there’s no way he would let me walk away without making sure I knew it. But I am not going to start another fight, I have to let this go. I have to be okay with this.
“It’s okay. I get it.”
The two of us finish our bacon in silence, and all that’s left, is to wait.
***
When it was time to go, Luke carried my bag, and showed me back to the other side of the main road where I would wait for the wagon to return. I didn’t expect him to stay with me, but he did. There was no way to know when the Hunting party would be back, could be hours. Our silence wasn’t uncomfortable, but I wished things hadn’t turned out the way they did.
Just as the sun began to set, Luke nodded his head toward the opening at the end of the alley revealing a wagon, and several men on horses passing by. They don’t look our way, thank goodness, and I sit up on my knees, waiting for them to pass on foot, headed back into town. We need to count them, make sure there are eight. If they leave anyone behind to watch the wagons, anyone but Cody, I’m going to have to get creative. If they had a successful hunt, they won’t want to leave the kills unattended. I just have to hope Cody can convince them he can guard them alone.
We count seven men, all looking haggard, passing by the alley opening. The eighth, the only one that doesn’t pass us, Cody. It’s times like these that make me realize God must agree with what I’m doing, he has my back.
Luke and I agree, we should give it five minutes to make sure they are out of sight, before heading to the wagon. I’m not sure what would happen if I was caught sneaking into the wagon, and it wouldn’t just be me in trouble, Cody would have to face the consequences too.
“Anna.” I hate that since this morning, he hasn’t called me Little Minx once. “You need to know one more thing. There’s another gang, they’re base camp is only about sixty miles from here, due east. There’s a supply run, from here to there. The Church is disrupting the supplies, attacking them, and stealing what they want. This other gang, they call themselves the Titans, they have tried fighting back several times without success. Their Leader, he’s sick of it, he met with the Diablo Leader this morning. That’s where I was. The Titans have been increasing their numbers, pulling in smaller gangs, they plan to really fight back. Diablo wants nothing to do with it, at least not right now, but I don’t know what the Titans will do.” He brushes his thumb across my cheek, leaning his forehead to mine, and letting out a long sigh. “I just needed you to know. Please be careful Anna.”
Honestly, this news isn’t surprising, it kind of makes perfect sense, but he’
s right. I did need to know. I don’t know how they plan to fight back, but no matter what, this could be bad; make everything more complicated. I also find it hard to believe Luke doesn’t know what they plan to do. Luke said that’s where he went this morning, to the meeting. So, I can’t help but think he knows more he’s not telling me.
Placing my hand on Luke’s chest and taking a deep breath, I promise I will. “I will, I’ll be careful. Thank you for telling me.”
There isn’t much more to be said between the two of us. We both made our feelings pretty clear. Things just aren’t meant to be with us, at least not right now, and while the thought breaks my heart, I have to be okay with it. There are far more important things right now than my love life.
Standing, the two of us creep to the end of the alley doing our best to remain hidden. At the end, and peaking my head around the corner, I can clearly see the wagon, and Cody mounted on his horse next to it. If he’s staying mounted, then that probably means he doesn’t expect the rest of the men to take long in town, which means I need to hurry. I’ve already wasted too much time hoping Luke would say something different, change his mind.
As I approach, I can see the look of relief wash over Cody’s face and I grin. We aren’t out of the woods yet, but I think we just pulled this whole thing off.
“Anna, thank God! You need to hurry; I don’t expect them to be much longer. I honestly didn’t think you were gonna make it in time.” Hopping down from his horse, he makes his way to where I climb in the back of the wagon, and together we remove the false bottom.
Before laying myself down, I take one last look to where Luke stands. We are quite far from one another, and I can’t make out his features, but I smile and wave. This could possibly be goodbye, forever.
When he returns my wave with one of his own, I lay down in the small space under the floor, a single tear slipping down my face, as Cody replaces the board.
CHAPTER 18 — BLAZE OF GLORY
Like the trip to Bonham just three days ago, the trip back to the Compound is bumpy, yet uneventful. I count that as a blessing. After the men unloaded their kills I was left in the now dark space for several hours until Cody returned, well after midnight, signaling the coast was clear. He had helped me out, and the two of us made our way to his apartment, where Ash and Chase were waiting.
