by Lisa Heaton
Isabel stood and left the chapel and God behind, knowing her choice was contrary to what He would require of her. In the moment, however, she didn’t care. She so desperately needed love and felt empty in such a way that it threatened her very existence. With every beat of her heart, she feared she would die without love. Since she knew where love resided, how could she not enter through the door?
Lunch was being served in the garden as Isabel sat with Fina, excited over the time to come. After spending her morning broken and in tears, she had become determined to put it all behind her. Now, she was numb to Colin and his repeated cruelty. Many times she had chided herself for allowing her hopes to rise as she had. She knew better. From the very first day, she had known better. That would not be a mistake she repeated. Instead, she would focus on her future.
Without Fina’s knowledge, Isabel had slipped a note to Phillip, asking that he and the commander just happen by the garden at noon. They were right on time and both walked with obvious hesitation toward the table. Isabel could only find amusement at Elias’s expression.
“What perfect timing that you two have happened along. Please join us for lunch.”
Isabel turned to a servant. “Bring two more chairs, please, for the commander and the captain.”
Elias was grinning at Isabel, not at all hindered by her surprise. Phillip and Fina, on the other hand, both appeared as if they would keel over at any moment.
“My queen, I don’t know when I’ve had a better offer.” When his chair arrived, Elias sat nearest to Isabel.
“What is the special occasion?”
Isabel spoke with a twinkle of mischief in her eye as her commander looked at her adoringly. “A day to remember my travels to Kidian and how I so enjoyed the trip.”
“I have never enjoyed a journey as much myself. I seem to remember the princess telling the most outlandish stories.”
“I seem to recall the commander hanging onto my every word.”
Elias moved in closer. “I am still hanging on.”
Isabel turned to Fina and then glanced at Phillip. “Would you two please excuse yourselves to have a private conversation just over there?” She nodded toward the fountain. “I need to speak with the commander alone.”
Fina drew in a sharp breath and pounded the table. “I don’t think that’s wise, Isabel. I will stay right where I am.”
“Fina, as always, I appreciate how diligently you watch over me, but in this case I do not need your mothering. The king has given his approval that I may continue my friendship with the commander. I assure you, there is nothing to fear.”
All three sat looking at her in disbelief. Finally, recovering from the shock of the queen’s words, Phillip stood and reached for Fina’s chair. “We must excuse ourselves for a moment.”
Once alone, Isabel grinned at Elias. “You are not the strategist that you think you are.”
His eyes narrowed. “Meaning?”
“The fact that we never spoke or looked at one another gave us away.”
Elias shook his head. “I’m sure my behavior at the sea didn’t help.”
“Or my accidentally calling you Elias in front of him.”
“So he has given us his blessing?” His eyes narrowed again. “Why would he do that?”
“Not his blessing exactly but his understanding. He acknowledges that he can’t be what I need.”
Elias leaned in and rested his elbows on the table. “What does this mean for us?”
“We must be discreet.”
“Of course.” He nodded.
“You are never to touch me.”
“Agreed. Anything else?”
“We cannot be alone.”
“I understand.”
He sat looking at her for a few seconds, his smile fading. “You have more to say.”
“You should know.” She looked down rather than at him. “I am expecting.”
Elias swallowed hard, his next words soft, barely a whisper. “That is wonderful news for the kingdom.”
“Yes, it is. The king is pleased.”
“And you?”
She nodded.
He exhaled and looked away. “Will he continue to come to you?”
His question stung, not because of what had transpired that morning, but because her heart ached for Elias and what he must have been through knowing she was with another.
“No. Now that my symptoms have begun, he won’t.”
He looked back, staring at her with penetrating eyes. “Does that upset you?”
Taken back by the question, she shook her head. “I don’t want to discuss him with you.”
“Once again you feel used?”
She nodded as tears filled her eyes. “I knew all along.”
“That doesn’t make it any easier?”
“No.” She grinned at him as she blinked away tears. “But thankfully you do.”
“I will do everything in my power to bring you happiness. I’ve said before, and it still rings true, there is nothing too much for you to ask of me.” He moved his hand as if to touch her but then withdrew it again. “Do you hear me?”
She nodded. “All this time, just the sight of you has brought me inexpressible happiness. At times I have forgotten just how much you fill me. But never again. You are my thousand blessings, Elias.”
He moved his hand this time, just enough that his skin would brush hers. “I have wanted to love you selflessly and wish for the king to come to his senses. Now, I can hardly regret that he’s a fool. I will help you forget your sorrow.”
His soft smile caused her to look away. This man’s love for her was hardly deserved. Her heart was heavy, knowing how easily she may have cast his love aside if Colin had chosen differently. Isabel vowed to never make that mistake again and to keep her love for Elias ever in the forefront of her heart and mind. Truly, it was her only means to survive.
***
Colin watched from a terrace as the four dined in the garden. To see Isabel with Elias didn’t make him angry or jealous this time. Instead, he found his heart sunk low. She deserved more than a relationship where she was held at arm’s length as he had done. And she deserved more than a secret affair. It wasn’t becoming of a queen, not one so noble as Isabel.
When the group departed in separate directions, Colin turned to go back indoors. Today was just the beginning of looking the other way as his wife loved another man. This, Colin reminded himself, was the only way. If he continued to play with her emotions, he would eventually do irreparable harm. He cared too much for Isabel to destroy her.
Chapter 19
This was the first Colin had seen of Isabel since watching her in the garden. Now, as she entered wearing a dazzling ruby red gown, he exhaled, hardly able to draw in a new breath. He had expected her mood to be similar to his own, so her high spirits when she entered the banquet hall took him by surprise. She greeted dignitaries and princes from other lands. One, a dark-skinned prince from the Middle East, had been utterly taken with Isabel since his arrival the week before. Upon Isabel’s entrance the man stood and walked around the table to hold her chair for her.
“Thank you, Prince Sier.” Isabel turned and nodded at Colin.
He nodded in return. Before turning away, she looked at him and smiled, an unexpected gesture under the circumstances.
Everyone was talking amongst themselves, allowing Colin a moment to lean in and take Isabel’s arm. “Please don’t take your friendship from me.”
To his surprise large tears tumbled over her lashes and down her cheeks. In all the times he had hurt her, he had never once seen her cry. This unexpected sight caused him to jump to his feet, take her by the hand, and whisk her from the room before anyone could see that she was crying.
When they were alone, he took her into his arms. “I am so sorry for what I did to you.”
She moved back from him. “The things I said this morning…” She shook her head. “I intended to hurt you, but I went too far. I shouldn’t have
said what I did about your wife.”
“I deserved every word.” He cast his eyes away. “What I did to you was inexcusable.”
Isabel straightened, wiped her tears away, and drew in a deep breath. “No, you were right. You were always honest with me.”
“Isabel.” He moved in to take her into his arms again, but she backed away even farther and held her hand out for him to stop.
“Colin, I told you in the meadow that day that I would help you keep your promise. I intend to do that, but the only way is for you to keep your distance.”
“And for you to turn to him?” Colin said.
“Yes.”
“You were hardly discreet there with him in the garden.”
“I had no other means of getting word to him.” She paused and her eyes narrowed. “Have you changed your mind?”
He shook his head. “No. Did you tell him today, that I know?”
“I did.”
“And of the child?”
“Yes, so you are free to announce it when you so choose.”
Colin hung his head. “This isn’t what I want for us.”
“But it’s where we are by your choice, Colin. We will parent this child and rule this kingdom together, but otherwise, there is no us. Don’t touch me. Don’t kiss me. It’s too confusing for us both.”
He took a step closer, finding he already wanted to touch her again. “And if we have a girl?”
She looked away and blinked rapidly. “As on our wedding night, you will keep your shirt on and leave immediately after.”
When Isabel turned to go, he said, “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you.”
She stopped and turned back, her expression defiant. “That is the last time you will be able to say that.”
They returned to supper together, and when they entered, all were watching them, wondering why the couple had disappeared.
Once Isabel was seated, Colin remained standing, shaken still from their encounter. For both of their sakes, he intended to redirect the evening ahead. He reached for his glass and lifted it.
“I have the honor of sharing with you the most magnificent news.” He turned to his wife. “Our queen is expecting. So we might anticipate many such abrupt exits.”
Laughter and applause broke out and a roar of cheers swept through the room. This was the news the entire kingdom had awaited since the wedding, so those who were privileged to know first found it an immense honor to be present for the announcement.
***
Isabel had not one moment alone that evening. Each and every person present came and congratulated her on her condition. Even those who were once most unkind were exceptionally gracious. For the nobles and their wives, this child, considering it was a male child, would save the kingdom and their way of life. Those visiting from foreign lands, they, too, were assured stable relations with Kidian, a benefit to all who were allies of the crown.
After a longer-than-desired conversation with an ambassador’s wife about proper child rearing and nannies, Isabel turned to find Elias there before her. Based on the amusement in his eyes, her surprise must be evident. “Commander.”
“Queen Isabel.”
As would be expected of him, he took her hand in his and lifted it to his lips.
At his touch her stomach fluttered and her cheeks flushed.
“I hear congratulations are in order.” Elias said.
“They are. How kind of you to personally congratulate me.”
“I wouldn’t miss this opportunity for the world.”
Another well-wisher arrived and Elias moved on, leaving Isabel stuck in the conversation. All the while as the man spoke to her, she watched Elias walk away and return to his position in the near shadows. Over the remainder of the night, she kept him in sight. There was nothing more thrilling than to lock eyes with him, knowing how desperately loved she was. Her heart would skip a beat and her palms grew sweaty.
This was more than a simple distraction to keep her mind off what had transpired with Colin that morning. Without question her feelings for Colin were growing and had threatened to turn into true love, but now that all seemed to be settled. She cared for Colin but knew the danger in allowing herself to get any closer to him. Whatever it took, she would steer clear of him. Elias, on the other hand, was always a safe place to entrust her heart.
Throughout the night, as much as she tried to ignore her husband, Isabel would often turn to find him looking at her, his expression unusual. While she couldn’t say for sure, she would guess he was filled with as much regret over allowing his feelings to deepen as she. Unsure of most anything with regards to Colin, she tried her best to ignore his gazes so that she wouldn’t make assumptions. That had nearly broken her heart so far.
The one time Colin approached her, he said, “You have a room full of admirers tonight.”
“I’ve noticed that.”
“Are you tired? Do you need to rest?”
“Not tired at all, but thank you for asking.” Without another word, she left him standing there and went off to find Fina and Phillip.
At the end of the night, Colin insisted on walking with Isabel to her room. She argued that there was no need, but he walked with her anyway. Once they arrived at her door, she stopped and turned.
“I won’t be joining you for breakfast. I’m unusually tired in the mornings now.”
His face fell and he glanced away. “I understand. I will instruct Gerard to have a tray sent up for you.” He hesitated a moment and looked back at her. “Isabel.”
She focused her attention over his shoulder rather than eyes so easy to get lost in. That thought caused her to look away altogether when she heard his words from the night before play over in her mind. I am so lost in you.
Colin took hold of her arms. “I caught a glimpse of our future tonight. Must you shut me out of your life entirely?”
“I see no other way.” Isabel pulled herself from his grasp, went into her room, and closed the door behind her, latching the door for him to hear.
With so little opportunity to see Elias, Isabel was lost and lonely. Although Fina was her closest friend, Isabel rarely spent time with her because she was tired of Fina’s disapproval of Elias.
Intentionally, for nearly a month she and Colin had avoided each other as much as possible. That left her with little to keep her mind occupied since she avoided the daily court proceedings as well. It was nearly fall and the weather was cooling down, so Isabel often sat in the garden for lack of anything better to do. Hour after hour she sat looking toward the distant lake. Beyond there was the meadow where she and Colin had made love beneath the blue summer sky. It was altogether possible that their child was conceived that day. The memory caused the blood to rush to her cheeks, and she could feel them turning pink.
She sighed and shook her head, remembering how easily she had forsaken her love for Elias that day. Now, when she looked toward the meadow, she reminded herself to never stray from the one who safely guarded her fickle heart.
When at any gathering, Isabel would occasionally speak to Elias and that, only when surrounded by a large party. He was always in eyesight but never in reach. Soon after their lunch in the garden, Elias had begun to dance with a few women each night, almost never the same ones. Just that fact created a stir among the court as even those ineligible women were hoping for an affair with the usually reserved commander.
Now that he had established a new pattern, he was free to ask Isabel to dance and dance they did. Two to three glorious nights each week, Isabel was able to be in his arms and gaze up into his blue eyes.
“Will you dance with a simple soldier?” He bowed before her.
Isabel had watched his approach with the certainty that her legs would fail her. Even still they threatened to buckle from beneath her.
“I would be honored to dance with you, Commander.”
Elias spoke quietly and with a neutral expression on his face. “I am more in love with you in this moment than even the last ti
me I held you.”
She felt her cheeks grow warm but kept her expression as casual. “I can hardly blame you.”
He chuckled at her. “And you are even more in love with me. It’s obvious – to me anyway.”
“I truly am.”
Her most recent concern, that another would capture his heart, caused her to sigh.
“Something is bothering you.”
“Please don’t love them, any of them.”
“Who?”
“Any of the women you dance with. I see how they look at you and hear the things they say.”
“You have been here for four months dancing with anyone who asks you, and you have the nerve to be jealous?” His eyes narrowed. “Do you know how I’ve burned with jealousy over you? Thomas from Artilan, Prince Sier – the list goes on and on. I have watched with great sorrow as you have smiled up at them while they led you around this room.”
“But only you have my heart.”
“And you, my beautiful queen, will always have mine.”
The song ended leaving them both speechless that their one dance for the evening was over so soon. Each hesitated before walking away, the pain of separation becoming more unbearable with every encounter.
When he left her, Isabel tried her best to regain her composure, to force what was likely an evident look of love from her face. When she found she was close to tears, she made her way through the crowd and to a private room.
***
Colin had watched the couple’s encounter and now found his heart went out to a disillusioned Isabel. Once left standing after the dance had ended, the look on her face had caused his breath to escape him in one audible rush.
When Isabel left the room, his suspicion was that they intended to meet until he saw Elias begin to search the crowd for her as well. Since Colin had the advantage of seeing where she had exited, he moved in that direction and entered the room where she was. He found her sitting beside the fire.
“Are you well?”
“I am.” Isabel said with little conviction.
“This is more difficult than you imagined?”
“What is more difficult?”
