Dodge the Bullet

by Christy Hayes

  Her fingers tightened on the wheel. “Why does it matter?”

  “The man lived in our house for a week. I’m just wondering whose bed he slept in at night. It had to be one of the three of ours, right?”

  Sarah considered her options. Tell the truth or lie. Tell the truth or lie? What horrific choices, but she wouldn't lie to her sons, not about this. “He slept in my bed.”

  “Will he be sleeping there when we get home?” The quietly serious question had come from Kevin, his face a study in...worry? Curiosity? Disgust?

  “No, he won’t be. And that’s all I’m saying about the subject.”

  “I knew it,” Lyle muttered from the back seat.

  Sarah looked in the rearview, saw him tuck his chin to his chest as he sank against the seat. When she glanced back at the road she realized she couldn't remember the last ten minutes of their trip. The conversation needed her full attention.

  “What are you doing?” Kevin asked when she pulled into a parking space of a fast food restaurant and cut the engine. She turned in the seat to face Kevin and Lyle.

  “What do you want to know? I’ll answer as best I can, and then we’ll head home. But I’m not putting up with your attitude. So, ask your questions and I’ll decide if they need to be answered.”

  “Are you sleeping with him?” Lyle spewed the question at her as if he couldn’t hold it inside any longer.

  “That’s none of your business.”

  Kevin cleared his throat. “Why the hell did you pull over if you’re not going to answer a simple question?”

  “Because I’m your mother and who I choose to sleep with will never be any of your business. And don’t use that language with me.”

  “That’s convenient.” Lyle said. He seemed relieved not to have to know the truth and her heart ached for him.

  “It’s conveniently true. Now,” she sighed and tried to get her balance back. “As I’ve already explained to your brother, I have feelings for Dodge. What those feelings are and what I plan to do with them…” she shrugged “I’m not sure. But that’s for me and him to work out. You don’t have to like it. I expect you’d have a problem with anyone I became involved with after your father. No matter what happens, I love you both more than anything in the world. If you have questions or you feel anxious or worried about anything, I want you to talk to me about it and not sit around and brood until you explode.” She looked pointedly at Lyle. Sarah felt unnerved to see him so reserved and angry. “Any more questions?”

  After a moment of silence Kevin shifted in his seat. “Well, since we’re already here, can we go ahead and get lunch? I’m starving.” And with a blessed sigh of relief, she agreed.

  Chapter 25

  Dodge couldn’t get comfortable. He’d adjusted the pillows on the couch a dozen times, put his feet up, then down again, crossed his ankles, crossed his arms behind his head, spread his arms along the back of the couch. Nothing, absolutely nothing felt right. Damn it.

  He had everything he needed, a cold beer he’d set carefully on the corner of a magazine, a habit he’d picked up from staying at Sarah’s. “Why ruin furniture with glass rings,” she’d said and then growled at him when he'd suggested it added character to her new furniture. His stomach was full of food from the diner and his Rockies, playing under five-hundred ball as usual, had just started off a game against the Diamond Backs with a two-run double. So what in the hell was his problem? He stood up from the couch, turned away from the game and headed outside in the cool night to clear his head.

  He knew what was wrong; he was miserable. He missed Sarah so much he felt like he'd been zipped up inside out and now the zipper was stuck. He’d been moping around for days, watching her come and go from her house with a smile planted firmly in place, happy as a clam that her sons were home. He’d miscalculated with her. He'd been so sure she was in love with him and wanted to be with him, but her actions suggested otherwise.

  Dodge had been all set to tell her how he felt, lay it on the line and let her deal, but when she got back with the kids they had a quiet family dinner alone. He’d worked at the ranch all that day, trying to shake off his mood and work up the courage to talk to her and the kids. He’d been in the barn when they drove up. Kevin had more questions than Dodge could answer. He wanted to see the barn and the charred earth where the fire had left the ground barren. He’d even made Dodge lift his pant leg and show him his stitches. Quite a change from the pissed off teenager who’d left a week ago.

  Lyle hung back by his mom and said nothing, and hadn't said much since he returned. Dodge had tried to bring him around ever since, asking for his help with special projects. Sometimes he'd forget he was mad at Dodge and he’d loosen up a little. But then it’d hit him and he’d clam up again. Dodge knew why the kid was upset--he'd figured out something was going on between him and his mom and he didn’t like it. Dodge wanted to talk to Sarah about their situation but she’d basically made herself scarce, and only came around when the boys were near. He couldn’t get her alone for a second.

  There’d been no dinner invitations, no conspiratorial looks, no nothing. It was like their time together hadn’t even happened. So instead of enjoying his beloved Rockies and a cold beer, he moped around the deck, stared up at the stars, and wondered what Sarah was doing at the very same moment. She’d turned his whole life upside down to the point where he couldn’t even enjoy baseball. He reached for his keys on the old rooster holder and headed outside to his truck. One way or another he was getting some things off his chest tonight.

  ###

  Sarah had spent another painful day avoiding Dodge. She'd watched him like a hawk from the safety of her window, using binoculars no less. Every minute that passed without him she felt her heart splitting in two. Her need for him was eating her alive. She knew avoiding him was cowardly, but she still didn’t know what else to do.

  “Mom,” Lyle called from the den. “Watch this replay.”

  She skulked over to watch the Arizona's short stop make a double play to end the inning. All she could think of was Dodge, watching the game and cussing his favorite team and their troubled year. “The Rockies can’t catch a break, can they?”

  ###

  Kevin stole a glance at Lyle as his mom went back to cleaning the kitchen. They’d talked about what was going on with their mom and Dodge incessantly since they returned home two days ago. Were they fighting? Did Dodge call things off because they were back? Or was she simply avoiding the whole situation because she couldn’t deal? They didn’t know, couldn’t agree on a theory, but they did agree that they hadn’t seen her this withdrawn in a very long time. Neither boy felt happy to see her slide back into depression.

  ###

  Sarah tucked the last of the dishes in the dishwasher and stared as the evening breeze rustled the leaves of the cotton woods in the distance. She glanced at the clock. Seven o'clock and she wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed. The same bed where she’d lost her heart to Dodge and could lose herself in the only peace of the day, slumber. But it was too early to go to bed without alarming the boys, so she grabbed her sweatshirt from the back of the chair and announced she was going for a walk.

  The gentle wind brushed her skin like a kiss. She closed her eyes and drank in the smell of clean air and cow dung. The air smelled as Dodge did after working with Miguel for a few hours. His clothes and even his hair held the scent of cows and working man. She remembered with aching fondness how the smell would waft strongly in the room when he’d first enter, then ease away with each layer of clothing he removed. She thought of the working man smell of his skin along his shoulders where she’d graze her teeth, his sweat scented abdomen, the scent of her shampoo in his hair. Stop it, she shook her head. Yes, the man was gorgeous, chivalrous, good with his hands and impossibly stubborn. But he was trouble, and most importantly, he didn't want her for anything more than a roll in the hay.

  It wasn’t hard to avoid someone who didn’t want to see her in the first
place. Had she imagined the bliss of the previous week? When he first saw her in the mornings she hadn't seen panic in his eyes, only lust and what she thought was affection. But now she had to wonder, was she so blinded by her emotions that she didn’t recognize his signs of retreat? They flashed in her mind like road signs: slow down, sharp curve ahead, prepare to stop.

  Sarah needed to pull herself together, and quickly. She’d seen the worried looks on her son’s faces, heard their hushed conversations at night behind closed doors. They were afraid she'd slide back into mourning for things that could never be. She’d put them through enough already. She climbed the stairs to the house, into the quiet den and saw the light on behind Kevin’s closed door. She knocked, heard muffled voices stop and a quick invitation to enter. Lyle sat perched in a bean bag on the floor tossing a rubber ball in the air and Kevin sprawled on the bed with his PSP.

  “I’m back. I’ll be out on the deck.” When they barely acknowledged her she asked, “You two okay?”

  Lyle studied the ball in his hand as if it held the answer to life’s most important questions. “Yeah,” he said and looked up at her with narrowed eyes. “How about you, Mom? Are you okay?”

  Her smile faltered when Kevin glanced over his game to hear her answer.

  She wouldn’t lie to her kids. “I’m working on it.”

  Sarah closed the door, grabbed the phone and a throw from the back of the couch and strolled onto the deck. She needed to talk to her sister.

  ###

  As he drove down the long drive toward the cabin, Dodge saw a light from Kevin’s room, but Sarah’s room and the rest of the house seemed dark. Damn it. He needed to get his feelings off his chest so he could figure out what to do next. He never thought she’d be asleep, or worse, not home. He didn’t want to confront her with the boys around, but he could ask her to join him outside and out of their earshot. If she refused, he didn't care; he was in the mood for a good fight. He parked the truck along the side of the house and cursed when he realized the garage doors were shut. He picked up his cell phone and dialed her number. It went straight to voicemail. He got out of the car and paced in front of the garage doors while her home phone rang in his ear. Kevin answered.

  “Hey. It's Dodge. Is your mom there?”

  “She's out on the deck. I think she's talking to Aunt Jenny.”

  Great. Just what he didn't need. “I’m outside your place. Can you come open the garage doors and let me in? I need to talk to her.”

  There was a pause before Kevin said, “Sure. I'll be right down.”

  He heard Sarah’s voice coming from the deck and moved slowly around the side of the house to listen.

  ###

  Sarah settled into a chair facing the darkened river as Jenny explained her lack of contact in the last few days. “We’re in Telluride shooting a commercial for my chocolate bar account. I’m sure no one will notice it’s not the Swiss Alps. I’d have called sooner, but we’ve been slammed since filming began.”

  “Can you squeeze in a quick visit?” Sarah wrapped the throw tight around her shoulders when the wind picked up. “It’d be great to see you right now.”

  “Depends on how close we stick to the shooting schedule. What’s going on with you and the local hero?”

  “Oh, Jenny.” Sarah sobbed. “I’m so confused.”

  “I should charge you for these counseling sessions. What’s wrong, only three orgasms last night? My poor little sis.”

  She’d endured so many of Jenny’s cries for help with men that she felt entitled to at least a dozen ‘counseling sessions’ in return. “If you’re going to make fun I’m not saying a word.”

  “Don’t get pissy with me. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had an orgasm? With a man, that is.”

  “I never should have slept with him,” she said. “I knew I shouldn’t have but couldn’t stop myself. God, Jenny, I feel like you, letting my libido lead me into trouble.”

  “What’s going on? The last time we talked you were happily nursing him back to health. What changed?”

  “Everything changed. I knew I couldn’t do it, I knew it. Why did I listen to you in the first place? ‘It’s just sex,’” Sarah mimicked sarcastically. “‘You need it and he needs it.’ God what a fool I am.”

  ###

  Dodge ducked under the deck when he realized Sarah was talking about him and how she regretted their being together. Anger lurched up from his belly like a flame. She’s the one who'd started it! He’d told her it’d be a mistake, but no, she wouldn’t listen and now he was paying the price. Part of him wanted to walk away and lick his wounds in private, but the other part couldn’t make his legs move. If he had to sit under the deck and eavesdrop to find out just how wrong he’d been to fall in love with her then he’d do it. She sure as hell wasn’t going to be honest. The river, gurgling over rock and earth, made hearing difficult. He moved closer to her voice and found himself standing directly under where she sat on the deck.

  ###

  “What the hell are you talking about?” Sarah could tell Jenny was losing her patience. “Just spit it out already.”

  “I’m in love with him! I knew I couldn’t sleep with him and not get attached. I knew it. But no, you said, ‘just do it’ like it was no big deal to have sex and walk away. Well, here’s a news flash for you, Jenny. I’m not wired that way.”

  Sarah heard a very deep, “What?” from somewhere outside. She stood up and looked over the rail. “Who’s out there?” She called, still holding the phone to her mouth.

  “Have you forgotten who you’re talking to?” Jenny asked.

  Dodge appeared from under the deck and stood with his hands on his hips. She couldn't see his face until the spotlight illuminated and Kevin came around the corner from the garage.

  “Dodge?” Kevin called.

  Dodge didn't turn, but stared up at Sarah. “You’re in love with me?”

  Sarah gazed over the edge of the railing at the man she loved, the man who didn’t love her back. “I…what are you doing here?”

  “I heard you,” he said. “You said you’re in love with me.”

  “Is that him?” Jenny asked. “Is he there?”

  Sarah let the phone drop to her side. His stance was like that of a gunslinger about to take down his mark. Even in the dark she could see the fire in his eyes. He was spoiling for a fight. She threw the phone in her vacant chair, shrugged off the throw and gripped the railings.

  “I…I…What do you care? I’ve given you a perfect reason to tuck tail and run. Not like you needed one. I can’t even believe you’re still standing there after what I said.”

  “You think just because you said you love me I’m going to take off?”

  “No, I thought you’d just hide out in the barn like you’ve been doing, act like nothing ever happened between us. Maybe if you try hard enough to pretend nothing happened, you’ll convince yourself its true.”

  “Oh, that’s priceless coming from you.” He kicked the gravel with his boot and spun around before glaring up at her again. “Who’s been hiding out up here for days on end? Were you ever going to work up the courage to tell me to my face?” He cocked his head and waited for an answer.

  At least she could barricade herself inside when she couldn’t listen to any more hurtful words. She stared down at him with her lips tucked tightly closed.

  “You turned my life upside down and then left me dangling in the wind like yesterday’s garbage,” Dodge shouted. “And now you have the audacity to say that you love me?”

  “I didn’t mean to fall in love with you,” Sarah spewed back. “Why would I do this to myself?” She flailed her arms in the air. “I guess you get the last laugh. You were right, I can’t do casual! But I won’t be some cliché woman who tries to pin you down just because I was stupid enough to fall for you.” She felt as deflated as a day-old balloon. “You’re just as free as when we met, Dodge. My feelings are my problem.”

  He turned from her a
nd walked around the side of the house, past Kevin and out of her view. She felt her knees buckle and had to stifle a sob in her throat. In the silence, she heard a distant voice calling her name. It was Jenny, she realized, still on the line. She put the phone to her ear. “Well, that went well.”

  ###

  Dodge entered the garage with the single-minded determination to face Sarah and end the madness once and for all. When he glanced up at the stairs, he realized he had an eleven-year-old to get through first.

  “What are you doing here?” Lyle asked.

  “I need to see your mom.”

  “She doesn’t want to see you.”

  Kevin walked past Dodge to stand at his brother’s side. “I think she does, Lyle.”

  “What do you know?” Lyle shouted at his brother. “You’re so busy making kissy faces with Shiloh, you don’t know anything.”

  A blush rose on Kevin’s neck before he tucked his embarrassment aside and gently placed his hands on Lyle’s shoulders. “She’s in love with him. I just heard her.” He jerked his head toward Dodge. “And so did he.”

  “That’s not true. She loves Dad.”

  Dodge kneeled down so he and the boy were eye-to-eye. “You’re right, Lyle. She does love your dad. She always will. I’m not trying to replace him or step into his shoes. No one could ever do that. My mom died when I was little and I wouldn’t have let someone else try to be my mom.”

  “You’ll never be my dad.”

  “I know that, son. I don’t want to be your dad. I’d like to be your friend again. We’ve got a lot in common. Starting with the fact that we both love your mom.”

  Kevin patted his brother’s shoulder. “You know she’s been sad since we came back. If they love each other…” he shrugged, “it makes sense. I want Mom to be happy again, Lyle. I know you do too. He makes her happy and as much as I hate it, Dad’s not coming back.”

  Lyle looked up at Dodge and twisted his mouth into a grimace to hide his quivering chin. “Alright. You can see her, but don’t make her cry.”