“You could have said something, Anna. Anything. We might have been more worried if we woke up to you dead, or worse a zombie.”
“You're right, Daniel. It was selfish of me. I've not been thinking straight. I hoped we'd find a house with some antibiotics that had been left behind, or a pharmacy that hadn't been ransacked. Something that might help. But it doesn't look like that's going to happen.”
“At least we can all keep a lookout for these now.” He said, looking intently at me. “Are you sure your arm is fine?”
“Yeah, I've not bandaged it for ages. Like I said it's scarred but healed.”
Rachel looked crestfallen. I knew she would. “I wish you'd told us sooner. Me and Daniel could have been scouting out quicker to see if there was anything to help you.”
“I've done it in every house we stopped at.”
“But we could have been looking in the ones that we've been walking past. We'll have to start now.”
She was right, they both were. If I had mentioned this sooner, they could have been helping along the way. Now, I felt like I was limping against the clock.
Daniel veered off our path and headed towards the nearest house. Maybe my luck wouldn't run out now. Rachel slowed her pace, letting me set the speed. I was grateful for it. Not having to force myself to move quicker had a positive effect on me. At least it stopped the fatigue which threatened to overwhelm me each day. The pain in my leg didn't lessen, but I didn't feel it getting worse.
Days 54, 55, and 56
I don't want to keep repeating myself. And the past few days would be repeated. No matter how many houses Rachel or Daniel break into, they haven't been able to find any antibiotics. They've come back with a lot of pain killers which has helped me travel, but it's only temporary relief. There was a pharmacy, but we couldn't find anything. I joked about taking the morphine and they could leave me behind, but they both glared at me.
My leg is in constant pain, and my optimism was draining. Sometimes this diary is a good way to get my thoughts out, help free up some space in my mind. Other times, I feel like it's mocking me. I know it can't, not really. But making myself write down the worst of it doesn't help lighten the mood.
We've rested for longer today. I can barely stand when the tablets wear off. I've been taking more and more each day, not something I think I can do for much longer. We set up camp in a nice little semi-detached with a garden, not that we are making much use of it. Daniel has been searching through the neighbourhood while Rachel lets me sleep.
Rachel was hopeful something would turn up for us. That it would only be a matter of time before we stumbled across something that would save my leg. That would save me. I didn't dissuade her. I would love for them to find a way to cure my leg, to get rid of this infection. To have the chance to walk around without bracing for pain with every step. Not having to feel a bandage become sodden with liquid and whatever else was weeping from the wound.
Honestly, I would let them search for as long as they wanted to. It would mean I could stay cosied in this bed, in this house, and not have to worry about moving.
Day 57
Daniel came back from his search not long ago. He'd managed to find more food for us, but nothing for my leg. A mounting pile of ibuprofen laid next to me on the bedside table, so not all bad news. No cure, but also no pain. There weren't many tablets left in the packets, but it was enough.
“How's the leg holding up?” He asked me.
“Bad.” I laughed weakly. “It doesn't feel as bad as it was, but I've not moved much which has to help. The infection's still there.”
“Anything helping it?”
I shook my head. “Cleaning it helps a little. The best we can do unless we can find anything to cure it.”
“Hopefully, we'll find something.” He squeezed my arm through the duvet. “Sorry I've not been able to find anything so far. Want me to warm up some water?”
“S'not your fault. If there aren't any, there aren't any. You can't do anything about that. Warm water will help though. I can try and psyche myself out of bed then.”
Daniel left me. I know I said hot water might work, but I didn't hold much hope for it. My leg was feeling better today. A bed to yourself was the cure to all life's woes. I'd not moved much since we got here. I have no idea what any of the other rooms look like. I crawled into the first bed I saw and hadn't been able to move myself since.
I chucked my grubby clothes on the floor and pulled on a fresh t-shirt and jogging bottoms from one of the drawers. They were oversized, but I needed the comfort. Fresh clothes were a luxury I never knew I'd miss. Before I changed, I brought the bowl of steaming water into my room to change my bandage. Despite having done this a few times already, I wasn't prepared for the sight. It was all angry looking and red. The hot water burned through me, hopefully, a good sign, before I rewrapped it with a clean bed sheet I'd found. The good thing about an apocalypse was no one wanted to take their bedding with them.
The colour of the wound was starting to worry me, and the heat that came from it made me uncomfortable.
“Please be wrong.” I whispered to myself.
Day 58
Sweat dripped down my face. My hair felt mattered and stuck to the sodden pillow beneath me. Had someone thrown water over me? As much as I wished it was a cruel prank, I knew the truth. My head was in agony, either from the potential dehydration or the fever that burned every inch of my skin. I struggled to open my eyes. The world spinning as soon as I did. Maybe I should have paid more attention to my leg than I had been doing.
My chances of survival were slowly slipping by. Rachel and Daniel needed to know. There were no words to soften the blow, but now they would be better off without me. This was the last thing I could do for them.
I forced myself from the bed, t-shirt clinging to my back. I moved sluggishly to the kitchen, the hot knife of pain in my leg worsening with each step. So much for proper rest making me feel better. They were faced away from me as I entered the room. I stood awkwardly by the door, not sure what I wanted, no, what I needed to say. The thought of what I was doing made my nose itch, and my eyes burn. This was not a goodbye any of us wanted. What choice did I have?
The pain was starting to become unbearable. My leg burned through the fabric of the pants I'd put on yesterday. If I felt like I was making the wrong choice, this solidified my position. I'd become a problem. I couldn't let them die because they were keeping me safe.
“I think you two are going to have to go on without me.” I eventually managed to say. My voice raspy and unfamiliar to my ears.
Rachel turned to look at me, smiling. “Don't be silly, Anna. We'll make sure you're okay. We're better off as a group than separating.”
“I don't think that's the only thing she means, Rach.” Daniel said softly as he turned.
He looked agonised. He must have realised my leg wasn't healing how it should either. No one wanted to admit they were going to die, and someone else wouldn't want to break the news to you. It's something you brush off, hoping you won't have to worry about. I'd been ignoring it myself for the past few days. One bullet to the leg and all my previous surviving meant nothing. Even if we did come across someone, I don't think they'd be able to help. Not now.
“Daniel, she'll be okay. We can all get through this. Together.”
“Rachel, look at her. Really look at her. She can barely stand where she is. She's dripping with sweat, and she's been in bed all night. She needed a doctor weeks ago. And now,” he sighed, looking away from us both. “And now, it's probably too late.”
“He's right, Rachel.” I tried to fight back the tears. “I've been trying to hide it. I wanted to find a way to get better for you. But the infection isn't going anywhere. I've cleaned it as much as I can.” I laughed sadly. “It's not helping anymore. I didn't want to give up. The thought of you two going on your own breaks my heart. If I don't let you go, I'm worried I'll be the death of you both.”
“Don't say that, A
nna. We can't lose you as well. Not after everything we've done. Not after everything we've been through.” Rachel sobbed, her cheeks glistening with tears.
“I know, but it has to. I can't be the reason you don't make it out of this alive. I'm glad you stumbled into my life. I'm glad you decided to try and steal my food that day.” I laughed through the tears. “But now you need to survive. Both of you need to make it out of this alive.”
Rachel pushed herself from the table and ran to me, engulfing me in a hug. The tears fell freely as I held her back, her body shaking under my arms. I didn't want to let go. I'd struggle on my own, but I couldn't be their downfall. I couldn't let them see me die. They shouldn't have to see that. They shouldn't have to stop me from becoming another undead. This was the only way I knew they'd be safe from me.
“Daniel, I don't think I'll need the majority of my stuff. Will you help me split it out for you two?”
He nodded solemnly. He knew I was giving up, and he knew there was no talking me out of it. I kept back a couple of things, enough to last me a few days. Maybe longer if I struggled to eat. Everything else I gave to them. Even what was left of my first aid kit. There was nothing in there to help me. I almost gave them my diary. Almost. I hid it down under a shirt. I might need something to keep me sane over the next couple of days.
Daniel split the items into two piles so they could carry them with ease. It didn't look like a lot, but they should be able to find more. It might not be the best, but it would keep them going.
“I'm not delaying you two any further. You need to go. Don't forget to rest, and keep your food topped up.” I pulled them both into a hug, my arms tight around their shoulders. “Live.” I whispered. “For me. Promise me you will. I know you'll be able to survive this, especially without me holding you back.”
Rachel sobbed into my shoulder. “Please don't do this, Anna. How can we leave you behind to die? We'll find someone to help you and come back for you.”
I stroked her hair, trying to calm her. “You can leave me behind because it's what you need to do. I'm too far gone. My fever was the last straw. If none of the tablets have helped by now, nothing will. I needed a doctor when it happened. Sure, my leg could be amputated but there's no guarantee that wouldn't become infected. Plus, can you imagine trying to run from a zombie with crutches?”
That made them both laugh, but the mood stayed sombre. I knew this would be difficult, but I didn't realise how difficult it would be.
“Daniel, can you make sure she's okay?”
He pulled me closer. “Of course I will. I'm her big brother. I wish it wasn't ending like this.”
“Me too, but you should go soon.” I pulled back from them both, hands fanning under my eyes to remove the remaining tears threatening to spill. “Don't leave it too long. Who knows, maybe I'll survive this, and I'll see you later.” I managed a weak smile at them.
“Yeah maybe,” he said as he moved to grab his bag. “Come on, Rach, we should go.”
“But I don't want to. I can't leave her here.”
“You can, and you will.” I smiled at her. “Who else will tell people how I bludgeoned a zombie to death then threw up?” I laughed slightly. “Speaking of,” I moved to where my bag was left, untying the cricket bat. “I'm not going to need this anymore. Take it.” I thrust it into Rachel's unwelcoming hands.
Daniel grabbed hold of her arm and started to pull her away. He grabbed her bag and slung it over his shoulder.
“Come on, we need to go. We might as well make use of some time without rain.”
She reluctantly turned and followed after him. I watched as they walked out of the house, letting the tears flow freely down my face. I knew I'd never see them again, but at least they had more of a chance now. At least I wouldn't be the reason for them to not survive. If only I could find a way to survive, but I'm already too far gone.
Days 59, 60, and 61
With no one to keep watch over me, I've let the past few days slip by as I drifted in and out of consciousness. I've not left the house we'd camped in. I can't find the energy to go anywhere else. Not eating isn't helping with this. My appetite went the same time as Rachel and Daniel did. What's the point in eating if you aren't going to survive?
I wanted to be optimistic. I wanted this diary to be optimistic, but I should have known better. A small part of me is clinging to the hope that I'll get out of this alive. I don't know how. I pulled the bandage off last night. I almost threw up at what greeted me. I tried to wipe away as much of the yellow gunk as I could before wrapping more bedsheet around it. My situation is hopeless.
I woke up today listening to the raggedness of my breathing. When that happened, I couldn't say. It was another sign of my growing weakness. I wanted it over sooner rather than later. I felt nauseous waiting for it to happen. How would it end? When would it end? Were Rachel and Daniel still alive? My thoughts circled on those few questions. Returning every time, I let my guard down.
I wasn't ready to say goodbye to them, to myself, to the world. Death is slowly making its way towards me. One agonisingly slow second at a time, but it's coming. A sudden thought hit me, I'd never seen my mum and brother again. I'd not thought of them for so long, and now I'd never know if they'd been looking for me. If they'd survive. The tears and grief threatened to overwhelm me. I couldn't dwell. It wouldn't help me, nothing would.
I'd never been a religious person, but I was hoping there was some sort of afterlife. At least then I'd be able to see everyone again. It might be the only bit of optimism I can summon, but I'll take what I can get.
Days 62, 63, and 64
I moved to one of the other houses. I needed a change of scenery. There was a bed, but I didn't check out the rest of the house. There could be zombies living in one of the other rooms for all I know. But I needed this. A place I hadn't been with them. It stopped the feelings from coming back.
I've not been able to do much, I can't remember what's real and what's not anymore. I can't feel the pain in my leg, but I'm struggling to feel much of anything. There's a wrongness around it. When I try and concentrate on it, I lose focus. My head seems to constantly be covered in sweat. I'm used to small droplets running through my hair and down my cheeks. It doesn't take away any of the heat.
I've been flicking through the diary. Trying to see any signs that I could have done something different. That my path didn't have to end up here. I wouldn't change a thing. Although maybe more washing would have been nice. It breaks me from the reality I'm living. The numbness and fever soon bring me crashing back down to reality. The cold, hard reality I'm living in. I've kept going for this long, that's got to count for something right?
I don't know how much more of this I can face. I don't know how much more I can record. This has been my only constant for so long. It's given me a purpose, something to do. Now, I feel like I'm being mocked. I'll be gone soon, and this diary will still be here. It's not helping me as much as it used to. It was almost like I was writing this for everyone, but with the hope of seeing its impact.
But now? I'll be lucky to live out the week. I won't even know if anyone reads this, if anyone tries to understand what we've been through. Will all these words have been for nothing? The thought depresses me more than I'd like to admit. But it's true. If I leave you here, will anyone find you? Will anyone find me? It might be the only option I have left.
Classified Dossier
Property of United Nation Officials
Report Language: English
Artefact #299
Description:
Diary of Anna Louise Smith. Real-life writings during the extended trial of the Zed Flu virus.
This diary is Artefact number 299 out of 5315 as part of the investigations held against the United Kingdom and her government. For a full list of evidence and artefacts retrieved, please consult the United Nations Library for digital records.
Dossier Report
The diary of Anna Louise Smith was found in Birdwood. The con
dition of this artefact implied it had been left for some time. A full sweep was done within a two square mile radius to determine if any other artefacts could be found. This search proved to be unsuccessful. The conclusion being no one else had left anything of value in this area to analyse as part of the ongoing investigations against the United Kingdom and her associates.
This diary has been carefully analysed by our experts to piece together the effects of the Zed Flu virus experiment in the field. Although there has been little insight from this particular document, we have been able to understand the widespread fear prevalent through this time. The virus was constructed to be passed via contact and was released without any consent from the United Kingdom subjects, or the rest of the world.
Our investigations have provided insight for this virus. This worked in a similar fashion to a parasite once access was gained to the victim’s blood stream. The test subjects, or initial victims, experienced significant mutations that removed all humanity and created a need to consume human flesh. This pushed the virus to spread much faster than lab trials had predicted. All attempts to cure those afflicted with the Zed Flu strain have been unsuccessful. This report finds the treatment of these citizens inhumane and contravenes the United Nations meaning of the sanctity of life.
This diary is one of many found during this trial period and shows chaos and confusion in all parts of the island. The controlled experiment brought forward by BioGen Labs Inc, the creators, and the United Kingdom government has proven to be ineffective in their hypothesised outcomes.
Major public figures were evacuated from the island nation prior to the first doses being administered, but only after a cure had been synthesised and distributed to those deemed worthy. Extensive notes and test results were seized from BioGen Labs Inc over the course of this investigation. This further condemns the experiment, and those who authorised it, as it was clear from the tests the extent to which this virus could run if left unsupervised.
Artefact 299: Accounts of the Zombie Apocalypse Page 10
