Carnage

by Lesley Jones

  I sip at my drink, enjoying the warmth as it slides down my throat and lands in my acrobatic belly, I watch as he drains his glass and pours himself another. “Are you with someone?” Ha, am I? Sean, yes I’m with Sean but only in my head, in real life, I’m alone, so fucking alone. “Georgia?”

  “No, no I’m not with anybody; I haven’t been with anybody for years. I’m very single.”

  “What about all the blokes you came into the wine bar with? You were with them.”

  I shrug my shoulders. “No I wasn’t, they were with me, but I was never with them.”

  He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I wish you’d tell me, if you told me, who, what, I mean give me a fucking clue here, even about us George. What do you want? Why did you come out with me tonight?”

  “You looked after me the other night, you’re getting my car sorted, I like you, I wanted to go out with you but I just can’t talk to you about him.”

  “So it is a bloke then?” I nod slightly; he drags one hand through his dark hair.

  “Well that’s a start at least. George look, I may be way out of line with this but I’ve gotta ask… This ain’t nothing to do with your brothers is it?”

  My stomach is now doing a pirouette as well as back flips, how does he know that?

  “They’ve never done anything, I mean, your brothers have never done anything, they’ve never touched you or anything have they?”

  What?

  “What, no, no, fuck no, my brothers are my, I love my brothers. What the fuck are you saying?”

  “Every time I mention them, I mean, the younger two, you freak out, I thought it had something to do with them, I thought they’d done something to ya. I’m sorry if I’m wrong but I had to ask.”

  “Fucking hell Cam, what sort of a family do you think I come from? What sort of person dya think I am? It’s nothing like that, nothing.”

  “Then what for fucks sake? I’m fucking lost George, everything I say is wrong, everything I say sends you off somewhere, I lose you for a few seconds or you look like you’re about to hyperventilate and I have no idea what it is that I’ve said that has caused that.”

  I feel terrible, I like him, I really do like him but I have no idea how far I’m willing to take this, if I’m willing to take this any further than a few dates and a few fucks, I’m just a mess and he deserves better.

  “It’s a bloke and I’m not over it, I’m not over him, I don’t know if I ever will be, no one else has ever come close. The others, Lee and the other nine I’ve strung along for the last six months were just…” I shrug and look around the room while I try to think of a word. “They were revenge, they were payback. They were me, trying to make myself feel better. They were me being a bad person.”

  “And is that what this is? Is that what I am, revenge? You trying to make yourself feel better?”

  “No!” I almost shout, because it’s not and I don’t want him to think that.

  “No Cam, that’s the problem, I like you, you’re the first.” Fuck, I think I might actually cry, for the first time in four years, I think I might actually cry. I swallow it down. “You’re the first since him that has made me feel anything, the others were nothing, I felt nothing. But you, you’re different and I’m struggling, I’ve never let anyone one in, I’ve not allowed myself to feel, I’ve never even cried… since him, not once.”

  He looks at me confused. “When was this, how long ago?”

  “Almost four years.”

  “You haven’t cried in four years?”

  “No,” I say quietly and shake my head.

  He comes around the breakfast bar and stands in front of where I’m sitting on the stool, he opens his legs, placing them either side of mine so that he can get closer and wraps his arms around me, pulling my head to his chest. “What the fuck did he do to you baby girl, what did he do? I want you to know, I want to make it better.”

  I tilt my head back so I can look at him. “Cam, I really do like you but you need to know, you need to understand.” I pause and shrug, trying to think of how to explain this. “There’s only him, it will always be him, there’s no room for anyone else, wherever we go with this, you need to understand that, my heart is sealed and there’s only him that’s locked inside.”

  He closes his eyes for a split second too long, like what I’ve just said has called him physical pain. “But you don’t know me Georgia; you haven’t had a chance to get to know me. If you let me, I will blow your mind baby.”

  He smiles at me, a full on sexy smile and I’ve no doubt that he is more than capable of blowing my mind, whether he can blow that wall down that’s around my heart is another thing.

  CHAPTER 12

  As horny as Cam makes me feel, he doesn’t stay over Saturday night; we talk for a bit longer and arrange to speak during the week. I’ve given him the number to the shop as well as my home, he has no idea what a big deal that is for me, I don’t give any blokes my number, none at all.

  I head over to my parents for lunch on Sunday and groan when I see my Mum sweeping the porch as I pull up in the taxi I’ve had to book. Jim picked me up for the dress fittings yesterday so I’ve been able to hide the fact that my car is off the road, until now. My Mum stops what she’s doing and leans on her broom while she watches me pay and get out of the cab.

  “Where’s your car George?”

  “Hello Mum, these are for you.” I hand her a bunch of carnations, her favourites.

  “Oh thanks babe, mmm, they smell beautiful. Where’s your car?”

  “Oh I left it at a friend’s last night, because I had too much to drink. He’s going to drop it back later. Is Bailey here?” I ask, noticing my brother’s Range Rover in the drive. I start to head into the house before she can say any more about the car.

  “Yeah, he’s in there somewhere, talking business with your Dad.”

  The house my parents now live in is a barn conversion, it’s absolutely beautiful, high ceilings and exposed beams; they had to adhere to all kinds of building regulations to get the job done and bring in a few specialists but the end result was spectacular. My favourite thing about it was the galleried landing that ran all around the upstairs, part of the flooring down stairs were the original flagstones and part was timber, it was sleek and modern but warm and cosy at the same time. I headed to my Dad’s office as this is where I could hear his and Bailey’s voices coming from, I put my head around the door, they both had their bums perched on the edge of my Dad’s huge desk. Thoughts of Cam and what we had almost done in his office Thursday night popped into my head and my cheeks instantly flushed, my Dad was sipping from a whisky tumbler, Bails was inspecting a shot gun, probably the latest edition to my Dad’s collection. He always kept guns and enjoyed shooting, game and clays but he had got into it even more since they moved. This house was on five acres, he had deer, pheasant and plenty of rabbits out the back, a huge pond and stables where my Mum kept here two horses, well one was mine, but I’d been very negligent lately and hadn’t ridden in weeks.

  “Ello Princess,” my Dad said as soon as he spotted me, he held his arms open and I walked right into them, breathing in the smell of him deeply. Drambuie and Tabac aftershave, no matter how many different designer aftershaves people bought him, my Dad always resorted back to his old favourite and I’m so glad that he did. To me that smell was home, safety, love and security, that smell was, when I was a little girl, how I assumed all Dad’s smelt and I loved it. He held me tight and breathed me in. “Fuckin’ ell Georgia, you’re skin and bone. What have you been doin’ to yourself? Your mother really needs to fatten you up.”

  “Thanks Dad, I love you too.” I pull away and give Bailey a cuddle and my head spins as I take in the smell of his Givenchy aftershave. “Big brother Bailey, how are you? I’ve missed ya, you smell lovely.”

  He squeezes me so hard I can hardly breathe. “Baby sister Georgia, how the fuck are you? It’s been way too long. Fuck, you’re skinny.”

  “Bai
ley, language please, it’s Sunday.” We all turn and laugh at my Mum; her and my Dad both grew up in Plaistow, my Dad still had a real cockney accent but my Mum spoke much nicer and had always corrected us on our grammar. I never dropped my H’s or said ain’t, grub or gissit… instead of give me it… around my Mum. When we travelled on business most people assumed we came from London but they had no idea which part and would never have guessed at my mother’s working class roots. I most definitely wasn’t posh but around my Mum, I wasn’t common either, away from my Mum and work was an entirely different story.

  “Mum, what difference does it make what day of the week it is, swearing is swearing, if your mate the Big G Man up there, don’t like it, then he don’t like it any day, not especially on a Sunday.”

  “His name is God, Bailey Michael Layton, or our holy father and you should be more respectful. Francis, talk to your son.” My Mum was still a practising Catholic, my Dad not so much, we had all been christened in the Catholic Church and educated through the Catholic school system but none of us went to church, unless it was to make my Mum happy.

  Jimmie and Lennon’s wedding was being held at the Catholic Cathedral in Brentwood and I knew from family weddings I had attended in the past that it was at least a two hour ceremony, well at least they always felt that long. This next wedding would be excruciatingly long; Sean and I, both of us, standing in a church, watching two of the people we love most in the world get married. Well it would be agony for me, he probably wouldn’t give a shit but then again, Jimmie did say a while back that he did still ask after me and Len said he’d got drunk and cried. What hurt me more than anything was the way he’d given up. He called a lot in the beginning but only for a few weeks and he never wrote or came round when I knew the boys were in England. Perhaps if he’d tried harder to convince me he was sorry, maybe things would be different, maybe I would’ve come to terms with things a little better. I don’t know, it was all too much to think about, I had gone to sleep last night wondering if my young, immature, sixteen year old self had just over reacted at the time. Were my expectations of fidelity and faithfulness way too high? I just don’t know and for the rest of today at least, I wasn’t going to think about any of it, or at least try not to.

  Sunday lunch was as always when my Mum cooked it, absolutely perfect, later in the afternoon, Jimmie and Lennon came over, Bailey was living at my parent’s at the moment as he had recently split with his long term girlfriend Donna and was looking for somewhere new to live.

  Despite my brothers all living elsewhere now, my Dad had still had one of the stables converted into a soundproofed studio, it’s where we all sat now. Me lying with my head on Baileys lap as we both sat on the old Chesterfield sofa. Len sat on a bean bag, strumming on an old acoustic guitar that had belonged to one of my brothers and Jim lay on the floor flicking through yet another bridal magazine. Bail’s passed the joint he was smoking down to me and I took a long draw on it, getting stoned and chilling the fuck out with my brothers was exactly what I needed to do today. Len stood up and came and took the joint from me.

  “How about you share the love baby sister?”

  “Happy to share big bro, just can’t be arsed to get up and pass it to ya.”

  “Lazy cow.”

  “Yep, that’s me.”

  He plonked himself back down in the bean bag and smoked and strummed, the strumming started to turn into an actual tune. Jimmie rolled over onto her back then jumped up and took the joint from Len, I watched as she took a draw and shook her head at him slightly, the song was probably something by Carnage I assumed by her reaction but I was well on my way to being shitfaced so I actually didn’t care too much. Jimmie must’ve known what I needed and passed the joint back to me, I took one more draw and passed it back to Bails.

  “Oh my God, I forgot to ask, how did your date go?” Jim squealed from her spot on the floor.

  Bailey turned my head with his hands so that I was looking up into his face. “You finally back in the game and dating George?” I shrug and blush.

  “Who was your date with G, anyone we know?”

  “I told ya, she had a date with the bloke from the wine bar,” Jimmie replies to Len.

  “What wine bar did you meet him in?” Bailey looks down and asks me.

  “The one he owns,” Jimmie piped up again, I sat up straight.

  “Fuck me George, you said that without moving your lips,” Bailey joked.

  “Get you, going out with a bloke that owns a wine bar.”

  “It’s a wine bar Len, not a rock band.”

  Len raised his eyebrows at my remark. “I wasn’t being sarcastic George.”

  I shrugged, I don’t know why I’d said that out loud but it was true, it was just a wine bar, nothing to do with a rock band.

  “Which one?” Bailey asked. “Which wine bar does he own?”

  “Kings,” I reply.

  “You’re dating Cameron King, seriously, fuck George, does the old man know?” Lennon asks. How does he know Cam I wonder?

  “You are kidding Georgia; you aren’t seriously dating Cameron King are you?’

  “Yes, well no, I went on a date with him last night, he took me to dinner. How do you two know Cam?” Bailey is standing up now and standing over me and I don’t like the way this conversation is going.

  “Georgia, everybody knows Cam, you do know who he is right?” I shake my head and shrug my shoulders. “Cameron King owns half of London and most of Essex, he’s partners with us in Kings but only because his wife’s sister sold us her share and he couldn’t do anything about it. Does Dad know? He’s dangerous George, I mean it, he’s fucking dangerous.”

  Baileys pacing the floor in front of me, I don’t understand what his problem is; Cam’s a nice bloke, from what I know of him. Why didn’t he tell me he was in partnership with my Dad? Why the fuck didn’t he tell me he had a wife?

  “He’s married?” I swear Jimmie could read my mind.

  Bailey shook his head. “He was she’s dead.”

  What the fuck?

  “What, how did she die?”

  Bailey scratched at the stubble on his jaw. “I don’t remember all the details, she was pregnant and it all went tits up, her and the baby both died, he was a mess, he was completely fucked up by it all, he’s only sorted himself out this last couple of years. Did you not know none of this?”

  No I didn’t, he’d mentioned that he knew my Dad; surely he must have guessed that I would find out. Did he want me to find out like this? I felt a little hurt but then at the end of the day, I hadn’t been exactly forthcoming with the details of my past.

  “It was our first date; it’s not exactly first date conversation is it?”

  Bailey stops pacing and looks at me. “No sorry it’s not. Look George, I know this is bollocks but you really do need to stay away from him, he’s bad news, Dad will go mental and he’s way too old for you anyway.”

  “How old is he?”

  “You went out with him and you didn’t even know how old he was?”

  I shrug and shake my head again. “Just tell me Bailey, how fuckin’ old is he?”

  “I’m not sure, he’s older than me, I think he’s about thirty-five, thirty-six, too old for you and Dad will not be happy when he finds out, I’m not happy George.”

  “What’s Dad’s problem with him?”

  “Our paths have crossed his a few times, he owns a few bars and clubs, and he’s got quite a lot of fingers in quite a lot of pies. He owned Kings with his wife, and when she died it went to her sister, I forget her name but she’s a right bitch, hates him with a passion, and blames him for her sister’s death. Anyway, she got her sisters share of the club, King wanted to buy her out but she wouldn’t let him, she wanted to sell to anyone but him.” He shrugs. “She just wanted to fuck him over, we heard she was looking for a buyer, put in an offer and she took it but as part of the deal, we can’t sell on to him for at least ten years, he offered Dad all sorts but the club does well so
why wouldn’t we want in, he made a few threats at first but he was such a mess at the time that we didn’t take them seriously. Anyway, he has nothing to do with the place, it’s his in name only, pretty much the same as us, we own it but the club runs itself. We have people we trust in there and no doubt so does he but I’m telling you now George, Dad won’t be happy if he finds out you’re seeing him.”

  I don’t believe this, my brain is running in slow mode, I’m too stoned to think it all over right now, I slump back down into the sofa and let out a huff, Jimmie throws herself down next to me. “Well that’s fuckin’ bollocks, do you like him G? You seemed excited yesterday, about your date I mean.”

  “Excited is pushing it a bit Jim, I fucked it all up anyway, he asked about what Lennon and Marley did for work and I went into meltdown.”

  Jim takes my hand in hers. “Oh George, I am sorry, all this time. I really wish you’d talk to him George, you’re both so unhappy, if you’d just talk, even if you don’t get back together, you might at least sort out some of your issues so you can both move on.”

  I look down at where our fingers are laced together; my other hand is at my necklace. “How is he Jim?” I’d never, not in almost four years, no matter how desperately I wanted to know, asked her this.

  “He’s sad George, he gets on with his days, he writes songs that are so obviously about you, he drinks too much, he snorts too much Charlie, he smokes too much weed, he fucks too many women but all just to try and forget you.”

  Lennon is listening to what we are saying, he passes the joint to me that he’s just fired up. “I really wish you two would talk before the wedding Porge, I don’t want the pair of you not enjoying the day because you’re worrying about the other one being there.”

  “I’ll be fine.” I shrug. I won’t, I’ll be far from fine but I didn’t want Jim and Lennon worrying about how I’d be handling their big day.

  “You’ve been sayin’ that for nearly four years G and look at ya, you’re skinny as fuck and still can’t bear to hear his name mentioned, this whole thing between the two of you is seriously fucked.”