Carnage

by Lesley Jones

  Bailey is lying on the floor with his long legs stretched out in front of him and his head resting on the bean bag. “I’m sorry George, I didn’t realise you were still such a mess over Sean.”

  “Shush!” Jimmie glared at Bails. “We don’t say his name when Georgia’s here.”

  “You’re fuckin’ kiddin’ me right?” His eyes looked between all of us, I shook my head.

  “We don’t say his name, we don’t talk about the band, and we don’t play music.”

  Bailey was sitting up now with his elbows resting on his knees. “Why Porge, why?”

  My eldest brother hadn’t been around to witness how close Sean and I had become over the years; he had no idea how deep our love had become. “Because I love him so much Bails, because it still hurts so fuckin’ much, because I am still, just barely hanging on.”

  “Oh Georgia, I’m so sorry, I had no fuckin’ idea, I’m your big brother, I should’ve been here instead of letting Donna keep me away, I’m so fuckin’ sorry baby girl.” He pulls me down onto the floor, into his lap, everyone in the room is crying, everyone except me.

  “What the fuck is that?” I ask as I hear a rumbling sound coming from outside, Bailey frowns.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Oh fuck.”

  Lennon stands up and looks from me to Jimmie, she shakes her head slightly at him and they both sit down on the sofa. “Ha, it’s a bike, it must be Marley, fuck I can’t remember the last time we were all together.”

  “Marley has a bike?” I ask, I know nothing about the life of the brother I was once so close to, I didn’t even know that he was in the country. I really need to start building bridges with him, there were less than three months until the wedding and I didn’t want any kind of an atmosphere between us on the day. I’d been thinking about this for a while now and if he was here now, well today was as good a day as any to make a start. The sound of the engine had gone quiet.

  “He’ll go in and see the rents first, skin up Bails.” Lennon stated, yeah I thought, skin up Bails, talking to my brother again after almost four years would be so much easier to do stoned, I actually giggled to myself as I thought this.

  Jimmie looked at me and smiled. “You mashed Georgia?”

  I giggle again. “Fuck Jamie, I think I am.”

  We lean into each other like we used to back in the day, the door to the studio swings open and in walks Marley, Sean, and two girls. My world stops turning and without any hesitation, consideration or thought of any kind I just look at him and say on a sob. “No, oh God no.”

  “Fuck Gia.” He starts to move toward me.

  “Get out!” Bailey roars at him.

  “Georgia!” he calls out.

  “Get the fuck out Maca!”

  “No Bails, let me talk to her, G, please, can we talk G, and I just wanna talk.” I don’t know what to do; my eyes just roam over his face, his eyes, his nose, his chin, his beautiful face that I have missed so much, so very much.

  “What do you wanna do George, shall I fuck him off out of it or dya wanna talk to him?” I take a few deep breaths, trying to steady my voice before I ask him to stay.

  “Who the fuck’s she Maca?” The girl standing just inside the door asks, she’s short and blonde, with massive tits. Haley, she looks just like Haley, I can’t do this.

  “Get out!” he shouts at the girl. “Get out, get out, get out!” She looks stunned but turns around and leaves, his eyes swing back to mine, pleadingly. “G, please baby, just talk to me, I miss you so much, so fuckin’ much.”

  “Go,” I whisper.

  “No G, no, please, just five minutes, there’s so much I need to tell ya, I love you so much Gia.”

  “Go Sean, go!” I scream. Bailey knocks me off his lap as he throws himself toward him.

  “Get the fuck out, you’ve hurt her enough, no more Maca, no fuckin’ more, else I swear I will kill you with my bare hands you cunt.”

  I stand up but the room spins so I sit, Jimmie is next to me on the sofa, she’s sobbing, Len and Bailey are trying to drag Sean out of the door but he’s fighting them and calling my name and there to the left is Marley, standing all alone and just sobbing and shaking his head and my heart try’s its very hardest to break into even more pieces but it’s packed so tightly together behind that wall, that try as it might, it’s held in place, still and hard by all those bricks. I want to cry, I want to go to Marley and tell him that I don’t blame him, I want to go to Sean and tell him its okay, I forgive him and I want to be with him. Instead I wrap my arms around myself and scream and scream at every one to go and then finally, after so very long, I cry, Jimmie holds me while I cry, then my Mum is there and I cry, there is so much commotion going on outside. I can hear my brothers shouting, I can hear my Dad shouting but above all, I can hear Sean shouting and calling out my name.

  My Doctor said it needed to happen, that I had held things in for far too long and what happened over the next few days, needed to happen. Basically what I had was a bit of a breakdown; I spent a couple of days in my old room at my parents, doing nothing but cry, then another couple of days staring into space, finally on Thursday I got up and showered, I pulled on a pair of trackies and a sweatshirt that I had at my Mums and went downstairs. I looked a mess, I had barely eaten, my eyes were puffy and my face blotchy from all the crying but I actually felt okay. My Mum had given me a couple of Valium Sunday night and a couple more on Monday so those days had gone by in a blur. Jim had been and sat with me Tuesday; Ash came over for a while on Tuesday night. I’d asked my Mum if she would call Marley and ask him to come and see me on Monday but I hadn’t heard anything from him. I’d fallen asleep around ten o’clock after Ash had come over again on Wednesday and when I woke at about two in the morning, he was there, sitting in the chair next to my bed, watching me sleep.

  For some reason I was freezing, so I smiled at him and said, “Marley George Layton, would you please get in here and give me a cuddle, I’m freezing my fuckin’ tits off.”

  He smiled back and said, “Fuck, it must be cold, coz you’ve got some fuckin’ tits to freeze off there girl.”

  He kicked off his shoes and got into bed next to me, repeating an act that we had carried out throughout our lives, up until these past five or six years. We both lay on our sides and I spooned into his back.

  “Don’t you dare fart on me,” I told him.

  “Oh please George, don’t make out, we all know you’re the farter of the family.”

  “Yeah right Marls, anyway, at least when I fart it smells of roses, yours smells like something crawled up your backside and died.”

  “Hark at you, fuckin’ Avon arse.”

  We both fell silent after trading insults, then I quietly said. “Marls?”

  “Porge?”

  “I’m so glad you’re here.”

  “I’m so glad you wanted me here.”

  “Let’s never not talk again.”

  “No problem.”

  “Porge?”

  “Marls?”

  “I am so sorry for everything.”

  “I know you are Marls, let’s go to sleep.”

  I slept soundly the entire night with my brother there to look after me; when I woke in the morning he was gone but I now felt like I was done with the crying and ready to face the world again.

  My Mum was sitting on a stool at the bench top, flicking through a magazine when I walked into the kitchen, the radio was playing and my Mum instinctively lent across to turn it off as I came into the room. “Morning, its fine Mum, leave it on, please.”

  She beamed. “Are you sure George?’

  “I’m positive Mum, what time did Marley go?”

  “He left about five, he had a flight to catch, they’re on a chat show or something in Ireland tonight.” I proceeded to make myself a coffee, aware of my Mums eyes on me.

  “Thanks for looking after me Mum, sorry for all the trouble.”

  “Georgia, you’re my daughter, looking after you
will never be any trouble, I’m your mother, it’s my job to look after you.” I give her a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek. “You’ve had a lot of calls here and at the shop and someone called Cam dropped your keys off, Ash bought them over with her; they’re on the hall table.”

  Shit, Cam, I would have to get in touch with him and explain where I’d been all week. I nodded as my Mum reeled off the messages, they were mainly from the girls at work, then she said, “Sean has called a couple of times a day, every day, he begged to come and see you but your Dad and Bailey were having none of it, but what do you want George? Do you want to see him? If it’s going to set you off again, then I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  She watched me, waiting on an answer as I sipped some more of my coffee. “Seeing him won’t set me off, I don’t think anything will set me off like that again, I don’t know why I reacted like that but, it won’t happen again.”

  “I do,” my Mum stated. “Because you bottled everything up, you can’t do that George, you need to open up a little bit, let us all back in, we love you and we all want to help you move on. Who’s this Cam? Ash said he’s really nice.” Oh shit, how do I explain this one? “He’s really nice Mum but I don’t know if he’s for me.”

  “Why, you need to move on Georgia, you really do; Sean’s not spent the last four years sitting around moping, he’s in the paper nearly every day with a different girl on his arm, all of them stunning… slutty looking but stunning.”

  “Mum! I said I was ready to see him, I don’t want to hear about his love life or the women he’s shagging and as for Cam, well Bailey’s not happy, he knows him and has told me I’m not to see him again.”

  “Bailey said that?”

  “Yes Mum.”

  “Why, why on earth would he say that?”

  “Because it’s Cameron King Mum, the bloke I went out with Saturday night is Cameron King.”

  My Mum’s mouth actually fell open.

  “Oh shit, fucking hell Georgia, your Dad will go berserk.” I let out a long sigh, my Mum just swore, that meant it was bad, very bad if it had made my Mum swear.

  “Yes Mum, that’s pretty much what Bailey said but he didn’t swear.”

  I looked at my Mum pointedly; I would have got into so much trouble for swearing like that. “Well, I’m sorry George, I’m just saying it like it is, I understand the attraction, Cameron King is bloody gorgeous but you need to stay away from him, he’s a dangerous bloke to be around, he’s involved in all sorts, he runs all these raves that the kids go to out in the middle of a field.” What was she on about?

  “Mum, Cam runs a perfectly respectable wine bar, why would he be organising raves?”

  “Because of the drugs Georgia, he organises the raves so his people can sell their drugs to all the kids, your Dad thinks I don’t know about any of this stuff but of course I bloody know I’m not stupid.”

  “What has this got to do with Dad?”

  “George, really, you are not stupid enough to think that our lifestyle is provided by your Dad’s building firm and a couple of car fronts are you?” I look at her, totally confused.

  “Well he’s got the clubs and the pubs and the gym and the houses he rents out.”

  “George, they’re all a front, well most of them are. Your Dad has many sources of income, all of those you just mentioned plus he’s got a couple of brothels and a sex shop in Soho, he’s into all sorts George, your Dad is a bit of a wheeler and dealer and it’s made him very rich, I thought as you got older, you would have worked all this out.” Shit, no I hadn’t, how stupid was I?

  “I thought he was an entrepreneur, that’s what he told me when I was little, that he was an entrepreneur.” Of course my Dad’s dealings were dodgy, why else would he have a driver and at least one minder with him all the time, how else had he always been able to ‘pull a few strings’ to get things done, all of my life and how had I been oblivious to this fact?

  “Well he is I suppose, it’s just some of his ventures aren’t exactly legal, that’s why everything to do with our little business is in mine and your names only, there’s nothing to trace it back to your Dad at all but anyway, aside from all of that, your Dad’s dealings have bought him into contact with Cameron King over the years. They’ve fallen out a few times but I think at the moment things are polite between them, they are businessmen from different companies to term it loosely, one company is always looking to take over the other, both looking to be head of the company or more to the point, Governor of the manor.” She folds her arms across her chest.

  “George, if Dad found out you were seeing Cam, things could get nasty and I’m not being overly dramatic when I say that.”

  Bloody hell, all this time… all this time I’ve not allowed myself feel anything for anyone and the minute I do, it’s someone my parents don’t approve of and Sean just happens to pop up and make an unexpected, with a Whorely lookalike in tow. Added to all of this, is the fact that Cam must have known I’d find all of this out. Why didn’t he warn me? Why didn’t he let me know of his business connections with my family?

  “Mum, it was just one date, it’s not like we’ve booked the church for our wedding. We just had dinner.”

  My Mum tucks a stray lock of my hair behind my ear and runs her fingertips over the side of my face. “Well you obviously had an effect on him during that one date; Ash said that he has been in the shop twice a day, every day to find out how you are.”

  “How the bloody hell did he know I was sick?” Great, all I want is Cam knowing about my little melt down, he already thinks I have screw lose after my little performance Saturday night. I can’t help but wonder if opening up just a little bit to him, was the catalyst for this little breakdown of mine.

  “Well I phoned Ash to let her know that you wouldn’t be about this week because you were sick. That was on Monday morning, then apparently Cam came into the shop Monday afternoon looking for you. He said he’d called at the flat Sunday night, had phoned you and was worried, she explained that you were sick and staying here, he hasn’t called here for obvious reasons and instead called into the shop every morning and every afternoon to ask how you were doing.”

  She gestures toward the dining table with her head. “And they’ve been arriving every morning since Monday.” I look towards the table, which isn’t actually visible, due to the fact that there are around twelve vases of flowers covering it.

  “Shit!” My Mum actually doesn’t reprimand my swearing for the first time ever.

  “Oh there’s more.” She gestures toward the fireplace. “I had to go out and buy more vases yesterday.”

  There must be at least another eight vases covering the hearth and mantle of my parents huge brick fireplace but these flowers are different, the ones on the table are big bouquets of mixed flowers, the ones on the fireplace are just white Arum lilies, my favourite flower, I get the usual head spin and belly roll the instant I think about him and I swallow hard but I’m okay; I look towards my Mum.

  “Sean?” I don’t know why I’m asking, because I already know. She nods her head.

  “He’s called daily, he really wants to see you George but your Dad won’t hear of it, he thinks you need time, he wants to send you away on a holiday, a week in Marbella or Portugal, a bit of time away from work and all of this.” She gestures toward the flowers. “Wait till he finds out about Cam, he’ll be wanting to send you to Auntie Kath in Australia for a year.”

  A holiday sounds good but I need to try and get my head a little straighter first, what do I feel about Cam now that I know what I do and am I ready to talk to Sean? “Oh Georgia, you’re so grown up in many ways and so naïve in so many others, I forget you’re only twenty sometimes, everything that went on between you and Sean, you were both so young, I feel so guilty about it, I should have protected you more.”

  “Protected me from what Mum, love? How do you protect someone from love?”

  “It’s not the love that’s the problem George; it’s the hea
rtache that goes with it. You were so convinced that Sean was the one, I just let you get on with it.”

  “Mum, please try and understand, Sean is the one, there is and never will be anyone else, he’s been the one since the day I first clapped eyes on him when I was eleven years old and there’s nothing, you or anyone else can ever do to change that fact.”

  “I know George… I know and it scares me, I’m scared for you. That you’ll go through life, never loving like that again.”

  I shrug my shoulders. “I’ve survived the last four years.”

  My Mum shakes her head. “No you haven’t George, you’ve existed and you’ve only just about done that and I want more than that for you. I want you to fall in love again, get married, have babies; I don’t want you to just exist.”

  My Mum twirls my hair in her fingers and I think of Cam, Sean, Cam, Sean, Cam, it’s making me bloody dizzy, still better than just being stuck on Sean, Sean, Sean all the time. “But in saying all that,” my Mum continues, “I don’t want you and Sean getting back together if he’s going to carry on the way he is and for you to just accept it. I bought you up better than that George, I know that the money and the power that goes hand in hand with what your Dad does attracts women, women that would give and do anything to be in my place and I’m not stupid, I’m sure that there have been times that your Dad has strayed but he’s never done it openly or blatantly. I’ve never heard so much as a whisper of him ever being unfaithful and it’s still my bed he comes home to every night but I don’t know if Sean is capable of that, I don’t doubt he loves you George, I think he loves you with a passion beyond reason but I don’t know if he’s strong enough to resist all the temptation that’s put in his way, and I wouldn’t want to see you go through that.”

  I let out a big long sigh, I’ve been so busy these last four years, concentrating on shutting everyone out, avoiding any kind of emotions, trying to just survive each and every painful day, that I have failed to notice the effect all of this has had on the people that care about me. I love my parents and hate the fact that I am causing them so much worry. “Mum, I have no plans to get back with Sean.”