The Stranger's Woes

by Max Frei

  “Don’t suck up to me, boy,” said Lady Sotofa, laughing. “You don’t have to because I love you anyway. Give me your hand, and I’ll take you into the garden. You could have learned to open our Secret Doors already. It’s not a difficult trick.”

  She took me by the hand and pulled me to the wall.

  “Try not to close your eyes now. It’s time you learned a few simple things.”

  For my obedience, I was rewarded with something extraordinary. I saw Lady Sotofa’s blue-and-white looxi dissolve in the dark stones of the wall like sugar in a cup of coffee. Then the wall appeared so close to my face that I couldn’t see anything. Or, rather, I saw too much: some barely noticeable scratches on the dark stones, small pieces of dust, and something else—tiny, nimble, alive, and, it seemed, even aggressive. The thought that this must be what germs looked like passed through my mind. Lady Sotofa laughed, a thin branch flicked me across the nose, and I realized that I was on the other side of the wall, in the Jafax garden.

  “Oh, goodness me!” Lady Sotofa couldn’t stop laughing. “‘Germs’!” Dark Magicians only know how many novices I have taught to walk through the Secret Door, but I’ve never heard anything like this before.”

  I also laughed. Sure I had said (or thought) something incomparably stupid, but I was still pleased with myself. Sometimes we need to say silly things just to stimulate a warm and friendly atmosphere.

  “Aren’t you glad I came?” I said.

  “And how!” said Lady Sotofa. She stopped laughing very abruptly and gave me a penetrating look. “You know, Max, your charm will be the end of you. Don’t tease Eternity with your cute little smile. It’ll backfire.”

  “I’m sorry?” I said, perplexed.

  “Oh, never mind,” she said, and smiled again. “I fancied I saw something. I’ll tell you some other time.”

  “Some other time,” I said, still bewildered. “I still don’t understand.”

  “It’s for the better. Come to my office and I’ll treat you to some horrible kamra, brewed according to the recipe of the late great-grandmother of the current keeper of the Country Home tavern. You went there when you were in Kettari, right?”

  “Oh yes, that was when Shurf left all our money in the back room. He just had to play some Krak, you see. But they had excellent kamra there. Don’t slander your wonderful homeland.”

  “Oh my, you liked it?” said Lady Sotofa. “Then again, it’s easier to love someone else’s homeland than your own.”

  “That’s true. My romance with my own homeland turned out to be a disaster.”

  “You’re not the only one, so don’t fret,” said Lady Sotofa as she opened the door of a cute garden house for me. “Most people are born in places that are completely unlivable for them. Fate just loves to play pranks like that. Sit down, Max, and take a sip of this kamra. Praise be the Magicians, it’s ready. When did I manage to brew it, I wonder?”

  “Are you making miracles unbeknownst to yourself?” I said, tasting the thick, hot drink with pleasure. “I forget, Lady Sotofa, is it all right if I smoke here?”

  “Only tobacco from another World,” the wonderful old lady said sternly. “I find the smoke of our local tobacco completely unbearable.”

  “So do I,” I said, producing a pack of cigarettes from the pocket of my Mantle of Death.

  I was gradually running out of my Kettarian supplies, a generous gift from the old Sheriff Mackie Ainti, but this wasn’t a big deal anymore. I had learned the lessons of Sir Maba Kalox very well, and could probably fetch a pack of cigarettes from the Chink between Worlds without too much sweat.

  “So, what kinds of secrets did you want to learn from me?” Lady Sotofa said as she sat down across from me.

  “Well,” I said, “you’re going to laugh at me.”

  “Oh, may that be the worst misfortune you suffer in your life.”

  “There are some things I still don’t understand,” I said. “First, what’s the Spirit of Xolomi? Why does it feel like ‘dancing,’ and how are Juffin and Shurf going to rein it in?”

  “They’re just going to hold it by the head and the legs,” Lady Sotofa said very seriously. “How else?”

  “It has a head and legs?” I said.

  “The Spirit of Xolomi has a head, legs, and other things that any respectable Spirit would have. As for your other questions, you know, Max, one can see the Spirit of Xolomi and observe its destructive power. One can even counteract the destructive power, which that sly old fox Juffin and his Mad Fishmonger have already done once before. I have no reason to doubt that they will be able to do it now. By the way, our ancient kings were able to tame the Spirit of Xolomi on their own, without any outside help. But this doesn’t mean that a person is able to explain to you what the Spirit of Xolomi is, why it fancies throwing a party every so often, and why it would wish to leave its own abode in ruins, not to mention the entire City of Echo. Some things are simply beyond explanation. Are you disappointed?”

  “But is it really that dangerous?” I said. “Are you absolutely sure that Juffin and Shurf can keep it at bay?”

  “Of course they can. I wish I had your worries, boy,” said Lady Sotofa, laughing. “You don’t know Juffin very well yet. If he doubted his own abilities, he wouldn’t even go there. He would have sneaked off to some other World and watched how it all ended from there.”

  “Really? He’d do that?”

  “Yes, he would. And that shouldn’t surprise you. Learn to see through people, boy. Someday you’re going to need it. Now, what about question number two? Well, never mind. I know what you’re going to ask. You want to know what you’re supposed to do now since Juffin offloaded so much responsibility onto you, right?”

  “Something like that, yes. But considering what you’ve just told me, it looks like it’s not that relevant. You know, it never really occurred to me until now that anything could happen to this wonderful World, that it could end just like that, at the drop of a hat. Knowing that makes my problems at work seem—”

  “Any World can end at any minute, and when it happens, it happens precisely in that manner—at the drop of a hat,” said Lady Sotofa. “When you think about it, all other problems pale in comparison, don’t you think?”

  “I do,” I said with a sigh. “You sure know how to cheer a person up, Lady Sotofa.”

  “Oh, my goodness, now this nice young man will suffer for the rest of the day,” said Lady Sotofa, smiling. “Don’t go borrowing trouble. Drink your kamra before it gets cold.”

  Three minutes later I got pretty tired of worrying about the fate of the World, and I laughed, to my own surprise.

  “I think I know why Juffin made me his deputy. If the World could end any minute now, it doesn’t really matter what kind of a mess I make in just twelve days.”

  “Quick learner, my boy!” said Lady Sotofa. “That’s how I was going to answer your second question, if you had asked.”

  Soon, it was time to say goodbye to the wonderful Lady Sotofa. She walked me to the invisible Secret Door in the wall around Jafax.

  “Don’t bother yourself with the fate of the World,” she said. “What you really need to do is to look after your shaggy, disheveled head. And remember, don’t tease Eternity. It’s already studying you with acute interest.”

  “Huh?” I shuddered. It was the second time this powerful witch with the manners of a loving grandmother had mentioned Eternity, which I was apparently “teasing.”

  “Never mind that,” she said with a sigh, and suddenly gave me a quick hug, as if she were parting with a son going off to war. “Go take care of your silly duties, boy. And don’t worry, you won’t fail. Ever.”

  I went back to Headquarters feeling very confused. It was the first time that a conversation with Lady Sotofa had left a weight on my heart. But which heart? I wondered.

  “Oh, here’s our Venerable Head,” said Melifaro, jumping down from my desk. He looked at me seriously, but his eyes were laughing. “Officer Melifaro reporti
ng: nothing happened on my shift, sir! I mean, literally, nothing. Even the police are loafing. Kofa came by. He says that the citizens already know whose bottom is now occupying Sir Juffin Hully’s chair. And they are almost sure that you kill people on the spot for the slightest misdemeanor. I guess Echo’s criminals decided to take a break and wait for Juffin to return. They were used to him.”

  “Good, good,” I said. “They should take their kids to the zoo, if there is one in Echo, which I doubt. They need a vacation like anyone else.”

  The accursed weight finally fell from my heart. I even thought I heard it hit the ground. The best remedy for metaphysical worries is two glances at Sir Melifaro before meals. And it’s best to chase them down with something strong.

  I said, “Has Kofa left already?”

  “Of course. Our Master Eavesdropper-Gobbler is back at his post. He’s probably munching away on delicacies in some tavern. I don’t know what kinds of secrets he’s uncovering, but I’m sure that when he moves his jaw, the walls start trembling.”

  “We should follow his example,” I said, and beckoned to Melifaro with my index finger. “Let’s go.”

  “Where?” Melifaro said, wrapping himself in his dreadful yellow looxi.

  “To the Juffin’s Dozen. I want to bring another client to that terrible Moxi. Maybe he won’t smack me with his horrible ladle. What’s more, I hope that surly man will give me a free drink since I’m going to do him a favor.”

  “Whoa, are these the new rules?” said Melifaro. “Did I hear you right? You’re leaving your post during working hours, but you’re not going to the Glutton Bunba? That’s bold. Very bold.”

  “You heard right, mister. I’m the greatest hero of all times and places, didn’t you know?”

  This bravado was a sign that I was almost myself again—the flippant dimwit. Frankly, I was only too happy with that development. Given that the World could end any second now—ready or not, here I come.

  I returned to the House by the Bridge about three hours later. I let Melifaro go “have some fun,” as he put it.

  Pondering the situation a bit, I realized that I was a lousy boss. My subordinates were loafing around Magicians knew where, and I was back in the office. Strictly speaking, it should have been the other way around.

  “What’s up, smarty?” I said to Kurush as I placed a parcel with pastries beside him. “Anything happen?”

  “No,” said the buriwok, digging his bill into a pastry.

  Soon I was cursing myself for doing this, as I was trying to clean the sticky cream off his bill. An hour later, Kofa came in. He immediately grasped the situation and laughed a good-natured laugh.

  “If you had your way, you would dismiss the entire City Police Department, too, and try to do their work singlehandedly. You’re so humane it’s almost disgusting.”

  “Is it really?”

  “Oh, yes. Want a piece of advice? Order me to take your chair and go home. I’m sure Tekki’s waiting for you.”

  “I’m sure she is,” I said, and heaved a sigh. “Is my humanistic nature catching?”

  “You might say that. I’ll be honest with you, though: I’m going to keep Lady Kekki Tuotli company. Tonight is her shift, so you, Sir Venerable Head, are only going to get in my way.”

  “Well, well, well, I turned out to be a good matchmaker, huh?” I said enthusiastically.

  “You are, indeed. Seriously, Max, you can go home with a clean conscience. Juffin, by the way, usually leaves work at around dusk.”

  “I guess you’re right,” I said.

  I got up, smiled at Kofa, and opened the door. “Good night, Kofa.”

  The Armstrong & Ella was very crowded. It surprised me at first, but then I realized that I hadn’t had the chance to stop in at dusk in a long while. Usually, I was just getting to work at this time of day.

  On a barstool, dozing off, sat my friend Anday Pu. He had become a regular at this place recently. That in itself was surprising because Tekki served no food. Is he on a diet? I thought. Echo’s star reporter was soused to the eyeballs.

  “Am I dreaming?” said Tekki. “What a surprise!”

  “You can say that again,” I said, sitting on a stool next to Anday, who reeked of drink. “I thought I wouldn’t make it back here for another dozen days or so, but the Heavens, assisted by Sir Kofa, had other plans for me. It’s too bad this place is packed. To tell you the truth, I had some fantastic plans for tonight.”

  “They’re leaving pretty soon,” said Tekki. “I’m telling you, they come here every night with only one thing on their minds: to watch you flirt with me. Now their dreams have finally come true.”

  She was right. A half hour later the place was empty and Tekki and I were alone, serenaded by Anday’s snoring.

  “This guy can sleep all the way through until morning if you don’t touch him,” said Tekki, sighing. “No wonder, though, considering that he’s been poisoning his body since noon today.”

  “What is his problem?” I said, shaking Anday by the shoulder. “What’s wrong, you ancestor of Ukumbian pirates? Life is good—life in general, and yours in particular. Haven’t you been burning like a comet for a little too long today, Blackbeard Junior?”

  “You keep coming up with these otherworldly names for me,” said Anday, still sleepy. “You still don’t catch a thing.”

  “But I do,” I said. “Depression again?”

  “Max, would it kill you to buy me a ticket to Tasher?” said Anday. “I want to go south. It’s warm, and—”

  “And they appreciate poets there. I know, you told me. I’d love to think that they appreciate poets somewhere. How come you can’t buy the ticket yourself? As far as I know, you get one heck of a paycheck from Sir Rogro. I’m afraid the newspaper will go bust just trying to keep up with your salary.”

  “It keeps disappearing. Somewhere. You know, those little round metal things. I just don’t catch where,” said Anday. “The dinner is totally over.”

  Tekki and I spent three hours and learned just two simple, indisputable truths: Mr. Anday Pu wanted to go south because it was warm there. And in Echo nobody can “catch” anything. The rest of the night, however, was ours and ours alone—something that I considered to be a rare and lucky event.

  A call from Sir Kofa Yox woke me up in the morning. I didn’t get enough sleep again, but Kofa was very persistent.

  I know it’s unforgivable of me to call like this, but the sooner you come to the House by the Bridge the better.

  Okay, if you say it’s important, then I’m sure it is. Could you please order some kamra for me at the Glutton? I won’t be able to get any at home at this point.

  I already ordered it. Come on, Sir Max, show us your top speed.

  “I will,” I said out loud, addressing the bottle of Elixir of Kaxar would save my life once again. Back home in my World, where I had only black coffee at my disposal, I would have given up the ghost long before from chronic exhaustion, given my crazy schedule. Here, though, I was doing all right.

  I dressed quickly and rushed downstairs. I got in my amobiler and took off at the speed of light. Then it dawned on me: something nasty had happened. Sir Kofa wouldn’t have bothered me if it hadn’t been something serious.

  “So, what is it?” I said as I stepped into the office.

  Sir Kofa looked at me with genuine admiration.

  “Only eight minutes! I timed you. You came all the way from the New City, right? I’m impressed, son.”

  “Mind you, it took me at least five minutes to come to my senses,” I said, and poured myself some kamra. “But what happened?”

  “The living dead have been spotted at the Green Petta Cemetery,” Kofa said in an offhand tone. “The guard sent me a call. The poor guy was on the verge of fainting. He almost didn’t get away. Nothing out of the ordinary, but we have to do something about the undead, and the sooner the better. We can’t let that scum hang around the Left Bank.”

  “Are they hanging around already
?”

  “Not yet, but they’re going to spread about soon, I believe.”

  “Are there a lot of them?”

  “If there weren’t a lot of them, I wouldn’t have woken anyone up and would have dealt with them myself. The problem is that there are a few dozen of them already, and new ones keep popping up.”

  “Where are Melifaro and Melamori? Did you send them a call?”

  “Of course I did. But unlike you, they move at regular human speed. They’ll be here soon.”

  “If I get this right, we’re going to go to the cemetery and tear them limb from limb,” I said doubtfully.

  Sir Kofa nodded yes. “That is precisely what we are going to do. Where are they coming from, I wonder?” he said.

  “From the graves, naturally,” I said.

  “What’s from the graves?” said Melamori, frightened. She entered the office briskly. Unlike me, she looked absolutely stunning. She had clearly had a good night’s sleep.

  “It’s all very grave,” I said mechanically.

  A moment later, the silliness of the exchange dawned on us and we laughed.

  “Is this a comedy club? It’s bad taste to laugh like that so early in the morning,” Melifaro said in a sleepy tone.

  His bright-violet looxi was a perfect match for the dark rings under his eyes. He is definitely feeling worse than I am, I thought, not without pleasure.

  Without saying anything, I handed him the bottle of Elixir of Kaxar. It wasn’t an act of kindness on my part—I usually don’t suffer from that. I did it in the interests of the case.

  “Okay,” I said, and gulped down the rest of my kamra. “Time to get down to work. Melamori, you’re staying here and holding down the fort. We’re going over to the Green Petta Cemetery, where we’ll finish off those zombies. Then we’ll come back here and have some breakfast together.”

  “Why am I staying here again?”

  Sometimes Melamori can be a pain in the backside, to tell you the truth.