The Stranger's Woes

by Max Frei

  “Because I say so. And I am the law, according to the Borderland dwellers, an official delegation of which is approaching Echo as we speak.” I winked at Melamori. “Think about it: we don’t need to step on anyone’s trace, praise be the Magicians. And making you fight those undead monsters is like hammering in nails with a microscope.”

  “What’s a microscope?”

  Melamori was no longer offended. Phew, it looked like I had managed to come up with a compliment that pleased her.

  “It’s a special contraption that you don’t want to use for driving in nails,” I said. “Sir Kofa, I’ll feel so much better if you don’t leave Melifaro and me to the mercy of fate. I have a peculiar fear of cemeteries, and I’ll need you to hold my hand and calm me down.”

  “Of course I’m coming with you. I was planning on it. Why would you think otherwise?”

  “Because you’re still sitting in the chair, and I’m already on my way to the Left Bank, as it were.”

  “You’re a quick lad,” Kofa said, getting up reluctantly. “So much for my hoping to escape from Juffin the Quick and Nimble and all his candlesticks.”

  “He lent me some of them,” I said.

  “So very kind of him,” said Melifaro. He was finally beginning to look like himself again.

  I parked the amobiler at the cemetery gates and we got out.

  “So, guys,” I said hesitantly, “you can kill them, too, right?”

  “Don’t worry, boy,” said Kofa. “We have a trick or two up our sleeves. You’re not going to be doing this dirty business alone. Are you surprised?”

  “No, not really, but I just wanted to make sure. Life’s full of surprises, so I can’t be sure of anything. Silly, huh?”

  “No, not silly. Let’s just say a little unexpected. You did guess, however, that of the three of us, Melamori was the only one who couldn’t do it.”

  “Frankly, I just thought I needed to keep someone back at Headquarters. I’d leave Lookfi sitting in my chair, but as far as I know, he doesn’t show up until after noon. The buriwoks have had a bad influence on him. It’s too late to change the fellow now. And since we really didn’t need a Master of Pursuit—”

  “Admit it, you’re as solicitous of our beautiful lady as her Uncle Kima,” said Melifaro.

  “What if I am?” I said. I looked around and stopped short. “Holy moly!”

  Holy moly was right. The Green Petta Cemetery is one of the oldest in the city. It resembles a park far more than an actual graveyard. Against the background of this magnificent park, the crowd of naked, dirt-encrusted people looked particularly incongruous. Well, they didn’t quite look like people, of course: people don’t have such empty stares and unnaturally twisted joints, and their skin doesn’t usually hang off of them in shreds like old newspapers.

  The undead were sitting motionless on the crumbling gravestones. They seemed not to notice us, though perhaps their dull eyes couldn’t see anything, anyway.

  “Not the most appetizing sight in the Universe,” said Melifaro. “Max, just to let you know in advance, I’m getting smashed tonight after this spectacle.”

  “You can damage your body as much as you want, as long as it’s not on my territory. Okay, guys, I don’t know about you, but I’m going to start. The sooner we finish this the better.”

  I snapped the fingers of my left hand, and a bright-green Lethal Sphere took off from the tips of them. As soon as it touched the body of a living corpse, it exploded silently. The creature fell on the ground. Its sudden death surprised me. Until now my Lethal Spheres had been far less effective.

  What surprised me even more was the indifference of the other living dead. They completely ignored everything that was going on. I felt a mixture of sick pity and disgust, something akin to what you feel when you kill a cockroach and its fragile chitinous shell bursts under your feet with a repugnant crackling sound.

  Out of the corner of my eye I saw Melifaro stand on tiptoe, make a few pirouettes, crank up his arm, and throw several fireballs at the group of phlegmatic zombies. He looked like a bowler after a strike.

  “Not too shabby, man,” I said. I felt exhilarated and snapped my fingers again. This time my Lethal Sphere hit a flimsy creature with an earring made from an unfamiliar reddish metal.

  “Say, have you tried one of these before, boys?” said Sir Kofa.

  I looked around and saw Kofa clap his hands soundlessly several times. It looked like he was giving a rousing ovation to deaf performers.

  “Don’t look at me. It works remotely.”

  I looked at the group of undead. A few dark bodies stood up from the grass, swayed, and immediately collapsed to the ground.

  “A strange trick,” said Kofa. “No visual effects, but it kills anyone on the spot instantly. Well, almost anyone. It never worked on Juffin. He always managed to dodge it somehow. Praise be the Magicians that it was I who chased him and not the other way around.”

  “However many times I’ve heard the stories about you chasing him, I still can’t believe it. You chasing Juffin, with the firm intention of killing him off? No, I just can’t wrap my mind around it.”

  I shook my head and snapped my fingers a few more times. The ranks of the undead were getting thinner and thinner. They didn’t try to run away or defend themselves. Frankly, it made me very uneasy.

  “It’s too bad they’re not fighting back,” I said, watching another one of Melifaro’s dance moves. “I wonder why?”

  “Right, the last thing we need is their heroic resistance,” said Sir Kofa. “Not to mention that we’re doing Lonli-Lokli’s job. What, are you bored, lad?”

  “I’m disgusted,” I said. “If they were a little less torpid, I’d feel our actions were less inhumane.”

  “On the contrary, what we’re doing is very humane,” Kofa said. “You can’t even imagine the degree of their suffering.”

  “I can, to a degree. Jiffa Savanxa told me a few things about them, and he was an expert on this, poor fellow.”

  I snapped my fingers again, never ceasing to wonder how effortless it was for me to produce something as incomprehensible as a Lethal Sphere. I didn’t even need to focus: it just happened. It was easier than scratching my nose.

  “I’m pooped. You can throw me in the dump. Better yet, take me home to bed,” said Melifaro, sitting on the ground and wiping his forehead with the fold of his new looxi. “I’ve used up all my scanty resources for today.”

  “You could have stopped sooner,” I said. “There are less than a dozen of them left. Kofa and I can take care of them.”

  “On the other hand, it’s not that often that I get to murder so many people at once,” said Melifaro. “You can be a villain day in and day out, but my life is monotonous, virtuous, and full of only kind deeds.”

  A few silent claps by Kofa marked the grand finale of our little excursion to the cemetery.

  “Let’s go, boys,” he said with a yawn. “All’s well that ends well. Now it’s the mortician’s job. I hope he’ll manage without our help. Grave digging is not my line of work.”

  “Okay, then, you and I are going back to Headquarters, and Melifaro—”

  “And I’m also going back to Headquarters.”

  “Oh, yeah? And I thought you were headed toward a dump or someone’s bed—I forget in which order.”

  “I’ll get there eventually, but first you’re going to treat us all to breakfast. You promised.”

  “Well, since I promised, I will,” I said. “Though it’s easier to kill you than to feed you.”

  “Look who’s talking,” Melifaro said.

  I could tell that the guy was really tired. Usually, his comebacks were snappier.

  “The Green Petta Cemetery is too ancient to be a quiet place,” Kofa Yox said digging into his breakfast. “Now, the guard over at the Kunig Yusi Cemetery, on the other hand, can just sleep peacefully. Such things just would never happen on his turf.”

  “Is the Kunig Yusi Cemetery new?” I said.<
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  “Very new. Newer than the New City. But those poor creatures we had to put to rest today had been lying in their graves for a few centuries. I wonder what ancient bastard needed them as actors in his sad show? The worst part is that we can hardly make him pay for it. Chances are he died of old age back in the days of King Mynin. I’ve never seen such ancient undead before in my life, Magicians’ honor.”

  “Probably some Dark Magician from a dreary old legend put a spell on them, a hole in the heavens above his earnest head,” mumbled Melifaro.

  “You’re in a strange mood,” said Melamori. “I’m glad I stayed behind at Headquarters.”

  “Ah, but I think you’d have liked it, my lady,” Melifaro said. “So many naked men in one place, and all of them so incomparably handsome. Our new tyrant deprived you of a great deal of pleasure.”

  “Oh, that is a shame, then,” Melamori said. “But never mind, I’ll make up for it. A naked man is not such a rare spectacle in this World. Besides, your beauty boys were dead, if I’m not mistaken. I’m quite old-fashioned in that respect. I prefer the living.”

  Then everything started running like clockwork again.

  Melifaro went home. He wasn’t himself, though: launching so many Lethal Spheres so early in the morning had never been known to improve one’s health. Melamori and I hung around doing nothing until evening and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Sir Kofa took a walk through town—just in case. Then he returned to Headquarters and almost resorted to force to make me go home. How sweet of him!

  This time I was determined to get enough sleep, come hell or high water. I went to bed before midnight and woke up way past noon. What a privilege!

  I was in the best of moods when I got to the House by the Bridge. Lookfi Pence was sitting in my office, looking quite puzzled.

  “Oh, here you are, Max. It’s unfortunate that Sir Kofa decided not to wait for you,” he said with a shy smile. “He asked me to wait for you instead, and to tell you we’re back to square one.”

  “Which one?”

  I stared at Lookfi in distress for a few moments and then sent Kofa a call.

  What’s happening? Is it the undead again? Why didn’t you send me a call?

  There was no need to. Melifaro and I are managing just fine. These undead are the most docile creatures in the World. And you need to sleep occasionally.

  Well, thank you, of course. But now I feel like a real dolt. Are you done, or still just beginning?

  I’m almost done, only three more to go. Ah, now I’m done. Don’t worry, boy. I took care of them myself today. Melifaro was standing by, just in case.

  You’re so very kind, Kofa. He really did go a little overboard yesterday. How about Melamori? Is she with you?

  Yes, she is. She decided to take a look at the naked men. Melifaro’s advertisement yesterday worked like a charm. Okay, Max. Set the table and get ready to welcome home the exhausted heroes. Over and out.

  They returned in half an hour. Sir Kofa’s face betrayed not a hint of exhaustion. Apparently, his murder methods didn’t require much effort—that, or our Master Eavesdropper had an inexhaustible source of energy.

  “Congratulations,” said Melifaro. “Now you’ve become a real boss. We’re doing all the work, while you sleep. That’s the way to do it, your majesty.”

  “I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it,” I said, and then gave Kofa a reproachful glance. “Still, you should have woken me up.”

  “I will next time,” said Kofa. “I have a hunch that it will start all over again very soon. I can’t say I like this whole affair, boys. It has a nasty odor to it, don’t you think?”

  “They sure do look nasty, I’ll give you that,” said Melamori.

  She said it with such distaste that it seemed we were the ones who had brought those unsightly zombies into the light of day. It had been a team effort, no less, except that we had forgotten to consult her on the matter.

  “Say, guys, were these the same undead from yesterday, or new ones?” I said.

  “The same?” said Kofa, surprised. “Oh, I sure hope not. We did a darn good job dealing with the ones yesterday. It never occurred to me that today’s undead might be ones we didn’t kill all the way just a day ago. But you may be right. Anything can happen.”

  “In any event, this won’t do,” I said. “We need to quarantine that sinning cemetery somehow. Who knows, maybe our next batch of new friends will be friskier and will decide to go for a walk around Echo. Maybe we should send some policemen over there.”

  “Brilliant, Nightmare!” said Melifaro, laughing. “I can just picture the brave boys screaming and scattering if anything happened. Boy, you sure know how to arrange a program of light entertainment.”

  “If they’re not scared of Boboota, I doubt they’ll be scared of any other creature, living or undead. In any case, a few dozen scared policemen is better protection than one scared cemetery guard,” I said. “So get on over to General Boboota’s turf for reinforcements.”

  “Like he’s going to give them to me.”

  “He will,” I said. “Just tell him they’re for me. Tell him I’m asking him very, very sweetly. Beg him if you have to. Come on, don’t dawdle.”

  “Your word is my command, your wild borderland Majesty.” Melifaro reluctantly got down from the table and bowed. “Do not be angry with me, O mighty ruler of bare-bummed eaters of horse dung. Gosh, you’re such a big shot now.”

  “Break the policemen into three groups, depending on how many you manage to fetch. Tell them to take shifts, but I’d like to see as many people in uniform as possible hanging around the Green Petta Cemetery. Take them there and brief them about it—although there isn’t much to brief them on. Anyway, think of something bombastic and earthshaking while you’re strolling through the cemetery. Something that will make them feel responsible for the fate of the World.”

  “If you save the leftovers of your royal meal for me, I will soak the hem of your mantle with tears of gratitude, you monster.”

  And Melifaro rushed out of the office. I knew that bossing around a bunch of policemen would give him unique pleasure.

  “Not bad, son,” said Kofa. “I’m surprised I didn’t think of it. Apparently, you can think straight and be good at it, sometimes.”

  “Yes, but only if I get enough sleep. It’s not my fault that doesn’t happen very often.”

  “What are we going to do about those disgusting creatures?” Melamori said. It was clear she wasn’t too fond of the “naked men.”

  “We’re going to exterminate them,” I said. “That’s why I asked Melifaro to put guards there. At least we can be sure that they’ll alert us right away, without any delays. It’s too bad Shurf isn’t here. His left hand is good at incinerating anything that gets in its way. Sir Kofa, do you, by any chance, turn things into ashes? It’s much more sanitary that way, you know.”

  “Exterminate, yes. Turn into ashes, not my line of work, I’m afraid.”

  “Nor mine,” I said.

  “You seem to be discussing a very somber topic, gentlemen,” said Lookfi suddenly. “Has someone died?”

  Melamori and I laughed nervously, and Kofa shook his head.

  “If only you were right, Lookfi,” I said. “The truth is that the situation is much worse: somebody keeps returning from the dead.”

  “Oh, that really is bad,” said Lookfi. “I know. I grew up in a cemetery. Nothing out of the ordinary happened during my time, praise be the Magicians, but I heard a great many stories about the undead.”

  “You grew up in a cemetery?” I asked, astonished.

  “Well, I guess I didn’t express it quite right,” said Lookfi, “but I did spend much of my childhood in a cemetery. My uncle, Sir Lukari Bobon, wanted me to take over the family business. He was very disappointed when I enrolled in the Royal Higher Institute. So disappointed that he still refuses to talk to me. I cannot say that I lost an interesting interlocutor, though. He’s always been somewhat lacking in erudition.”
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  “Lookfi’s uncle is an undertaker, and the most successful one in Echo, by the way,” said Kofa. “You made the right choice, boy. It’s much more entertaining to spend time with buriwoks than with the dead. Not to mention the undead.”

  “You are so very right, Sir Kofa. Oh, and thank you for reminding me. They’ve been waiting for me all day.” Lookfi stood up, caught himself in the folds of his looxi, knocked over two cups, and finally bestowed his shining smile on us. “Thank you for the dinner, gentlemen.”

  And he left for the Main Archive.

  “What did he mean, ‘Thank you for the dinner’?” I said. “This is breakfast.”

  “As if you don’t know Lookfi’s habits,” said Melamori, giggling. “But he wasn’t too far off, if you think about it. People usually lunch at this hour.”

  Melifaro returned an hour and a half later, glowing like a well-polished crown.

  “It worked marvelously,” he said. “The uniforms of the City Police look divine against the landscape of the cemetery. The spectacle is simultaneously didactic and majestic. If I were you, I’d go there right away.”

  “All in due time,” I said. “I have a feeling we’ll have plenty of time to get sick of it.”

  “Don’t exaggerate, Max,” said Kofa, looking out of the window pensively. “By the way, I don’t think I can sit in for you tonight. Are you okay with that?”

  “Of course, Kofa. I’ll take the shift myself. I’ll be the only keeper of the public order. After all, that was supposed to be my job from the beginning: to sit in Juffin’s office at night doing nothing.”

  Sir Kofa went out for a walk in the city and even went overboard with joy. He caught a bearded pickpocket red-handed, even though hunting down such small fry was far beneath the dignity of the Secret Investigative Force. The pickpocket was fed to that ferocious animal General Boboota Box. It was his just deserts.

  “I’ll teach you how to clean pockets! Only instead of pockets you’re going to be cleaning outhouses. And whatever you find there you’re going to stick up your behind!”