The Battle of Book Week
Page 2
Dear Alice,
I wouldn’t be so sure about that if I were you. When I put my mind to something, stuff usually happens. You see, when you’re a world -famous explorer like me, you need a lot of determination because there are always unexpected problems, like fire-shooting space parrots or comets made of radioactive jelly, or YOU. So I never give up, otherwise I’d never make all the cool discoveries I’m ALWAYS making. Like just this morning I discovered a piece of the actual SUN that had landed in my backyard. Also, I should thank you very much for putting up those WANTED posters of me around school … you will now notice I have changed them slightly.
Yours persuasively,
Jimmy Cook
P.S. I notice that you say OMG a lot. Well, just today Ms Murtle said that OMG is not a very sophisticated thing to say. You will notice I NEVER say it, so I guess I COULD be a better library monitor than you after all!
Sign the petition for Jimmy to become your new LIBRARY MONITOR and you will go into the draw to WIN a trip TO SPACE! Real SPACE! Zoom past satellites, lick space rocks, bounce in zero gravity and find out if Jupiter’s rings are really made of alien dragon scales or just radioactive cake sprinkles!
Dear Jimmy,
NOOOOOOO! This is terrible! You have ruined all my wanted posters with your fake space competition.
Now everyone is talking about how they want to go to space with you! Even my second-best friend Emily Hoskins invited me to your space-training session this lunchtime. Apparently you’re teaching everyone how to write upside down?! I’m totally complaining! You won’t get away with this.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Jimmy,
I heard your upside-down writing club was very successful. So, well done, I guess. I didn’t attend because I was doing very important library monitor business and plus, I can already write upside down. I actually WON the state upside-down letter-writing championships about three years ago. Anyway, it’s great you’ve finally figured it out.
Now, back to business. I can see you haven’t given up your ridiculous dreams of becoming a library monitor. (I also see you got two more names on your petition – including Jenny Philpot, so I am totally not speaking to her anymore!) But the truth is, you wouldn’t like being library monitor. It’s a very serious business and wouldn’t suit you at all. For example...you are wearing a saucepan on your head today. That is not something a responsible person would do. (Why do you even have a saucepan at school???) It’s time to face facts, Jimmy Cook. You are a library book thief who will never be a library monitor :( That’s like asking the world’s worst robber to be chief of police. It makes no sense. So, I’m sorry to say, you will NEVER get that last signature, so stop trying! You will never be library monitor... EVER! EVER! EVER!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Alice and Jimmy,
I’m thrilled to announce that as of today, Jimmy will become a class library monitor! It’s wonderful to have you both as my very special helpers in the library. Next week is Book Week and there are some very exciting events coming up. I look forward to hearing all your wonderful ideas. I know you will be terrific collaborators! I am also giving you this official library monitor notebook to keep track of all your library monitor business.
Ms Murtle
P.S. Jimmy, if you could have a dig around at home for a book called ‘Princess Snow Cone and the Snuggle Panda Sleepover’ that would be terrific. (It’s quite overdue!)
Dear Jimmy,
This is my first OFFICIAL entry in the OFFICIAL LIBRARY NOTEBOOK ...
I am OFFICIALLY NOT happy that you have cheated your way into being an official library monitor. I OFFICIALLY think it’s a very bad idea and I OFFICIALLY object!
You’ve OFFICIALLY ruined literally everything! I mean everything! I’m meant to be library monitor by myself for Book Week! I have soooo many cool ideas for the Book Parade and now they’ll all be ruined!!! Every time I’m forced to do anything with you things turn out sooooo badly. OMG. OMG. OMG.
And if you think that OMG stands for Oh My Gosh, it doesn’t. Try:
1. Overwhelmed Mango Gurgle.
2. Oily Mongoose Groan.
3. Orange Moose Glitter.
Oh, this is soooooo terrible...How did you EVEN get that last signature? I thought I told everyone not to sign it! I EVEN promised the whole class they could be in this short film I’m making about ME. I EVEN told people you had a fungus growing on you that would get in all the books and tiny little mushrooms would nibble us all to death! And still you managed to get that last signature. Who was it? Tell me! Who???!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Ms Murtle the librarian, of course! I told her I only had four supporters but that I would be totally awesome at being a library monitor (TRUE FACT) and then she said she could make it five signatures by signing it too! And not even YOU can argue with that! I think Ms Murtle knew that having someone like me onboard would be a good thing. And she’s right about that because not only do I really love books, I have heaps of ideas for BOOK WEEK next week!
Here are my top three Book Week ideas:
1. A ZERO-GRAVITY LIBRARY where books just float around.
2. A KITTEN LIBRARY DRONE that collects all the books and meows when they’re ready to be borrowed.
3. BOOK EXPERIMENTS where I can grow the space mould from that book I can finally borrow.
So buckle up, Alice Toolie! Being a library monitor with me will be awesome!
Yours bookishly,
Jimmy Cook
P.S. I really love this official library monitor notebook we get to write in … it’s so official-looking and I’m a big fan of official-looking stuff!
Dear Jimmy,
Auggggh. Fine. I guess I can’t get rid of you now! Be warned, Jimmy Cook! I know you have that Snow Cone Princess book and I WILL catch you red-handed! And when I do, THEN Ms Murtle will know you’re not library monitor material. I’m on to you!
I guess the only good thing about you being a library monitor with me now is that I can keep a VERY close eye on you. As for your list...I guess it’s okay. I am a fan of drones, kittens and science experiments, but here are three things that the library should have for Book Week that would be EVEN better:
1. RAINBOW CUSHION PIT so you can just read in a big snug.
2. A TERRARIUM COLLECTION (which is a super cute mini garden in a bottle) filled with tiny plants and miniature people!
3. A section for SCRATCH AND SNIFF books.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
That list is pretty great. I love terrariums! The only problem is that getting teeny tiny people (like the size of an ant) is hard these days. Once upon a time, like in the olden days, after cavemen but before man walked on the moon, there was actually a real species of micro-people. I think most of them ended up getting attacked by killer chihuahuas and stuff. Anyway, the point is, terrariums are awesome but you’ll never find any mini-people to live in them. I mean, you could bake some teeny tiny cakes and hope that attracts them? Except I don’t think it will work because they’re extinct. Just like the giant snow snail, a 40-metre high snail that lives in the arctic ice drift … EXTINCT.
This is already so great being a library monitor! And my shiny little library badge is really awesome.
Yours inventively,
Jimmy Cook
Alice and Jimmy,
With Book Week only a few sleeps away I need my library monitors at the ready! Please come to the library tomorrow at lunchtime for a library monitor meeting. There will be cookies and I have some very exciting Book Week news for you.
Ms Murtle
Dear Jimmy,
I can’t wait! I love meetings! I wonder what the exciting news is! I love exciting news! I love knowing exciting news first! I love cookies! I can’t wait! Also, I hope we’re going to talk about the Book Parade! You know, where you dr
ess up as your favourite character??? Truth is, sometimes the theme can be a bit yawn.com like ‘Books are fun’ or ‘Books have pages’ or ‘Blah blah books are lovely.’ You know what I mean? They always sound like an adult came up with them. Let’s have a really awesome Book Parade theme this year. Here are my top three suggestions:
1. Unicorns, cute mushrooms and rainbows. Dress as your favourite super cute book character!
2. Come as your best BOOK friend.
3. Inspirational book friends!
Can you come up with any???
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Your list is 50% good and 50% not good. Although I do agree that adults always come up with boring themes. And as for your question, ‘Can I come up with any?’ The answer is YES! My head has like six trillion ideas in it at any one time, so I can always come up with something amazing. Here’s three Book Parade themes:
1. Come as your favourite character from a book about a three-legged porcupine with laser spikes.
2. Come as your favourite character from a book about galactic alpacas or purple space kittens.
3. Come as your favourite character from a book about supersized radioactive slugs.
Pretty awesome, right? When you’re an explorer like me you always have a million good ideas at the ready and I have HEAPS more. See you tomorrow for our first BOOK WEEK meeting.
Yours expectantly,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Psst! I know our meeting isn’t until lunchtime, but guess what??? I think I ALREADY know what the exciting news might be! I heard from Emily Hoskins who heard from Jenny Philpot who heard from her mum, who heard from Lucas Terrazzo’s dad who got a text message from Derek Froon’s mum who heard it from Ruby Foo’s teacup poodle that bumped Casper N who FaceTalked his mum who told MY mum that they heard it from Ms Fennel that we might be having an author visit!
I don’t want to get my hopes up, BUT I think that’s what the library meeting will be all about! OMG (Overfed Mandrill’s Gobble). This would be soooo amazing if it’s true. I can barely wait for the meeting. I wonder who the author will be??? I really hope it’s Yemma Sloggle who writes those AMAZING Sally the Spy books...I’m such a fan! Maybe it’s JJ Fawling who wrote Barry Cotter and the Contemplator’s Pebble! OR MAYBE it’s Jon Plonks who wrote that super funny book Captain Undergarments! I’m sooo excited! Maybe it’s Cat Manton with her Amusing Child series!!!
Whatever you do, don’t tell anyone this TOP-SECRET news.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
I don’t NEED to tell anyone – you and Jenny Philpot have already told everyone! It’s all everyone’s talking about. I can’t wait to find out who the author will be! I’m really hoping it’s someone SUPER awesome coming to our school... like SHAKESPEARE. How amazing would that be?
Only one hour until our library meeting!
Yours expectantly,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Shakespeare is dead :(
Soooo it’s not going to be him.
Soz.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
But just imagine how awesome it would be if it WAS Shakespeare!!! AND then an actual ghost came to visit our school??? Then Shakespeare could do an author talk … We’d get to try on his cool floppy hat … We could show him around the library! Imagine how amazed he’d be when he saw our smartboard! And that clicker thing that automatically brings down the projector screen? He’d be totally impressed. I’m pretty sure they didn’t have that back in the ancient days.
Okay, now stop writing to me. I have to pack up so we can go to this meeting and find out who our famous author is!
Yours anxiously,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Huh??? Who are Kitty and Noel Templestein? I’ve literally never heard of them.
I mean, do YOU even know them? I’m pretty sure I basically know ALL the authors because I’m pretty much the best reader in the whole school and I did win the Readathon (four years in a row) where I read like 600 books in one day AND I’ve NEVER heard of Kitty and Noel Templestein. If I haven’t heard of them, then I highly doubt they’re actually real.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
I have to admit when Ms Murtle said Kitty and Noel Templestein were coming, I was a little confused. I was munching about six biscuits at once so I didn’t really hear her properly and when she said AUTHOR VISIT I heard ALIEN VISIT so that’s why I thought an alien lifeform from the planet Kittyennol was coming to school and as everyone knows THAT planet is highly toxic to humans and we’d all burst into flames if we ever got an alien visit like that. So, thank you for clarifying that we are not expecting an ALIEN visitor and it was actually an AUTHOR visit by someone called Kitty and Noel Templestein. I’m not as disappointed as you, although I do think it would be better if it was someone REALLY famous like at least The Cat in The Hat. Anyway, I bet I know why you haven’t heard of this Kitty and Noel Templestein, it’s probably because they write NONFICTION. I’m pretty sure you don’t read that much NONFICTION and I’m a bit of an expert when it comes to NONFICTION. I mean, I haven’t actually heard of Kitty and Noel Templestein either, but just looking at the titles of their books I bet they’re NONFICTION.
Cranky Cat Eats Children is probably serious journalism about a fluffy pussy cat that grew to the size of a bus after walking through a radioactive swamp and then tried to eat kids from a local primary school because he thought they were cat snacks.
Gronk the Caveman Has Worms sounds like a very interesting history book about illnesses and diet in the Mesolithic Period.
Russ the Walrus is clearly a marine biology book about an amazing walrus named Russ who escaped from the circus and ended up being captain of an aircraft carrier in World War II.
And finally, if you know your history (like I do), you’ll remember that Princess Prickle Poo was in charge of the Roman Empire for about 200 years and invented the first flushing toilet. I’m sure it’s a biography or something.
Yours sensationally,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but that’s basically all rubbish. I’ve just searched up Kitty and Noel Templestein on my mePad and I finally found them on like page 6 of my Goople searches. Their books aren’t NONFICTION. That’s ridiculous. They are fiction, of course. It’s pretty weird that they were so low down on my Goople search, usually famous people are really high. (Maybe they’re really famous in Japan or Turkmenistan or something?)
But I mean if you type my name into Goople, for example, I literally take up every entry. Try it, you’ll see. Here just the top three random Alice Toolie entries on Goople:
1. Alice Toolie wins national sandcastle building competition!
2. Alice Toolie raises $620 to save endangered jellyfish!
3. Alice Toolie takes first place in indoor snorkelling championships!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
I have to disagree with you there. Goople is NOT always right. Sometimes REALLY REALLY famous people (like me) don’t come up on internet searches … and I’ve done WAY more important things than you. No offence. Your list does sound pretty great, but you have to remember that I’ve discovered real Ancient Egyptian mummies in the playground. I invented a whole new language called Tiidhewoiunsdmnbfdkfghlakjujujuajhsdkfyyyekkjha that is now widely spoken on the High Seas and at a number of vegetarian restaurants. I even developed a brand-new source of renewable energy that only requires four toilet rolls, a hot water bottle and a pelican. And that’s just to name a few amazing things I’ve done … there’s obviously HEAPS more. So, you would definitely expect my name to come up heaps on Goople, but no. Instead you get some South African cricketer, a toenail doctor and finally
a lawyer who, according to his website, likes walking his German shepherd, eating spaghetti and won’t take NO for an answer … which could get very annoying. FINALLY, buried down the bottom of the searches, is an article from the local newspaper about the time I broke a sewer pipe and flooded the school with poo and that’s actually fake news and not even the truth (well partly, but not totally).
The point is, just because Goople doesn’t know Kitty and Noel Templestein doesn’t mean they’re not awesome. I for one am very excited they are coming to the school for Book Week. I love author visits. Since you’re not that into them, I’ve had an idea … How about I do the introduction and handle the microphone and all the other cool stuff for the author visit?
Yours originally,
Jimmy Cook (not the cricket player, or the foot doctor, and especially not the spaghetti-eating lawyer)
Dear Jimmy,
OMG (Oily Millipedes Gallop) there is no way that you are doing all that fun microphone stuff. An important part of being a library monitor is introducing VIPs (even if I am more famous than them). Besides, last time you got your hands on a microphone you tried to evacuate the school because of a poison gas leak, which actually just turned out to be a very important sausage sizzle to raise money for blind cats. I’m much more responsible than that :)