The Battle of Book Week

by Kate Temple

  Anyway, I’ve now read all Kitty and Noel Templestein’s books (it literally took six minutes since I am a state speed-reading champion), which is more than I can say for you. So, it’s probably best I hold the microphone and do most of the talking when they come because I’m basically amazing at that sort of stuff.

  How many sleeps to go?

  Only three?

  I can’t wait :)

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  Now hold your galactic llamas for one space second. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I think you’ll find that my microphone skills are pretty much the best in the world. Okay, make that the galaxy. As a world-famous explorer, I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with famous people, so I should be the one to handle the VIPs – unless VIP stands for Venomous Imaginary Pigeons, in which case we need a professional! I once had a very serious infestation of those critters and I can assure you they are no laughing matter.

  Anyway, looks like we’ll just have to share the introduction.

  Yours decidedly,

  Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Fine. But just so you know, I’m not happy about sharing the microphone. Also, I am making a mystery question box for our famous authors to pick questions from! So, let’s get everyone to write a super interesting question for Kitty and Noel and put them in there. I’ve decorated the question box with sparkles and drawings of characters from Kitty and Noel’s books like Princess Prickle Poo and Russ the Walrus. I think they’ll really enjoy it!

  I’m so excited!

  Time to shine!

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  Sorry I couldn’t help you make the question box earlier, I was working on my space mould experiment. I’m seeing how quickly space mould will grow on my cheese sandwich. I think this question box is a smashing idea. I’ve got a few pressing questions myself for Kitty and Noel. Here’s my top three:

  1. I haven’t read Cranky Cat Eats Children, but it seems really unlikely that a house cat could eat a whole kid. Can you explain the science behind this?

  2. Is it true you actually travelled back in time to meet a real caveman called Gronk or is he just totally made up?

  3. You should write a really awesome book about an amazing kid called Jimmy Cook who discovers cool stuff like treasure and dinosaur bones and secret tunnels and basically does incredible things.

  Yours questioningly,

  Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Okay, just so you know, the last one wasn’t technically a question.

  You see, a question has a

  at the end. And that didn’t have one so it was a suggestion and not a very good one. I highly doubt that Kitty and Noel would want to write a book about you! If they were going to write a book about ANYONE they’d probably be WAY more interested in writing a book about ME! But even if they wanted to...they actually can’t. Soz. Because I’m already doing that. It’s called an autobiography.

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  Excuse me, I know exactly what an autobiography is. You don’t get to be an official library monitor if you don’t know what an autobiography is. I’ve written at least three and they sound way better than your one. Here are three much better autobiographies I’ve written:

  1. The amazing time Jimmy Cook discovered an underwater civilisation and fought a really scary battle against an army of venomous cuttlefish and stench-breathing seahorses.

  2. The life and times of Jimmy Cook, who discovered a city of gold but was attacked by an army of killer sloths and vicious chihuahuas.

  3. The super interesting time that Jimmy Cook accidentally time-travelled back to Ancient Egypt and did loads of cool stuff like go to pharaoh parties, ride chariots and even build an awesome pyramid that still stands to this day.

  Yours autobiographically,

  Jimmy Cook

  Alice and Jimmy,

  I hope you are all ready for our very special author visit from Kitty and Noel Templestein tomorrow! As you are library monitors, you have a special job. As well as giving a short introduction to their author talk, I would like you to show our special guests up from reception to the library. It is a very important responsibility. Please make sure nothing goes wrong.

  Ms Murtle

  Dear Jimmy,

  OMG!!! (Orangutan Might Graduate) Can. Not. Wait! I’ve written our introduction for tomorrow and here it is. I’ve been pretty fair and we both get speaking parts. You say the Jimmy bits. I say the Alice bits:

  Jimmy says: Hello

  Alice says: My name is Alice Toolie and I am your official library monitor. Last year I was the state champion in the Readathon and I read more than 600 books in under a week, but my all-time favourite books are by my very special guests Kitty and Noel Templestein. Please give a warm welcome to them!

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  I have rewritten the introduction. It was not good and also you are lying about Kitty and Noel’s books being your favourite books because you had never even heard of them until the other day. Here is a heaps better introduction. Because I’m fair I made sure you got a speaking bit.

  Jimmy says: Hello classmates. Great to see you. (High fives) Take a seat. So nice you could all make it. (Crowd is clapping) My name is Jimmy Cook, but you already know that. (Crowd is still clapping) I’m pretty famous for making some amazing discoveries, from Ancient Egyptian mummies to inventing a kind of bread that talks … that sort of thing. (Someone shouts ‘JIMMY’S AWESOME!’) So, I’m just the right person to introduce my next guests, the super famous authors who live in an igloo and have a pet proboscis monkey and write awesome books! Please welcome Kitty and Noel . . .

  Alice says: Templestein.

  Yours impressively,

  Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  I want to give you some feedback on YOUR introduction speech. It is NOT GOOD. You just go on about yourself, basically make up lies about proboscis monkeys and stuff and I don’t even get to say anything. Well, I guess we should have equal speaking time. How about you hold the microphone for the first half and I get the second half? Seems fair(ish).

  Also, I want you to know that this author visit is REALLY important and absolutely nothing can go wrong. I mean nothing, Jimmy Cook! Book Week is only two days away so you need to pull your socks up. I want this to be the best author visit ever and for us to be remembered as the BEST library monitors EVER! The truth is, the last few times I’ve done anything with you it’s always turned into a MASSIVE disaster. I cannot afford to get a bad reputation like YOU have. On a side note... I’m also collecting selfies with celebrities and if you stuff this up they might not want to go in my celebrity selfie scrapbook.

  So, no mistakes.

  I mean it!

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  I have to say, I’m MORE than a little bit offended. Sure, I’ve made a few mistakes in my time, but you know WHY I’ve made a few mistakes? It’s called a GROWTH MINDSET and it happens when a large invasive sea snail attaches itself like a GROWTH to your brain and takes over your MINDSET. So it’s hardly my fault and for your information it’s very hard to get rid of. Luckily for me, my doctor is an expert.

  But you know what? When you’re a famous explorer like me, you’re going to make a few mistakes. That’s because I’m always doing things that have NEVER been done before, like taming an iguana or making a lava-fuelled rocket from cardboard boxes and broken radios. Introducing a couple of authors is not as hard as all that. It’s easy, actually! And I, for one, plan on being totally amazing as usual.

  So just relax. Nothing – and I mean NOTHING – WILL GO WRONG.

  Yours certainly,

  Jimmy Cook

  Dear Kitty and Noel Templestein,

  On behalf of our s
chool, we (Jimmy Cook and Alice Toolie) would like to say we are soooooooooooooooo sorry for what happened on your author visit to our school.

  Firstly, we are REALLY sorry that you were left down in student reception waiting for us for soooooo long. You see, we were actually there earlier to get you and take you to the library, but we accidentally collected the wrong people. It turns out we’d brought up the photocopy repairman and Greg Toogle’s mother, who were waiting in reception before you even arrived. I guess we didn’t know what you looked like exactly because there aren’t many pictures of you on Goople and that’s why we took the wrong people.

  Anyway, we ended up taking them to the library and giving them the microphones and it took a while for us to realise they weren’t you because as it turns out the photocopier repairman had a lot of interesting stories and who knew that Greg Toogle’s grandfather was in the Commonwealth Games synchronised swimming team in 1852? Once we realised that they weren’t you, we tried very hard to stop them talking but it was super tricky because Derek Froon kept asking questions about how to photocopy his butt.

  So then we raced down to get the REAL Kitty and Noel Templestein, but by THAT time Noel had been taken to the staffroom to fix a printer and Kitty was stuck in a meeting with the Vice Principal about how Greg Toogle has not been wearing undies to school on Fridays because he insists that Friday is International No Undies Friday (INUF).

  So finally, we found you both and everyone was sooooo sorry that there had been this terrible mix-up but also super grateful that you’d fixed all the photocopiers and agreed to talk to Greg about stopping No Undies Fridays.

  So that’s why Ms Murtle (our school librarian) told us to take you to the library staffroom for a cup of tea and a sandwich before you finally started the REAL author talk. BUT we didn’t know that Ms Murtle had ACCIDENTALLY cut up Jimmy’s science experiment sandwich that he was using to grow space mould on from the library fridge!

  And then when you finally did start your author talk, we only had time for the question box but somehow that had got mixed up too and everyone thought it was a suggestion box for the canteen so all the questions were asking things like When are we getting strawberry slushoos in the canteen? and can’t we have nachos every day? It was really nice that you tried to answer all those questions but the bad thing was they weren’t really about your books!

  And in the end we didn’t get to hear ANYTHING about your books because that’s when that mouldy space sandwich must have started to make Noel super sick because then Noel ran off to the emergency toilet in the middle of the author talk! And it was SOOOOOOO SUPER EXTRA BAD because Noel still had the headset microphone on when he went to the emergency toilet and let me tell you, it did not sound very good. And I think the whole school can agree on that!

  Anyway, we all hope you’ll come back one day! We still really liked your author talk and all your advice about nachos and thanks heaps for fixing the photocopier.

  Yours truly,

  Alice and Jimmy

  Alice and Jimmy,

  Thank you for writing Kitty and Noel a letter apologising for the disaster. I will make sure they receive it after Noel makes a full recovery.

  I must say, I am extremely disappointed that our recent author visit was such a shambles. I have been discussing the matter with your class teacher and we have decided that it might be best for you both to take a break from the important role of library monitor until you can prove you are able to do the job responsibly.

  Please hand in your library badges today along with any overdue books you have, as your special library privileges are now revoked.

  Ms Murtle

  Dear Alice,

  Well, I did NOT see that one coming! It’s as unexpected as an inland jelly tsunami, which sounds like a good thing until you’re buried under 16 tonnes of raspberry jelly for the next 435 years. I mean, it’s NOT really our fault that we thought the photocopier repairman was Noel Templestein, and you have to admit that Greg Toogle’s mum does look a lot like Kitty Templestein if you shut your eyes. But seriously, those adults should never have come with us in the first place! Everyone always tells kids ‘NEVER GO WITH RANDOM ADULTS’, but apparently no one ever says to adults ‘NEVER GO WITH RANDOM KIDS’. Well, obviously they should know better! You can just say, ‘we’re here to collect you’ to any adult and they’ll just follow you like sheep! (Although sheep don’t actually do that, sadly – I HAVE TRIED!)

  Seriously, haven’t adults ever heard of Stranger Danger???

  Anyway, I have to admit I really did enjoy hearing the photocopier man’s talk on how to fix a paper jam and how choosing a reputable toner and ink can make ALL the difference to your printing needs. Simply fascinating! And probably quite useful to my space exploration. I guess, since I’m no longer a library monitor, I’ll have plenty of time to get right back into all my space travel. Only problem of course is that NOW I won’t be able to borrow any more books on space, which will make it very difficult and VERY dangerous. So come to think of it, not being able to borrow books could endanger my life!

  Yours concerningly,

  Jimmy Cook

  Dear Alice,

  I just wrote you a letter (SEE PREVIOUS), but you have not replied. If this is ‘the cold shoulder’ I can tell you RIGHT now … I am not into that at all! I once had a cold shoulder from sitting under an air conditioner that was turned up quite high and it’s very unpleasant and could also cause a serious injury. So you might want to respond to my letter.

  Besides, we’re in this together now.

  Yours MORE concerningly,

  Jimmy Cook

  Dear Alice,

  Why aren’t you writing back??? I can see you sitting right there in class. Maybe you’ve been taken over by some kind of airborne galactic bug? Just give one blink if you’ve been possessed by a space cockroach or something. Two blinks if you’re just ignoring me.

  Yours MORE MORE concerningly,

  Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  BLINK BLINK! I’m totally ignoring you, of course!

  BUT FINE! I’ll respond. The reason I wasn’t replying isn’t JUST because I’m giving you the cold shoulder, it’s because you literally destroyed my hopes and dreams and childhood and everything by getting me FIRED as library monitor when I was basically the best library monitor the school had EVER seen! It’s not even because you totally destroyed the author visit by insisting that the really old photocopier repairman who was carrying a bag that said PHOTOCOPY REPAIRS was just Noel Templestein in a disguise because he’s soooooo famous (which we know isn’t true!).

  It’s not EVEN because you insisted on growing space mould on a sandwich and putting it in the library fridge without a proper sign because you were soooooo worried people would steal your special experiment. The reason I am NOT replying to you is that THIS notebook is for official library monitor business and WE are NOT official library monitors anymore!

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  Oh, I see. I guess that makes sense. But I don’t think Ms Murtle will want this book back … Just to make sure, I’m going to lick every page so that no one wants it.

  Actually, I just tried licking a page. My tongue feels weird. Maybe I’ll stop and just tell them I licked every page! Anyway, I’m sure this whole thing is just temporary and we’ll definitely be asked back as library monitors in no time. After all, it was me that came up with all those amazing ideas for Book Week … like the virtual petting library where everyone gets a holographic goat that reads books to you, and the edible bookmarks – all MY great ideas. They’ll be begging us to come back!

  As a world-famous explorer, I’ve seen a lot of storms and I’m pretty sure this one will blow over too. It’s what my gran would call ‘a storm in a teacup’, which can be quite a shock when you first find yourself sipping on a hailstorm or a blizzard, but it soon disappears when you dunk a chocolate biscuit in it … if you know what I mean. Pretty soon Ms Murtl
e will realise just how much she needs us and this will all be forgotten. I mean it’s not like she could EVER replace us, and definitely not now since it’s BOOK WEEK!

  Yours considerably,

  Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  OMG (Offensive Marsupial Gasp) I just received one too!!!! :(

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Jimmy,

  Okay, as of RIGHT NOW Jenny Philpot has been totally demoted from my number-two friend to number four! And isn’t Casper N like one of YOUR best friends? You know, just yesterday I literally saw Casper N eating a full A4 piece of paper, just munching on it like it was a chip. And now he’s an OFFICIAL library monitor?! This is definitely the worst day of my whole life :( It’s even worse than the time we accidentally ruined the school fete with that stinky ghost in a jar. It’s worse than the time we accidentally washed my neighbour’s cat. It’s even worse than that time we were homeschooled! It’s the worst day ever! Definitely NOT time to shine.

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,