Skin Deep

by Helen Libby

  ‘Hi, Gemma.’

  ‘Hi, Leo. What brings you here?’ Now that doesn’t sound very welcoming does it? Too late I remember the conspicuous dressing on my leg. It’s another hot day and so I’m wearing a skirt again. Leo stares at it. Oh, why couldn’t I have been behind the counter when he came in, instead of re-arranging the flowers on the shop floor?

  He frowns. ‘What have you been doing to yourself?’

  I don’t really want to tell him about the skin cancer, not now. I don’t want to lie either. ‘Err…’ I realise I’m going to have to tell him the truth, though I’m loathe to do so. I don’t want him to feel sorry for me. As I tell him, I see his jaw tense and I feel sick.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me before, when we were at Loggerheads? I thought we were friends.’

  ‘I had my reasons.’ I’m torn between feeling guilty I didn’t tell him, and angry because he’s angry. Does he have a right to be? Should I have told him? I’m not sure.

  Leo stares at me for a long moment, then turns. ‘Goodbye, Gemma.’ It sounds so final. He strides out of the shop, whilst I remain rooted to the spot. Have I just made a big mistake? Have I lost any chance I had with Leo? I’m crippled with pain at the thought.

  When Marie returns she takes one look at my stricken face. ‘Spill the beans, kiddo.’

  ‘It’s Leo. He’s just been in here.’

  ‘The guy you were telling me about? Dammit, I missed him. What was he doing here?’

  ‘I never got to find out.’ I explain what happened. ‘He’s really pissed off with me - I don’t know what to do.’

  Marie grips my shoulders. ‘You know what you have to do. Get in touch with him, explain.’

  ‘But should I have to? Have I done anything wrong?’

  ‘Don’t be so stubborn. The question you really have to ask yourself is, do you want to sort things out with him?’

  My mind is made up for me. Just before we close, Marie calls me through to the shop. Leo’s back. I don’t need to think about what I’m going to say to him. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to pity me.’

  Leo gazes down at me for a long, long moment. He takes hold of my hand. ‘You have nothing to apologise for, Gemma. It’s me who needs to apologise – behaving like a spoilt brat.’ He fiddles with my fingers one by one. ‘I’m sorry.’

  I’m so relieved I fling my arms round him. Life’s too short not to grab love when you find it. I know it hasn’t been long since I broke up with Will, and that I’ve been ill, but that’s precisely why I’ve decided to see how things go with Leo. He makes my heart sing. We can take things slowly.

  Chapter Twelve

  Will and I have decided to sell the house in Churchill Street, but in the meantime he’s moved out (to Kev’s spare room for the time being) and I’ve moved back in just until the house is sold. I’ve been busy cleaning and doing some touch-ups to the décor, as well as searching for a flat in Chester. It’ll be better, being closer to work. Perhaps I’ll get a lodger to help with the bills. I’ll see.

  I’ve also found a great deal for a last minute weekend trip to New York for me and Kate. As we’re going halves it hasn’t stressed my credit card out too much, which is a good thing since I’ll be wanting a mortgage soon enough.

  Leo and I have been on a few dates. The night before I fly to New York, he drops a bombshell. ‘I’ve been offered a job in London.’

  I’m pole-axed as I didn’t know he’d been looking for a new job. Leo in London? I can’t bear the thought of him not being around. I know London isn’t the other side of the world, but it wouldn’t be so easy for us to see each other. I pull myself together. I can’t be seen to be needy. If this is what Leo wants, then I’m pleased for him. I’ll support him.

  ‘Congratulations.’ I paste a big smile onto my face.

  ‘I’m not taking it.’

  ‘But why not? You obviously wanted the job or you wouldn’t have applied for it.’

  ‘I applied for it before I met you.’

  He proceeds to tell me about the job – a feature writer for GQ magazine. I know he’s always wanted to work for a national magazine. Apparently he went for the interview ages ago, but it’s only now that he’s been offered the job.

  ‘I’m going to turn it down. I don’t really want to live in London. Besides, I don’t want to leave you.’

  I go weak at the knees at both his words and the way he’s looking at me right now, so intensely. ‘Have you turned it down yet?’ He shakes his head. I take a deep, shaky breath. ‘I know this sounds cheesy, but you should follow your dream. Take the job.’

  Leo looks as though I’ve slapped him. ‘But what about us?’

  ‘What about us?’ Hark at me, sounding so casual when I’m anything but. ‘If we’re meant to be together, then we will be.’

  ‘How though, if you’re in Mold and I’m in London?’

  I go to stroke his face. ‘We’ll still see each other,’ I say brightly in an effort to convince both myself and Leo. ‘Besides, you know I want to take things slowly.’

  ‘Yeah, but a long distance relationship?’

  Hmm…A long distance relationship? Well, it could be romantic. ‘I don’t want to be the reason you turn this job down. I mean, it’s an amazing opportunity.’

  He cups my face. ‘We’re an amazing opportunity. I don’t want to lose you, Gemma. I’ve only just found you’

  I do my best to ignore the thrill his words give me. ‘You won’t lose me.’

  ‘This is my decision. I know you’d support me if I decide to go for it, and that’s sweet, but . . .’

  I pull away, forcing myself to be steely. ‘No buts, Leo. Take the job.’

  ‘Will you quit interrupting me? Why are you so insistent I go when you know I don’t want to?’

  ‘Please take the job - for me.’ It matters a lot, it really does. Look at me, only just getting round to pursuing my dreams because I’ve had skin cancer. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll miss Leo like crazy, but he needs to give this new job a go otherwise he could end up regretting it big-time, not to mention resenting me.

  Leo is shaking his head. ‘I can’t believe this. I just don’t understand you, I really don’t.’ He turns and leaves the room without saying another word.

  I rush to the front door. ‘Leo!’ But he’s halfway down the street, and doesn’t turn around. He won’t pick up my calls either. I cry myself to sleep. I meant well, I really did, but have my good intentions lost me my man?

  Chapter Thirteen

  Despite being on my way to New York – somewhere I’ve always wanted to go – I feel so deflated. I wanted to speak to Leo again last night, but when I went to his cottage he wasn’t there. I left a message on his phone in the end. I thought about not going to New York, but I couldn’t let Kate down. Oh, why couldn’t Leo have waited to tell me about the job? I pushed him away again, didn’t I? Why, when I love him? But it’s because I love him that I want the best for him. Maybe I was too bossy. At the end of the day, Leo knows what’s best for him. I dab my eyes with a tissue and resolutely look out of the tiny window. I have to make the most of this trip. I owe it to myself and to Kate. I’ll see if one of the in-flight movies can distract me.

  I check my phone as soon as I can after landing. Nothing from Leo. I sigh. We take a cab from JFK airport to the hotel. I lean against the cab window, gazing up as best I can at the numerous skyscrapers which line our route. I can’t believe I’m here at last. Kate and I exchange grins. I’m feeling more excited now that I’m here. Our hotel isn’t far from Times Square. Kate and I are sharing a room and it’s huge, with two queen-size beds. We don’t stay in the room for long though, we’re in too much of a hurry to join the New York hustle and bustle.

  Times Square is glitzy and noisy; it’s a real assault on the senses. Kate spies the Swatch store and is in there in a flash. I follow a bit more sedately. Somehow shopping has lost its appeal for me. I want to take in everything about life in this city, to experience it
properly. That’s what this trip is about for me. I help Kate to choose a watch. I’m glad to see her so happy. For now at least her worrying has taken a back seat.

  It’s late afternoon here, but not according to our body clocks. We want to adjust and so opt to go and find somewhere to eat. We share a pepperoni pizza along with some tasty cheese sticks seasoned with herbs and cinnamon. We take iced doughnuts and hot chocolate back to our hotel room with us because there isn’t a kettle in our room. I peruse the jaw-dropping view from the floor-to-ceiling window whilst munching my ever-so-sweet doughnut. The skyscrapers in front of me frame the golden rose sky perfectly. I sigh with pleasure.

  Kate comes to join me. ‘Perfect isn’t it?’

  I nod. My spirits have lifted. I’m in New York with my best friend, and hopefully Leo and I can sort things out when I get back.

  The next morning we head for the Statue of Liberty. Battery Park is crammed with people – tourists, street artists, and the regular New York citizens. We queue for the ferry for ages and undergo some vigorous security checks, but eventually we’re bound for Liberty Island. I’m amused to see the ferry tips to one side as people rush over to get a better view of the world famous statue. I keep hearing shouts of, ‘There she is!’ And there she is indeed; she’s bigger than I’d imagined. I squeeze Kate’s arm. As soon as we’re off the ferry we walk all the way round the statue. The tickets to go up the crown have all sold out, but I’m happy just to see the statue up close. I’m also thrilled to see the iconic Manhattan skyline. It’s amazing, but it’s so sad to think that the Twin Towers are missing. One World Trade Center helps to fill the void and the blue-silver façade glints in the sunshine.

  I’m keen to go the Empire State Building next, but Kate’s dying to hit the shops. I figure we can do some more sightseeing tomorrow, and so shop we do, and then some. Kate buys something in every shop! I try to get into the spirit of things and buy a few souvenirs for myself and some presents for my parents. I hesitate over buying something for Leo (who still hasn’t contacted me by the way – not even by text) and eventually decide upon a New York-taxi-style name plate. I hope I get to give it to him and that it’s not over between us before it has ever really begun. Spending not quite over, I find some jeans and some trainers that are a lot cheaper than they would be back home and that’s me done, but Kate’s still going strong. My feet get a real pounding. Bloomingdales, Macys (I loved it in there with its ancient wooden escalator), FAO Schwartz, Victoria’s Secrets – the list goes on. We also have a nose in Tiffany’s - when in New York and all that.

  Over tea Kate asks me how Leo is and I tell her about our argument. ‘Oh, Gemma. I can’t believe you did that. You sent him away. You’ve as good as told him you don’t care about him.’ Her eyes are wide and anxious.

  I splutter some of my Diet Coke. ‘But it’s because I care that I encouraged him to go for it. I don’t want to stop him pursuing his dream.’ Doubt has set in big-time however.

  Kate is relentless. ‘It’s his decision though, not yours. He’d already decided not to take the job.’

  ‘Because of me!’

  ‘Yes, because of you. What’s wrong with that? He knew you would have supported him going, but he was still going to turn it down. He loves you, Gemma. Of course he doesn’t want to leave you.’

  Does Leo love me? He hasn’t said so, but then it’s still early days. I toy half-heartedly with the mountain of fries. The cheeseburger is the size of one of my side plates at home, and though I’ve nibbled around the edges, it remains huge. The portion sizes are ridiculously large over here. ‘Well, it’s done now. I still think Leo should give the new job a try, even though I’ll miss him dreadfully.’ I’ll miss him anyway me-thinks, as whether he stays or goes, Leo won’t want to see me again. I’ve blown it.

  ‘You’re being so passive, Gemma. Where’s all your positivity gone? You’re just going to give up, are you?’

  I look down at the table. ‘I don’t want to,’ I say quietly. ‘I don’t know what to do. Leo won’t speak to me. I’m so tired.’

  Kate places her hand on mine. ‘Of course you are. You’ve been through a lot, but you’ve got some more fighting to do. As soon as we get back, you need to go and see Leo.’

  ‘But I haven’t got anything new to say.’

  ‘Tell him how you feel.’

  I stare at Kate. I’m going to tell Leo I love him, that’s what I’m going to do. I feel hopeful all of a sudden. ‘You’re right, Kate. When did you get so assertive?’ She’s like a different person.

  My friend grins. ‘It’s this city. I feel like anything is possible.’

  We happily make plans for tomorrow – our last full day in New York. ‘No more shopping please.’

  ‘Maybe just a little more.’

  ‘As long as we go to the Empire State Building, I’ll be happy.’

  ‘We’ll make that our first stop then.’

  The next day is a busy one. We stock up on calories first thing by having pancakes at a diner. We realise – too late – that we could have shared one serving, when we’re both presented with a dinner plate stacked with four thick pancakes, along with ice-cream and maple syrup. They’re gorgeous, but again, we don’t do them justice.

  What a day. From Grand Central Station’s amazing ceiling constellations, to the top of the Empire State Building. We had to queue for three hours at the Empire State Building. First came the security line, then the ticket line, then the elevator line. We should have bought tickets in advance. It was a long and boring wait, but so worth it in the end. The observatory was crowded, but we managed to shuffle our way around each of the four outdoor promenades. The views of New York and the surrounding area were spectacular. The port shimmered in the sunlight and the glass skyscrapers glinted. I vowed to myself whilst I was up there that my life is going to be different now. I’m not going to coast; I’m going to do things.

  Kate and I couldn’t resist a horse and carriage ride around Central Park. Along the way we caught tantalising glimpses of a lake, a zoo and a fair. The park is surrounded by skyscrapers – it’s like a green oasis amongst all the frenetic activity of the city. Our driver kept up a near constant spiel about the area. He took photos of me and Kate at the end of the ride. I thought of Leo and wondered whether we’d ever come to New York together and take a horse and carriage ride, nestling up under a blanket. It would be so romantic. I’d like to think it could happen one day.

  I’ve seen so many churches whilst I’ve been here, nestled in-between skyscrapers, each one a wonderful discovery because the architecture is stunning. I slip away from the hotel early on our last morning, and enter one of the churches, taking a seat at the back. It’s so peaceful. I’m not religious, but I do think there is a supreme being or entity out there. I say goodbye to New York by way of lighting a candle. I want to leave a little part of me behind in this city. This trip has been brilliant, but now it’s time to go home and for real life to resume.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I go straight to bed when I arrive home. I get up late afternoon, put some washing on, and open the post over a cuppa and a sandwich. The doorbell rings. I forget to breathe momentarily, so mesmerized am I by the sight of Leo on my doorstep.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ we say in unison, then laugh

  ‘Come in.’ I open the door wider and step aside so Leo can pass me. We go through to the lounge where we remain standing.

  ‘Good trip?’

  ‘Yes. Listen, I want you to follow your dream.’

  Leo nods. ‘But it’s my decision to make, not yours. It made me think you don’t want me around.’

  I take a step closer to him. ‘Never think that. I’ll be gutted if you do move to London.’

  Leo moves towards me. He’s now so close that there’s only a thin slither of air between us. His eyes search my face. ‘I love you, Gemma Jones.’

  Bubbles of joy burst inside me. ‘I love you too.’ And then he kisses me and all thoughts as to whether Leo will move to Lo
ndon or not are lost in the exquisite sensation.

  ***

  Leo decides to give the job a go and all too soon it’s time for him to catch the train to London.

  ‘I don’t want to leave you.’ Leo rests his forehead on mine.

  ‘I don’t want you to go.’

  Leo grips my shoulders, leaning back to look at me. ‘I’ll stay.’

  I let his words linger in the air for a moment. It’s tempting and for one delicious minute I savour the thought of Leo staying. Instead of waiting for him to call me later from London, we could be cuddling up together on the sofa watching a film. It pains me to know that I’m the one who has instigated our separation, encouraging Leo to take the job the way I have, but I’ve done the right thing I tell myself firmly. I stroke one of Leo’s stubbly cheeks. ‘Give it a try.’

  His green eyes beseech me. He’s so close to ringing the magazine tomorrow morning to tell them he’s not going.

  ‘It’s something you’ve always wanted to do. I mean, what an opportunity – to work on a national magazine. If you don’t go you’ll always be wondering “what if?”.’

  Leo groans and his shoulders slump. ‘I wish I’d never applied for the bloody job now.’

  Why am I sending the man I love away again? Remind me? Oh yes, it’s precisely because I do love him that I want the best for him. I dredge up a smile. I’ll miss him so much. I bite my lip, willing the tears away. We’ll still see each other. We’re planning to take it in turns to travel every weekend, and in the meantime we can phone, text, email, and Skype each other. It won’t be perfect, but life isn’t perfect is it? I take a deep breath. It’s time for one more kiss and a hug so tight the breath is almost squeezed out of me. We say ‘see you soon’ in unison and then, as if on auto-pilot, I’m watching Leo walk to his car at the end of the street. I’m trying to smile as I’m determined not to cry in front of him. It’ll only make it harder for him to leave.