Honor

by Sherryl Woods

  Honor

  Sherryl Woods

  Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Prologue

  Even at forty-eight Lacey Grainger Halloran was still one hell of a woman, her husband thought with pride and a sense of wonder as he watched her begin the long walk down the carpeted aisle of Whitehall Episcopal Church. She had never looked more stunning or more confident.

  More than twenty-five years of marriage, Kevin Halloran thought. So many troubled times, shared and apart. Yet it felt as if they were starting out fresh, as if this were the very first ceremony in which they would make a commitment for life.

  Last time, like so many of their friends in the mid-sixties, Kevin and Lacey had skipped the traditional prayer book, church wedding in favor of a hastily arranged outdoor ceremony atop a country hill alight with the colors of spring. Kevin’s family, firmly entrenched in tradition, had been appalled. Throughout the brief service, with its unorthodox but heartfelt vows, their faces had radiated disapproval. But at least they had come.

  Though Lacey had sworn it didn’t matter, Kevin had known that deep down she had feared his family would stay away, publicly writing off the match as a bad one. It had nearly broken his heart to see the relief and hope in her eyes when she’d seen his parents join the small gathering on that sunny hillside.

  Today’s ceremony, a renewal of their vows, was every bit as significant as that first wedding day. His father and his son stood next to him, each nervously awaiting their own brides.

  Kevin had been astonished to discover that long ago his father had been deeply in love with a woman whose name Kevin had never even heard mentioned. Now, just a few years after his own mother’s death, that woman—Elizabeth Forsythe Newton—had reappeared in his father’s life. Today they would be wed as his father had longed for them to be all those years ago.

  With a sense of amazement, Kevin watched the transformation of his father’s stern face as his bride began the walk down the aisle. After two long years of sorrow and loneliness, Brandon Halloran looked downright invigorated by life. His damn-the-world, full-steam-ahead energy was back, and everyone was having difficulty keeping up with him.

  Something warm stole through Kevin as he realized that it was possible for love to endure through so many years of separation.

  Filled anew with a surprising sense of hope, Kevin glanced at his son and caught the expression of open adoration in Jason’s eyes as he waited for his wife to join him to renew their own vows. Within weeks Jason and Dana would be blessed with a child of their own—a boy if Kevin knew anything at all about the Halloran genes. The cycle would begin again.

  All in all, it was quite a day for the Hallorans, Kevin thought as he took his wife’s slender hand in his. Lacey was trembling, he realized with a faint sense of amazement. He gazed into her eyes, blue and bright with unshed tears, and realized anew how very deeply he cared for her and how devastated and lost he would have been had they not found their way back to each other.

  Squeezing Lacey’s hand for reassurance, Kevin began to speak. With his voice choked with emotion, he tried to find the words to tell her exactly what she meant to him, to express the strength he found in their marriage, had always found in her love. They were words he hadn’t said nearly enough through the years, words he had almost lost the chance to say at all.

  “Lacey, from the day I first saw you back in the fifth grade, there has been no one like you in my life. You have been my friend, my confidante, my lover and my wife. I am a better man for knowing you and loving you. I beg your forgiveness for the times I have forgotten that, for the times when I have lost sight of all that truly matters.”

  The memory of how hard his gentle Lacey had fought to save their relationship brought a smile to his lips. “I can’t begin to find the words to tell you how much I admire the courage it took to shake up our marriage in the hope that we would find something even better. From now on I promise you days that will only get better with each passing year.”

  As a tear spilled down her cheek, he gently brushed it away, his own fingers trembling. Then he said in a voice that finally held steady, “I, Kevin, take thee, Lacey, a woman who has stood by me through hard times and good, who has provided love and understanding, I take thee again to be my wedded wife. For the blessing of your undying love, I thank God. For the joy of our family, I thank you. And I promise to honor you and all that you have meant to me all the rest of my days.”

  As the solemn vows echoed in the old Boston church, his thoughts drifted back over those dark and lonely days when his own stupidity had almost cost him the most important thing in his life.

  Chapter One

  “Dad, you’re killing yourself.”

  Kevin Halloran tore his gaze away from the bleak Halloran Industries financial report he’d been working on for the past twelve hours and met his son’s troubled eyes. “Jason, I am not having this discussion. Go home. It’s after eight. Dana will be wondering where you are.”

  To Kevin’s deep regret, his son defiantly removed his jacket and loosened his tie with the obvious intention of settling in for a lengthy chat. Kevin had a hunch they were headed over the same familiar turf. The sorry state of his marriage had been the primary topic of conversation for two weeks now. His son and his father couldn’t seem to stop their meddling no matter how rudely he tried to cut them off.

  Kevin reached for a cigarette, then caught Jason’s disapproving frown as his son eyed the mound of butts already overflowing the ashtray. Kevin drew his hand back and settled for another sip of cold, bitter coffee. The acid pitched in his stomach.

  “Dana knows exactly where I am,” Jason said, complacently ignoring his father’s dismissal. “She sent me. We’re both worried about you, Dad. You look like hell. You’re smoking too much. You’re living on caffeine. I doubt you’re getting enough sleep. Face it, you haven’t been yourself since Mother moved out of the house.”

  The cold knot that formed in Kevin’s stomach every time he thought about home and Lacey came back with a savagery that stunned him.

  “I don’t want to talk about your mother,” he countered bluntly and reached for the cigarette, after all. When it was lit and he’d drawn the smoke deep into his lungs, he deliberately forced his attention back to the stack of work on his desk.

  If he buried himself in reports and figures, maybe, just maybe, Jason would give up and go away. More importantly, maybe he could forget the emptiness Lacey’s leaving had created inside him, the echoing silence that greeted him each night when he returned home.

  In theory it should have worked, but Kevin had discovered that theories and paperwork didn’t mean a damn thing in the middle of another god-awful, lonely, silent night. That didn’t mean he was willing to talk, not to Jason. Lacey had been the only person in his life to whom he could open up. She had had the most amazing knack for listening without making judgments.

  Jason obviously thought that his cool, analytical approach would help, but in Kevin’s experience, talking about emotions never accomplished a thing. To his way of thinking, airing problems only exposed a man’s weaknesses right at a time when he needed every shred of pride he had left.

  Besides that, dissecting things a man couldn’t change only made the hurt worse, Kevin thought, still careful to avoid Jason’s increasingly impatient gaze
. There were even times, in the dark, lonely hours of the night, when the pain became a blind rage, when he wanted to strike out, to break things. The only thing stopping him was the certain knowledge that he had only himself to blame for the way things were between him and Lacey. She’d made that clear enough before she’d gone.

  “I want to talk,” Jason said, still on the same relentless track despite his father’s obvious unwillingness to open up.

  His tone was deceptively mild. Kevin recognized the stubborn streak his son had inherited from a long line of mule-headed Halloran men. Even as Kevin glanced up, Jason was settling more comfortably into the chair opposite him, his jaw squared, his expression determined. He took Kevin’s just-lit cigarette and deliberately ground it out, his hard look daring his father to challenge the action.

  “Not once in all these months have you explained why Mother moved out,” his son said.

  “That’s between your mother and me,” Kevin responded stiffly, unwilling—unable—to say more. Then, because he needed desperately to know despite everything, he asked, “What has she told you?”

  “About as much as you have,” Jason admitted with obvious disgust at the continued parental secrecy. “Did you two make some sort of pact of silence, the way you always did when I was a kid?”

  “We never did any such thing.”

  “Perhaps it wasn’t a formal contract, drawn up by the Halloran legal staff, but it was a pact nonetheless. You never wanted me to guess that the two of you were quarreling. Instead, the house got quiet as a tomb for weeks on end.” He shook his head. “It was awful.”

  Unable to bear his son’s distraught expression, Kevin stood up, walked to the window and stared out at the Boston skyline in the distance. Lights were just now blinking on. Was one of them Lacey’s? he wondered. What was she doing in that ridiculously cramped apartment of hers? How could she hope to find happiness there, when he’d given her everything a woman could possibly want and it hadn’t been enough?

  He sighed and turned back, just in time to hear Jason say, “When Dana’s mad at me, she puts all her cards on the table, usually at the top of her lungs. There’s not a chance in hell I won’t know exactly what’s on her mind. With the two of you, though, I don’t know.” He shrugged helplessly. “I think I’d have liked it better if you’d broken the china.”

  “And risked your grandfather’s wrath?” Kevin retorted with a faint smile. “That china came over from England more than a century ago.”

  Jason didn’t smile back at the weak attempt at humor. “I’m not interested in the china. I’m interested in what the hell happened to my parents’ marriage.”

  Kevin sighed, a bone-deep weariness stealing through him. “Son, if I knew that, maybe I could make it right.”

  When Jason started to probe more deeply, Kevin shook his head. “I will not talk about this,” he warned with quiet finality. “Go home to your wife. She’s expecting your baby. She needs you there.”

  “The baby’s not due for another three months. I hardly think Dana’s desperate for me to get home and watch her as if she might break. Besides, every time she gets the least little bit queasy, so do I. We’re running out of crackers.”

  “Then buy some and go home,” Kevin said flatly.

  This time it was Jason who sighed. “Okay, but if you need to talk, Dad…”

  Kevin might not be able to explain what had happened, or his own feelings, but he couldn’t ignore the pain and confusion in Jason’s tone. He relented as much as he could. “I’ll come looking for you, son. I promise.”

  Finally, after several endless minutes, Jason nodded, his expression resigned. He stood in the doorway and said, “If you want her back, Dad, you’re going to have to fight for her.”

  “I know that.” What he didn’t say was that he wasn’t at all sure he had the energy left for the battle.

  Jason left finally, shutting the office door very quietly behind him.

  That careful exit, more than anything, told Kevin just how upset his son was. Jason slammed doors. From the time he’d been able to walk, he’d raced through life, hitting doors at full tilt, letting them crash behind him. The quiet closing of Kevin’s door with its implied hint of defeat was just one more sign that both of their worlds had suddenly gone topsy-turvy.

  When Jason had gone, Kevin leaned back in his chair and wondered why it had taken a crisis of this magnitude to begin to open the lines of communication with his son. If nothing else came from this damnable separation, at least perhaps he would have the new bond that had formed over the last few months between him and Jason.

  After years of distance and a sense that they never connected, Kevin had been stunned to realize that his son truly did love him. It had been equally surprising to realize that Jason had matured so much. Kevin gave Dana a lot of credit for that. She had given Jason a sense of direction. Besides that, his daughter-in-law was every bit as determined as Lacey had once been to see that the Halloran family ties remained close-knit.

  Jason, Dana, even Kevin’s father used every opportunity to try to push him into reconciling with his wife. Right now, though, Kevin wasn’t up to explaining that the choice wasn’t his. He couldn’t cope with explanations, period. The fact of the matter was that he couldn’t cope with anything these days. There was an aching, leaden sensation in the middle of his chest that never seemed to go away.

  If Jason didn’t understand his separation from Lacey, it was a thousand times worse for him. How could a love that had begun in the fifth grade, a marriage that had lasted over twenty-five years, fall apart in a split second?

  The day a year earlier when Lacey had moved out of their huge house and into a tiny apartment of her own, Kevin had been stunned. Sure, they’d had a few fights. She couldn’t seem to understand the demands of running a business like Halloran Industries. In her own quiet way she had badgered him to let up, to spend more time with her, to think of his health.

  The next thing he knew, Lacey was forcing his hand, trying to recapture a time long ago, a time when, as he saw it now, he’d avoided responsibility, rather than accepting it. Her harsh all-or-nothing ultimatum—Halloran Industries or a marriage—had taken him by surprise. His inability to make the decision she’d demanded had been answer enough, it seemed. In her view, with his silence, he had chosen the generations-old family textile business over her.

  Lacey had made good on her threat, too. Kevin didn’t have to understand her decision to know that it was final. Lacey appeared easygoing and flexible, but beneath that gentle facade was a stubborn streak a mile wide. He’d recognized it the first time he’d seen the defiant lift of her chin, despite the sheen of tears in her eleven-year-old eyes. That fierce determination, that willingness to spit in the eye of her own fears had made her a perfect match for a Halloran.

  It was up to Lacey to explain her moving out to Jason, though. Kevin wasn’t about to try. He would never be able to hide his anger or this raw, gut-wrenching feeling of utter helplessness that was totally alien to him. He might understand the most intricate details of business administration, but over the past year he’d come to realize he didn’t know a damn thing about women, not even the one woman who’d captured his heart so very long ago.

  And, to his profound regret given the circumstances, the woman who held it still.

  * * *

  “Mom, I just don’t get it. What happened? Why did you move out? I thought you’d go back long ago. Haven’t you made your point yet?”

  How many times was Jason going to ask her that? Lacey Halloran wondered. How many times would she have to give the same stupid, evasive answer because she couldn’t bear to get into the truth?

  “Jason, that is between your father and me,” she said, her tone gentle as she busied herself repotting a bright red geranium to keep her son from seeing how her hands shook. It wouldn’t do at all for him to see how much she feared the empty days ahead, an emptiness she had brought on herself.

  Lacey couldn’t blame Jason for b
eing confused. She’d felt that way herself for months now, maybe even years. She’d felt her relationship with Kevin sliding not just into a rut, but into some deep, dark ravine. Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, couldn’t bury the memories of the dear, rebellious young man who’d set himself up as her protector when they’d been barely eleven.

  In those days Kevin had been noble and brave and adventurous. They’d roared through the sixties with spirit and love and idealism. Even now she wasn’t sure exactly when he’d started to change or when she’d first noticed the shift in priorities, the abandonment of values they’d once shared.

  Maybe it was when he’d caved in to pressure from his father to join Halloran Industries. Brandon had used every trick in the book to lure his son into taking his rightful place in the family business. He’d finally played on Kevin’s guilt, convincing him that he was doing a disservice to his wife and son by not giving them everything they deserved. None of Lacey’s protests had been able to allay Kevin’s fear that his father was right.

  Maybe it was after that, when he’d ignored her open distaste and bought that huge, monstrous house that was more like a mausoleum than a home. Kevin had wanted a place suitable for entertaining business associates, a palace for her, he’d said. Brandon’s realtor had taken them to showcases. Ironically, Kevin had chosen the one most similar to the lonely status symbol of a house in which he’d been raised himself.

  There were other symptoms of the chasm widening between them. Determined to prove himself, to exceed Brandon’s high expectations, he’d begun spending longer and longer hours at the office. Lacey had even suspected, but never proven, that he was having an affair.

  There were desperate times when she even pinpointed something as silly and unimportant as the moment when he’d traded folk songs and rock for classical music as an indication of all that was going wrong with their marriage.

  Somewhere along the way, though, the life she’d anticipated with Kevin had changed. She had never expected to be caught up in a whirlwind of social, business and charitable demands. She had never expected to see Kevin’s decency and strength lost to ambition.