Honor

by Sherryl Woods

  As CEO of Halloran Industries, Kevin had become a respected member of Boston’s elite establishment. But ideals they had once cherished, dreams they had worked for together, had been lost. Worst of all, Kevin seemed blind to the significance of the changes and the destruction of all they once held dear.

  In the heat of that last, bitter argument, he had accused her of not keeping pace, of being unwilling to change, unable to accept the reality of getting ahead in a world that respected nothing so much as success.

  If that was a flaw, so be it, Lacey thought, angrily snapping off a dead geranium leaf. What was so terrible about wanting to help others? Wanting to make a home for her family?

  Wanting a husband to stop killing himself?

  She sighed. Was there anything more important than love and family and commitment? It might be old-fashioned, but dammit she would fight to her dying breath to preserve those simple ideals, to get her husband to wake up before it was too late. She wanted that special, wonderful man she’d loved for so terribly long back again.

  Even so, even though it had broken her heart to watch his rare, generous spirit wither and die, she might have forced herself to accept the changes if only Kevin had seemed happy. In lives otherwise rich with love, she might have accepted that no one ever stayed the same, if only his complexion hadn’t taken on that deathly pallor.

  Instead of being happy and energetic, he’d merely seemed driven. The effect on his health was devastating. He’d already suffered one heart attack, a mild one that the doctor described as a warning.

  Rather than modifying his life-style, though, Kevin had become even more obsessed. They had argued again and again. Lacey had pleaded with him to stop killing himself, for him to at least try to make her see why he felt so driven. His response had been to avoid the arguments by spending even longer hours at the office. There had been one last explosive argument and then she had gone, unable to bear even one more day of watching him die before her eyes, one more lonely evening waiting for a call from some hospital emergency room.

  Lacey couldn’t say all that to Jason, though. He hadn’t even been married an entire year yet himself. How could a mother explain the tarnish that eventually robbed love of its shine to a man for whom it still held a shimmering beauty? Instead she deliberately asked about Dana and watched his expression soften, heard the warmth steal back into his voice, replacing the despair that had been evident only moments before.

  “Dana’s glowing,” he said. “She considers this pregnancy the grandest adventure in her life. Quite a statement given her decision to raise her brother on her own.”

  Lacey chuckled. “It certainly is an adventure. You’re both happy about it, then? I wondered. It seemed a little soon. You have so many adjustments to make, especially with her brother living with you.”

  “To my astonishment, Sammy is no trouble at all. He spends every spare second with Granddad. The other night I found them crawling around under one of the looms at the plant. Granddad was trying to explain how to get a white-on-white pattern on damask.”

  “Does Sammy even know what damask is?” Lacey asked, trying to imagine the sixteen-year-old hell-raiser with the outrageous haircut being familiar with fine fabrics.

  “Actually that’s how the subject came up in the first place, as I understand it. Sammy wanted to use Granddad’s tablecloth for a ghost costume for some play.”

  The image brought a smile to her lips. “I can just imagine Brandon’s reaction to that.”

  Jason shook his head. “No, you can’t. He actually got the scissors for him. But before he’d let Sammy ruin the tablecloth, he insisted on showing him how it was made. Off they went to the plant, leaving dinner still sitting on the table. Needless to say, Sammy changed his mind once he saw that the cloth wasn’t some old rag Granddad had gotten from a discount store.”

  Lacey tapped the soil gently around the geranium’s roots, then put the pot aside and reached for another. The rich scent of earth and the pungent aroma of the flowers had begun to work their soothing magic. She could almost forget her life was no longer complete.

  “I saw Dad last night,” Jason said, all the laughter gone from his voice, replaced by a cautious note.

  Lacey drew in a deep breath. Her hands stilled. The announcement brought a shuddering end to her tranquility. “How is he?” she asked finally.

  “Terrible, though he won’t admit it. Mom, you still love him. I can see that. And he’s still crazy about you. How long are the two of you going to let this go on?”

  “As long as it takes.”

  “As long as it takes to do what?” Jason demanded, his tone filled with frustration. “Do either of you have the faintest idea why you’re apart?”

  “We’re apart because that’s the way it has to be.”

  Before she could stop him, Jason crushed the bright red petals of a geranium between his fingers. She wasn’t even sure he was aware of what he’d done until he glanced down. Then he impatiently tossed the mangled bloom aside.

  “That doesn’t make a damned bit of sense,” he said, raking his fingers through blond hair the same shade his father’s had been at that age.

  “Stop.” Lacey put her hand over his.

  “Are you trying to find yourself? Is that what this is? Some crazy mid-life crisis?”

  Lacey drew in a deep breath. “I couldn’t watch it anymore,” she admitted quietly, giving in to Jason’s desperate need to understand something that was almost beyond explaining. “I couldn’t sit by and watch your father destroy his health. I was dying bit by bit, right along with him. I tried everything I knew, but nothing worked.”

  Her son stared at her, his eyes filled with astonishment. “Are you saying that you wanted to shock him into letting up?”

  Tears misted in her eyes. She blinked them away. “I hoped that our marriage would matter enough, that I would matter enough, to make him stop killing himself.”

  “But you are the only thing that matters to him.”

  She shook her head. “Not anymore. Not enough. Have you seen any signs that he’s changing? Admit it, since I left, he’s only working harder.”

  “Because he has no reason to go home. Don’t you see? You’ve created a catch-22.”

  “So what should I do? Go home and watch him die? Give him permission to do it? I won’t do that, Jason. I can’t.”

  “Can’t you talk about it? Compromise?”

  “Not about this.”

  Jason ran his fingers through his hair again in the gesture he’d picked up from his wife. “Damn! What an awful mess.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re caught in the middle. I would give anything for that not to be.”

  “I love you both. I want to see you happy again, the way you used to be.”

  Lacey’s lips curved into a rueful smile. “No one wants that any more than I do. I promise you that.”

  They were still talking when the phone rang. Lacey picked it up and heard a cool, impersonal voice inform her that Kevin Halloran had just been brought into the hospital. “He’s in the cardiac intensive care unit. He wanted you to know.”

  “Oh, God,” she whispered softly, sinking into a chair, her own heart pounding.

  “Mom, what is it? Is it Granddad? Dad?”

  “Your father,” she said, taking his hand, needing his strength to ask into the phone, “How is he? Will he make it?”

  “His condition is critical.”

  Leaving had accomplished nothing, Lacey thought bitterly. Nothing.

  Then, with a rush of panic, she tried to bring herself to face the very real possibility of losing forever the man she had loved nearly her whole life.

  Chapter Two

  The ten-mile ride across town to the hospital was the longest Lacey had ever taken, even though Jason drove like a maniac. His expression was grim, and she was certain she’d detected accusation in his eyes from the moment she’d told him about his father’s heart attack. Whatever he thought, it was no worse than what she w
as mentally telling herself. She felt as if the guilt were smothering her.

  The deep sadness, the sense of magic lost that had pervaded her entire being for so long had vanished in the brief seconds of that phone call, replaced by a gut-wrenching fear. Kevin couldn’t die, not like this, not with so very much between them unresolved.

  “It’s my fault,” she said when she could stand the silence no longer. “I moved out. Maybe if I’d stayed…” But she knew deep down it wouldn’t have mattered. Kevin had made up his mind to tempt fate.

  And he’d lost. Dear God, she prayed, don’t let him pay with his life. Make this just one more warning. Give him one more chance.

  Jason glanced her way. “He’s going to be okay, Mother. Stop beating yourself up over this. Casting blame isn’t going to do Dad any good. Did the hospital call Granddad?”

  She realized she hadn’t asked, that she had no idea where Kevin had been when he’d had the heart attack or even how he’d gotten to the hospital. “I don’t know. I don’t know any more than what I’ve told you.”

  “Maybe Granddad was with him. Knowing the two of them, they were probably still at the office.”

  Jason seemed to take comfort from the possibility that Brandon had been with Kevin, that he might even now be with him. Lacey was less certain how she felt about seeing her father-in-law. She dreaded another confrontation. They’d already had one monumental set-to over her decision to move out.

  Brandon had ranted and raved, even questioned her sanity. She knew it killed him that he couldn’t manipulate them all like puppets on a string. She wasn’t sure she could stand another meeting like that, especially tonight.

  The bottom line, though, was that in his own way Brandon loved Kevin every bit as much as she did and wanted what was best for him. Unfortunately, they tended to differ on what that was.

  Despite their differences, he had every right to be at Kevin’s side. Knowing Brandon, though, he would figure he had more of a right to be there than she did. Maybe that was true. She didn’t know anymore.

  “It’s my fault,” she said again as Jason sped into the parking lot by the emergency entrance and screeched to a halt in the first space he could find.

  “Stop it,” Jason said impatiently, slamming the car door and coming around to join her. “You did what you thought you had to do. I may not agree with your methods, but I know you did it out of love.”

  “Maybe I did it out of selfishness,” she countered and bit back a sob as guilt clogged her throat. “Maybe I was only thinking of my needs, not his.”

  “You don’t have a selfish bone in your body,” Jason said, taking her by the shoulders and giving her a gentle shake. He scanned her face. “Are you going to be okay?”

  Lacey drew in a deep breath. She slowly, consciously pulled herself together and gave him a tremulous smile. “I’m not the one in intensive care. I’ll be fine.” She took his hand. “Let’s go see your father.”

  Upstairs they found Brandon Halloran pacing the long, empty corridor outside of cardiac intensive care. Not even he could bluster his way past the restricted visiting hours posted on the door. Pale and shaken, his expression was bleak as he waited for word on his son’s condition.

  Jason put an arm around his grandfather’s shoulders and steered him toward the waiting room, but Lacey held back, uncertain of Brandon’s mood.

  Years ago, before she and Kevin had even married, they had been the closest thing to enemies. Brandon had blamed her for so much that was wrong with his relationship with his son. Since then they’d forged a cautious friendship, which appeared to have splintered into a million pieces because she’d abandoned his beloved and only son.

  Hesitant, Lacey stood in the doorway of the waiting room until Brandon held out his hand. Then she moved quickly, anxious for news, anxious for a little of Brandon’s towering, unshakable strength. Clasping his firm but icy hand between her own, she asked, “How is he? What have they told you?”

  “Not a damned thing,” he grumbled. “As much money as I give to this place, you’d think I could get a straight answer out of someone.”

  “What happened?”

  A shadow seemed to pass over his eyes as he remembered. “Found him at his desk, all slumped over. Thought for a minute he might be dead. The guard got the paramedics there and we brought him here.”

  “Was he conscious?” Lacey asked.

  “Part of the time. Said he wanted to see you. I don’t pretend to understand what’s been wrong between the two of you, but I want you to put it aside for now,” he said, giving her a warning look that Lacey recognized from a dozen different occasions.

  Brandon Halloran had strong opinions on family loyalty and just about everything else. He wasn’t afraid to voice them. He had the confidence of a man who’d done well with his life and knew it. In fact, he thought the world would be a whole lot better if everyone would just accept the wisdom of his plans for them. It had galled the daylights out of him that Lacey and Kevin had dared to go their own way, at least in the beginning.

  As much as she might have resented it once, Lacey found there was something almost comforting about the familiarity of his response to this crisis. That strength of purpose, that single-minded clarity of vision was welcome tonight in a way it never had been before. If there was any way in hell Brandon Halloran could buy salvation for his son, he would do it.

  “I do love him,” she said gently. “That’s never been the problem.”

  Brandon scowled at her. “Well, I’ll be damned if I know what is. I listened to all that double-talk you gave me months ago, chewed it over in my head every second since then and, by God, I still can’t make a bit of sense of it. You got some sort of complaint about the life-style he gave you?”

  “No,” she whispered, stung by the harsh accusation. “Not the way you mean.”

  “I didn’t notice you turning down the house, that fancy sports car.”

  Little did he know how she had fought both, Lacey thought but refused to say. Kevin had insisted. Brandon would never believe that, though. Even at the best of times in Brandon and Lacey’s tenuous relationship, she’d been very much aware that he expected the worst of her, that he didn’t entirely understand that someone could be motivated by something other than money and status, especially someone who’d brought nothing more than the strength of her love to a marriage.

  “What then?” he demanded roughly. “Make me see why a woman would walk out on a man who’s provided her with everything money could buy.”

  “I only wanted my husband back,” she told him, but she could see that Brandon couldn’t fathom what she meant. He started to speak, but Jason cut him off.

  “Granddad,” he said, “this isn’t the time.”

  The fight seemed to drain out of Brandon as quickly as it had stirred. “No. No, it’s not.” It was the closest he was likely to come to an apology. He asked Jason, “You called Dana yet?”

  Jason shook his head. “I don’t want to upset her.”

  “She’d want to be here,” Lacey told him. “Go call. We’ll be okay.”

  With Jason gone, the look she and Brandon exchanged was measuring. She suspected he was trying every bit as hard as she was to avoid starting another pointless argument. But the only way around it was small talk or silence. She didn’t have the stomach for small talk. Neither, she suspected, did he.

  “Damn, I hate this waiting,” he said finally. “You want some coffee or something?”

  Lacey shook her head. “Nothing.”

  “How do you suppose he ended up in a fix like this? He’s a young man yet.”

  “It’s not the first time,” she reminded him. “If anything, he took worse care of himself after the first attack.”

  “And I suppose you’re blaming that on me.”

  “Casting blame won’t help,” she said, repeating what Jason had said to try to comfort her. It didn’t work on Brandon, either. He took up his impatient pacing again.

  If someone didn’t come
out and talk to them soon, Brandon was likely to call up the hospital board’s president and demand a change in administration, she thought. He’d wave another endowment under the president’s nose for effect. Waiting was always hardest on a man who was used to making things happen.

  Lacey hated it, too, because it gave her time to think, time to remember the way it had once been between her and Kevin, back at the very beginning.

  It had been her first day at a new school. Worse, it was the middle of the year. Friendships had been made and she was an outsider. She was eleven years old, tall, skinny, shy and awkward.

  She had been so sure that the other kids would make fun of her, that they would see that the clothes she wore were hand-me-downs, that her hair had been clipped impatiently by her mother, rather than in some fancy salon. She was terrified that they would discover that her last classmates had labeled her a brain and left her out of anything fun.

  It had taken every ounce of bravery she’d possessed to slip into the classroom and scurry to a seat in the back, hoping no one would notice her. Then the teacher had singled her out, introduced her as a newcomer and made her move right smack to the middle of a room in which students had been seated in alphabetical order. She’d felt all those inquisitive, judgmental eyes on her and she’d wanted to cry.

  She’d rushed too fast, trying to slide into her assigned seat without anyone taking further notice of her. Instead, she’d spilled her books in the process and had to listen to the taunting laughter that had made her feel more an outsider than ever. She’d kept her chin up, but hadn’t been able to stop the tears from filling her eyes. She’d desperately tried to blink them away before anyone saw.

  But a boy with tousled golden hair and a smile that revealed a chipped front tooth had seen. He had knelt down, picked up the books and placed them on her desk.

  “Thank you, Kevin,” Mrs. Niles had said, while the other boys in the room had made wisecracks about his gallantry.