Honor

by Sherryl Woods

  Lacey raised her fingers to caress his cheek. “I love you,” she dared to say for the first time in months.

  “And I love you,” he echoed. He glanced toward the door of the master bedroom, then back to her. “Lace?”

  Her heart hammered in her chest at the invitation. To spend the night in his bed again, in his arms, would be just this side of heaven. But something inside her whispered that it was still too soon, that to give in to the provocative promise in his eyes would risk everything.

  “I can’t,” she said finally.

  She saw the quick hurt in his eyes and wished she could take the words back, but it was too late. Already he was retreating.

  How many more times could she bring herself to say no? she wondered. How many more times could Kevin hear it without distancing himself from her for good? Would she even know when it was time to put her heart and soul on the line, no matter what?

  The elusive answer to those questions kept her awake most of the night. When the early morning hours came, the questions were still there. And the answers were no clearer.

  Chapter Eleven

  So many times during the night Kevin was tempted to get up and go across the hall. It was three o’clock when he knew he could no longer deny himself. Lacey was still his wife. He still loved her with all his heart. And he knew in his gut that the longer they allowed this foolishness of separate bedrooms to go on, the more difficult it would be to end.

  The longing in Lacey’s eyes tonight had been unmistakable. Whatever was holding her back mystified him. She wasn’t the type to play games. She never had been. Even when they had made love for the very first time, there had been no coy pretenses between them.

  His thoughts drifted back to that long-ago night. It had been here on Cape Cod, the summer after their freshman year in college. Vacation was almost over and they faced another long year of being apart, thanks to his father’s determined interference.

  They had come to the beach for the weekend with friends, but had quickly abandoned them in favor of privacy. They had gone for a walk on the beach, their way lit by the full moon. When they found a secluded cove, he had spread a blanket on the still-warm sand. Other nights, other summers, they had done no more than sit and talk, often until dawn, but somehow both of them knew that this night would be different. The love that had blossomed between them with a slow, sweet dawning needed expression in a new and exciting way.

  Lacey had made the first bold move. With his eyes riveted on her, she had slowly removed her clothes. She had been a virgin, yet there had been no shyness in her that night. She had stood before him, naked in the moonlight, proud, her eyes filled with love.

  “Make love to me,” she had whispered.

  Uncertain, he was the one to hesitate. He had always been so sure that he was the stronger one, but that night Lacey had proved him wrong. She had been bold and daring, while he thought his heart would split in two with the sheer joy of making her his.

  Slowly, tenderly he had claimed her, enchanted by the velvet softness of her flesh, intoxicated by the taste of her. He had wanted her for so long, needed her forever it seemed. His hands trembled as they cupped her breasts. His pulse raced as he touched her moist warmth. She had been so hot, so ready for him, so eager to guide him into her.

  As he sank into her that very first time, she had cried out his name, not in pain as he had feared, but in unmistakable exhilaration. Surrounded by her heat, thrilled by her pleasure, he had felt his own pleasure build and build until he too came apart in a shattering climax that was beyond anything he had ever imagined.

  Just thinking about it now aroused him to a state of breathless, aching anticipation. It was past time for patience, past time for half measures. He stood up and crossed the room in three strides. At the door he hesitated, then shook off his doubts. No, he was right about this. He had to be.

  He paused again at the guest room door, then opened it slowly. Inside, a beam of moonlight streamed through the window casting a silvery glow over Lacey’s complexion. She was wearing a gown of French lace and Halloran’s finest pale pink satin. It was one he had given to her for their last anniversary. Though she preferred a classic, elegant look in public, she had always loved impractical, frothy concoctions for sleeping. In this one, she looked more feminine, more tantalizing than ever.

  Tenderness welled up inside him, as he guessed how restless she had been. The sheets were in a tangle. The gown had ridden up to bare one glorious, tempting thigh. Kevin sucked in a ragged breath as desire pulsed through him. She was so incredibly beautiful, so inviting.

  And so exhausted, he realized as he inched closer and glimpsed the shadows under her eyes. It was little wonder after the day she had spent working with Paula…and after the torment he had put her through for far longer than that.

  Honor warred with need. This time, to his regret, honor won.

  Reluctantly Kevin settled for a whisper-light caress of her shoulder, as he shifted one fallen strap of her gown back into place. Fingertips skimmed over cool, silken flesh, lingered as his pulse skipped, then raced.

  Lacey’s breath hitched at the touch. He held his own breath in an agony of anticipation, waiting to see if she would wake, hoping against hope that she would. He told himself he would be blameless then.

  When she didn’t awaken, when the pattern of her breathing became slow and steady again, he sighed.

  Tomorrow, he promised himself. Tomorrow they would find their way back into each other’s arms.

  * * *

  Lacey spent the morning trying to figure out why Kevin suddenly seemed so nostalgic. It was as if he’d spent the whole night lost in memories, caught up in the same sweetly tormenting dreams that she had had when she’d finally fallen into a restless slumber.

  Today it seemed as if he were using those memories to rekindle the desire that had always surged between them like a palpable force.

  “What’s gotten into you?” she murmured, when his hand curved around the nape of her neck for just an instant as he returned to the breakfast table. The casual touch sent her pulse scrambling. She tried to cover it by spreading jam on her toast.

  “I don’t know what you mean,” he said, pouring himself a second cup of coffee, his expression all smug male innocence.

  She regarded him with disbelief, then finally shrugged. “Perhaps it’s just my imagination playing tricks with me.”

  He nodded, rather quickly she thought.

  “I’m sure that’s it,” he agreed, but the gleam in his eyes contradicted the too-casual response.

  Her gaze narrowed. “Are you sure you have no idea what I’m talking about?”

  His eyes widened. “None. Did you sleep well?”

  “I tossed and turned a bit. You?”

  “I was a bit restless myself. I looked in on you,” he said in a voice that sounded a bit husky.

  Surprised, she didn’t know what to say, finally settling for a simple, “Oh?”

  She reached hurriedly for a section of the Boston paper so she could hide the flush of embarrassment that she could feel creeping into her cheeks. Kevin nudged the paper aside.

  “Lacey.” His voice was soft and slow as honey, but it held a definite note of command.

  She swallowed hard, then forced herself to meet his gaze. “Yes?”

  “You looked very beautiful.”

  This time there was no hiding the heat that climbed into her cheeks. “Kevin Halloran, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were trying to rattle me.”

  He grinned at that. “Then you obviously don’t know me at all. Actually my intentions aren’t nearly that honorable. I want to seduce you.”

  Lacey felt every muscle in her body clench, not just at his words, though those were disturbing enough, but at the spark of satisfaction in his eyes.

  “Am I having any luck?” he asked, his tone light.

  “The offer is tempting,” she admitted.

  “That’s good.”

  “It is the middle
of the morning, though.”

  “And what is wrong with making love to my wife in the middle of the morning?”

  “Not a thing,” she murmured breathlessly, captivated by the possibilities.

  She saw his whole body tense at that. He held out his hand. She was about to reach for it when reason intruded. There were a hundred reasons for going to bed with Kevin and a thousand more for saying no. She had remembered them all last night. Today it seemed she had to search her memory for just one.

  “We can’t, Kevin,” she said desperately, thinking of Linc’s insistent warning. “It’s too soon.”

  Sudden anger turned his eyes a stormy shade of gray blue. “Too soon?” he repeated in a voice that throbbed with sarcasm. “Too soon for whom? We haven’t made love in a year. Maybe more.”

  Though he had missed her meaning entirely, Lacey was too stunned by his harsh, bitterly accusing tone to explain. Instead, she snapped back, “And whose fault is that? Not mine, dammit. I wasn’t the one who spent sixteen hours a day in an office and came home exhausted. I’m not the one who was so caught up in work that nothing else mattered.”

  “No,” he said, his tone and his gaze as cold as a winter morning. “You were the one who walked out.”

  At that she shoved her chair back from the table and forced herself to be silent. Arguing was no solution. If anything it would only make matters worse. But all of this tiptoeing around their problems for fear of upsetting Kevin was beginning to get to her. How many times could she clamp her mouth shut, holding in her hurt, her anger?

  At the sink, Lacey gripped the edge of the counter so tightly her knuckles turned white. She drew in a deep, calming breath before she turned back to face him.

  “We have to talk about all of this, but only when we can do it calmly.”

  “I’m not feeling one damn bit calm,” he said furiously. “I am sick and tired of being made out to be the bad guy here. I’m a human being, Lacey. Not some storybook hero. I’m sure I’ve made more than my share of mistakes, but so have you.” He glared at her. “So, my dear, have you.”

  Before Lacey could gather her wits for a comeback, Kevin was gone, leaving her alone with her anger and with the sad awareness that after all these days together, they were not one bit better off than they had been months ago. They didn’t understand each other at all anymore.

  * * *

  Lacey was still in the kitchen, lingering over a last cup of coffee, when she heard a car pull up outside. She heard Kevin open the door and she wandered into the hallway to see who’d come to visit.

  Jason and Dana. Dear Lord, she had forgotten they were coming. She viewed their arrival as a mixed blessing. They would serve as a buffer after this morning’s angry exchange. At the same time, their presence would create even more tension as she and Kevin both struggled to keep their son and daughter-in-law from seeing how little progress had actually been made toward a reconciliation.

  As they hurried inside with their bags, Lacey was all too aware of the anxious glances they exchanged.

  “Hi, Mom,” Jason said, his voice too cheerful. His gaze searched her face. “You’ve gotten a little sun.”

  “I’ve been gardening,” she said, putting her cup down to hug Jason and then Dana. She smiled at her daughter-in-law. “How are you feeling?”

  “Much better. Jason’s finally stopped getting morning sickness.”

  “Thank goodness,” he murmured fervently.

  “All men should have a taste of what it’s like to carry a baby,” Dana retorted. “It might make them more sympathetic.”

  “I’m sympathetic, all right. But we’re only having the one. I can’t go through this again.”

  “You!” Dana retorted indignantly. “At least you’ll miss out on the labor pains.”

  Lacey decided she’d better step in before the familiar battle worsened. “Enough, you two. Where’s Sammy?”

  “We left him with Brandon,” Dana said. “Sammy said something about teaching him to shoot down some kind of creatures.”

  “A video game created by a sadistic computer hack,” Jason explained. “I was awake until three in the morning trying to save some princess from those same evil guys. They multiply like rabbits if you don’t stay on your toes.”

  “Sounds intriguing,” Lacey said. “You’ll have to teach your father sometime.”

  “Not while he’s recuperating,” Dana warned. “It turns them into glassy-eyed monsters. I’m sure it can’t be good for their blood pressure. I dared to interrupt Sammy and Jason for dinner the other night and they both jumped down my throat.”

  “I was winning for the first time in history,” Jason explained. “I wasn’t about to lose my competitive edge.”

  Dana rolled her eyes. “See what I mean?”

  Jason put an arm around her waist and hugged her. “I love you, anyway,” he said. “Where should I put our bags? The guest room across from yours and Dad’s?”

  Kevin deliberately turned away, leaving Lacey to respond. “No,” she said, all too aware of the puzzled expression on Dana’s face and on Jason’s. There was no hiding the truth from them, though.

  “Actually, my things are in there,” she said briskly. “Use the yellow room at the end of the hall. It has the second best view in the house.”

  Jason shot her a sharp look, but fortunately he didn’t make an issue of it. He picked up the bags. “I’ll be right back. Dana, please go sit down.”

  “I’ve been sitting down,” she reminded him very patiently. She regarded Lacey hopefully. “He will get over this, won’t he?”

  “Kevin never did. He watched me like a hawk all during the entire pregnancy. So did Brandon. It almost drove me wild.”

  “Fortunately Sammy and I made a pact. He’ll keep Brandon busy and I will buy him the latest video games. Hopefully they won’t release too many new ones between now and when this little one is born.”

  She patted her rounded belly. “Do you think there’s any chance at all I’ll have a girl?” she asked wistfully. “I would sure like to buy dolls, instead of footballs.”

  “The Halloran genes are against it,” Kevin said. “I have to admit, though, that I wouldn’t mind having a little girl to spoil rotten.”

  “There will be no spoiling of this child, girl or boy,” Dana said firmly.

  Lacey shook her head. “Then you married into the wrong family. The Halloran men take spoiling for granted, especially when it comes to grandchildren. I remember the first Christmas after I met Kevin. His grandfather was still alive then. He gave him the first ten-thousand-dollar installment on his trust fund.”

  “As I recall, I wasn’t that impressed,” Kevin countered. “I wanted a new ten-speed bike.”

  “That’s okay. I was awed enough for both of us. I got a sweater and a doll that year. They were both second-hand.”

  Kevin smiled at her, his eyes gentle and filled with remembering. “You still have that doll, though, don’t you? While I gave that money away long ago.”

  “To buy toys for the Salvation Army’s Christmas drive,” Lacey recalled. “You’d just turned twenty-one, which meant you could start drawing on the trust. I thought using the money to buy those toys was the sweetest thing you’d ever done.”

  “Dad thought I’d taken leave of my senses. You were six months pregnant and I was giving away our savings to charity.” He shook his head. “Talk about irresponsible.”

  “I didn’t think it was irresponsible,” Lacey argued. “We had enough. Those people didn’t have anything.”

  “I agree with Lacey,” Dana said, leaning down to give Kevin a kiss on his forehead. “It was a noble gesture.”

  Kevin reached up and patted her cheek. “That’s all it was, a gesture. It didn’t really solve anything.”

  Lacey lost patience. “It gave those families and kids a decent holiday, one they’ll always remember. If more people made gestures like those, the world would be a better place. What’s happened to you, Kevin? When did you become so cyni
cal?”

  “Cynical? No, Lacey. I grew up.”

  She was about to argue, when she saw the alarm in Dana’s eyes. She bit back a sharp retort and shrugged. “I guess we still see some things differently,” she said and stood up. “I think I’ll get busy on lunch. Dana would you like to help me?”

  Her daughter-in-law cast one last confused look at Kevin, then followed Lacey into the kitchen.

  “Things aren’t any better, are they?” Dana said as they prepared lunch.

  “Better?” Lacey echoed with a catch in her voice. “If anything, they’re worse than ever.”

  “But why? I don’t understand. Anyone who looks at the two of you can see how much you still love each other.”

  Lacey shrugged. “When you get right down to it, love may not conquer all.”

  “Now who’s sounding cynical?” Dana asked too gently.

  Lacey had to fight off the tears that suddenly threatened. She tried to smile. “Come now, you didn’t drive all the way out here just to be depressed. Let’s have some lunch and then you and Jason can go for a walk on the beach. It’s a beautiful day.”

  Dana looked as if she wanted to say more, but finally she took her cue from Lacey and busied herself with the lunch preparations.

  They all ate much too quickly, anxious to put an end to the charade of cheer they tried to maintain. Jason had barely put his last bite of food in his mouth, when Dana stood up and grabbed his hand. “Let’s take a walk.”

  Startled, he simply stared at her. “Before dessert?”

  “Yes,” she said firmly. With a shrug, he left the table and followed her from the room.

  Kevin glanced across the table, his expression rueful. “I’ll bet they can’t wait to get back to Boston.”

  Lacey nodded. “I can’t say that I blame them.”

  He hesitated, then finally looked straight into her eyes. “Do you want to leave, too? Was all of this a mistake?”

  A sigh of regret shuddered through her as she thought about the question. “No,” she said at last. “But I think we were expecting too much. We need to talk—” When he started to speak, she held up her hand. “No. I mean really talk. And we can’t do that if I’m terrified of upsetting you.”