Love Delayed

by Love Belvin

  “Yes, Niña. That’s what I need. Come for me,” his strained vocals produced.

  And I did. My body shuddered as it was overcome with undulating waves of pleasure that I couldn’t control: only Stenton’s plunges did. He thrust twice more before his body jerked on top of me and jaw clenched as he tried to anchor his waves of bliss.

  When he was able to focus his eyes, I asked, “When did you upload the profile picture?”

  I don’t know that I was planning to ask him that, and especially at such a precarious time, but I did and it felt okay.

  After giving me a searing gaze for seconds long, he answered, “After I dropped you off, the day we returned from the Cayman Islands.”

  That answer spoke volumes and confused me all at the same time.

  Stenton’s big arms gathered my languid frame and pulled me into his chest, resting his hard pecs against my back, making me privy to his calming heart-drum. Depleted, I took a deep contented breath and let it escape with a hum.

  “I like this.”

  I felt Stenton’s face push affectionately into my neck.

  “Like lying in the bed?” I heard the humor in his thick tenor.

  “In your bed…having had you out of sorts like moments ago,” I murmured lazily. “It gives me that momentary belief of being closest to you.”

  His hold around me tightened. “You are the closest person to me. It may not feel like it because for me, it happened so quick…and unexpected, and I may not have adjusted to that fact, but it’s true. You are,” his tenor chords rumbled.

  Unconvinced, I yawned, “It’s the sex. You’re still floating.”

  I closed my eyes to rest. I don’t know how long we laid there, I’d drifted off at some point, plagued with exhaustion. I felt satiated and grateful for Stenton’s comfort. I thought the silence was agreeable to our mood.

  Until I vaguely heard, “My Dad was killed by a d-boy and his crew. He stole a whole bunch of their shit from a kid they used a squatter on their block. It took them a while to find him. In the meantime, he shared their product with my mom. It was bad shit…shit that made her go crazy.” I could feel his body steel behind me, revisiting his nightmare. Facing the wall ahead, my eyes bulged in horror. “One day, my mom goes into the hospital, overdosing on the dope. Two days later, my Dad’s body was found rolled up in a carpet behind an abandoned warehouse. My mother couldn’t ev—” Overcome with tormented emotions, he choked on a silent cry.

  Stenton waited for some time, silence so thick my heartbeat could be heard. “My mother couldn’t attend his funeral. She’d just come through when he was put in the ground.” Stenton let go of a shuddering breath. “It’s hard to trust people with your essence…your emotions—who you really are—when you never had anyone around to teach you how to sort them first. It’s hard to admit, but you’re the first I’ve felt this type of emotional connection to. It scares the shit out of me. But nothing has ever felt so right. It makes me want…permanency with you no matter how I can get it.” He exhaled harshly again. “Zo, I know that sounds all kinds of…confusing and…fucked up, but—”

  My hand moved up to his arm encasing me and clenched it adoringly. It was my way of saying I accepted his disclosure and was grateful for it. He spoke about permanency in the wake of his abrupt breakup, something totally contrary to his actions. We remained that way for countless minutes. I transitioned to an even more peaceful and blissful state than before Stenton shared his turbulent past with me. And I knew in that moment I could never love another man the way that I did him. It didn’t matter if I were to fall in love a second time with another man; no other man could ever claim my heart the way that Stenton had.

  Once relaxed and washed, we made our way downstairs. There, I was formally introduced to Jimmy John who prepared the most wonderful chicken curry dish. It was rich and well-seasoned, but nothing compared to being with Stenton again. He sat across from me, engaged in his plate.

  “So, Indian cuisine?”

  Stenton looked up. His marble eyes zeroed in on me, causing my belly to flutter.

  With knitted brows he informed, “It’s one of your top three favorite cuisines, right?”

  I nodded. “After Spanish food,” I reminded him.

  Then I regrettably watched his eyes return to his plate.

  Seconds later, Stenton muttered, “My mom…before she…ummmm…overdosed…she cooked for a Spanish spot called Manny’s in Newark. She was…ummm…pretty good at it.” Then I heard his fortifying cough. My stomach twisted. Stenton rarely spoke of his parents. It was so bad I’d never ask, not wanting to pry, but tonight he’d been more than forthcoming.

  “How’s everything?” Jimmy approached the table.

  Stenton glanced over at me.

  “Everything’s great! You’re an awesome cook,” I gushed.

  Jimmy smiled and strode back to the sink.

  “We’re good, JJ.” Stenton then tossed a glance over his shoulder. “If you don’t wanna see me devouring Zo, you can bounce. I can have Marie clean up the mess in the morning.”

  Jimmy nodded humbly. “With what you’ve paid me, it would be highway robbery to leave your kitchen in this state. I’ll clean and then leave, Stent. Just be quiet while you’re feeling her down.”

  I giggled, then it quickly turned into full blown laughter. I had to hold my belly.

  Stenton’s face sobered and he asked, “You okay? I noticed you look a little pale and thinner.”

  I rolled my eyes in my plate. “Aside from suffering from a broken heart, I’ve never felt better.”

  “Zo…” he started.

  “No.” I held my hand in the air. “Right now I’m not asking for answers. Maybe tomorrow. Perhaps next week. But right now, I want to dull the pain.” I made sure to level my eyes with his. “I just want to breathe again.”

  With his sight glued to my face, Stenton nodded. I could feel his need for a reprieve from whatever it was that had been dangling over our relationship. I didn’t want to try to make sense of everything. I only needed time out of the pit of gloom that swallowed me whole when he left me on the steps of my dorm.

  That night, Stenton and I made love well into the dawning of the following day. We didn’t ask any questions, make any demands, pledges or promises. We simply relished the magic we made when together.

  Chapter 11

  Then

  September 2007

  Stenton

  “Are you up?”

  I glanced around the room, totally disoriented, trying to come up with a response. I brushed my face with my right hand and rubbed my tight nose.

  “I’m good. What’s up?” I returned.

  “Stent, do you even know who you’re speaking to?

  What? I found myself grimacing at the phone like it was a damn fool. I hadn’t spoken much to her since last month when I dropped her off after spending the night with her. I’d been traveling so damn much, fulfilling my contractual obligations and trying to allow her to settle into the new semester.

  “Of course I know who the hell you are, Zoey. What the hell is going on?” I asked as I squinted up to the nightstand, inches away, bypassing my Cartier, to the clock for the time. It was just after three in the morning there in L.A.

  “Don’t use that tone with me, jerk!” she cried. That last word came out with explosive tears. It was clear to me.

  I leaped into a sitting position. “What the fuck is wrong, Zo? Everything all right? Talk to me!”

  I heard her sniffles in the phone. Zoey never cried. I’d seen her hurt, depressed, and fucking elated, but never did I see her cry. I was panicking like a motherfucker.

  “Zo!” I shouted.

  “Stenton!” she screamed. “Stop yelling at me!” she wailed into the phone.

  My stomach turned and my throat tightened. She wasn’t speaking fast enough. In my craze, I could see her somewhere in a corner, alone, in a fetal position, hurting. And there wasn’t a fucking thing I could do to help because she wouldn’t just o
pen her damn mouth to tell me what the fu—

  “I’m pregnant, Stenton,” she whispered through her cry.

  Shit! Niña…

  In all of my witless planning, not once did I think about this. Suddenly, I felt sick to my stomach. I shot up and raced to the bathroom, barely making it to the sink before throwing my guts up. When I was done, I collapsed against the wall and brought the phone back to my ear.

  “Stenton, are you there?”

  It took me a moment to answer. “Yeah, baby, I’m here,” I breathed out.

  I felt enveloped by guilt, stifled by it so tightly I couldn’t breathe. In life, I managed to not let a lot of shit get to me. When you’re exposed to the public and endure the hot and cold of its fickle support, you learn to develop a hard exterior. I do this even when seasons are good, my efforts align with my output and we’re winning. Even through those times, I try not to let shit get to my core, because whatever affects the inner you controls you. So, I’ve made it a point to not feel much, and to definitely manage my output in terms of emotions.

  This fucking girl… She crept up in me somehow and infected me like a damn virus. She fucking controlled my sanity. That’s the only thing that could explain how I was able to lose every faculty and do something so goddamn crazy.

  “Stenton,” she grounded out through gritted teeth. “What am I going to do? How am I going to tell my parents?” Then her voice elevated with a fresh thought. “Maybe…maybe I should get an abort—”

  “Abso-fucking-lutely not!” I was able to find my voice. The bitterness in it matched that of the taste in my mouth from the vomit.

  “But what am I supposed to do? I’ve started my last year of college. I’m on a scholarship; there is no way I can ask for it to be deferred. Opportunities like mine don’t come around often at all. This is it for me. My parents can’t afford a baby; they’re in the process of losing their home. I don’t have a real job, nothing that could help, and what employer is going to hire me only to lose me right away to maternity leave?” she cried into the phone. “Stenton, how am I going to tell my parents that I’ve disappointed them?”

  I gave Zoey time to cry. In my wildest dreams, I had things in place for this one thing I wanted just as bad as I needed air to breathe. I wanted Zoey and this baby. I wanted it so fucking bad it hurt. But it also inconvenienced her. In my wild thinking I didn’t intend on that. I hadn’t thought of every grievance she’d named. But one I did.

  “I’ll tell them, Zo.”

  “W-what?” she stuttered. “What do you mean you’ll tell them? Stenton, my parents don’t know you. My family…they’re different. They don’t tolerate stuff like this. Pregnancy outside of marriage opens up a can of worms that I vowed to avoid. They’ll demand marriage and you know how I feel about that! Stenton, it’s bigger than my family; it’s my church.” She was freaking the fuck out. “They won’t take this well. My life…my future is over. There will be no me to help. With a baby, I’ll be another burden…another mouth to feed—two mouths to feed! Don’t you get it?”

  Pain ripped through my chest at the cold and harsh tone of her voice. It was one I’d never heard from her. I wasn’t expecting her anger. I knew she wasn’t ready for marriage, so I’d go with the next best thing. A connection with this incredible young lady forever. I wanted this baby.

  “Don’t do anything stupid, Zoey.” I’ve done enough of that for the both of us. “Just hang tight. I’ll take a flight out tonight. Don’t sweat telling your parents. I’ll take care of that.” I didn’t know them well enough to trust they wouldn’t try to advise her to abort the baby. I needed to play this shit right. “Where are you?”

  She sniffled, “At school. I can’t keep sitting on this. I have to tell my mom.”

  “When did you find out? How do you know?” …what I’ve done to you?

  “Yesterday. I went to the clinic here on campus.”

  “And you’re just telling me?” My voice was softer than I felt at that moment. “Why didn’t you call me right away?”

  She sniffled some more. “Angela ring a bell? I’m not one of those girls, Stent,” she declared through gritted teeth again.

  It was sufficient enough of an answer. Angela tried to rope Alton in with a pregnancy she knew he wasn’t responsible for. Zoey was nothing like her cousin.

  “I’ll handle it. Just hang tight.”

  “Bye, Stenton,” she whispered and ended the call.

  And I didn’t know what that meant. Again, a pain ran through my chest as I laid my head against the wall.

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “You ready to do this, homes?” Barry asked quietly from behind the wheel after we pulled up to Zoey’s two-story home.

  As I looked through the window into the morning sky, I nodded my head. I was as ready as I’d ever be. How do you tell a man you knocked up his young daughter, but you plan on taking care of her? You certainly don’t include all the details.

  “How you know that fool ain’t got no heat up in there? I think at least one of us should roll with you, chief. Man, we ‘on’t know how ‘dis shit gon’ go down, ya’ heard?” Rob added from behind me.

  We’d just got off the plane in Teterboro. When we jumped on the jet right after the last call of the McDonald’s photo shoot I’d done in L.A., I decided to share why. I didn’t give too many details, but offered up some because they knew Zoey and now would really know her. I knew they were concerned about me going in without them, but as a man, I had to do this alone. Rolling up in that man’s house with armor to tell him I’ve fucked and impregnated his daughter would be beyond reckless.

  “Nah, I’m good. Give me a min,” I called over my shoulder as I hopped out of the G63 and took a deep breath while moving up the walkway, wondering how many times Zoey walked this exact path, coming and going, over the years.

  It took a minute, but eventually Sarah Barrett opened the door with trepidation. I could understand. What the hell is a six-foot-seven-inch tatted giant doing at your doorstep just before eight in the damn morning. Her smile was forced as she tried to recall my face. I knew that expression in my line of work. When folks see you for the first time in person, your features are familiar from the television screen. In her case, I was just in her home the previous Christmas.

  “Hi,” she squeezed out hesitantly. “Can I help you?” It finally hit me: Her mahogany skin appeared flawless and her eyes were big and expression-filled like the actress Loretta Divine.

  “Good morning, Mrs. Barrett. I’m hoping to speak to your husband, Michael,” I tried calling on all of my etiquette and vocabulary. These were Christian folks; my normal vulgar nature just wouldn’t do. “Is he around?”

  “Su-sure. I-I’ll get him. Hang on a bit,” she offered, still uneasy.

  When she walked away, I turned toward the truck and let out a long and heavy breath. I was tired as fuck when we pulled up, but now I have enough energy to run the entire city of New Brunswick. Rob and Barry’s eyes were glued to me. I knew they didn’t envy me in this moment. How the fuck did I get into this shit? Oh, yeah…my brilliant, asinine idea.

  “Can I help you, son?” I heard from behind me, just as curious as his wife.

  I turned to see a short and round Michael Barrett, almost shorter than his wife, who stood a few feet behind him. I’m sure she was looking for answers.

  I extended my hand to him, “Mr. Barrett, my name is Stenton Ro—”

  “I know who you are, son,” he informed as he accepted my hand. Is it the tats that give me away? For the first time, I felt a little embarrassed by my rocker style appearance. “How can I help you?”

  “Well, I was wondering if I could talk to you.” I looked around the doorframe and behind, gesturing my desire to be invited in. “…privately, if you don’t mind.”

  He nodded, “C’mon in. Have a seat over there on the couch.”

  I followed him into the living room to the couch he directed me to. As I was preparing to sit down, Sarah asked, “Are you the young ma
n that came over for Zoey last Christmas?” She’d finally placed my face.

  I gave a nod and polite smile that seemed entirely inappropriate for the occasion, they’d soon learn.

  “Yes, ma’am,” I answered then turned to Michael. “And that’s the purpose of my unannounced visit. Zoey and I have been friends since last summer. She enrolled in a program that assists a facility where I used to train during the off season.” I brought my hands together, begging my words to do the same. “Well, we’ve been getting along, keeping in touch even during the season. I’ve grown quite fond of her and…”

  “And son?” he pushed. I was being wordy.

  “Well, sir, apparently she’s pregnant.” Sarah cupped her face. And I felt like shit. My nervousness belied my predatory deeds. “…and I wanted to come to you and stand for what’s been done. I can offer an apology…if you feel that’s necessary.” But I won’t mean it.

  I glanced towards Michael to see him stunned into silence. Sarah started to sob quietly while she sat perched on the arm of the chair her husband sat erect in. I quickly withdrew the notion to apologize. It would be disingenuous.

  “Where’s Zoey?” he grated alarmed.

  “She’s in school. She should be home today.” I looked over to Sarah’s now red eyes and repeated, “She should be home today. She needs her mother.”

  “And what about you?” Michael asked with bravado. His forehead was wrinkled, sharp eyes still daring.

  “I need her to be okay. I need for her to be supported by her family,” I qualified directly to him.

  “And what are your plans for her?”

  I knew he was referencing marriage. Zoey’s sharing about the girl, Karen, at their church prepared me for this. Zoey wasn’t ready for that, and I wouldn’t be rushed into shit. That was something I wanted with her in the long run, but now wasn’t the time.